Not in love

[Sunshinewhenitrains]

I met my husband at 18, now I'm 33. We built a life together, although I felt I wanted out the whole time but it was easier to stay. We bought a house and have an 8 year old son. I moved out at 29, 4 years ago because I was depressed knowing I married someone I was never in love with. It's an empty, unfilling, and trapped feeling with regret. I bought my own house and tried to move on, even experienced being "in love" with someone which eventually shattered my heart. But my husband's still been there for me physically and emotionally the whole time. He's finally done trying to make things work but I don't want to lose him but yet scared to experience the same depression if I go back. What other man would go through all of this and still be there "for family" as he says. I can have a good life with him but I'm not in love with him. Should I go back or part ways? 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Sunshinewhenitrains said:

I bought my own house and tried to move on, even experienced being "in love" with someone which eventually shattered my heart. 

Sorry this is happening. Are you legally separated or divorced?  Do you live together?

[Alpacalia]

Staying with someone where you're "sort-of-together-but-not-really" is never a good idea.

I'm sure it must be difficult but why stay with someone you no longer love? 

Is it that you don't want to be alone? 

If you really believe that you are not a good match for each other, it is best to part ways.

[Sunshinewhenitrains]

@Wiseman2 Our divorce court date is in June but decided we'll still go through with it even if we reconcile. We haven't lived together in four years but stay at each other's houses about once a week. We also go on family vacations together and spend holidays together. 

[Sunshinewhenitrains]

@AlpacaI love and care for him but not in love with him. I try because of the way he loves me, 15 years invested, and a child together. We have a good life together but something always feels like it's missing. Is it worth taking a risk with someone else and starting all over? With so many cheaters these days it's nerve-racking. 

[d0nnivain]

57 minutes ago, Sunshinewhenitrains said:

 Should I go back or part ways? 

Only you can answer that. 

IMO you are chasing a silly fairytale. That "in love" feeling is fleeting & fades.  To disrupt your child's life & give up stability for a dream that will never come true is foolish.  Real love is steadfast & true.  It's the person who's there when you are puking in the middle of the night; it's the one who holds your hand at a funeral; it's the one who holds you when you cry or worry.  It's not hearts & flowers. 

I think if you opened your heart & added romance to your marriage -- have a candle light dinner; dress up; do whatever it is you think acts like being "in love" -- you will come to love this wonderful man who has given you a good life.  

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Sunshinewhenitrains said:

@Wiseman2 Our divorce court date is in June but decided we'll still go through with it even if we reconcile. We haven't lived together in four years but stay at each other's houses about once a week. We also go on family vacations together and spend holidays together. 

Excellent. Yes sever legal/financial ties now that you have separate households. It's great you are coparenting, but eventually you'll want to date so will need to have more autonomy. Work on one step at a time. 

[BaileyB]

What is it that makes you feel like you are not in love with him? What do you feel is missing? 

If you don’t love the man, that’s one thing. You would be better as coparents and apparently, friends.

However, many people who say they aren’t “in love” with their partner are either a) chasing rainbows, looking that feeling of infatuation that they believe to be “love,” or b) missing something within themselves that they then believe to be absent from their partner/relationship. 

I’m not saying you should stay in a marriage if you don’t love your husband. Staying because it offers security and you are afraid to take a risk is not usually a good decision. But, it would be a darn shame if you left a loving marriage only to discover that you had what you thought you were seeking all along...

Counselling? Have you ever seen a counsellor? This is a huge decision, I would think it would be well worth your time...

Edited April 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[Sunshinewhenitrains]

@d0nnivain @BaileyB

When people marry it's usually out of happiness and feeling they found "the one." They're happy with whom they are waking up to in the morning even though they may be angry at times and that's understandable. When he proposed I said yes while my head and gut was saying no. When we married in a courthouse just for paperwork I thought, I had tears of fear and regret rather than happiness. 9 months later I told him I was going to leave not knowing I was pregnant. So I stayed and we bought a house. It never felt right to me but life kept happening. He's very family oriented and willing to do anything to keep us together. The effort he puts in makes it hard to walk away 100% because I know that's hard to find. This is not an easy decision for me and I feel so stuck trying to figure out which path to take.

[glows]

Since you have a divorce court date set and will go ahead with the divorce, there isn't much to debate. The decision to divorce is there. Going back and forth and living in limbo may or may not work for you but sooner or later (as is usually the case), one of you will tire of it faster. It's prolonging the inevitable which is moving forwards with your lives or finding more fulfilling relationships.

I think you are feeling wistful and guilty for the way things panned out between the two of you. This is not unusual during divorce. All kinds of emotions happen. I suggest individual therapy or a safe place for you to get through those difficult emotions that have been with you for years. Letting go is no easy feat and you'll always be in each others' lives with your child together. There is also counseling for couples who are working out how to coparent if you want a review of things or ways to improve and create better boundaries.

 

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, Sunshinewhenitrains said:

When he proposed I said yes while my head and gut was saying no. When we married in a courthouse just for paperwork I thought, I had tears of fear and regret rather than happiness.

My partner says this about his first marriage. He’s told me that he felt “anxious” on his wedding day. He said in the weeks leading up to the marriage he felt like he was on a train track and he had no choice but to follow through... but looking back now, he says that he felt that something was not right. He didn’t understand it for what it was at the time... As it turned out, his first wife has significant mental health issues and the marriage ended after 10+ years (he even says that he stayed five years longer than he should have stayed but he stayed for his child). I think it’s likely that there were red flags before they married, but they certainly revealed themselves as the years went by... Hindsight is 20/20.

I hear what you are saying. I still think counselling would be a good idea, if you haven’t done it already. No doubt, there are many emotions and there will be a lot of uncertainty as you continue to move through this time of transition, towards a different life. I hope you have some support. 

Edited April 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[Yosemite]

How old is he?

Did he date other people when you moved out and bought your house?

What did your parents say when you told them you were marrying at age 18?

[Sunshinewhenitrains]

@Yosemite He just turned 38, 4 1/2 years older than me. We both dated other people briefly after I left but kept coming back to each other to try and make it work. At 18 my mom said I was too young and needed to get out there and have more life experience. But I said I wanted to settle down and have a family. I partied 15-18 and was done with that. I guess I wanted a family, something I never really had growing up. So I settled because his whole life revolved around family and that's what drew me in in the first place. The idea of it I suppose 

[Allupinnit]

This must be incredibly confusing for your son, to be living in this limbo family that lives apart yet still vacations together.

You need to poop or get off the pot.  You've experienced "being in love" and now you know it doesn't always lead to happy ever after, in fact it can be the cause of some of your greatest pain.  It's a fleeting feeling that cannot be trusted with our long-term contentment and satisfaction.  It seems you are using him as an emotional tampon and security while you play the field (sorry to be blunt) and he's hoping you'll come back.  

Speaking from experience, if he tells you to finally eff off after the divorce and falls in love you might feel VERY differently about him once he's not there at your beck and call anymore and you see him moving on with someone else.

Also speaking from experience, I've learned to "fall in love" with my H again after some tough/stale spots but it's not something that happens on accident - it's intentional, takes effort on both of our parts and once I took my focus on what *I* was feeling and put more effort into what was important to *him* it became this awesome dynamic of give and take and our resentments started to dissipate.  

Another helpful tool in our arsenal is having maintenance sex and not just relying on having it when we feel like it.  More often than not I find myself getting into it even if I didn't feel like it before.  Now we make love, have quickies, etc and "maintenance" doesn't SOUND sexy but we're doin' it and it's worlds better than the alternative of a dead bedroom.  It's honestly hotter now than when we were first dating.  

 

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, Sunshinewhenitrains said:

I met my husband at 18, now I'm 33. We built a life together, although I felt I wanted out the whole time but it was easier to stay. We bought a house and have an 8 year old son. I moved out at 29, 4 years ago because I was depressed knowing I married someone I was never in love with. It's an empty, unfilling, and trapped feeling with regret. I bought my own house and tried to move on, even experienced being "in love" with someone which eventually shattered my heart. But my husband's still been there for me physically and emotionally the whole time. He's finally done trying to make things work but I don't want to lose him but yet scared to experience the same depression if I go back. What other man would go through all of this and still be there "for family" as he says. I can have a good life with him but I'm not in love with him. Should I go back or part ways? 

"In love" is a fleeting feeling for the vast majority of couples.  It's a reaction to the other person. 

You know yourself and if this is something you have to experience then obviously you know what you have to do.  You are 33 though.  The dating market is brutal, so you have to think long about this.  The number of men at your age looking for women your age dwindles by the year, so you may be chasing something that may never materialize.  It's a big risk.

[Uruktopi]

 As my only personal but still strong take on this (the experiences of my life),  I´ll desagree with most posters here (while respecting them).

I believe that you love him, but not as a man. That´s far from enough.

As I also beliieve that you care for him, a quality man. 

Show this mercy by not making him longlife unhappy in a handicapped relationship, scarce of what is meaningful in a healthy human couple.

And spare you the same.

That would be consistent with also being a high quality and caring woman.

 

 

 

[Yosemite]

49 minutes ago, Sunshinewhenitrains said:

@Yosemite  But I said I wanted to settle down and have a family. I partied 15-18 and was done with that. I guess I wanted a family, something I never really had growing up. So I settled because his whole life revolved around family and that's what drew me in in the first place. The idea of it I suppose 

That's really tough. He said he was done, so it might not be up to you, he may walk away. Idk if counseling can help at this point, but maybe it's worth a shot.

If he's a good man, a good father, treats you with respect and you can have some fun with him...idk it might be a good idea to stay. It's a really hard decision that only you can make.

But I think it needs to be either/or. Either it's over, or you're together forever. You have to think about how breaking up and making up over and over is impacting your son.

Good luck, this is a very hard decision with no clear cut right or wrong answer.

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, Sunshinewhenitrains said:

We built a life together, although I felt I wanted out the whole time but it was easier to stay. We bought a house and have an 8 year old son.

People can define love in many different ways, but "wanting out the whole time" usually isn't one of them.

A relationship, however ultimately boils down to a decision whether to continue it or not.

I don't know about "fleeting" but for the vast majority of couples, the initially "giddy butterflies" of "new love" eventually settle down into a more familial LTR type of love. I've heard 3 years as a ballpark figure for how long that takes.

It's one thing to accept LTR love with someone you once had "butterflies" for, and another to accept/continue a relationship with someone you've never felt too much love for to begin with.

I don't think its for me to say, but I would wonder whether or not you feel LTR familial love for your H or not. Since you appear to be 3/4 of the way out the door, my guess would be no. IF I'm right, are you continuing the relationship with him (to the extent that it's continuing) as a fallback plan/for emotional (or perhaps other forms of) security?

If you left and found someone who you DID have butterflies, would you eventually end up in a similar place? Certainly relationships that started out great may end after many years - happens all the time. They tend to need "work" to continue going well (the amount and nature of which will vary somewhat depending on the couple). You don't seem overly interested in putting (even more) work into the current marriage (and that's not blame, just stating an apparent fact - maybe you shouldn't be). If you're unhappy, you're unhappy.

I don't have answers to the above or "know" what you should do. Just putting it out there for you as you think about what to do next.

Edited April 8, 2021 by mark clemson

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't know, but having someone committed to me, who treated me well-- honestly that was NOT enough to make me satisfied. I had to really like them also. You make the mistake of thinking that romance is all about  how someone else treats us. Actually, it's much more about how we feel when we're with them. 

It is likely that you'd be more attracted to him if he didn't act so consistently nice and understanding. I'm not sure his "understanding" is such a good quality. A more confident, focused person would have dumped you and moved on. 

I'm not sure why you cannot move on. The door behind you is closed. But I guess that's the problem: you have been continuing with the ex--am I right? Sexually, for example?

 

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, Sunshinewhenitrains said:

@AlpacaI love and care for him but not in love with him. I try because of the way he loves me, 15 years invested, and a child together. We have a good life together but something always feels like it's missing. Is it worth taking a risk with someone else and starting all over? With so many cheaters these days it's nerve-racking. 

It is entirely up to you to determine whether you want to rebuild and rekindle your relationship or let it go. Is it possible to rekindle a romantic relationship? I guess it all comes down to how serious you are about making your marriage work. You also met him when you were very young.

[glows]

I think I went through something similar. See how you feel after you sign the divorce papers. If you know the divorce needs to happen, do that and take one step at a time. There are a lot of emotions going on right now (again, all very regular and ordinary in the subject or process of divorce). 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you are going to find the same thing will happen again if you reconcile. 

Your marriage appears to have fizzled years ago, but you are comfortable so you keep him around. In my view, that is no basis for success and will probaby be better for you both to part ways respectfully so you can find partners who are better suited to each of you. 

[d0nnivain]

You have major GIGs & it's going to bite you in the tail.  Get counseling not a divorce. 

You never gave this marriage a chance.  You used your cold feet & worry to dismiss what should have been a great match.  Now you continue to justify giving up because you continue to be afraid.  You are looking for what you see on TV & in the movies.  That is not real.  

[introverted1]

It's unfair of you to use your husband this way.  You don't love him the way a wife should.  Leave him so he can find someone who does.

[understand50]

Sunshinewhenitrains,

Maybe you are incapable of "love".  You had a good marriage, and good man, from your posts I assume you had a sex life as a teenager.  I think that part of your life lead to you not being able to commit to anyone, or made it hard.  I think, you are going to come to regret this decision later in life, when you find that as a older woman with a child, men will  happy to bed you, but never have a long lasting and deep relationship with you. Your husband will, in the end, move on and find someone to share his life.  You have, and continue to hurt him deeply.  The fact that you separated, and you both dated, and I am sure you went first, speaks volumes.  He still was trying to work it all out.  Make you happy. Wow, lets though  all that away.  You have something that many women really long for, and you do not see it.   I feel sad for you.  I feel sadder for your husband and son, who no matter how you justify it, you are leaving.  You fell for the present pop society crap, and now you all must go though  pain.

I have been married for about 50 years.  I married at 18.  My wife is older, and was much more sexually experienced.  I have fell in and out of "love" with her several time, and from her actions she as well.  In the end, "US" stayed together, and as we now face the end of all things, it is better to have your lover and spouse, and the family you built around you, then be dis-jointed and essentially alone. Yes, we hurt each other, yes, we look around and wondered if there was something else, but in the end life is better together. Marriage also take lots of hard work, and I wonder if both your husband and yourself have put in the hard work.  Just living together does not count.

I wish you luck, and I hope you find the "love" of your life and settle down, but I do not think you see just what you are giving up.