Divorce...she wants it, but is waiting. Do I make her or do I get it done?

[mlchris2]

We'll after a non-productive weekend, I found out that my wife told me she would give us time, only becuase that's what I wanted to hear. So, were divorcing, except I told her if she wants the divorce, she can file it. She said okay, but then is holding off for whatever reason. It could be another 2 months before she goes and gets it done or talks to a lawyer.

 

Rather than sit back and take her crap for another 2 months, should I just go and get it done? Will it benefit me in anyway shape or form if I file for divorce?

 

I would appriciate your help in this matter...

[hooghie]

I doubt it will benefit you in any way in court.

 

When I told my ex it was over, he said 'ok, but you do it and make it fast.' As part of a childish revenge tactic, I took my time because he was alwasy slow at everything I wanted HIM to do. I'm not suggesting this is the cause, I'm just saying it may not be because she wants to work things out.

 

If you want to get it over with and move on, just do it. I also wonder if there are financial reasons she has not filed yet. WATCH YOUR FINANCES.

[mlchris2]

I believe its a combination of Financial situation and wanting to hurt me even more by streching it out...

 

I wasnt sure if I would get shafted or not if I filed or didnt file. That's good.

 

One other thing. she's a waitress and makes anywhere from $900-$1600 a month depending. We have children, so when figuring out child support, can anyone offer advice on how the court decides her Gross Monthly income if it ranges so much? I'm worried about me having to pay over and above the amount, becuase she doesnt have a set monthly income. Can a court rule that she obtain a job that produces stable income everymonth?

 

What about day care? while we were married, I was working during the day and she would work at night, I "might" be moving out of state for a career move and not able to watch the kids... I checked on a Nanny at nights and its $1200 a month. I have a hookup on daycare during the day for $600-800 a month. would a court rule that she obtain a job that require she work during the day?

[hooghie]

How a court rules really depends on the laws of your state. My state is based on the 'what would be fair' theoretical principle.

 

I think in any case, if your wife will be the primary care taker she will not be forced to change her job/work more hours. The court will probably look at her yearly income, but since she works from tips- it is probably grossly misrepresented.

 

The best advice I can give you is that if children and finances are involved- get a lawyer. She will probably do the same. TRY and work something between you that is fair to both parties. A messy divorce can be really ugly.

[mlchris2]

thank Hoogie...

 

I believe my state is the same, they try and make it as fair as possible.

 

Her employeer is suppose to "require them by law" to report 100% of tips. She reports only 5% at best. So her paystub only shows she makes $200-300 per month. But the last 5 months she has averaged $1400 (take home).

 

We were going to do everything civily, but after being told I was a worthless father and husband and not caring for 7 years, being told that her parents (whom I live with now) were stabbing me in the back, that her family thinks she parents just fine and that I have no say as to what goes on with the seperation... I've had enough. As of today, I stopped paying all her bills, I stopped paying her medical insurance, I stopped paying... I am watching the kids according to my schedule and if she doesnt like it, she can get a baby sitter. I am seeking the coaching of an attorney and am going to make her file for divorce.

 

tonight was a bad night for me, after hearing that I was worthless, a failure, un-wanted, etc I was really thinking about ending my own life. I haven't spoken to my mother for 10 years and I called her tonight. If it wasnt for the help of the group here, my mom (whom I hope to have a real son-mother relationship with) I will not let this woman ruin my life as she has done this past month.

 

Do you think in the end it will hurt me if I stop paying for her bills? Doing so will allow me to afford a place to live. I figure is I have to pay for something, the court is going to make me, not her.

 

Thanks a bunch.

[Devildog]

It would be wise to talk with a lawyer. Different states have different laws. In my state, irregardless of what my XW makes, I pay 20% of my net pay in child support.

 

Also a word of warning, don't try to be civil in discussing these things. It will do you no good and will only serve to get you bent over. For example, my XW's brother died on Thanksgiving morning a few years ago. Thanksgiving was a very solemn day for her family after that. I tried to be nice and civil, said I understand the deal with Thanksgiving, told her I would be willing to let her have Thanksgivings, but I would like a major family holiday in exchange for never spending another Thanksgiving with my daughter. I suggested Easter. She said no, but since I offered Thanskgiving she was taking it.

 

Being as you are the main bread-winner in the family, and she works nights, I think you have an excellent chance to be named custodial parent. Then she gets to pay you child support. Seriously, many states realize the importance of an active, involved father in a child's life. And more and more states are getting away from the matriarchal system where mothers get undisputed custody and the father gets every other weekend scraps. With a situation like yours, I think it is very likely that you would be awarded custody.

 

Talk to an attorney as soon as possible to file for a legal separation or divorce. Some states require a separation period before a divorce anyway. But until that happens, she will still be able to open credit card accounts in your name and run up your credit cards. And you can still be held legally accountable for those charges. Getting all that started will protect you from her causing you financial damage.

[hooghie]

I wouldn't completely stop giving her support and being difficult with the kids. She can easily get an emergency court order demanding support and a judge probably won't look to keenly on you for behaving this way.

 

Get a lawyer. The lawyer may suggest for you to go to court and determine the appropriate amount.

 

BTW-if you do end up in court- you can contest the truth about her earnings and she will either lie and purjur herself or be honest.

[dgiirl]

mlchris, the guys above have offered you great advice legally. Seek a lawyer to know your full rights and asap. You dont need to file, but as long as you know the rules, you wont get yourself in trouble.

 

Second, after 5 months of waiting for my ex to file, I finally had it, and by the advice of my lawyer, we filed. It was the BEST thing I ever did for myself. 1) A bailiff had to hand deliver the papers, so it was my ex who had to go through that experience. 2) I couldnt keep waiting onto hope and not knowing when the drop was about to drop. This way I dropped it, there was no more hurt he could inflict on me. 3) By me filing, I kind of "sued" my ex forcing him to either negoitiate with me or go to court. He really really didnt want to go to court, so he started to negotiate with me a week b4 he would have had to started filing his case for a court appeal.

 

Third, all the bs your stbxw is spewing at you now is total bs. One of the rules I've read on the internet, believe nothing they say and half of what they do. You can read my history to see the crap my ex spewed at me as he walked out of our marriage. It was cruel. It was hurtful. It brought me to the verge of commiting suicide. But it wasnt the truth. For some reason, my ex needed to believe these things so that he could justify walking out of the marriage. Read up on wayward spouses. You'll see the fog they enter and the reasons why they need to believe such things. My ex eventually admitted (after about 6 months, and a letter I had written to him) that the way he left made him sick to his stomach. That his actions that night was a form of cognitive dissonance. Your ex needs to believe these hateful things in order to justify her leaving. Dont fall for the trap of seeking revenge. It only proves to her she's right. And I would be damned if I would have done anything to justify my ex leaving.

[Mz. Pixie]

MLchris-

 

Don't give up on yourself- it would hurt your children too bad to lose you!

 

Please get a lawyer. I probably wouldn't have cancelled her health insurance without notifying her- that may make you look bad in court. A lawyer will help you. I agree with DD- you could stand a chance of getting the kids- especially since she did things with the kids around since you guys separated. Has this guy spent the night with your kids around??

 

Get to a lawyer asap. You file first, she is just trying to get her strategy together as well as her money. Take the decision out of her hands.

[slubberdegullion]

Get to a lawyer asap. You file first, she is just trying to get her strategy together as well as her money. Take the decision out of her hands.

As usual, Mz. Pixie is exactly right.

 

But I'm curious, mlchris2; why all the dithering? I mean, I appreciate the fact that you come to here looking for advice and feedback, but what about actually taking action? (no offence intended here, I'm just curious)

[mlchris2]

I took a few days off work to relax and it helped. I talked with my best friend and he told me there's more to life that this woman.

 

I did try to give her what she wanted, got sick of it and end-ed up not playing this game. I then gave in, like mr. nice guy and back in the same boat. I'm doing whatever it takes to see if she will come around.

 

Heres where I stand...

 

I know I screwed up things. I know for what reasons and there are somethings I dont understand. I am seeking the help of a counselor for help. I want something to happen... If feel that if she truely wanted it over, she would have filed the papers for divorce. Being that it's been a month and were still playing the same game, that shows me there is a chance we can work it out and that's what Im working off of. Its the same reason I'm letting her call the shots. I plan on taking it day by day for awhile to see what happens. If after a few months, no progress is being made, then I plan on filing the papers myself and getting it over with.

 

thanks for the information and words of encouragement.