Am I being reasonable or am I at fault?

[Anneb24]

Please be nice. I'm already in this situation.

I have been married for almost 2 yrs (this Nov) and am unhappy and contemplating divorce. The sad part is that a year before I got married, I was already regretting it. You see, I am Armenian, and did not like men of my culture. I was dating outside the race, and my parents were not having it. I did my own thing, but every so often their disapproval would creep up and upset me. Needless to say, I gave up, and basically dated and married the first Armenian guy (my now husband) to take interest in me. He is a very nice, polite, hard-working guy. He is also a lawyer who works all the time. I am alone in this marriage, and knowing I went into it half-assed, it just got worse, it didn't get better or convince me that I did the right thing. He is somewhat inexperienced w women (as I have come to learn), and needs help knowing that he has a wife who needs attention too. In the last 1.5 yrs of our marriage, we have gone grocery shopping together twice, and never even to the mall. We only TRY to have a date night maybe once a month and on a Saturday, so if I am working one of those Saturdays, we just don't..

It's to a point where we have sex once a month, and it feels like a chore. I have brought all of this to his attention. When he kisses me in the day, its on the cheek, never tries to be sexual or anything to make me feel desirable. I brought up an example where Id like for him to grab my butt sometimes, and it's the ONLY thing he does now, almost like if I said I want my nose picked, it's the only thing he would do. I am at my wit's end. I am 30, he is 34. And I have actually, after several several mentions of this to him, we decided that if we cant make it work by the end of this year, we will divorce amicably. I am living a comfortable life, hes a lawyer, I'm a nurse, but it's perpetually boring and nothing to look forward to. I spend my days off out and about doing my own thing, and when I get home, it is usually in bed by 7pm.

More than that, it's my parents who are having these panic attacks of the thought of my divorcing, so I honestly feel like I'm keeping this ****ing marriage together just for them.

I havent been sexually attracted to my husband in almost a year now, and how can I be when he sleeps on the couch (because according to him, he wakes up early for his work from home), and only sleeps in the bed w me once a week? He never enlightens me or teaches me anything new, so I am very alone in this marriage. I cant imagine the rest of my life being this way. As much as I wanted kids before, I don't anymore. Not even a little. What do you think I could do?

I was thinking if I divorce, to do it quietly away from my parents, and get an apt. I dont know how to ignite that spark. I married for the wrong reasons and hes a great guy, but not the guy for me. Even though he says he is trying now, I can't seem to be into it anymore.

I'm so sorry that this is long, I am very lost these days. Very depressed, very hopeless

[Sun Seeker]

You are being very reasonable.

Why do you care so much about what your parents think? It's your life, your marriage, your choice. They should have no input whatsoever in how you choose to live YOUR life.

Get a divorce as soon as possible, who cares how your parents or anyone else will react. Life is too short to be worrying what others think.

Look after #1 first always. Your happiness comes first.

[glows]

You've already discussed it with your spouse and have come to a decision for the end of the year to split amicably if it is not working. Is separation required before divorce in your country?

I don't know why you're both waiting until the end of the year if you feel that both of you have checked out or have no chemistry. Is this your parents' idea?

Take your time to think things through and make peace with divorce if that's what you want. That's a dark place to wander through alone. Lean on your support network and trusted friends. See if there is individual therapy for yourself to work out your emotions also and how you feel about letting go of the institution of marriage or what it means to you culturally to divorce. Your parents are having a hard time with that and you can gain support also on how to deal with family relationships. 

My advice is to remain respectful of your parents but understand that they are from another generation and also a couple with their own beliefs and opinions. Their anxiety might mirror your resentment in the marriage so start creating better boundaries in the way you describe your marriage to them.

The ordinary family member or friend generally isn't equipped to handle issues arising from divorce. Most people are deeply troubled taking sides or having to support a person in one or the other and it causes tension in these relationships. You have to put yourself in their shoes too and take things with a pinch of salt. 

Step back and talk to a therapist about those issues you're dealing with. Spend more time with family and friends but incorporate happier memories and times also. Lean on family and friends for support in the sense of creating more togetherness and good times if possible, rebuild your life in other ways. 

[Yosemite]

Do you live in Armenia?

If you're not attracted to Armenian men, it may be hard to find someone else.

I guess your decision depends on whether you'd prefer to be alone or in a passion-less marriage.

Maybe after the divorce you can move to another country so that you can meet the type of men that you like.

[Anneb24]

5 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

Do you live in Armenia?

If you're not attracted to Armenian men, it may be hard to find someone else.

I guess your decision depends on whether you'd prefer to be alone or in a passion-less marriage.

Maybe after the divorce you can move to another country so that you can meet the type of men that you like.

I live in the LA. Sorry I guess I should have made that clear in my OP...

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Anneb24 said:

I live in the LA. 

Ok, talk to him about an amicable divorce. Why be miserable? 

[Yosemite]

51 minutes ago, Anneb24 said:

I live in the LA. Sorry I guess I should have made that clear in my OP...

Then I think divorce is the right answer. You have a high likelihood of finding true love...and so does he. He may be feeling the same way about you that you feel about him. If you divorce, you both have a chance at a happy relationship. Good luck.

PS, I wouldn't way until the end of the year, just get it over with. 

[mark clemson]

While I don't advise people to divorce, it's also simply stating a fact that some marriages are not worth saving as they cause more unhappiness that being single would AND (echoing what's been stated above) that generally one can't let one's parents run one's life as that too can often be a ticket to an unhappy/unsatisfying existence.