Trying to fix the unfixable in a relationship that otherwise was pretty good aside from 'stepson' issues, all things considered.

April 11, 2021

23 minutes ago, curlygirl40 said:

Do you think you could move past it and not have contempt for her and still find the 'good' parts about her appealing with what you've been through?

It will take him longer because he's not being made to be accountable for his actions. So eventually he will get his act together and have a job and a girlfriend or a wife and a child of his own. How does that look? Are you guys just being cordial or have you mended your relationship?

No, I don't think I can move past the disrespect I was shown unless there was some sort of acknowledgement and apology and I've said as much to her but it hasn't happened and its probably never going to happen. She's got her heels firmly dug in on one side of the line and mine are on the other. Some have said "well you punched the kid if I was his mom i would NEVER forgive you for that". Here I am looking for an apology from him. Just shows you how many ways there are of looking at this and really all that matters is the opinions, feelings, beliefs and perspectives of the two parties and she and I are clearly divided on this one.

This past weekend I made an attempt to be friendly, I asked him questions about his car that he was working on instead of doing all the things his mom had asked of him. He was amicable in return, and at the time although it felt somewhat forced and unnatural I was able to handle it. It was a delayed response- after the weekend was over and I was back at home thinking it through on Monday night I felt a flood of emotions and I realized I don't want to play this stupid pretend game anymore and i want no part of the ongoing dysfunctionality. She felt it, she commented on it and that's why we got into it that last time on Tuesday when we last spoke. Despite her being very in touch with to my feelings she's unwilling or unable to do anything about it.

Someone suggested earlier that I need to compromise on my part and make adjustments as well. I supposed if she budged even an inch I'd be more likely to make some adjustments, but she hasn't, and honestly I think I've done more than enough with, as said by someone else, 2 displacements from where I lived as well as a lot of other adjustments I've made along the way.

This isn't going anywhere.

'

April 11, 2021

1 minute ago, Noproblem said:

Just don't go to her house and if she wants, she comes to your apartment.

Return to the your old style where you met only few days a week

That's a rapidly fading option. I'm really not feeling it. The issues are still there even if we're avoiding them.

It matters.

April 12, 2021

50 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

No, I don't think I can move past the disrespect I was shown unless there was some sort of acknowledgement and apology and I've said as much to her but it hasn't happened and its probably never going to happen. She's got her heels firmly dug in on one side of the line and mine are on the other. Some have said "well you punched the kid if I was his mom i would NEVER forgive you for that". Here I am looking for an apology from him. Just shows you how many ways there are of looking at this and really all that matters is the opinions, feelings, beliefs and perspectives of the two parties and she and I are clearly divided on this one.

This past weekend I made an attempt to be friendly, I asked him questions about his car that he was working on instead of doing all the things his mom had asked of him. He was amicable in return, and at the time although it felt somewhat forced and unnatural I was able to handle it. It was a delayed response- after the weekend was over and I was back at home thinking it through on Monday night I felt a flood of emotions and I realized I don't want to play this stupid pretend game anymore and i want no part of the ongoing dysfunctionality. She felt it, she commented on it and that's why we got into it that last time on Tuesday when we last spoke. Despite her being very in touch with to my feelings she's unwilling or unable to do anything about it.

Someone suggested earlier that I need to compromise on my part and make adjustments as well. I supposed if she budged even an inch I'd be more likely to make some adjustments, but she hasn't, and honestly I think I've done more than enough with, as said by someone else, 2 displacements from where I lived as well as a lot of other adjustments I've made along the way.

This isn't going anywhere.

'

There's this inherent imbalance I am seeing here with your girlfriend where, you're always seemingly on the back-foot with regards to having any say in how your environment is shaped with regards to her child.

She sees herself as the only one able to keep him in line, yet she's unwittingly unwilling to do so. Yet, you are willing to do so, but without her support you are unable.

Your girlfriend seems to have no care or understanding of the profound impact her son has had on your life. She has no care for the fact that you wouldn't be as emotionally invested in him, therefore not as impervious to putting up with his crap.

Your girlfriend takes for granted that her son comes with her as a package deal and therefore expects you to lump whatever comes with that, without taking any responsibility for his behavior.

I am sorry, but your girlfriend is either weak, selfish or, most probably, both. I know that I only have one side of the story, but I can only comment on what I have in front of me. And, in my opinion, you deserve better. Much better.

Edited April 12, 2021 by Trail Blazer

April 12, 2021

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

I know that I only have one side of the story, but I can only comment on what I have in front of me.

On most threads there's only one side posted and I too often wonder what the other person would have to say. My guess it would be a completely different story.

Which is why I have tried to be as accurate as possible.

If it's any help- here's what my girlfriend has to say about how I handled the situation with her son. She often compares it to her older sister, who is remarried to a guy who dealt with a similar situation with her 2 daughters when they were a similar age to her almost 18 year old son. He got angry with them for showing the same behaviors, apparently went so far as to push one of them down the stairs and rip a bedroom door off it's hinges. Despite the physical violence which I NEVER expressed, there's one big difference- apparently he always somehow demonstrated that he loved them. To this day they are rather close, step parenting limitations not withstanding. They are in their mid to late 20s now.

But me? Once her son turned into a prick i was done. Completely. I just started to really dislike the kid and never came back around, she is aware of it and and so is he and he's said as much to her about how I used to be a father to him and now he thinks I hate him.

I'm not a very tolerant sort of guy, I lose my temper and have some anger management issues, I know it, I work on it and both therapist and girlfriend have told me I've come a long way over these past years. When I was sitting on the couch listening to him curse me out downstairs a better response might have been to either just not take it personally as the rantings of a testosterone filled behaviorally challenged teenager. Or if I couldn't do that than go for a walk. As opposed to charging down the stairs and getting in his face and challenging him to hit me.

A better man than me might have had a better connection with her son even through these troubling times and even been able to do something about it.

For whatever that's worth.

Edited April 12, 2021 by trident_2020

April 12, 2021

It may not be her son but your relationship running its course.

April 12, 2021

2 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

But me? Once her son turned into a prick i was done. Completely. I just started to really dislike the kid and never came back around, she is aware of it and and so is he and he's said as much to her about how I used to be a father to him and now he thinks I hate him.

Teens will sometimes act out as a kind of test. Like, "ok you say you love me, but do you still love me when I'm failing out of school? What about when I give you a lot of lip? How about when I kick in the wall?"

(I'm not saying it's right, but teens do a lot of dumb stuff.)

His mom may believe that that's his motivation so that may be why she's putting up with this because if she can prove that she'll stand by him through everything, then he'll be assured of her love.

Quote

This past weekend I made an attempt to be friendly, I asked him questions about his car that he was working on instead of doing all the things his mom had asked of him. He was amicable in return, and at the time although it felt somewhat forced and unnatural I was able to handle it. It was a delayed response- after the weekend was over and I was back at home thinking it through on Monday night I felt a flood of emotions and I realized I don't want to play this stupid pretend game anymore and i want no part of the ongoing dysfunctionality.

Why do you think that that flood of emotions hit you? Is it because you felt that by being nice to him when he hadn't apologized to you, that you were being forced into a lower position than him? Like he got one over on you?

It seems like there's too much resentment here to save things. It might be best for everyone if you two did make the break up final. It's understandable and reasonable for you to expect an apology. The fact that she won't even make him apologize to you, is another example of her being too soft on him.

April 12, 2021

I think being a parent means a lot of holding one's tongue, biting one's lip and putting up with stuff for the "good of the kid".
It often means the parent has to put their own opinions and their ego aside for the good of the relationship with the kid.
Seems to me that usually is a lot easier to do if the kid is your own flesh and blood.
Parental love is often unconditional.

Teenage boys will often challenge their fathers, testing them and trying to fight them in order to settle the pecking order.
It does not always come to blows but it can do.

Most biological fathers (and mothers) will put up with almost anything as love takes over.
If the kid gains the upper hand then so be it, some may be indeed be secretly proud they have produced a son who takes no nonsense from anyone, but that is not so easy to tolerate when the kid is not yours.

Here you have an out, and you are by the sounds of things giving up.
You are not going to pander to him (or his mother), your ego and male pride will not let you.
I get it.

Edited April 12, 2021 by elaine567

April 12, 2021

6 hours ago, Yosemite said:

Why do you think that that flood of emotions hit you? Is it because you felt that by being nice to him when he hadn't apologized to you, that you were being forced into a lower position than him? Like he got one over on you?

Yes. That's another hangup of mine that I've discussed with my therapist. Being taken advantage of in some way. He uses the term humiliation quite often. Along with humility and how they're actually quite different even though they share the same root word which I still don't quite understand despite reading up on it and having it explained to me several times.

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You are not going to pander to him (or his mother), your ego and male pride will not let you.
I get it.

Exactly. I can't live with them, but I need to be able to live with myself.

April 12, 2021

7 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

He uses the term humiliation quite often. Along with humility and how they're actually quite different even though they share the same root word which I still don't quite understand despite reading up on it and having it explained to me several times.

Humility is something you choose for yourself. You choose to be humble, modest, without ego and grounded.
Humiliation is something forced upon you by another/others.
They choose to reduce you to a state of lowliness or submission or shame.

April 12, 2021

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Humility is something you choose for yourself. You choose to be humble, modest, without ego and grounded.
Humiliation is something forced upon you by another/others.

Thanks Elaine, that puts it in a clearer perspective for me.

April 12, 2021

You have to look after No#1 in your life first, yourself. If you are broken you are of no value to anyone else.

On 4/10/2021 at 10:22 PM, trident_2020 said:

I came out the other side, settled in, and life's been good for over 6 years.

Suffice to say that after I settled in with only the 2nd woman I've ever cohabitated with (other than my mother and sister lol) things were great- Except for her now almost 18 year old son.

"Life's been good/things were great" or just the best you have experienced before in a relationship? There can be a big difference between the two...

Men and women think differently, this makes us communicate differently. When R are strained this can lead to miscommunication...

18 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

She had asked me to speak to her dad, …… He really didn't have anything different to say- she told him she loves me deeply but cannot live with me and her son.

He said she isn't calling me because she told him she tried a few times and I didn't respond so she gave up. I guess since this is the second time I pulled back and went dark on her (the first was for a couple of weeks after I moved out) she figured it was pointless to keep trying. In fact she only called once last week and I was at work and didn't pick up, but I've made no attempt to contact her.

Your R is very strained, communication will not be clear. This is when you look at her actions or what she does, not what she says..... Talk is cheap, actions add value to communication. Over all what is she telling you by her actions?

17 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

For more reasons than just fear of being alone. She's had not one but two failed relationships, she's been cheated on a number of times in the past, and she's got fairly strict requirements when it comes to a partner- including but not limited to being wealthy as is she and that severely limits the pool right there. It might be more a matter of being afraid to finding someone else.

(I will try to tread lightly here...)

Female attraction is different to male attraction because our needs are different, we value different traits/things in attraction. As life changes our needs change and the attraction for a mate can change. What did you bring into the R that your GF valued that made you attractive to her? You fixed up the house, you gave her companionship, stability in her life being a single parent, resources (you matched her's by the sounds of it), a father figure to her son.... you can answer to yourself any others...

Now, what does she still need you for that was in the original list of attractions? The house is complete or complete enough? Her son is about to leave the nest, no more single parent, no father figure required, maybe stability no longer required... Resources, well you never really added much but you never cost much so that's a draw. Companionship + what ever else she still benefits from you.... Can she get this else where without the drama that you bring with her son???

Briffault's Law applies, to ignore this is like to bury your head in the sand hoping it all goes away.

If you were to get back together and want to cohabitate???

Previously you moved to her house. Her house, her rules. This did not work for you in the later years, don't repeat mistakes. Her son will never "Go away" from her, he will be always in her life and in yours if you are in her life. How do you limit contact with him and live with GF? Maybe she moves in with you, then it will be your place your rules. "Don't like it? Get out!!!" same as what you were subjected to.... It will always be two against one... you are the one. You will be the one with a back bone...

You have achieved more with her that a lot of other men would try. Single mums are hard work.

I wish you all the best....

April 12, 2021

13 hours ago, Caauug said:

"Life's been good/things were great" or just the best you have experienced before in a relationship?

Over all what is she telling you by her actions?

What did you bring into the R that your GF valued that made you attractive to her?

Maybe she moves in with you, then it will be your place your rules. "Don't like it? Get out!!!" same as what you were subjected to.... It will always be two against one... you are the one. You will be the one with a back bone...

[]

Lots to think about and respond to in the post by @Caauug

Well you really can't count this past year with COVID but prior to that.. we both enjoy the same sorts of outdoor activities, just looking through the pictures of all the places we've gone, all the things we've done in 9 years it's more than many do in a lifetime. Intimacy was always good, never any problem with sex or communicating what we both wanted. Long deep talks about feelings and all of that.. even these past few months regardless of the fact that we're on completely different pages but we do talk about it. We both support each other through difficult times, her with her ongoing anxiety and depression issues, several surgeries for her neck, back and foot, me with my anxiety and intermittent depression issues. We've been there for one another in many ways. We've found that our friends come and go but for most of the last decade we've got each other's back when it comes to dealing with the difficult things in life. Yes, it's been good, and better than what I've had before. Until recently of course.

What did I bring into the relationship that was attractive to her? A decent looking guy, in good shape, 6' 1" with a lot of money, no crazy mental problems, addictions.. honest to a fault, not the type to cheat which has always been a sore spot for her given the history. Yes a father figure to her son even though I made it clear from day one that was not what I was looking for. Common interests, perspectives, reasonably intelligent and someone she can talk to about her problems. Good connection, intimacy, I can fix anything in a house.. I don't know sounds like I'm creating a dating profile. Maybe I can use this when I get back out there again..lol.

We've discussed our retirement many times, even looked at houses with realtors in other states and talked about places we'd go, things we'd do.

We've talked about buying a house together, either where we are now for whatever remains of our careers in this area and/or a second home that could be for vacations and eventual retirement. If we owned it together then yes, I wouldn't be the one to leave if her son came around and all the problems resurfaced but I couldn't force her out either and it would be one of those "blended family loser adult children nightmares" that I've been reading so much about lately.

Edited April 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic

April 12, 2021

16 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

On most threads there's only one side posted and I too often wonder what the other person would have to say. My guess it would be a completely different story.

Which is why I have tried to be as accurate as possible.

If it's any help- here's what my girlfriend has to say about how I handled the situation with her son. She often compares it to her older sister, who is remarried to a guy who dealt with a similar situation with her 2 daughters when they were a similar age to her almost 18 year old son. He got angry with them for showing the same behaviors, apparently went so far as to push one of them down the stairs and rip a bedroom door off it's hinges. Despite the physical violence which I NEVER expressed, there's one big difference- apparently he always somehow demonstrated that he loved them. To this day they are rather close, step parenting limitations not withstanding. They are in their mid to late 20s now.

But me? Once her son turned into a prick i was done. Completely. I just started to really dislike the kid and never came back around, she is aware of it and and so is he and he's said as much to her about how I used to be a father to him and now he thinks I hate him.

I'm not a very tolerant sort of guy, I lose my temper and have some anger management issues, I know it, I work on it and both therapist and girlfriend have told me I've come a long way over these past years. When I was sitting on the couch listening to him curse me out downstairs a better response might have been to either just not take it personally as the rantings of a testosterone filled behaviorally challenged teenager. Or if I couldn't do that than go for a walk. As opposed to charging down the stairs and getting in his face and challenging him to hit me.

A better man than me might have had a better connection with her son even through these troubling times and even been able to do something about it.

For whatever that's worth.

Hey, it's all good, man. I wasn't doubting your version of events. In fact, I do think most people report as accurately the facts as they recall them, as they're invested in achieving a positive outcome as a result of posting here.

As a fellow male, one who's had stepkids in the past, I empathize with your situation. I know how hard it is to gloss over the things someone else's kid does and to be as forgiving. They're not your kid, you're just not as emotionally invested.

I do think that confronting your stepson in the manner that you did was, to use a phrase my Irish mom would say: "a hiding to nothing". You never stood to gain anything from it other than to vent your anger. Whatever the outcome of that confrontation, you only stood to lose.

We're all human and nobody is perfect. You can be forgiven for making a poor judgement call. I can only imagine how frustrated you were at the time. I guess the important thing is to decide whether you can realistically handle being put into those situations indefinitely and be able to act more appropriately next time.

I feel as though we all need to be honest with ourselves and our own foibles and limitations. You can't be expected to just lump dealing with a situation beyond the pale and receive no support or understanding from your partner. Your partner expects that from you, but that just makes her unreasonable.

If the roles were reversed, how would she cope? How would you deal with one of your daughters making your girlfriend's life hell? If you sat by idly and made constant excuses whilst enabling her poor behavior whilst ignoring your partner's cries for help, I doubt she'd just put up with it indefinitely, either.

As another poster said previously, you cannot pick the good bits out of a person and ignore all the bad. Sure, sometimes you have to let some things slide, but ultimately, when issues remain unaddressed and it's contributing to misery and dysfunction, you need to know when the right time to pull the plug on it all is.

I think that time has arrived.

April 12, 2021

6 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

A decent looking guy, in good shape, 6' 1" with a lot of money, no crazy mental problems, addictions.. honest to a fault, not the type to cheat which has always been a sore spot for her given the history.

Oh yeah, there's this.

Consciously she probably knows you're not the type to cheat. However, her experience with men in LTRs says otherwise with the 2x infidelities. Experience can count for a lot in what we think (particularly unconsciously)/how we behave, despite what our rational brain may "know" to be different. Some base most of their rational views on their experience (a bit of a mistake IMO due to the sample size issue).

At any rate, part of this pulling back may be her sort of preparing for the worst. Despite knowing your views/approach to relationships, she may half expect something like this to happen anyway, now that the relationship appears to be floundering. This would not at all be a reflection on you - it's just her "voice of experience" taking over a bit during troubled times.

Make of that what you may.

April 13, 2021

16 hours ago, mark clemson said:

At any rate, part of this pulling back may be her sort of preparing for the worst.

No doubt. Given that I broke up with her a month ago, reconciled, and then went dark enough.

Then there's this:

After strict no contact for 8 days she calls me late last night. She says "we need to talk can you come over". I cautiously said.. why what's this about.. she said "just come over it will be worth it".

I drive over (she's 10 minutes away), she's all done up in makeup, eyeliner just the way I like it, low cut shirt with her boobs squeezed together and lifted up showing at least 3.5" of cleavage, and these leggings that really accentuate her long thin legs. Despite having put weight on lately, her boobs, ass and legs could be confused with those of a model 2 decades her junior.

Anyway she says that she's really given everything a lot of thought, and the lightbulb suddenly came on, and she realizes she's been thinking and acting erratically and in a very dysfunctional way. She tells me that she laid down the law with her son, she said there's no more of this "do what you want, when you want, there's going to be rules, and you're going to follow them or there will be severe consequences". She told her son that Steve (that's me, my real name I don't give a damn about anonymity) will be coming and going as he pleases, hopefully he'll move back in, and when you see him you're going to apologize for hitting him, and you will treat him with courtesy, and respect regardless of how you feel about him. You're going to do regular chores without being reminded, get a job, and you're going to maintain good grades in school and college, or things are going to go happen that you will not like- including being grounded, loss of phone, computers, extra money to fix his car, etc.

She then told me she wants me to move back in, because our relationship is extremely important to her and she realizes how traumatic it was for me to be displaced yet again from a place that I had learned to call "home".

She then said, I have another surprise for you. She takes me upstairs to the bedroom- and sitting on the bed also dressed in a really hot skin tight outfight barely concealing another amazing rack with her nipples almost piercing the silky material was her hot friend who I will call Melissa because that's her real name too and again I don't give a rat's ass about anonymity.

My girlfriend sits onto the bed next to her friend and puts her arm around her. Melissa gives me this wicked smile, licks her lips, slides off the bed and onto her knees, reaches up towards my pants, looks up at me, smiles, opens her mouth, and let's out this god-awful sound that was worse than a blender with a bunch of loose motor bearings and several bent impeller blades.

I'm like "WTF is that sound?!" and I realize it's my 13 year old hound dog snoring next to my bed.

I really need to get laid it's been over a week...

April 13, 2021

23 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

Well you really can't count this past year with COVID but prior to that..

I don't count..... But Your GF does, she's the one that matters, and it likely counts with her....

Trying to fix the unfixable in a relationship that otherwise was pretty good aside from 'stepson' issues, all things considered.

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