smackie9 Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 I'm not saying get a divorce...I'm saying the OP should try and win his wife back....do some damage control. It's concerning to me, he's only concerned/focused on if she cheated, instead of using this energy to save his marriage, and work hard to make up for that night. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 53 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I'm not saying get a divorce...I'm saying the OP should try and win his wife back....do some damage control. It's concerning to me, he's only concerned/focused on if she cheated, instead of using this energy to save his marriage, and work hard to make up for that night. His behavior was bad. He hurt her feelings. So she goes to a bar, starts drinking with a stranger, goes home with him alone for several hours and that’s ok? Hes supposed to win her back? You are saying his actions were so bad that hers don’t matter? If you reward this type of behavior what happens next time he says something wrong. It’s ok for her to do it again? That’s what happens when you rugsweep and reward bad behavior. Repeats happen. OP under the circumstances you don’t know what your wife was doing with a stranger at his home alone for several hours. If it were me I’d get STD testing just to make sure you don’t get a life long gift that you’ll regret. You don’t know anything about this guy or where all he’s been. I seriously doubt they were just watching TV and chatting until 4 am at his home alone with alcohol involved. Usually if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck it’s probably not a zebra. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 Nobody is talking about rewarding bad behavior @Marc878 We are giving the OP some suggestions about how to view this from her perspective, give him hope & with professional help foster healing You seem to be hung up on power dynamics which result in entrenchment & that solves nothing because nobody can see a path to compromise. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 (edited) 23 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Nobody is talking about rewarding bad behavior @Marc878 We are giving the OP some suggestions about how to view this from her perspective, give him hope & with professional help foster healing You seem to be hung up on power dynamics which result in entrenchment & that solves nothing because nobody can see a path to compromise. Nope. Nothing can be worked on in these situations without starting with the truth. It’s much easier to deal with a known versus an unknown. Unless you do a rugsweep and that most often leads to long term distrust issues. From what I’ve seen he doesn’t have that yet. That’s why he’s here. Edited April 8, 2021 by Marc878 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 Well the gist of it is, you feeling not so attracted to her says there's been distance between these two for quite awhile. Focus on figuring out why. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 The other thing that would concern me is picking up a stranger at a bar and going home with him is pretty wreck less. Anything could have happened. No one knew where she was etc. For her she needs to figure out why would she put herself in potential jeopardy like that. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 13 hours ago, Jkline said: I won’t be demanding nor requesting a polygraph. I don’t like the idea of it coming to that. I may be disposed to believe the worst but ultimately want to believe her more than anything or at least just get a reason why that makes some sense. Her and I will keep talking and hopefully get through it. I do believe that it was a one off situation. I don’t believe she is seeing him still. I think that night was a lapse in judgement and went to far. I agree that if it was a ONS she will be inclined to hide it til the end. I've seen you exact story many times. True story, a guy I know in real life came to work one morning and started talking about how his wife told him she saw a cousin the night before (male cousin) that she hadn't seen in a long time. They were very close growing up, they went for a night on the town, diner, drinking dancing ultimately they ended up at her sisters house for the night. He couldn't understand why she kept going on about this cousin. Some time passed and he then told us his aunt and uncle actually saw her that night and to two were intimate in public. Making out on a car then climbing inside. Point is, your wife tell you could be a proactive move, because someone you know saw something that she wishes they hadn't. I tend to not post on BH thread because the denial is usually really thick. Here is what I suggest...relax, reflect, watch and shut up about it. Relax because you will think more clearly, reflect because this behavior is NEVER isolated. Watch because he behavior and actions will change. And shut up because it will cause her to relax, and get sloppy. People don't get vindictive all of a sudden after 14 or 15 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 (edited) 18 hours ago, Jkline said: Wow, I love how easily people throw around divorce as an option. It’s a sad reflection of our times and attitudes towards commitment. Yeah. In your situation, you both screwed up that night. You both handled stuff poorly. That's ok. It brought a lot of stuff to light. Stuff you can both unpack and sort out with a therapist. Just like you don't have a history of getting passed out drunk, she doesn't have a history of suspicious activity. Ok so she was hurt annoyed and went back to the other wedding guests to continue to party. It sounds like she was soaking up attention from farm boy to assuage her bruised ego. She went into great detail about it. Maybe just to piss you off or imply she's attractive to other men. If she were cheating she'd be slinking around and lying. Think about it. There are people who frequent these infidelity sites and have a whole repertoire of spying, tracking, playing detective, destroying the alleged cheaters life, etc. Many of these suggestions range from illegal to pointless. You both seem like decent people with very fixable problems. Edited April 9, 2021 by Wiseman2 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 On 4/7/2021 at 4:28 PM, Jkline said: Good point about the drinking and driving, we talked about that as well. I get what you’re saying about getting some attention at the bar and boosting the ego. My issue is the going home with him afterwards and the amount of time she spent alone with him at that time of night. There is no way a guy brought your wife to his house and talked for 2-3 hours. Your wife wanted to prove she still has it and let another man f*** her brains out to prove it. You really are not these blind to what really went on? I think you just don’t want to admit it to yourself. Do not play the pick me game. Read No More Mr Nice Guy. Read the 180 and do it. Tell your wife you don’t believe a damn word about what went on. That as far as your concern she cheated unless she can prove otherwise. You can’t play the poor me my wife cheated, it makes you look weak as hell. Don’t let her offer to let you talk with the other man either, he will just lie his ass off as well. You already know she is capable and willing to lie to you to cover something up. She would definitely do so if she got her brains f*** out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 On 4/8/2021 at 3:19 PM, smackie9 said: I'm not saying get a divorce...I'm saying the OP should try and win his wife back....do some damage control. It's concerning to me, he's only concerned/focused on if she cheated, instead of using this energy to save his marriage, and work hard to make up for that night. He voiced his concerns that they were drifting apart. His wife’s response is to go out and f*** another man and OP needs to do damage control?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 On 4/7/2021 at 7:47 PM, Jkline said: Yes she’s been very apologetic. She admitted it was a mistake. It’s the first time anything like this has happened in basically 14 years together which why it was such a shock. I never thought she would do that. We’ve been extremely good at communicating and working through our issues. Never had any worries about either one of us going outside our marriage to find something or someone. This isn’t true. One time she said she was out with a girlfriend but that friend left hrs ago and she was hanging with a mutual guy friend and a group of friends at the bar. I know she didn’t cheat then but did lie about who she was with. This isn’t the first time this has happened, just different circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 One thing I can’t get my mind around is how easily your “faithful loving wife” went to a bar and went home with another man. This doesn’t sound like the first time it happened, just the first time she didn’t have an excuse at the ready like going out with the girls. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 On 4/8/2021 at 5:43 PM, smackie9 said: Well the gist of it is, you feeling not so attracted to her says there's been distance between these two for quite awhile. Focus on figuring out why. Why worry about fixing the relationship if she is cheating? If she is cheating, thee is no fixing the relationship unless she owns it and tells the truth. If she is cheating, it could be explain why there is distance in the relationship. OP needs his trust restored before any fixing can be done. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 On 4/9/2021 at 6:03 AM, Wiseman2 said: Yeah. In your situation, you both screwed up that night. You both handled stuff poorly. That's ok. It brought a lot of stuff to light. Stuff you can both unpack and sort out with a therapist. Just like you don't have a history of getting passed out drunk, she doesn't have a history of suspicious activity. Ok so she was hurt annoyed and went back to the other wedding guests to continue to party. It sounds like she was soaking up attention from farm boy to assuage her bruised ego. She went into great detail about it. Maybe just to piss you off or imply she's attractive to other men. If she were cheating she'd be slinking around and lying. Think about it. There are people who frequent these infidelity sites and have a whole repertoire of spying, tracking, playing detective, destroying the alleged cheaters life, etc. Many of these suggestions range from illegal to pointless. You both seem like decent people with very fixable problems. There is a big difference between telling your wife you feel a disconnect between the two of you and your wife going to a bar, picking up a complete stranger and going home with that stranger for 3 hrs. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 On 4/9/2021 at 6:03 AM, Wiseman2 said: Yeah. In your situation, you both screwed up that night. You both handled stuff poorly. That's ok. It brought a lot of stuff to light. Stuff you can both unpack and sort out with a therapist. Just like you don't have a history of getting passed out drunk, she doesn't have a history of suspicious activity. Ok so she was hurt annoyed and went back to the other wedding guests to continue to party. It sounds like she was soaking up attention from farm boy to assuage her bruised ego. She went into great detail about it. Maybe just to piss you off or imply she's attractive to other men. If she were cheating she'd be slinking around and lying. Think about it. There are people who frequent these infidelity sites and have a whole repertoire of spying, tracking, playing detective, destroying the alleged cheaters life, etc. Many of these suggestions range from illegal to pointless. You both seem like decent people with very fixable problems. His wife didn’t go back to the wedding. She went to a local bar and went home with a stranger she met at the bar. So do you really think it was just a mistake she made? Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 If the situation was reversed and a husband did what OP’s wife did. Everyone of you would be screaming that he cheated and to divorce the POS. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 5 minutes ago, usa1ah said: If the situation was reversed and a husband did what OP’s wife did. Everyone of you would be screaming that he cheated and to divorce the POS. No I wouldn't. What she did was troubling but I still see a path forward for them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 On 4/8/2021 at 11:53 AM, Jkline said: Wow, I love how easily people throw around divorce as an option. It’s a sad reflection of our times and attitudes towards commitment. Just like the commitment your wife has shown you right. She lies to you. She went home with another man she picked up at the bar for 2-3 hours. Do you really think the guy your wife went home with did so to show her his farm? The only think a guy in his position is thinking of is getting laid. It takes two people working together to have commitment in a relationship. Your wife isn’t as committed as you. She would NEVER have gone home with a complete stranger she picked up at the bar it she was. Be as committed as you wish and I hope you also enjoy being cockold. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 (edited) 7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: No I wouldn't. What she did was troubling but I still see a path forward for them. Not if she doesn’t tell the truth. She has also ruined every anniversary from here on out. OP will always remember it for the night his wife cheated on him. Not a drunken mistake but purposely went out that night to prove she could. It will never be the day that was one of his happiest. Edited April 13, 2021 by usa1ah Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 Well since she turned her head when he went for the kiss, that means she did not cheat. She still loves you, no harm done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 I never said it would be an easy path forward, @usa1ah I agree with you that the anniversary is now tainted. You all also assume she's lying. What if she's telling the truth? None of you want to believe that. You are all predisposed to assume she's lying, down playing & trickle-truthing. You may be right but if the OP wants to reconcile that is not super helpful. I genuinely believe the narrative I advanced: she went home with the guy intending to sleep with him but once she got there, the enormity of what she was about to do hit her like a ton of bricks & she backed off but she also realized that she was too drunk to drive home so the other guy being a nice person, walked around the property with her & talked about the animals. Where is everybody's faith in humanity? Is it so hard to believe that the guy wasn't a rapist or terrible person? Once he realized her dilemma & that sex wasn't happening he just let her vent? Of course he had been expecting sex but he was thereafter OK to let her talk & he didn't send an unsafe person out on the roads. I doubt that nothing happened but I do think a marriage can recover from a few kisses if both partners are willing to put it behind them. Remember the OP does not want a divorce so there is no need to repeatedly insist that is his only option. It's not our marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 (edited) 33 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I agree with you that the anniversary is now tainted. The anniversary was tainted when he told her that he was loosing attraction for her. I don’t know if she cheated or not, not saying what she did was right or wrong... but that comment, on my wedding anniversary, would break my heart. His wife will remember this anniversary as the night her husband told her he wasn’t attracted to her/didn’t love her the way he has previously loved her. I get that “that” wasn’t what he intended to say, but I can appreciate how that must have felt. There is a time and a place for everything. Wrong place, wrong time, to have that discussion... Edited April 13, 2021 by BaileyB 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 11 minutes ago, BaileyB said: The anniversary was tainted when he told her that he was loosing attraction for her. Exactly. Two wrongs make a bigger wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 45 minutes ago, usa1ah said: . It will never be the day that was one of his happiest. One of his happiest??? It was the day he chose to tell his wife the attraction was gone... Unless he is a sadist and loves being cruel to his wife then how could that day be one of his happiest? Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said: Well since she turned her head when he went for the kiss, that means she did not cheat. She still loves you, no harm done. Did you see her turn her head? No proof either way. Link to post Share on other sites
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