Allupinnit Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 4 hours ago, d0nnivain said: You have major GIGs & it's going to bite you in the tail. Get counseling not a divorce. You never gave this marriage a chance. You used your cold feet & worry to dismiss what should have been a great match. Now you continue to justify giving up because you continue to be afraid. You are looking for what you see on TV & in the movies. That is not real. I agree with this. Our culture has set romantic love up as this impossible ideal that our biggest decisions in life should be made upon. A FEELING. Real love is so much more. There was a study put out that described how once the limerence wears off in a new relationship you basically go back to being about as happy as you were before you "fell in love." So if we're constantly chasing this impossible standard that literally makes people feel insane for a brief period of time then it's no wonder people throw in the towel because they're feeling they're not getting what they're owed in a marriage. I'm sure Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had all of that passionate fire at first that made him divorce his wife and now look LOL. OP you might have been young at the time but you made a decision to marry and have a family. I don't necessarily agree that women should spend their twenties dating/sleeping around - look how many women and men nowadays can't seem to connect in any meaningful way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunshinewhenitrains Posted April 8, 2021 Author Share Posted April 8, 2021 @understand50 @d0nnivain @Allupinnit Thank you for your inputs, and I always appreciate brutal honesty I know the "in love" fairy tale in the movies like the Notebook and living happily ever after. That's not what I'm chasing. Perhaps it's more of a deeper connection where you feel you'd do anything for that person. When you know they're "the one." When I felt being "in love" with someone else I had this sense of needing to protect that person, always wanting to be there, help them, not knowing what I would do without them. Since I met my husband at 18, I didn't even want to be his girlfriend but I agreed because I didn't want to lose him 100% because we were friends first (I was young, didn't know any better). Then I was 20 with nowhere to live and he took me in. He's always been there to fall back on and I love him for that. But I was always too scared to leave and didn't know how to survive in the real world without him. And I can't say he's the perfect man, I put up with a lot. Jealousy, controlling, him belittling me. There were times where he was awful to me and emotionally abused me. But he would be the one to wipe my tears, take care of me when ill, the only person in the world I could count on. Since I left he has changed for the better and I love him for the good and the 15 years we've had. He's willing and has changed everything that I didn't like. He's put in the work and that's hard to overlook because not many men would do that and I respect it. I'm just scared that if I go back I'm just going to want to leave again. My son says he likes having 2 houses and he's nicer to me when his dad is not around. If I could go back in time I would have waited for someone that "felt right," that felt like "the one." Are those words more plausible than "in love?" Idk if it will ever "feel right" so is that worth fighting for? But yet it's hard to walk away from someone I know, love, and trust. I'm aware of what else is out there, not much, and it's a huge risk. This is a tough decision and I want to be 100% with my choice before I decide. This 1/2 in 1/2 out thing is exhausting! That's why I'm on here and which also encouraged me to set up an appointment with a therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Sunshinewhenitrains said: I can't say he's the perfect man, I put up with a lot. Jealousy, controlling, him belittling me. There were times where he was awful to me and emotionally abused me. But he would be the one to wipe my tears, take care of me when ill, the only person in the world I could count on. This puts this discussion in a different perspective. You married when you were young, you have had limited life and relationship experience, and you have been involved in a rather unhealthy/emotionally abusive relationship with your husband. That explains both why you want to leave and also, why it’s so hard to leave. It’s good that things have improved since you left - your husband has grown as a person, your son says it’s better. Those are good reasons to divorce - you have a healthier relationship with your husband now and that is reflected in your son’s words. But still, you have a hard time letting go because you likely have issues with attachment and you have a complicated relationship with this man. The decision to marry the man was more of a practical decision. In a way, you were moving away from something rather than moving toward something that you wanted... I’m glad you have an appointment with a counsellor. I hope you find a good therapist because I think it will help you more than you know... Edited April 8, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 The therapist will be helpful This new info puts everything in a different light. This guy is not a good person. You just have no other choices. If you have been out f his house for 4 year you must have some kind of job. You are probably stronger than you know Not being head of heels "in love" is a stupid reason to leave a marriage. Escaping a situation where you are being abused, belittled & controlled is an excellent reason to leave a marriage. You already know this sucks & things are better without him so finalize the divorce & celebrate your emancipation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 On 4/7/2021 at 8:27 PM, Sunshinewhenitrains said: I met my husband at 18, now I'm 33. We built a life together, although I felt I wanted out the whole time but it was easier to stay. We bought a house and have an 8 year old son. I moved out at 29, 4 years ago because I was depressed knowing I married someone I was never in love with. It's an empty, unfilling, and trapped feeling with regret. I bought my own house and tried to move on, even experienced being "in love" with someone which eventually shattered my heart. But my husband's still been there for me physically and emotionally the whole time. He's finally done trying to make things work but I don't want to lose him but yet scared to experience the same depression if I go back. What other man would go through all of this and still be there "for family" as he says. I can have a good life with him but I'm not in love with him. Should I go back or part ways? So tough. I suppose it depends on the situation. Some people just learn to live together as friends and consign certain aspects of their life to the 'back room'. Others may come to an agreement. But I don't know if that works long term and I suppose it depends on what you both want from your partnership. I do have a habit of 'fitting in' to other people's awkward lifestyles, perhaps because I struggle with it myself so I never judge in situations like this. Some people just get on with it, some find an affair patches up the emotional and physical void - that's currently what I am experiencing. People handle things in different ways. i would say communication is key and when children are involved it brings in a whole other set of welfare factors and different people have different takes on it. Talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 1 hour ago, Sunshinewhenitrains said: I can't say he's the perfect man, I put up with a lot. Jealousy, controlling, him belittling me. There were times where he was awful to me and emotionally abused me. My son says he likes having 2 houses and he's nicer to me when his dad is not around. You're doing the right thing going forward with divorce. Kids adapt, many deal with divorced parents all the time. Now start to distance yourself more. You've already taken very important steps to get away from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 Yeah I take back what I said - if he's abusing you then you need to make that clean break and draw clear boundaries with him as coparents and move on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 (edited) 14 hours ago, Sunshinewhenitrains said: If I could go back in time I would have waited for someone that "felt right," that felt like "the one." Are those words more plausible than "in love?" Those words are the same as “in love”. Basically you’re chasing feelings, and that’s not the foundation that a good marriage is built on. In other words you should be looking for specific qualities instead of feelings. Things like reliability, dependability, honesty, compassion, etc. Not saying you should stay with this guy, especially considering he was abusive. Do you trust he really has changed and wouldn’t be abusive again? Edited April 9, 2021 by Weezy1973 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SaraSays Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 On 4/7/2021 at 11:11 PM, Sunshinewhenitrains said: When people marry it's usually out of happiness and feeling they found "the one." Plenty don't marry for this reason, mindful of the history of marriage being completely unrelated to feelings for most of history, and in a large part of the world, where arranged marriage is common. Feelings being part of the equation is a new development in recent times, driven in part by films promoting the idea of fairytales and fated dalliances, instead of true, gritty reality. When you think about what a successful relationship encompasses day-to-day, what do you picture that to be in terms of activities and behaviour? When you think about what a good partner does in a relationship day-to-day, what are those things? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 8 minutes ago, SaraSays said: Plenty don't marry for this reason, mindful of the history of marriage being completely unrelated to feelings for most of history, and in a large part of the world, where arranged marriage is common. Feelings being part of the equation is a new development in recent times, driven in part by films promoting the idea of fairytales and fated dalliances, instead of true, gritty reality. When you think about what a successful relationship encompasses day-to-day, what do you picture that to be in terms of activities and behaviour? When you think about what a good partner does in a relationship day-to-day, what are those things? Exactly this. Traditionally, marriages were business arrangements, family alliances, a way to protect family inheritances, a way for women to keep a roof over the head, a way for generations to pro create. They were not about love. Of course that means many many couples historically had unhappy lives together and worse (and also why so many husbands and wives had extra marital lovers as part of the deal). The fact that we introduced love and divorce into it simply means the role of marriage has changed and it is easier to hop in and out of. I wouldn't marry for love. If I was going to marry it would be for security, but since I don't believe most humans are capable of a lifetime of monogamy (since that's the kind of animal we are) and many aren't emotionally able to deal with that kind of commitment, I think I'll be avoiding it and that's fine by me. A relationship is for happiness. Marriage is for something else - like staking your claim on someone, and putting a ring on a finger never stopped anyone from straying. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 19 hours ago, BaileyB said: 19 hours ago, Sunshinewhenitrains said: I can't say he's the perfect man, I put up with a lot. Jealousy, controlling, him belittling me. There were times where he was awful to me and emotionally abused me. But he would be the one to wipe my tears, take care of me when ill, the only person in the world I could count on. He's eroding your self-esteem, which makes you even more dependent on him. These "crumbs" of "wiping away your tears" masquerade as love when they are, in reality, quite the opposite. If you prioritize yourself, you will regain control of your life. You can begin by forming a support network and devising an exit strategy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 2 hours ago, Alpaca said: He's eroding your self-esteem, which makes you even more dependent on him. That's the strategy. It keeps the recipient dependent. Breaking the cycle is important but he will be persistent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 10, 2021 Share Posted April 10, 2021 From what you describe it sounds like you are trying to figure out your place in all this and weigh the pros and cons, also considering the belittling, jealousy, controlling behaviour and abuse, some having to do with your intimate relationship with him and other parts having to do with others including your son. If you're still in it nothing will really make sense until the divorce is done and you're way out of it. I mean done - completely done. Papers signed, everything. Hindsight will always be 20/20. Do what's best for you and find peace in all of it. Starting out all over again is not as hard or as terrifying as it seems at first. It takes time but it's not impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
Dis Posted April 10, 2021 Share Posted April 10, 2021 I don't think OP is saying the only thing she wants a high from early stages of love, limerence, unsustainable giddy love I think she's saying she never even felt that in the beginning of her relationship and wants to experience something and someone who will check her boxes I'm on the fence with what she should do. As someone in my thirties who has yet to find the right man and is well aware of how tough dating can be, it might be easier and more fullfilling to stay because none of us are guaranteed finding someone never mind someone who is good partner.... But on the other side of the coin... Who really wants to stay with someone when there's no true connection and not only that... there never was. Yes, real, lasting love isn't about butterflies and rainbows but life is also too short to stay with someone you're not happy with or at least content with It's risky either way but such is love 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lisa Posted April 12, 2021 Senior Moderators Share Posted April 12, 2021 This thread has just had a bit of a tidy up. We would like to remind members that their posts should address the OP's topic. Thank you for your cooperation. Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 It's called a marriage of convenience. Marriages take work and you need a whole lot of payment in the form of love to make it worthwhile. Link to post Share on other sites
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