Getting back an ex

[Ambz]

Hello. 

I have had an on off relationship for 3.5 years. I self sabotaged the relationship for 18 months due to insecurity and not allowing myself to believe something that felt too good to be true. I basically drove the relationship to die. I did everything and said everything I could to get him back whilst he was in a rebound relationship. We got back together and he had explained he had rebounded and for so long he was reluctant to giving me a second chance. When we got back together I found it hard not to ask about the ins and outs of what happened... After all he went on holiday with the new person who he started talking to just 1 week after we split. I mentioned her a couple of times and apologised and let it go past a year. But there has been a power shift. He would never visit my family after comments said when we spilt, he said he was putting him self first, I felt unnoticed and compared myself to his girl mates on instagram and always felt panicked he would dump me so although I was very different I still felt insecure but this time because he wasn't putting in as much effort. We have been very good and very bad, on off, on off but have really loved each other. He's recently split with me again. He's been angry and said some mean things. I've just started no contact is it impossible to get him back?

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, Ambz said:

I have had an on off relationship for 3.5 years. He's recently split with me again. He's been angry and said some mean things. I've just started no contact is it impossible to get him back?

Sorry this is happening. On/off relationships are not about love. They're about drama unresolved conflicts and excessive attachment.

No contact is not a tool to to get anyone back. However it will help you stop and reflect if being on this roller coaster of headaches and heartaches is really how you want to spend year and years of your life.

[Ambz]

@Wiseman2 I'm blaming myself for everything but it seems I'm constantly chasing. When I don't speak he eventually messages but I don't know if it will be different this time. He said he doesn't think so this time, said he wasn't going to reply then did, has blurted out a lot of anger, on a dating app to "distract himself from me". It's been a lot of head games and I'm wondering if I worked on myself, didn't go out of my way to hurt myself and geunginly let myself grow it could be different in time?

 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Ambz said:

He said he doesn't think so this time, said he wasn't going to reply then did, has blurted out a lot of anger, on a dating app to "distract himself from me". 

Ok, don't tolerate abusive behavior. Consider deleting and  blocking him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Once you have peace and can reflect, you'll see that you can do much better than this turmoil.

[Sun Seeker]

Never get back with an ex. They belong in the past, not the present or future.

Being on/off is not how a long lasting relationship works. If you two were meant to be, you would have never broken up, ever.

[spiderowl]

2 hours ago, Ambz said:

Hello. 

I have had an on off relationship for 3.5 years. I self sabotaged the relationship for 18 months due to insecurity and not allowing myself to believe something that felt too good to be true. I basically drove the relationship to die. I did everything and said everything I could to get him back whilst he was in a rebound relationship. We got back together and he had explained he had rebounded and for so long he was reluctant to giving me a second chance. When we got back together I found it hard not to ask about the ins and outs of what happened... After all he went on holiday with the new person who he started talking to just 1 week after we split. I mentioned her a couple of times and apologised and let it go past a year. But there has been a power shift. He would never visit my family after comments said when we spilt, he said he was putting him self first, I felt unnoticed and compared myself to his girl mates on instagram and always felt panicked he would dump me so although I was very different I still felt insecure but this time because he wasn't putting in as much effort. We have been very good and very bad, on off, on off but have really loved each other. He's recently split with me again. He's been angry and said some mean things. I've just started no contact is it impossible to get him back?

Ambz, I know you want him back but this is clearly not working.  For whatever reason, you were not comfortable with the way things were at first or second time around.  A guy who loves you does not leave.  You are still at the stage where you feel attached to him, bonded if you will.  This will fade with time, but you need to let him go.  You could be having a relationship with someone who ticks most of the boxes and with whom you feel safe and relaxed.  It is better to start again with someone new, after some reflection on what went wrong in your relationship.

If he has left once, he will do it again, only it would be even more painful a third time.  You will not need to chase a guy who is really interested and loves you.  In fact, chasing guys puts them off.  Now is the time to stop this pattern and for you to take charge of your life.  You do not need an angry man in your life.  This is too mixed up to repair.  Now is the time to stay no contact and to build an alternative life for yourself.  Think about what you really want from a guy and about where this guy fell short.  Give yourself some time to get over him, but in the meantime do what you can to make new friends and contacts so that you can find new ways of relating to people and happier and more positive contacts.

Edited April 7, 2021 by spiderowl

[ExpatInItaly]

No, this relationship is not going to work a third time. 

It's too dysfunctional, and it appears he's lost interest in being with you long-term. This one wasn't mean to last. 

[glows]

He's not in love with you and distrusts you. Best to consider this chapter closed (keep it closed). Take your time and don't jump into any other relationships either.

[d0nnivain]

It is impossible to get him back in your present state of mind.  this on again off again thing is a sign of dysfunction.  Let this break up be forever.  With your insecurities & your admitted sabotage of the relationship you are not in the right head space to be a good partner to anyone.  All of the "head games" on both sides mean you are better off apart.  

At present, now you have to fix yourself.  Work on your self esteem; figure out how to be open to love.  Get right with the universe.   Then you can go find a happier, heathier relationship with somebody else. 

[SpecialJ]

Sounds like both of you have insecure attachment styles and low self esteem. Relationships shouldn't be about power dynamics and insecurity, and when they are it's a good indication that their foundation is too toxic to go the distance. Even if you fix your side of things, his half would still be broken. If he fixed his half, the trust in the relationship would still need to be completely rebuilt. Each of these steps could easily take years, and that would be with full commitment on both sides. He broke up with you instead of putting in that work, which is doing you both a favor. 

 

I was once in an on off relationship with someone who behaves similarly in relationships to the way you described yourself. I did my work and fixed my boundary issues, we then cut off the on off and stopped going back to each other (though years later he still breadcrumbs me occasionally, so he hasn't changed), and I eventually met someone else with whom there is no roller coaster, no trust issues, and it's a much better way to go. The on off relationship wasn't healthy at all and all the chaos and intensity it made me feel was warning signals that we had no capacity to meet each other's needs (mostly because we each couldn't even meet our own needs at the time, so you can't expect someone else to make you happy in that situation).

 

Let him go, focus on showing up for yourself instead of him.