mrmehow Posted April 10, 2021 Share Posted April 10, 2021 Hi all, I am currently in a relationship/dating? my best friend of the last eight years that is still with her BF and currently we've reached a point where we decided we need a break from this. Bit of background on the matter. She had been my best friend for several years and we've had our moments here and there over these years but never amounted to anything more due to me being with someone or her at those times. For the last year and a half we'd become closer and closer and i'd realised how in love with her i had become. I didn't discuss those feelings for a long time for fear of losing her as a friend. She had told me for a long time how she wanted to leave her BF and that there isn't anything there anymore. He's a drug/alcohol abuser, violent in nature because of PTSD unsure whether towards her but have been told he has struck her a few times while black out drunk. They live together and they are more like house mates. He sleeps in a separate room and they don't spend alot of time together because she is with me alot. There are many more worse reasons she's told me that i don't think would be fair to disclose. I'd never pushed her to leave him until we became lovers. We have spoken to both our parents about the situation we are in and her mum checks in on me from time to time. Rewind 6 months ago and we started to spend more time together frequently, not physical. We would go out for drinks and go to dinner alone. We are and have been apart of the same social circle for as long as i can remember. We started to lie to our friends we'd go out have our nights together. Eventually she admitted she felt a similar way to me. A few more months of spending weekends together and our days during the week together it becomes physical. At this point we become a lot open about our feelings to each other. We start talking about a future together, kids, plans to move overseas one day. Our dreams and wants out of life pair perfectly. Only problem was she was still with her BF and struggling to leave. I obviously become more and more pressing on the matter and she tells me that its not the right time with the stuff going. His grandad is ill and on his deathbed, her grandma has lost her memory and is no longer functioning. She feels empathic to him and knows she wouldn't want this to be dropped on her during such a time and i completely understand. Last week it was my birthday she had planned dinner, presents and a night together for us. I was upset she couldn't see me on the actual day and the emotion was overwhelming and intense. I asked for a break the day after when we could see each other and it had left her extremely hurt. I saw no other option really because we were not making any progress i started to feel like i had become her crutch whenever things were bad at home. I was doing okay about the break after a few days and my thought process was clear and that the space was to give us both distance from this and to figure out what we both wanted without the other person influencing that decision. Start of this week she messaged me not coping and i responded and then rang her. We talked she told me how she had been missing me and her life did not feel the same without me her lover and bestfriend in it. I obviously felt the same. She wanted the break to end. I pressed her to make sure she was ready and that she had the time she needed apart to figure things out on her end and she made it clear she didnt want the break. A few days later and now she's asked for space again to fix her mental health and figure out what she wants and how she can get there. This time round i am not coping. I was okay with the break initially but not i'm not coping with it nor thinking rationally. I guess I'm just looking for some advice on how to cope during this break and what i should essentially do once the no contact ends. Do leave if no changes or a decision has been made after the no contact ends? Or do i continue to live this fantasy life in my head with her and wait and hope she leaves her relationship soon? Any opinion or advice on this matter is greatly appreciated. Thanks this has been a great outlet as i have not spoken to any of my friends about this. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 10, 2021 Share Posted April 10, 2021 Don’t see her again until she completely breaks up with her boyfriend. you aren’t her priority - you are her backup plan. A safety net. the thing is - she complains about the other guy but she stays. She stays when she knows she could be with you. does she work full time? Can she support herself? What is her reason she stays with him? either way - don’t see her until it’s over with her boyfriend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sun Seeker Posted April 10, 2021 Share Posted April 10, 2021 You do not contact or see her again until she is single. All this 'its not the right time' is just excuses. Family on deathbed or not is not a reason to not get out of a bad relationship. Stop 'understanding' her ridiculous excuses. She is prioritising him over you, and that's a fact, regardless of what stories she tells you. Until she leaves him, stay out of her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrmehow Posted April 10, 2021 Author Share Posted April 10, 2021 Thank you for the replies. My thought process has led me to what has been said. I know i should not see her or contact her again. Maybe i'm just weak and naïve because she's been my bestfriend for so long. But i know it needs to be done. We are currently on a no contact break. Do i wait until this break is off to let her know? Or should i send her a simple message when possible? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrmehow Posted April 10, 2021 Author Share Posted April 10, 2021 1 hour ago, S2B said: does she work full time? Can she support herself? What is her reason she stays with him? either way - don’t see her until it’s over with her boyfriend. she does work full time, but it isn't enough to cover moving out on her own. Time to face the hard truth i guess. Hoping to speak to her after this no contact break and will let her know i cannot see her anymore while she is still with her BF. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 10, 2021 Share Posted April 10, 2021 (edited) Many people are in affairs in order to make their real relationship more bearable. No matter how bad it may sound to an on looker, they do not really want to leave. The reasons for staying can be complex. They are scared to leave, they do not want to upset the applecart, they are financially bound, they do not want to be homeless, they have done a cost benefit analysis and leaving is not an option, they are too in love with their original partner to consider leaving... etc. etc. BUT it is not an optimal situation, hence the need to cheat. Most people torn between two lovers, are stuck because they know deep down, neither is actually "good enough" on their own. Here she gets something from you and something from him, but the thing she gets from you is not enough to prise her away from him, so it is all excuse after excuse, after excuse... Women in abusive type situations can be difficult to assess. It seems like a no brainer to the uninitiated, for them to run to the "good guy", but whilst some will do that, and never look back, others may do that and run back and forth to the "bad guy", or she may never leave the "bad guy" as she loves him so very much, or she just cannot leave him... Edited April 10, 2021 by elaine567 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted April 10, 2021 Share Posted April 10, 2021 3 hours ago, S2B said: Don’t see her again until she completely breaks up with her boyfriend. you aren’t her priority - you are her backup plan. A safety net. the thing is - she complains about the other guy but she stays. She stays when she knows she could be with you. does she work full time? Can she support herself? What is her reason she stays with him? either way - don’t see her until it’s over with her boyfriend. I agree with this. She needs a clean break before you two can progress. There's too much going on in the background and it's unfair pressure on either of you. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 10, 2021 Share Posted April 10, 2021 Elaine hit the nail on the head. What do you do to cope? The same as any other “breakup” - find something to do, go for a run, have a beer with a friend, start a home improvement project... make yourself busy and try to keep your mind active with other things. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stupidkupid Posted April 10, 2021 Share Posted April 10, 2021 Firstly, I'm sorry you're having a rough time. It sounds to me like, and correct me if I've misunderstood anything, if she didnt want to be with you before (when you were friends for a long time) why does she suddenly want you now? There are lots of reasons people enter into affairs. I know. I've been in one. For me I met someone who I felt was more conpatible with me ans I felt I did it for love. Turns out it was way more complicated, mentally and emotionally, for me and through therapy learnt a lot about myself after the affair. In your situation I agree with the posts above... she had plenty of opportunity to be with you before. When you've both been free. But she didn't want anything then. This really sounds like her using you (perhaps not consciously) to make her primary, actual relationship more bearable. Shes not married. They don't have kids. I think you say hes violent... is this what shes told you? And have you previously encouraged her to get proper support for that? NOT you. It can be extremely difficult (and dangerous) for women to leave abusive partners. But I'm not condoning what she is doing. Its not your role to fix this for her and, if you want to be with her properly, its unfair for her to use you as her escapism Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 10, 2021 Share Posted April 10, 2021 No Contact needs to continue unless and until she becomes a single woman. If you're finding it hard to stay away from her on moral or emotional grounds....think about the incredible risk she is taking cheating on a violent man. Just what do you think he will do to her if he finds out? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 10, 2021 Share Posted April 10, 2021 (edited) Echoing what others have said, it sounds like IF she can safely extricate herself from the BF, then you can be together. Else you will continue to only be a crutch as you say for her bad situation. One irony is that in a way you are helping her perpetuate it because you make it more tolerable for her. She wants you in her life, but doesn't appear to be either willing or able to fully leave. She doesn't fully know her own mind. So you are stuck. It sounds like you may have developed some level of limerence for her, which is probably not helpful in terms of your emotional state/health. Edited April 10, 2021 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
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