'I'm afraid of being alone'

[Legatus]

One of my friends I know for a long time lost her second half few months ago. Between then and now she would mention, at times, how scares she is to be alone. She hasn't been since she was a teenager (boyfriend and then 12 years of the last relationship).

She told me we wouldn't work together because I would never stay in this country just for her, which is probably true, but, here comes the question - when she said it again "I'm afraid of being alone", red flags popped into my head everywhere. Suddenly I wasn't even interested in an idea of being with her.

Don't get me wrong. It's great to share life with somebody, but I spent last year to really find happiness on my own. Through my friends, my passions, sports, and dancing, I found peace and true joy. A partner is somebody I want to share this joy with, see them happy by doing what they love, and so on. I don't really need anybody to complete me..

The problem is I can't even explain it to myself - why being afraid of being alone is such a red flag for me? Do you guys think it's a red flag as well? If so, why?

Edited April 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Member request typo in title

[glows]

Sure. I'd consider it a red flag but also wouldn't overthink it. She just lost her partner. I'm assuming he/she passed away. If you're forming some feelings for her I'd step back and let her heal. Be a friend but give her space to grieve and feel more like herself. 

One of the first thoughts I had after being separated was (several months down the line after the initial shock/pain), "Oh my ---. I will be alone and die alone. Or I'd die in my sleep and no one would find my body for weeks." I called to talk with friends, some single, some not. They all reassured me life goes on and I shouldn't think too far ahead. 

She's going through something else so best not to get too involved.

[Legatus]

Thanks @glows. That's exactly what I did before I even started thinking about it - I had stepped back. She got together with somebody else who has been around for many years. Didn't tell me this at all. I realised 30 seconds after seeing them but she still didn't tell me.

I try not to overthink it too much. In the end there's nothing wrong with wanting to be with somebody. But you're right... perhaps her reactions are hightened by the situation so I'll take it lightly..

[glows]

Then you'll likely find someone who is more secure like yourself. Birds of a feather.. 

 

[d0nnivain]

If she is your friend & she's scared, help her build her confidence.  You can do that as a friend without being her BF or her crutch.  Help her develop her self esteem & reestablish a social circle.   Once she has more than her EX going on in her life she won't be soooooo needy. 

[dramafreezone]

The thing is we are social creatures, and we have chemicals in our bodies that cause us to attach to others.  That's for a reason.  It's actually very normal and very human to have a desire to be with someone.

The whole "I don't need a man/woman" is a very recent idea, and contradicts how humans have behaved for most of our existence.

Now, I draw a distinction between being happy in your own company (which is healthy), and saying you don't need anyone.  I think the latter is going too far, and doesn't serve that person well with regards to being open to the right person.  No one needs anyone else, but typically when you say you don't need something, you develop a certain set of ideas and behaviors that don't put you in the very best position to receive the man/woman that you want.  The opposite of "I don't need anyone" is the person that can't ever be single.  Neither is healthy.

Somewhere in the middle is the right balance, lead a full life, but be open and willing to allow the right person into your life.

Edited April 9, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Legatus]

I have been doing that from the distance. The many calls we had where she talked to me about her fear, I told her that she has a great support group (friends, family, her own business), so she's never alone, perhaps just on her own.. 

but right now I guess she made her decision and I feel weird talking about it as it sounds like I'm jealous of the new guy, but in reality I just wish she gave herself a little bit more time..

@dramafreezone perhaps I should have been more specific. It's not that I don't need anybody, period. It's that I don't for the sole purpose of feeling complete. Exact opposite. Another person extends my horizon of views, subjects, and experiences, but I am still okay if there's nobody around like that..

[d0nnivain]

If she has a new guy, she filled what she thought was the void in her life.  She gets to make that choice.  If they are happy, just stay out of it.  

[glows]

All you can do is just focus on you and worry less about what others are doing. I'd hold back on saying anything about her current relationship as it's not your place. She's happy and that's what matters. You can be happy too. Just do your own thing.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Legatus said:

She told me we wouldn't work together because I would never stay in this country just for her, which is probably true, but, here comes the question

Why would she tell you this?

[Legatus]

40 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If she has a new guy, she filled what she thought was the void in her life.  She gets to make that choice.  If they are happy, just stay out of it.  

Yes, of course. That's exactly what I'm doing - the question is not about what to do, that much I figured (stay away, still support her but disconnect a bit), it's more about why somebody's fear of being alone was such a red flag for me - I don't think it was before but perhaps I didn't notice them so much..

 

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why would she tell you this?

Because she indicated that she would like to start something with me if there was ever a right set of circumstances. 

[glows]

There are also individuals who swing hard the other way and avoid being vulnerable so that's also not so great.

It's important for people to be comfortable with their own thoughts, not need the input of others' opinions so much for everything. Balance is key.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, her words can definitely be a red flag. If she was grieving, her words should be along the lines that she misses the ex, right? I mean, that she'll never be with the ex again. 

She focuses on "being alone"--yeah, a definite red flag. After losing someone, the focus needs to be on the loss, the loss of time with a very specific person. So yes, red flag. 

Trust that reaction. The body can be much smarter than the rational brain. 

[ShyViolet]

Yes, someone saying "I'm afraid to be alone" can be a bit of a red flag if it's said in the context of looking for a partner.  It screams of desperation, insecurity, and coming from an unhealthy place.  It's the wrong reason to be getting into a relationship.  A person needs to be secure in themselves and their own life before getting into a relationship.  

[Wiseman2]

On 4/9/2021 at 1:46 PM, Legatus said:

One of my friends I know for a long time lost her second half few months ago. 

He died? Just be a supportive friend. Don't date.

[Legatus]

He died but as she put it "the marriage was over long time ago", probably why she's in another relationship now. I never intended to date her but when she told me about that fear, it made me think I wouldn't like to date anybody with that kind of fear - hence my topic here.. I never really paid attention to something like that

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Legatus said:

He died but as she put it "the marriage was over long time ago", probably why she's in another relationship now. I never intended to date her but when she told me about that fear, it made me think I wouldn't like to date anybody with that kind of fear - hence my topic here.. I never really paid attention to something like that

Ok, so you aren't involved, she's dating someone so what's the problem?

[Legatus]

There isn't one. The question was to find out why and whether other people find this fear of being alone a red flag just like I thought about it, which I never did before. My friend was the trigger of this flag, yes, but in a more abstract sense, not that I wanted to date her

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Legatus said:

There isn't one. The question was to find out why and whether other people find this fear of being alone a red flag just like I thought about it, which I never did before. My friend was the trigger of this flag, yes, but in a more abstract sense, not that I wanted to date her

Obviously "fear of being alone" is not a good reason to date. However She's Grieving.  It's just a random comment.

If you can't sympathize or empathize with someone who lost a long time spouse and expresses how hard it is, just distance yourself

[Legatus]

I never said I couldn't. Of course I sympathise because she's my friend - not the point.. but I found it interesting that her comments made me think that, in the future, if somebody said that to me, I would think twice..

[basil67]

Most of us have plenty of things which would make us think twice.  Why has this one got you bothered?

[glows]

4 hours ago, Legatus said:

I never said I couldn't. Of course I sympathise because she's my friend - not the point.. but I found it interesting that her comments made me think that, in the future, if somebody said that to me, I would think twice..

It's something that turned you off and that's fine. I agree that comment would also turn me off. I'm a lot happier recharging on my own and hearing my own thoughts. In your instance I got the sense that she wasn't interested in you or pursuing a relationship with you so you're a little hurt by that but who wouldn't be? You like her. It's not the point of your thread.

I made a point earlier that swinging too hard in the other direction and not being vulnerable or open to others is the flip side of being afraid of being alone. That's the character that afraid of being with anyone or for whatever reason, something is holding them back from being around others. That was just a thought.

A healthy dose of either is probably just fine and keeps most people balanced, cautious and also open to new experiences or new relationships.  

 

 

[Legatus]

Thanks. You're totally right. Balance is always something I have in mind in situations like these. I'm neither afraid of being alone nor being with somebody, perhaps that's why I noticed it. I'm actually happy for her she found somebody. I did like her, she does like me too but she knows my path is different. I might think that her reasons (fear) are not right but in the end, it's not my life.

Anyway, that's the thing. Being open to new experiences but also being happy on your own when you are on such path - that's also something my therapist said when we were exploring my reactions and lack of boundaries. Because I learned a lot, I guess I also see things differently..

Thank you everybody for your input!

[soheartbroken]

I agree with many of the posters, that a fear of being alone could be a red flag, but she may have said it within the context of going through a break up. So it's more of a pink flag, than a red flag.

We (most folks) do have these fears of being alone, especially after suffering a loss.