My relationship and experience of the NC rule

[onwardswego]

I would like to share my story, as I have been lingering on this forum for some time now, as well as a couple of others. I had always hoped it would be a success story after our break up but unfortunately it didn't work out that way (you probably wont be surprised).

 

Please excuse the length of this post. It's going to include a large history of this relationship. The information is going to be littered with negatives, as its hard to forget them. It's easy to bring them up as the events around them were generally positive for the most part and not worth mentioning.

I am just looking to put my thoughts on paper and maybe bond with a couple of people who have gone through similar experiences. Hopefully it provides some good reading material.

 

Here goes...

 

I met this girl at the beginning of February 2020 and was with her until the end of October 2020. We met on an online dating site and it started off well. We had substance to our conversations, something that is hard for me to find in another person. I am very picky and having stimulating conversation is a must for me. She lives just over an hour away in a different city. We spoke for about a week and we planned our first meet up. It was going to be on a weekday (turning out to be my birthday). We made plans and I expected to hear from her on the day, at least to say Happy Birthday and then we would take it from there. But I heard nothing so just left it alone. It got to 10pm and I get a Happy Birthday message, by this time obviously too late to meet up. She came up with excuses of why it never materialised, but we made plans for the following weekend.

 

First time I met her and the date was alright. I wouldn't say sparks were flying from the get go but I was definitely intrigued with her as a person and I later understand that she was intrigued by me also. We slept together as she of course stayed the night, given she lives in a different city. The following day she tells me she cheated on her last boyfriend (no not with me, but first red flag). I later found out that it was ended maybe three months prior to me. They met and lived in a different country and lived for their for about a year. She came back and cheated on him for extremely shallow and self serving reasons, and she told me he cheated on her back after.

 

There was a gap of two weeks before I saw her next. She was wishy washy in making plans. I reached out eventually after expecting her to get back to me and we made vague plans. I was going to be in the same city as her to view an art show with friends. While I was at the show she was busy. I asked her what she was up to while we were chatting and she said "None of my business!!!" lol. Whether she meant it as a joke I do not know. I told her I would leave her to it and then suddenly she becomes immediately available. So we meet up. She doesn't show up with good energy, I could tell something was off, but we had a reasonably good night anyway. However, at one point, for some reason she told me "I don't owe you anything". I don't think I instigated her to say this as I wasn't expecting much from the relationship at this point, but she said it quite cuttingly nonetheless (another red flag).  

 

Some time after this we were together and she asked me a question that related back to an event during the night that I stayed at hers. She asked me "Was it you who stayed the night when x happened?". I said yes. I then said how awkward would it be if she'd brought this up and it hadn't been me who had stayed, shining some lightheartedness on the situation in a joking manner. She said "Well, you wouldn't really get to have much of a say in that matter." or something along those lines, as if to say "I can do as I please as we are not together". Again, cutting and emotionally unavailable, there was really no need to be so blunt about it. We had not made anything official and I knew this.

 

Over the next couple of months our relationship began to develop. My feelings began getting stronger and I opened up to her about it. We did bond very well, the most strongly I've bonded with anyone of the opposite sex in my entire life. It just felt right the majority of the time. But occasionally she would say things that screamed she was emotionally unavailable. It always kind of burned me. However, I perhaps stupidly persevered as I knew I could really love this girl, and I did eventually, regardless of the initial statements that came up. I never had much of a gut feeling it could go wrong, but my head would sometimes tell me so. I chose to ignore it.

 

Coronavirus came and she left to go back home. We kept up a lot of communication. We could talk like a house on fire. Once the first lockdown was eased she was able to come back to the city. We made plans almost straight away. However, when I asked her to meet before she was back she ignored me for two entire days. I was genuinely surprised at the length of time it took to respond and thought this was the end of our relationship and it actually brought me to tears. But after the two days she messaged me, excused herself as was supposedly extremely sick (probably bullshit). She told me she couldn't meet that weekend as would be meeting her brother. Then the plans with her brother were cancelled and she made plans with her friends. She then proceeded to ignore me until the next day. Given the negativity in the relationship and her unfaithfulness I became insecure about the situation. I told myself that she must be with another person (she may or may not have been). I just couldn't fully trust her given that she had cheated on her previous boyfriend, and it did sometimes worry me that it would happen to me. The following day I told her we should just chalk the relationship up to experience and go our separate ways. I gave her a vague reason but then she probed and I told her why. She convinced me I was just being insecure and I would have to trust her. I let it go and we continued.

 

It will be hard for people to understand why I stuck around. I saw some really good characteristics in this girl, I saw characteristics in her that made a great partner, but she was fundamentally broken deep down and had her demons. Our good times were really really strong, we could just be in each other's company and feel at one with each other. We could laugh and have lots of joy and shared love. I knew she loved me and I loved her. We would talk about a future, what type of place we would like to live in. I loved visiting her and loved the city she lived in, open to the idea of one day moving there. I loved when she would visit me. She told me that she was considering moving to my city as I own my flat there and it would help us close the distance (which didn't help matters). This idea did eventually change though. It really felt great the majority of the time, until issues came up. I could sometimes feel there was a wall up on her side, her guard up (I addressed this) and she never fully made herself vulnerable throughout the relationship. I knew that I couldn't make myself fully vulnerable as she wasn't making steps to be vulnerable at all. I always led the vulnerability in the relationship. I tried to help and guide her along the way by opening myself up to her. I was always hoping that she would get better over time. There were moments where she was vulnerable, but I feel it was on and off. Coupled by the fact that she could often be defensive, as if in fight or flight, and sometimes be quite snappy and dismissive of my emotions. It was honestly as if she was scared to really give herself to me. 

 

Our relationship continued to deepen. We would get close but then she would often say something to create friction, a critical statement of something she didn't like me doing, or clothes I would wear. It didn't bother me an awful lot as I am very confident in myself, I feel good in what I say and do and I am someone who doesn't allow that type of ribbing to bother me. Looking back our relationship was fundamentally unhealthy at times. I'd feel the love and then feel pushed away. I was always ready to walk away. I also came to learn that during adversity she would often close off, be unwilling to communicate, pretty much showing no ability to be able to discuss the problems. We would manage to put things behind us but I don't think we really managed to resolve these issues. She told me she avoided conflict, and she definitely did. But when the bad times came she would just appear passive aggressive in her actions because she close herself off. She never spoke about her needs in the relationship. I

 

About a month before our break up we went on a weekend trip away. I could sense things were falling apart over the course of the trip. For example, she was being negative/moaning about my concern over my mobile data. I had run out of data and was using a new sim card. The data wasn't loading properly on it and I needed it to navigate around the area. I had hired a car as I don't own one and don't often drive, so I wanted to make it as stress free as possible. She was obviously coming from a place that we should just be enjoying our time together but I don't really think she considered how I was feeling about it. I resolved the situation over about three hours. The more I showed it was a concern the more she would be unaccommodating and make me feel bad. Another example was on the day we were leaving. We stopped off at a cafe and the intention was just to get a takeaway coffee. When we went inside the cafe it was quite nice but the music was far too loud for it's own relaxing decor. She asked if I wanted to stay, I told her it was too loud and she sort of scoffed and tutted. Again, disregarding my emotions and being self serving. If it was a case that she had changed her mind and wanted to stay in the cafe then I would have understood this if she had just told me that, but she didn't communicate her needs. She never communicated her needs in the entire relationship. 

 

Not long after the trip we made plans to spend the weekend together. Closer to the time she changed her plans. She had moved into a new flat with new people not long before this as her lease was expired on the old one. She told me that she wanted to spend the night with her flatmates on Friday. She also told me that she would be meeting her brother during the day on Saturday (who lives in my city) so would come and meet me after. So she was now changing plans to give the Saturday night and some of Sunday. At this point I was getting a little fed up with the relationship, I told her just to leave it this weekend. I was a little annoyed that she just changed plans and expected I'd be okay with it. She never really gave me the option. I was perhaps being a bit harsh as she would be in my city anyway so why not let her come by? But I guess I was fed up with being hurt. She got on at me for not accommodating her position of why it should be fine for her to see me for basically just the evening and it bothered me that she was being selfish. I broke it off there and then. I will admit that it was an emotional whim but I should have stuck by my decision.

 

After my emotions settled I regretted the decision. I couldn't forget, regardless of her shitty attitude from time to time, that I really did love this girl. I messaged her and she ended up coming around. She was the most walled up I have seen her from the get go. Kind of understandable since I'd broke it up now and broke it off before. We spoke at length (mostly me, since she doesn't communicate her underlying issues, again, conflict avoidant). She just said that I can be difficult at times, which I'm sure I can be. If I'd ever try to get her to tell me some examples so I could improve she would struggle to tell me. The moments when we were together and she did tell me I'd done something that bothered her it would come out semi explosive and came from nowhere. It never allowed me the chance to really understand what I was doing, and it always seemed a little bit unfair. I did actually begin to cry when I was sitting there discussing my issues with the relationship, I couldn't hold it in. She comforted me but that was about it, as I knew she didn't know what to say. I was meant to be the rock but she had well and truly beaten me down.

 

We put the situation behind us. Buuuuut, maybe a week or two later she planned to come over to mine on the Friday, She would be at her friend's flat beforehand and agreed that she would get the 9:30pm bus. This was important to me as she would be arriving at night ad she would be uncomfortable being in the city centre alone. I agreed I would come get her as she arrived, which would involve me travelling to the city centre to get there around 10:30pm. Disappointingly, at 9:30pm I text her asking if she was leaving yet. I called, no answer. I heard nothing until 10:00pm. She text me saying sorry and that she hadn't realised the time, and would get to my city around 12:00pm. This changed everything, as I had put my night to the side to accommodate when she may be arriving. She has a watch on her wrist and I'd have thought that given she was the one to tell me what her plan was that she would at least keep an eye on it, especially since she asked me to come get her. I was obviously bothered by this and just told her to leave it, as it was now an inconvenience for me. She called me up and didn't sound to be in any regret but immediately challenged my decision, disregarding my internal emotions. I knew as soon as she phoned me that it was going to feel toxic and as if she was going to try bully me into it. In the back of my mind I thought she would just come by in the morning the following day (a misunderstanding). She left the conversation and I could tell she was upset. I felt bad and we exchanged a few text messages and at one point I just asked if she would come tomorrow. She ignored me. She ignored me until the following evening around 8:00pm. I was so frustrated by the fact that she was again avoiding communication when we were having an issue. I called her a load of times, she ignored them. I text her telling her to pick up, she ignored them. When she FINALLY did pick up the phone I was relatively calm, trying to sound somewhat sympathetic that she may be annoyed/upset by the previous nights events. But she bit me and told me she didn't regret stonewalling me and "would do it again"!!! That was it. Again, myself being emotional, I told her that enough was enough, and this was the end. I didn't feel I deserved to be punished this way when she was the one to create the issue in the first place. 

 

Throughout all the time we had our issues, I reiterated and reiterated what we had to do. I told her she had walls up. I tried my best to care for her so that she would let them disappear. I told her we need to be team players. I told her we need to communicate. But time and time again she showed that she was unable to do this. At times I honestly felt like the enemy.

 

Days passed and we began talking again. We both accepted each other back. This was now the third time I'd ended it. Looking back I honestly feel terrible for this. But the way I was feeling felt like I had no other options. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle. I can not fully understand how this must have made her feel and I know it would have made her feel terrible. But the relationship just wasn't working. 

 

We only met up a few times after this. The last time I saw her she told me she needed space. She would usually do this during conflicts, instead of getting to the nitty gritty by talking things over. But I gave her all the space she needed. I saw her maybe 2 or 3 times during this. Many of the weekends she would would disappear for the evening via text. I asked her if she was okay. She told me she was depressed. We still kept in regular contact and I was always loving and caring towards her. She disappeared one evening just after I'd asked if we would be seeing each other the following week. I was annoyed that she was disappearing again so I told her that she was going to create a problem if she was going to disappear. That was too far for her and the next evening she told me we need to talk. I agreed. She called me up and told me that she was not ready to be my girlfriend/in a relationship. She was reluctant to ever put a title on us, but we did agree exclusivity. I told her I had a feeling she was not ready to fully commit throughout the entire relationship. She told me she had thought she was ready but realised not. I could tell that she was finding it difficult to fully end it. She told me she didn't want to and didn't want it to be final. I proposed that we try not talking for the next two weeks and see how we feel. At the end of this time I was in pain and probed her to do what she had to do. I didn't think that there was any other options. She called me on the Friday and briefly spoke to me as was in the supermarket. I attempted to fight for the relationship somewhat, and she continued to allude to the idea that this wasn't the end. When we did eventually speak properly over the phone there was a lot of grief and crying from both of us.

 

We stayed in contact for the next 4 or so weeks. I didn't have any ill feelings at this time, had some questions to ask ect. She continuously told me that she needed time, needed to be alone, was worried that my feelings will have changed by the time she was ready (I told her that they probably wont), basically make sure that I would keep the door open, told me there was hope. At one point I mentioned how it would probably take me 6 months to move on to someone else, she told me it would be a year. I mentioned  that if she had to be with other men during this time and planned on coming back, there would be no future relationship. I respected the idea that she had to deal with her demons and to be alone. I respected the fact that she was probably aware that she brought some baggage to the relationship and was going to figure things out. If she needed other people to do this, rather than working it out with me, I'd be disgusted.

 

Eventually I told her we should stop talking as I knew it wasn't doing me any favours in moving on. She told me she didn't want to cut contact and gave more of the impression that there was hope left for us in the future. We left it on that note. 

 

For the following 3.5 months I never reached out. She messaged me at Christmas and I replied without expecting a follow up. I was not bitter and didn't want to come across as so. I was adamant that it would have to be her as it would only be her that could prove that things would be different. The issues that came up were more often than not created by her and I didn't want it to ever be the same relationship if she was to come back. But she was always on my mind. I couldn't not think about her. I couldn't stop thinking about the past, the issues we had, what would be different, what would we have to change, how could we work it out, could we work it out? All this because the door was still open. And again, I genuinely did love this girl and prayed it would work out.

 

I spoke with a family member and told them I couldn't get over it. They told me I should just reach out and see where she was at. I considered this to be the best thing for me, as I was stuck in the past, and I have no regrets that I broke NC, as you will soon see. She was very responsive to me when I reached out. We caught up briefly. It felt different to text her like it had been in the past. I asked if we could talk on the phone. She basically ignored the request and chose to speak about the other topics that I was mentioning. I asked her if she didn't want to chat to me. She told me it just felt weird to speak on the phone. I took that as she had completely moved on, and suggested that this chapter was closed. She told me it wasn't like that and that she just had nothing to say because of life moving so slowly in lockdown. I told her I understood and that she knew that the lines of communication were open and that she should call me in a couple of weeks, which she seemed to agree on.

 

A couple of weeks pass and I heard nothing. I wanted to wrap this up so I text her asking if she would like to chat the following week. She ignored the request and deflected to another topic, quite hilariously. She didn't want to talk on the phone, and we finalised things there. She was only going to offer friendship which I do not have any desire for. There is too much to mend IMO and there would be a lot of resentment. Even if we were to try things again, it would have been a mountain to climb, with a lot to prove

 

To put the icing on the cake of this entirely dysfunctional situation, and to my extreme disappointment, she told me she was dating someone knew. I asked because I had a hunch, given how avoidant she was being to speaking on the phone and how in general she was being quite dismissive/detached in her tone. This is the girl who convinced me there was some sort of future, when I'd have been happy to leave it when it was over, but now hope was gone. In her words "Yeah, there is always some hope, but it just didn't work out that way" or something the like. It hadn't even been 4 months... It is so trashy.

 

So that's the end of that. I am not going to lie to you folks, I am not in a good place mentally due to the entire relationship and now this, as you'd expect. I wholeheartedly loved this girl, more than I've ever loved anyone else. I know I know, but look at all the issues we were having. It's very easy to to highlight the negatives when you're trying to vent/get over the relationship. She is not a bad person, she had lots of attractive and good qualities about her, we had some loving and great times, and I know she never meant to put any of this on me. I shouldn't have ignored the red flags. It doesn't surprised me at all that it never worked out and it ended in the worst way possible. She does not have the required characteristics that are were fundamental to the success of our relationship. Communication, vulnerability, cooperation. But nonetheless I am pretty devastated that it never worked out. I know she was too when it was coming to the end. 

 

I do feel sorry for her, whether I can help it or not, as she is her ow worst enemy. Her two prior relationships ended due to her cheating. The first partner experienced her cheating on him with the new guy she met abroad, and then she cheated on the new guy with a one night stand when she got back at home. So she has cheated in her last two relationships, then met me 3 months later, and has now met someone else approx or less than 3 months later. I have no respect for her actions, especially when she continuously told me she had to be alone. She is just going to continue on in this self destructive path until it can't go on any longer. I have been looking in to commitment phobia and she seems to display many many traits of this. She compartmentalised me from her family (never even told them about me, says she doesn't tell them about any of her relationships, even though she has met mine), kept me out of reach of her friends, never gave us an official label and basically sabotaged our relationship through finding tiny/petty faults in me. I feel that through her actions she actually wanted me to be the one who ended it.

 

I am not shifting any sort of the blame, I know I am no saint nor perfect. It would have been great if she could have just told me what those issues may have been, maybe we could have worked it out. Maybe we would have both fought for the relationship. I will always feel bad for trying to end it, as that is the most damage I can see that I was doing. She told me she was insecure. She told me that I might one day hurt her. My eyes are welling up about how things didn't work out. I did have faith things could have if we could have just sorted out the issues, but that was too much too ask for. And my mind knows full well, as you may realise, after reading this too. I think this story says a lot about me and I have perhaps my own demons to deal with. I have learned a lot about myself and what I need in a future partner. I have learned a lot about why I may have been attracted to this girl in the first place. At least I can take that away from the situation.

 

I hope that someone can get something from this story and not have to go through the pain that I have gone through. I should have shut the door a long time ago. I should have shut the door from the beginning. But I had faith! I still have faith that things could have been different. I believed that much in the bond that we had, regardless of the issues she brought to the table. The issues she brought are on her, not on me. 

 

I would advise only break NC if you really want to move on, if there is hope holding you back, because that's what I needed to do, and I'm thankful for it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Marc878]

Hopium addiction.

[onwardswego]

Just now, Marc878 said:

Hopium addiction.

Haha, you're not wrong.

[trident_2020]

Breaking no contact to reach out to a dumper usually just sets the dumpee back even further.

Rarely is it productive.

[Marc878]

From what I’ve seen most dumpees work extremely hard at finding excuses to break NC. Then get devastated again when rejected.

Most have to learn the hard way and some never learn.

[dramafreezone]

I'm not reading all of that, but I'll say that I don't believe in NC as the best way to move on from a breakup.   With NC, you just give that other person power over you, IMO.

It's because it's a deliberate strategy that has to be employed purposefully.  It's the same thing as a spendaholic cutting up their credit cards.  There's a root issue, and it's not that object that you're trying to eliminate.  It's about changing behaviors, building a fulfilling life to the point wher you don't need to depend on those vices.

Your end goal should be that same shopaholic that learns to spend responsibly.  From what I did read, I don't see what you've done to improve your life, so you can NC for another 5 months, she calls and you'll be right back at square one.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you need to learn to recognize when a woman is just not that into you. 

What you call "walls" looks a lot more like "disinterest" on her end. She's essentially always been distant and with one foot out the door and only kind of into you, and you kept trying to convince yourself that she's just emotionally unavailable. There's a significant difference between that and just not caring and having no respect for others. This chick is the latter. 

You also say things could be better if you two worked as a team, and that she's her own worst enemy. The flaw with that line of thinking is that she is fine with her life the way it is. It might look chaotic to you (and indeed many others) but she's not upset about it. This is how she wanted it, so she didn't want to work on these issues. They aren't issues for her, in other words. Hence why your plea to be team members fell on deaf ears. She didn't want to join the team. 

Stick to No Contact. Reflect on why you so badly wanted this person to love you. It's got a lot more to do with you than her. You will get over this but I suggest you do some inner work to figure out what attracted you to such dysfunction. It's not about her.