ST81 Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 Hi I have posted on here a couple of times about on-going marriage issues and problems with my husbands controlling behaviour. I am still trying to make things work and really hope in the long term it will, even if difficult at times. Today I am hoping for some thoughts on helping with alcohol intake. My husband has always been a heavy drinker, drinking far more than me. However a year of lockdown and ongoing mental health issues his drinking has escalated to where he no longer feels in control of it. I have researched the stages of alcoholism and believe he is in stage 2 where a dependency is formed. About 2 weeks ago he asked me for help to reduce what he is drinking - I am very pleased and relieved he admitted there is a problem and asked for help. He made it clear he does not want to stop, but rather reduce to weekends. I like a g&t and couple of glasses of wine at the weekend, he does too but when he knocks back 7 or 8 drams of rum on a Monday night is an issue. Our daughter has also noticed. He isn't drunk all the time, but one night every 3 weeks totally off drink isn't good. So of course I help him, but the catch is how he wants help. Previously in the past we have dabbled with male chastity and it can be fun, though think he definitely enjoys it more. For me the memories and feelings of this are tied up into memories of his control, at times in the past when he controlled everything and if he'd had a meltdown I felt I had to go along with what he wanted or he would have walked. Emotional manipulation there at its best. All these times in the past when he had a meltdown screaming at me that I don't care about him or our marriage I have found from my own therapy is his anxious attachment style triggered, there is a strong correlation between this behaviour and times i was genuinely distracted from him, such as when my dad was ill with cancer primarily which was a bumpy road for a few years on and off. Or I did get busy at work for a week or 2 - and preparing him for that agead of time did not help. That puts me off using it now. He wants to go down that road again with the view "if i'm not happy with his drinking or being lazy - then neither is he". While asking for help with drinking he also said to me to push him more to do things....ie housework for example- he only works 25 hours a week and deal was for him to do that, but i was still cleaning every Saturday afternoon as he didn't do it. So this all makes me very nervous because I feel once again he is putting the responsibility on to me to patrol his behaviour! Thats not who I am, or how I want to be. I am helping his reduce drinking (he managed 2 nights free of it this week!) and being honest about tasks he needs to do. But he has to take responsibility for his behaviour, all of it. There is so much help available- for alcohol, depression, anxiety, anger management but i still cannot get him to go for counselling. I absolutely am willing to help him but not on his grounds with this. And I feel very nervous telling him this in case I get back "well if you don't want to help me then...." - this may be my mind working overtime. I also think that if chastity is used for his alcohol issues it takes the fun out of it, not really what its all about - am I wrong? My instincts are screaming this is not the way to deal with this issue. Any thoughts? Am I being unreasonable not to do this? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 You can't fix him. You have to do you. Start by getting involved with Al-Anon the support group for people who love addicts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 "Reducing" drinking, is not the solution to this kind of problem drinking. Get some info an help for living with problem drinking: https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ST81 Posted April 8, 2021 Author Share Posted April 8, 2021 3 hours ago, d0nnivain said: You can't fix him. You have to do you. Start by getting involved with Al-Anon the support group for people who love addicts. Thanks for your reply, I know he has to help himself- this is the latest in a long list of issues. I have contacted al-anon for help for myself. I was in councelling last year too but think I need some extra sessions again 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ST81 Posted April 8, 2021 Author Share Posted April 8, 2021 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: "Reducing" drinking, is not the solution to this kind of problem drinking. Get some info an help for living with problem drinking: https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/ Yes I agree and I did say to him he needs to stop - but appears is not ready for that. I have contacted al-anon and there are 3 groups local to where I live Link to post Share on other sites
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