Did she cheat on our anniversary?

[d0nnivain]

43 minutes ago, Jkline said:

I asked her why she didn’t just come home after closing time and she said she’s chatty and likes animals which is why she stayed at his place for so long.  I called bs on that.  It’s that answer that makes no sense to me.  Plenty of chatty woman who like animals, not a lot who go home with a stranger at 130 in the morning and stay until 4.  I’m not so sure she’s capable of articulating her feelings very well.  If she was feeling what you stated and expressed it that way then ok, I get that. Don’t agree with the methods but I understand the thought process.  

It is BS but it's a face & marriage saving lie.  When she went home with that guy after having a few drinks (& her thinking was impaired) she probably had it in her heart to outright cheat. . .as in I'll show him (you) who's not attractive.  But when she got there & realized the enormity of what she was about to do -- throw her marriage away in a fit of anger -- she backed off.  The guy was probably a nice person who she enjoyed chatting with so she hung out, talked, sobered up & came home.  

She's never gonna tell you that nor should you force it out of her.  Once you hear that "confession" from her own lips it will replay in your head FOREVER & completely destroy your marriage .  If you go with what physically happened -- nothing meaningful, or of marriage ending significance (as long as it's not repeated & she cuts all contact with this guy) -- there is a path forward to rebuilding trust.  

Actually I suggest you fork over an apology gift like lingerie or something else sexy, a romantic weekend away or a stay-cation with the kids out of the house -- so you can reassure her that you still have the hots for her.  Then get yourselves to MC.  Without professional intervention, you won't get past this.  Pretend your marriage is your car or your roof or a broken arm -- you are probably not going to fix those all alone without professional assistance. Your marriage is no different.  

[Marc878]

18 hours ago, Jkline said:

 

She brought him home and said he offered to show her around the farm and she stayed there til 4:15 or so.  

While it’s possible nothing happened alone with another man at his place for hours with alcohol involved. Sorry but not probable. 
 

This was a decision/choice she made. If she’d hurt your feelings would you have done the same?

[Marc878]

Trying to nice her back or doing the “pick me dance” after she spent hours alone with another man at his place would be rewarding her behavior. Do you want more of this behavior? 
 

A huge amount of marriage counselors are notorious quacks who rugsweep and all this does is lead to long term problems. 
 

If you go that route you’d better research the hell out of what you’re signing up for. They aren’t gods. 
 

 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Jkline said:

Do people really do that?  I’m not being sarcastic just curious.

It's a common meme on other specific infidelity site/forums. Although useless, even suggesting does a lot more harm than good, whether someone divorces, reconciles, cheated or not.

[Marc878]

I’ve seen the polygraph used. If you have no other alternatives it maybe you’re only option. If you want a shot at the truth. Many end up with a parking lot confession outside the polygraph office. 
 

This is why.
Someone who picks up a stranger at a bar, goes home with him for hours for the most part will NEVER tell you the truth. People lie a lot in these situations. Your gut is screaming at you. Try living with that long term. Rugweeping may work for some. Can you live with this long term.

Plus the next time you hurt her feelings will you get it again?

An affair may destroy a marriage. Lies will destroy a marriage because it causes long term distrust and damage.

Edited April 8, 2021 by Marc878

[smackie9]

I think at that very point of you telling her of your dismay (on your anniversary!!!!) she thought her marriage had come to an end. She was distraught, vulnerable, feeling destroyed.

You got a kick to your ego...how could she even look at another man!! Ya but what kind of man were you that night?

IMO your words and behavior were divorce worthy.

Edited April 8, 2021 by smackie9

[Jkline]

Wow, I love how easily people throw around divorce as an option.  It’s a sad reflection of our times and attitudes towards commitment.  

[smackie9]

I'm not saying get a divorce...I'm saying the OP should try and win his wife back....do some damage control. It's concerning to me, he's only concerned/focused on if she cheated, instead of using this energy to save his marriage, and work hard to make up for that night.

[Marc878]

53 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I'm not saying get a divorce...I'm saying the OP should try and win his wife back....do some damage control. It's concerning to me, he's only concerned/focused on if she cheated, instead of using this energy to save his marriage, and work hard to make up for that night.

His behavior was bad. He hurt her feelings. So she goes to a bar, starts drinking with a stranger, goes home with him alone for several hours and that’s ok?
 

Hes supposed to win her back?  You are saying his actions were so bad that hers don’t matter? 

If you reward this type of behavior what happens next time he says something wrong. It’s ok for her to do it again?  That’s what happens when you rugsweep and reward bad behavior.  Repeats happen.

OP under the circumstances you don’t know what your wife was doing with a stranger at his home alone for several hours. If it were me I’d get STD testing just to make sure you don’t get a life long gift that you’ll regret. You don’t know anything about this guy or where all he’s been. I seriously doubt they were just watching TV and chatting until 4 am at his home alone with alcohol involved. 
 

Usually if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck it’s probably not a zebra.

[d0nnivain]

Nobody is talking about rewarding bad behavior @Marc878  We are giving the OP some suggestions about how to view this from her perspective, give him hope & with professional help foster healing 

You seem to be hung up on power dynamics which result in entrenchment & that solves nothing because nobody can see a path to compromise.  

[Marc878]

23 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Nobody is talking about rewarding bad behavior @Marc878  We are giving the OP some suggestions about how to view this from her perspective, give him hope & with professional help foster healing 

You seem to be hung up on power dynamics which result in entrenchment & that solves nothing because nobody can see a path to compromise.  

Nope. Nothing can be worked on in these situations without starting  with the truth. It’s much easier to deal with a known versus an unknown. Unless you do a rugsweep and that most often leads to long term distrust issues. 
 

From what I’ve seen he doesn’t have that yet. That’s why he’s here.
 

 

Edited April 8, 2021 by Marc878

[smackie9]

Well the gist of it is, you feeling not so attracted to her says there's been distance between these two for quite awhile. Focus on figuring out why.

[Marc878]

The other thing that would concern me is picking up a stranger at a bar and going home with him is pretty wreck less.  Anything could have happened.  No one knew where she was etc. 

For her she needs to figure out why would she put herself in potential jeopardy like that.

[DKT3]

13 hours ago, Jkline said:

I won’t be demanding nor requesting a polygraph.  I don’t like the idea of it coming to that.  I may be disposed to believe the worst but ultimately want to believe her more than anything or at least just get a reason why that makes some sense.  Her and I will keep talking and hopefully get through it.  I do believe that it was a one off situation. I don’t believe she is seeing him still.  I think that night was a lapse in judgement and went to far.  I agree that if it was a ONS she will be inclined to hide it til the end.

I've seen you exact story many times. 

True story, a guy I know in real life came to work one morning and started talking about how his wife told him she saw a cousin the night before (male cousin) that she hadn't seen in a long time.  They were very close growing up, they went for a night on the town, diner, drinking dancing ultimately they ended up at her sisters house for the night. He couldn't understand why she kept going on about this cousin. Some time passed and he then told us his aunt and uncle actually saw her that night and to two were intimate in public. Making out on a car then climbing inside.

 

Point is, your wife tell you could be a proactive move, because someone you know saw something that she wishes they hadn't. 

I tend to not post on BH thread because the denial is usually really thick.

Here is what I suggest...relax, reflect, watch and shut up about it.

Relax because you will think more clearly,  reflect because this behavior is NEVER isolated. Watch because he behavior and actions will change.  And shut up because it will cause her to relax, and get sloppy.  

People don't get vindictive all of a sudden after 14 or 15 years.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Jkline said:

Wow, I love how easily people throw around divorce as an option.  It’s a sad reflection of our times and attitudes towards commitment.  

Yeah. In your situation, you both screwed up that night. You both handled stuff poorly.

That's ok. It brought a lot of stuff to light. Stuff you can both unpack and sort out with a therapist.

Just like you don't have a history of getting passed out drunk, she doesn't have a history of suspicious activity.

Ok so she was hurt annoyed and went back to the other wedding guests to continue to party.

It sounds like she was soaking up attention from farm boy to assuage her bruised ego.

She went into great detail about it. Maybe just to piss you off or imply she's attractive to other men.

If she were cheating she'd be slinking around and lying. Think about it.

There are people who frequent these infidelity sites and have a whole repertoire of spying, tracking, playing detective, destroying the alleged cheaters life, etc. Many of these suggestions range from illegal to pointless.

You both seem like decent people with very fixable problems. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 9, 2021 by Wiseman2

[usa1ah]

On 4/7/2021 at 4:28 PM, Jkline said:

Good point about the drinking and driving, we talked about that as well.  I get what you’re saying about getting some attention at the bar and boosting the ego.  My issue is the going home with him afterwards and the amount of time she spent alone with him at that time of night.

There is no way a guy brought your wife to his house and talked for 2-3 hours. Your wife wanted to prove she still has it and let another man f*** her brains out to prove it. 
 

You really are not these blind to what really went on? I think you just don’t want to admit it to yourself. 
 

Do not play the pick me game. 
 

Read No More Mr Nice Guy. 
 

Read the 180 and do it. 
 

Tell your wife you don’t believe a damn word about what went on. That as far as your concern she cheated unless she can prove otherwise. You can’t play the poor me my wife cheated, it makes you look weak as hell. Don’t let her offer to let you talk with the other man either, he will just lie his ass off as well. 
 

You already know she is capable and willing to lie to you to cover something up. She would definitely do so if she got her brains f*** out. 

[usa1ah]

On 4/8/2021 at 3:19 PM, smackie9 said:

I'm not saying get a divorce...I'm saying the OP should try and win his wife back....do some damage control. It's concerning to me, he's only concerned/focused on if she cheated, instead of using this energy to save his marriage, and work hard to make up for that night.

He voiced his concerns that they were drifting apart. 
 

His wife’s response is to go out and f*** another man and OP needs to do damage control??

[usa1ah]

On 4/7/2021 at 7:47 PM, Jkline said:

Yes she’s been very apologetic.  She admitted it was a mistake.  It’s the first time anything like this has happened in basically 14 years together which why it was such a shock. I never thought she would do that.  We’ve been extremely good at communicating and working through our issues.  Never had any worries about either one of us going outside our marriage to find something or someone.

This isn’t true. 
 

One time she said she was out with a girlfriend but that friend left hrs ago and she was hanging with a mutual guy friend and a group of friends at the bar.  I know she didn’t cheat then but did lie about who she was with.

 

This isn’t the first time this has happened, just different circumstances. 

[usa1ah]

One thing I can’t get my mind around is how easily your “faithful loving wife” went to a bar and went home with another man. This doesn’t sound like the first time it happened, just the first time she didn’t have an excuse at the ready like going out with the girls. 

[usa1ah]

On 4/8/2021 at 5:43 PM, smackie9 said:

Well the gist of it is, you feeling not so attracted to her says there's been distance between these two for quite awhile. Focus on figuring out why.

Why worry about fixing the relationship if she is cheating?

 

If she is cheating, thee is no fixing the relationship unless she owns it and tells the truth. If she is cheating, it could be explain why there is distance in the relationship. 
 

OP needs his trust restored before any fixing can be done. 

[usa1ah]

On 4/9/2021 at 6:03 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Yeah. In your situation, you both screwed up that night. You both handled stuff poorly.

That's ok. It brought a lot of stuff to light. Stuff you can both unpack and sort out with a therapist.

Just like you don't have a history of getting passed out drunk, she doesn't have a history of suspicious activity.

Ok so she was hurt annoyed and went back to the other wedding guests to continue to party.

It sounds like she was soaking up attention from farm boy to assuage her bruised ego.

She went into great detail about it. Maybe just to piss you off or imply she's attractive to other men.

If she were cheating she'd be slinking around and lying. Think about it.

There are people who frequent these infidelity sites and have a whole repertoire of spying, tracking, playing detective, destroying the alleged cheaters life, etc. Many of these suggestions range from illegal to pointless.

You both seem like decent people with very fixable problems. 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a big difference between telling your wife you feel a disconnect between the two of you and your wife going to a bar, picking up a complete stranger and going home with that stranger for 3 hrs. 

[usa1ah]

On 4/9/2021 at 6:03 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Yeah. In your situation, you both screwed up that night. You both handled stuff poorly.

That's ok. It brought a lot of stuff to light. Stuff you can both unpack and sort out with a therapist.

Just like you don't have a history of getting passed out drunk, she doesn't have a history of suspicious activity.

Ok so she was hurt annoyed and went back to the other wedding guests to continue to party.

It sounds like she was soaking up attention from farm boy to assuage her bruised ego.

She went into great detail about it. Maybe just to piss you off or imply she's attractive to other men.

If she were cheating she'd be slinking around and lying. Think about it.

There are people who frequent these infidelity sites and have a whole repertoire of spying, tracking, playing detective, destroying the alleged cheaters life, etc. Many of these suggestions range from illegal to pointless.

You both seem like decent people with very fixable problems. 

 

 

 

 

 

His wife didn’t go back to the wedding. 
 

She went to a local bar and went home with a stranger she met at the bar. 
 

So do you really think it was just a mistake she made? 

[usa1ah]

If the situation was reversed and a husband did what OP’s wife did.
 

Everyone of you would be screaming that he cheated and to divorce the POS. 

[d0nnivain]

5 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

If the situation was reversed and a husband did what OP’s wife did.
 

Everyone of you would be screaming that he cheated and to divorce the POS. 

No I wouldn't.  

What she did was troubling but I still see a path forward for them.  

[usa1ah]

On 4/8/2021 at 11:53 AM, Jkline said:

Wow, I love how easily people throw around divorce as an option.  It’s a sad reflection of our times and attitudes towards commitment.  

Just like the commitment your wife has shown you right. 
 

She lies to you. 
 

She went home with another man she picked up at the bar for 2-3 hours. Do you really think the guy your wife went home with did so to show her his farm? The only think a guy in his position is thinking of is getting laid. 
 

It takes two people working together to have commitment in a relationship. Your wife isn’t as committed as you. She would NEVER have gone home with a complete stranger she picked up at the bar it she was. Be as committed as you wish and I hope you also enjoy being cockold.