Trying to fix the unfixable in a relationship that otherwise was pretty good aside from 'stepson' issues, all things considered.

[trident_2020]

3 minutes ago, jspice said:

 Are the good things so good that you can continue to live with this level of disrespect? 

I've been asking myself this question for almost 2 months. Post like yours help drive it home.

Thanks

 

 

Edited April 11, 2021 by trident_2020

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Yes it pretty much comes down to those 3 options. But if I chose number 1, then do I start dating again..and make a more permanent change to my living situation.? Or just wait things out a bit and let my head settle a bit. Meanwhile 2 months have gone by since I moved out, and life is short, ya know?

That’s your decision to make. Yes, life is short but decisions made impulsively during a period of transition tend not always to be the wisest decisions... you know what I mean. 

I agree with Shyviolet in that this has been a fairly long standing problem, it’s not likely to be resolved quickly. There is always the possibility that he will have some kind of “epiphany” when the pressure is off, now that you have moved out. OR, they could settle into a rather dysfunctional new normal where the child continues to be enabled and this continues for years... I think that’s the more likely situation. 

As for your decision, I would ask - what do you want? If you want to live your own life and have a woman who you love and with whom you are compatible to share some of your time and date again - this could work well for you. That’s not a waste of time in my humble opinion, if that’s what you want. And, there are many couples who do live like this, especially as they move through life. It is possible to have your own home, keep some space and still have a fulfilling relationship that meets your needs - as long as neither of you “needs” to live together and share your life 24/7. You just have to do this with the knowledge that her son will ALWAYS come first and there will be things you can not do because of the strained relationship you share with her son.  IF you decide you want a woman who can be a life partner, I would begin to look elsewhere... with the thought that IF things ever change for her, she could call you and you may consider IF you were not in another relationship. 

Edited April 11, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

I will share, I am in a relationship with a man who has a teenage son. I am well aware that IF there was ever a problem between myself and his son, it would likely mean the end of the relationship. I expect that he will chose his son. And I would not want to stay in a relationship that has that much conflict. 

That may change as his son grows into adulthood. But for now, I just feel like there are some circumstances where “love” just isn’t enough... The realities of “life” make some things too difficult, if not impossible, to overcome...

Edited April 11, 2021 by BaileyB

[trident_2020]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If you want to live your own life and have a woman who you love and with whom you are compatible to share some of your time and date again - this could work well for you.

This can work if I can get over my anger and resentment at being disrespected and basically shoved aside, and willing to accept this part time relationship for the inevitable future. I was in this position 6 years ago and was just fine with it, although after living together and intertwining our lives for 6 years it's hard to go back to it, and now my living situation isn't as nice as it was which means yet another move.

I need to find a way not to take it personally, and understand she acts the way she does out of guilt and fear and it really has nothing to do with me. Logically I get it, emotionally I feel like slamming the door and not looking back.

[trident_2020]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I will share, I am in a relationship with a man who has a teenage son. I am well aware that IF there was ever a problem between myself and his son, it would likely mean the end of the relationship. I expect that he will chose his son. And I would not want to stay in a relationship that has that much conflict.

I feel for you. Sounds like you're a few months or years behind me..perhaps you'll be able to detach and watch from a safe distance and keep your mouth shut when and if the bad behavior and enabling and denial occurs, I know I can't.

 

 

[introverted1]

The son is going to be part of her life forever. Yes, he will go off to college and, at some point, he will presumably get his own place.  But he'll forever be her son and if there are any future problem events -- flunking out of college, loss of a job, divorce, whatever -- he'll be back home.  Her parenting style isn't going to change and while his behaviors may, the underlying disrespect is likely to remain.

None of this is to say that she should prioritise you over her son. That is not realistic.  But prioritisation has nothing to do with basic respect and being part of a family.  Her decision to allow her son to behave poorly, hit you without repercussion (although I believe you should not have reciprocated), use/abuse/misplace/destroy your tools has nothing to do with prioritising him and everything to do with her inability to set appropriate boundaries with her child.  And, being realistic, that ship has sailed.  These boundaries are set in early childhood, not at age 18.

I'd also add that prioritising one's children does not mean ignoring the needs of one's partner.  I say this as a woman who remarried when her children were young. There is room for both children and a partner in a healthy household; there should not be daily or ongoing conflict about which will take precedence. The adult relationship also need nurturing and care.   Especially once children are old enough to drive and otherwise be more or less independent members of the household, the concept of prioritisation is generally rarely called into action.

If you think you can stay in the r/s with the current dynamic, then do so.  I'd say it is very unlikely to change.

[glows]

I'd back this up, way up, to the fact that you were not sure selling your condo was a good idea, not wanting to be family or too involved with behaving like a family with her son and deciding not to marry again. I would also review the idea that she's the best woman you've ever met because you're in the throes of it and hurt/resentful of a number of things that have happened over the past years. I'd argue she isn't the best woman you've ever met because both of you disagree on the way you commit, she asked you to leave and you have not only lost your home once. You've now been displaced twice.

It sounds more like being with you was like pulling teeth for her and there's a good chance she's not as emotionally invested (but is afraid of being alone as a lot of people are).

I think the issues with the son come from a mixture of upbringing and sensing that you may have reservations about being part of the family. He's seen his parents break up so why should he trust you? Him using your tools and displacing them or not returning them, leaving them in his room disrespectfully under garbage just mirrors how he sees himself in his dysfunctional family. He doesn't take responsibility for things possibily because no one's ever taken responsibility for him, I mean really. As in a father protecting and looking out for his child. Does his dad ever do that? His mother provides the roof over his head but does she actually care about the best interests of her son, his future, that he learns the right things or stays out of trouble? You care about your tools and about your girlfriend. Do you care about her son the way you would care about your daughters or own flesh and blood? My heart goes out to both of you - you and the son. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, trident_2020 said:

I think that's a longshot but hey she tends to blame me for a lot of his attitude because of the tension that exists between him and I 

Ridiculous. She blames you, his father, etc. Everyone but her own neuroses in this. You're not responsible for his genetics and whatever their upbringing and divorce mess did to him.

[trident_2020]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ridiculous. She blames you, his father, etc. Everyone but her own neuroses in this. You're not responsible for his genetics and whatever their upbringing and divorce mess did to him.

I know, however she does blame herself to some degree. When her son was a toddler their marriage starting falling apart and she went through a really bad time and was out of the house for many nights doing all sorts of wild crazy things and not parenting him and that is (supposedly) the root of the guilt that is driving her to treat him the way she does to this day.

 

[trident_2020]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

Do you care about her son the way you would care about your daughters or own flesh and blood?

Not in the slightest.

 

[BaileyB]

40 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

I feel for you. Sounds like you're a few months or years behind me..perhaps you'll be able to detach and watch from a safe distance and keep your mouth shut when and if the bad behavior and enabling and denial occurs, I know I can't.

Well, I hope not. He’s almost 17 and he’s a pretty kind and respectful teenager. We don’t have a close relationship but we get along well. We haven’t had any problems. Like you, I chose my battles wisely... But, when I voice an opinion or make a suggestion, my partner will usually follow through... (It’s often something he knows he should do, but there is a little enabling happening for lots of different reasons).  We’ve done ok so far. 

 

Edited April 11, 2021 by BaileyB

[trident_2020]

20 minutes ago, glows said:

 there's a good chance she's not as emotionally invested (but is afraid of being alone as a lot of people are).

I haven't considered this but it fits. For more reasons than just fear of being alone. She's had not one but two failed relationships, she's been cheated on a number of times in the past, and she's got fairly strict requirements when it comes to a partner- including but not limited to being wealthy as is she and that severely limits the pool right there. It might be more a matter of being afraid to finding someone else.

 

[trident_2020]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Well, I hope not. He’s 17 and he’s a pretty kind and respectful teenager.

Good, sounds like you don't have much if anything to worry about. By the time her son was 17 it was already very bad. I'd think if there were going to be problems they would have surfaced by now.

[trident_2020]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ridiculous. She blames you, his father, etc. Everyone but her own neuroses in this. You're not responsible for his genetics and whatever their upbringing and divorce mess did to him.

In recent weeks she's backed it down a bit, from saying his behavior is so much better (after I pointed out this past weekend that he hadn't changed a bit) to "well he's a lot less anxious since you moved out".

That's probably true.

 

[glows]

Would you put yourself through that again? (moving in with her if it came up)

Edited April 11, 2021 by glows

[trident_2020]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

Would you put yourself through that again? (moving in with her if it came up)

The conversation HAS come up in the past few weeks. Something along these lines:

Me "After spending this last weekend at your house, I feel like I've been completely displaced, shoved aside. All my stuff is gone (except for some large furniture items), he's taken over my shop (and turned it into a mess), and I'm sitting here in my small apartment just sort of waiting things out while you continue to pamper and enable him and call it parenting and think he's doing so much better now that I'm gone, but he isn't because I see the same behaviors as before".

Her "Well he's a lot less anxious and it's better for everyone. We both know that you could buy yourself a really nice place for cash if you wanted to, but as far as feeling displaced, stay here on weekends,  and whenever he's with his dad, keep extra clothes and personal items here. Hold on until June when he stays out by his father for his summer job and after that he's off to school". Me "ok well I'm not going to buy a permanent residence until and unless we decide we're done, and as far as keeping some of my stuff at your place, and being there when he's not, I really don't want to feel like I'm tiptoeing around him and having to follow whatever arbitrary schedule he decides to set. Let's say I move back in in June, and ultimately he moves back home because he .. 'fails to thrive' in college. Then what?"

Her "I don't see any reason that he won't do well in school and I don't want to look at this in a negative way".

Me "Well we have to consider it as a possibility. What happens if I move back in and he ends up home and isn't going to college and doesn't have a job, we'll be right back to square one".

Her "He'll be older then, it will be different".

That's not very reassuring.

 

Edited April 11, 2021 by trident_2020

[Trail Blazer]

Wow man, I don't know how you put up with that for so long.

At 58, your concern shouldn't be with staying with her because you don't want to get back on the dating market again.  Your concern should be about wanting to spend the remaining few years of high-quality life being happy and existing in peace.

That kid of hers sounds like an absolute nightmare!  I've been down the path of stepkids before with my ex-wife, but thankfully they were nothing like your stepson.  We had our own issues which ended the relationship, but I am pretty damn sure that if I had to battle those issues I'd have been out the door a long time prior.

Only you know what it right to do.  Just think about it long and hard before you decide what to do.  However, you probably need to ask yourselr if it's at all possible for you to exist peacefully, should he move back in full-time.  If your answer is a resounding no, then you have your answer as far as I'm concerned.

What do you think the likelihood will be that this kid will turn up on mom's doorstep once he realizes the harsh reality that is life and responsibilities of the outside world?  I'd say they'd be pretty high.  You can't move in if you can't accept that reality.

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

Her "He'll be older then, it will be different".

Unlikely. 

[trident_2020]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Unlikely. 

Of course. But even her answer of things being different was far short from what I really needed to hear and it says a lot about where her head is at.

She's simply incapable of going there. As others have suggested, not only on this forum but from those we both know including her father, she's going to put her son at the center of her universe for many years to come if not forever, and her enabling behavior is making it extremely likely that he's going to fail to thrive on his own and we'll be right back here again only with a few more years wasted.

 

 

[trident_2020]

4 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

 you probably need to ask yourselr if it's at all possible for you to exist peacefully, should he move back in full-time.  If your answer is a resounding no, then you have your answer as far as I'm concerned..

There are so many nightmare stories.. just Google on "wife enables stepson" and you'll get dozens if not hundreds of search results on broken marriages, relationships and high conflict situations involving violence and police.

I'm not going to lock up my tools in a storage chest and watch this kid terrorize his mother for the next decade or longer. This sort of thing happens. All the time.

But there's always the possibility that he'll turn it around and I'll be second guessing myself until and unless I find myself in a more favorable situation with someone else.

The devil you know...

 

[glows]

Realistically she doesn't know either. He could drop out or need to fall back on his parents. If it's not something you're comfortable with it also means you don't accept all of them, the entire family and that's something to consider. 

You're dating her so whether you like it or not, it's a total package. Not the most pleasant given the relationship with her son currently but that's the reality. 

 

[Trail Blazer]

4 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

Of course. But even her answer of things being different was far short from what I really needed to hear and it says a lot about where her head is at.

She's simply incapable of going there. As others have suggested, not only on this forum but from those we both know including her father, she's going to put her son at the center of her universe for many years to come if not forever, and her enabling behavior is making it extremely likely that he's going to fail to thrive on his own and we'll be right back here again only with a few more years wasted.

 

 

Life is too short to put up with that $h!t.  Just personally, my resentment towards this woman would be through the roof, which would make my relationship with her untenable.

At 58, I understand that you're feeling hesitant to throw your hat back in the dating ring, but honestly, that prospect sounds so much more appealing than the alternative.

Based on what you've told us about this woman, she only loves you on her terms, when it suits her situation, and god forbid anything to do with you gets in the way of her unyielding love for her blue-eyed boy.

At the end of the day it's your choice as to whether it's worth putting up with that stress.  I think it's pretty clear, though, that this woman will not change and her trainwreck son won't, either, for quite some time, if ever...

Edited April 11, 2021 by Trail Blazer

[trident_2020]

10 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

she only loves you on her terms, when it suits her situation, and god forbid anything to do with you gets in the way of her unyielding love for her blue-eyed boy.

At the end of the day it's your choice as to whether it's worth putting up with that stress.  I think it's pretty clear, though, that this woman will not change and her trainwreck son won't, either, for quite some time, if ever...

Yup. And as suggested by someone else how much of her "love" for me is really fear of being alone, just like my staying in this relationship is fear- although I hate to call it that- let's call it reluctance- of starting all over again.

 

[curlygirl40]

Trying to articulate my thoughts on this one....

You could remove the son (for hypothetical here, let's just say he's out of the picture entirely) and you'll still have an issue.

The issue is that there will always be that underlying feeling of disrespect.   He could go away and that won't go away.    It's not like an argument or discussion that you can resolve.  This is like a problem where your needs and wants weren't considered by both of the people you lived with.   Her and him.  Doesn't matter how it started or when it started or why.   

That would be hard for me to get over.  It's relationship changing.   

Do you think you could move past it and not have contempt for her and still find the 'good' parts about her appealing with what you've been through?   

You can't cherry pick the things you like about people.   You can't take the good and leave the bad.  People are a package deal.   Chances are some of the things you love about her are also the qualities that make her a pushover as a parent.      

I feel like if you believe the relationship with her was so good (at one point) and you don't want to lose it, then you need to fix the relationship with the son.  Not that it's your job to fix him, but in order to have a relationship with his mother, you two should be getting along.    Think of the future.   Chances are he will eventually get his act together.  Boys mature late, it often takes them a while to grow up.   It will take him longer because he's not being made to be accountable for his actions.    So eventually he will get his act together and have a job and a girlfriend or a wife and a child of his own.   How does that look?  Are you guys just being cordial or have you mended your relationship?     I don't know now I'm just babbling but I can't see how you can have an honest, feel good relationship with her if your relationship with her son is always going to be strained.   

[Noproblem]

He has mental illness and a kid!

Just don't go to her house and if she wants, she comes to your apartment.

Return to the your old style where you met only few days a week!

Don't go to her house at all. 

You and the son could kill each others one day, it is not worth it!

Also I was a difficult kid when I was younger, a teenager, people consider me angel, but  I was a crazy teenager at home. 

I would yell all the time, refuse to do chores, and stuff, and get beaten up and still refuse to do chores. Not that my mom was easy on me, she was so hard, but I was also a rebellious kid!

so I don't know. I have changed a lot. I suspect I have adhd too, but I was never properly diagnosed, since I was brought up in a 3rd world country. 

 

Edited April 11, 2021 by Noproblem