3 year relationship ended, gone back to an ex

[HAJ]

Me and my boyfriend were together for three years. We were planning future events and saving to buy a house. 

I started noticing cracks and become paranoid. He used being severely depressed and wanting to be single due to relationship jumping all his life. We split up and he broke my heart. He was my first love.

It then later come out that for roughly the last year of our relationship he was messaging an ex partner from 10 years ago and he has had feelings for him since they broke up, he states they have always fallen back into each others lives from time to time and his feelings are back for him.

He lied about being depressed and is now off in a relationship with this ex partner.

It is such a kick in the stomach. I still love him and would love him to come back. 

It is a real struggle. 

[d0nnivain]

It is a struggle.  That doesn't mean you won't overcome it.  It just sucks now.  

He was your 1st love.  That's tough.  But he won't be your last / forever love.  

Hang in there.  

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Although it hurts now, you dodged a bullet. 

You're free now and can build a happy future with someone who is not a cheater and liar living a double life.

[Beachead]

@HAJ

I'm sorry that this happened to you.  I don't think you really want him back and I'll tell you why I think that is.

I know why you would want him back after this because I've been through my fair share of breakups but if you think about this logically, it makes no sense to want a person back, who lied to you and lied to you about something very big.  If you two ever got back together, you would have a difficult time trusting him again.  That mistrust will wear away the relationship and it won't be what you want it to be.  What's goin on here is actually you just missing who you thought he was. Because things are very fresh, you're not seeing him for who he entirely is, yet.  He was also a guy who wanted his ex back and THAT is just as much him as all the other parts you miss about him and the relationship.  Don't ignore it or avoid it, just because it is inconvenient.  You would only be doing a disservice to yourself through self-deceit. 

Your first order of business on your journey to recovery, is to see things for the way they are.  Not how you wished they were.  This isn't acceptance.  Acceptance comes later.  This is just keeping you focused on what you need to focus on.   You do this, so that you can progress forward in the right direction..for yourself.

Fear can make us run back to a relationship that isn't for us, not because we want the relationship back, but because we're afraid we won't be able to find happiness after it.  Don't be afraid, thinking this person is the end-all, be-all, for you.  Don't let the comfortable/familiarity of him and anxiety of not knowing what will happen in the future, allow you to run back to what is bad for you. This happened for a very good reason, and although you are in pain and feeling this empty void right now, if you ride it out, share your pain, and grieve in healthy ways, you will come to discover, you can find your smile again.  Not just that, but rebuild your life in to something great.  If you want tips on how to get back to that point, I'm sure many of us will be willing to help.

Stay strong.

- Beach

Edited April 11, 2021 by Beachead

[HAJ]

3 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@HAJ

I'm sorry that this happened to you.  I don't think you really want him back and I'll tell you why I think that is.

Logically, it makes no sense to want a person back, who lied to you and lied to you about something very big because if you two ever got back together, you would have a difficult time trusting him again.  That mistrust will eat at you and the relationship won't be what you want it to be.  You just miss who you thought he was because right now things are fresh and you're not seeing him for who he entirely is.  He was also a guy who wanted his ex back and THAT is just as much him as all the other parts you miss.  Don't ignore it or avoid it, just because it is inconvenient.  You would only be doing a disservice to yourself through self-deceit.  See it for what it is, so that you can begin moving forward..for yourself.  This is not an easy thing to do. It will take time and patience, but it will happen.

Fear can make us run back to a relationship that isn't for us, not because we want the relationship back, but because we're afraid we won't be able to find happiness after it.  Don't be afraid, thinking this person is the end-all, be-all, for you.  Don't let the comfortable/familiarity of him and anxiety of not knowing what will happen in the future, allow you to run back to what is bad for you. This happened for a very good reason, and although you are in pain and feeling this empty void right now, if you ride it out, share your pain, and grieve in healthy ways, you will come to discover, you can find your smile again.  Not just that, but rebuild your life in to something great.  If you want tips on how to get back to that point, I'm sure many of us will be willing to help.

Stay strong.

- Beach

Thank you so much for that.

I would appreciate some tips on how to move forward. I have made plans for my future such as booking things and going out to find a social life.  I have also went no contact as I was ripping off the scabs each and every time. 

I just feel empty and the pain of him moving straight on is not helping me either.. 

I am trying to stop over thinking and utilising distraction (Grace and Frankie has been a really good help)

My head knows I should not go back but my heart hasn't yet caught up 

[Beachead]

@HAJ

Workout, eat right.  Sleep as best as you can.  Taking long walks regularly will do wonders to help you reflect and organize the mess in your head as well.  Nursing emotional wounds are taxing and tiring and you need your energy to handle it so these things are important.  Don't neglect yourself.

When you're not doing that, write. 

It can be a notebook, a computer, your phone.  It doesn't matter.  And there's many strategies you can use but the 3 strategies I'd suggest in the beginning are:   

1. Let it all out as it comes.  Vent.  No filter.  No corrections.  Just raw and freeflowing.

2. After your done doing (1) and it's all out, write out why you two broke up (His lie and maybe other things) and get familiar with the negatives in the relationship.  Things that bothered you. You will find your mind having a tendency to omit the  bad things in a relationship and remember only the good, and it will make you miss him and want to get back together with him.   So this is one of those times, you'll want to get negative.  It's a means to keep you grounded, keep your views on your relationship balanced instead of skewed in one direciton, and to help yourself from getting weak and contacting him.  You may have to do this a few times a day in the beginning because of how much you'll miss him.

3.  Write out 2 things that you have in your life right now that you look forward to and/or are grateful for.  It can be something small.  Initially, back when I utilized this, it was 2 things actually..a cup of coffee, warm shower. It sounds stupid, but I really did enjoy both and it kept me going, when getting through just 15 minutes in the day was agonizing.   Eventually, I actually wrote the two things out on a piece of paper and stuck it on my wall, so that everyday I woke up, I saw it, even if I felt like crap.  It became a habit for me to always remember the things I look forward to and am grateful for, to this day.   

This isn't going to miraculously cure you, but it is going to guide your thoughts, through this painful process, keeping you from relapsing.  And it will be a process.  A process of pain that'll require your patience and understanding.  Months up to a year.   But at some point, you will experience your first genuine smile or happy feeling.  When that happens, it will be assurance that you will be okay.

- Beach

[glows]

Reducing or removing any contact usually helps significantly but the real fruits of that labour won't be seen for a few weeks after you've stopped having all contact. It takes awhile for stress to leave the body. You're onto better days now so let this go. Give yourself a few months to feel more like yourself. It's not going to happen overnight. 

Grace and Frankie was great in the first season! And then I stopped watching, got sidetracked with other things and shows. 

Keep feeling what you need to feel and give yourself time. 

[d0nnivain]

My tips for moving forward: 

1.  Grieve the loss.  It's OK to cry but not to wallow.  You still have to go to work / school. 

2.  Purge.  Get rid of all the mementos & pictures.  If you can't throw them out, box them up.  Tape the box closed like you have OCD.  Stuff it in the attic or deepest closet. 

3.  Change.  Rearrange your living space.  Get new sheets.  Hang some new art.  Get a hair cut.  Just make your living space new somehow so everything doesn't remind you of him. 

4.  Move.  Get exercise.  Especially when you don't want to.  Go for a walk  Get some sun on your face.  Exercise releases good endorphins. 

5.  Stay busy.  Throw yourself into school or work.  Get a PT job.  Take up a new hobby or get more involved in an old one.  

6.  Soothe.  Surround yourself with supportive friends & family.  Take care of yourself. Eat right.  Do nice things for yourself.