Confusedlonely Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 (edited) I was dating my ex boyfriend for about 5-6 years. The last year of the relationship, I felt like I had outgrown him. We met when we were 21, we made each other laugh everyday, and stuck by each other through and through. He was my biggest emotional support, and I loved him, but over the last year of our relationship I felt like I outgrew him. We don't have a lot of common interests, while I'm into books, music, philosophy etc, his interests are only limited to video games and music that I introduce him to. I felt like he wasn't challenging me intellectually. While we were both introverts, I was always planning trips, making plans etc. I felt like he stopped putting in effort. I communicated these to him but didn't see a change so we broke up. (after taking a long break). After about 3-4 months, I met a guy on a dating app. He was perfect, same interests, similar long term outlooks, we had a lot of intellectually stimulating conversations, laughed a lot. We have been together 5 months now, and while things are good and we are a really good match, I really, really miss my ex. I miss our inside jokes, and I still care so deeply about him. I care about my current boyfriend too, but I'm not in love with him like I was with my ex. I feel like running back to my ex and just being with him again, achieve that same level of comfort. (new guy and I are still in the honeymoon phase, and while he's amazing and I can see him be a long term partner, I feel like I'm being held back by unfinished business with my ex.) I'm not sure what to do. Should I break things off with my current boyfriend who is perfect for me, and everything I was missing in my previous relationship? Should i rekindle things with my ex again? After a few months of separation from my ex, I'm unsure if I'll ever fall in love with anyone the same way, and stop caring about him. Edited April 12, 2021 by Confusedlonely Grammar 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 It sounds like you probably needed some more time on your own to process the break-up before dating again. Even when we are the ones who call it off, we sometimes still need a period on our own to navigate singlehood and reconnect with ourselves, outside the former relationship. We can miss a person who is not right for us. It happens. It doesn't mean your ex was a good fit for you, but just that you're missing his companionship. Clearly the relationship wasn't working anymore, and I think you'd find the same discontent and lack of fulfillment if you tried to get him back. You miss the familiarity, which isn't the same thing as missing the relationship. I would reflect on how you felt in the last year or so with your ex. Do you really want to go back to that? I would also take some time to reflect on your current relationship. You say this guy is perfect for you, but perhaps this simply isn't the right time for you to be in another relationship yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 (edited) You are on the rebound and have not healed yet from the breakup. It takes time. Eventually you'll forget the past and meet a new man - when you are ready. Edited April 12, 2021 by Fletch Lives 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 (edited) Does your ex want you back? Not sure if either of these two want to be caught in your dilemma. Unfortunately, you seem torn between your ex who was like comfy old slippers, but jettisoned and the new shiny guy who's uncomfortable like trendy new shoes. Take some time to reflect on your own indecision. Otherwise you'll just be unhappy with either of them. Edited April 12, 2021 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 The new guy is a rebound. You jumped into dating him much too soon. So either double down & commit to him or let him go. Do not go back to your EX. What you are feeling is nostalgia not love. You already know that wasn't working. The passage of time did not magically fix what was wrong. You don't even know that he wants you back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 Are you still communicating with your ex? Link to post Share on other sites
tart6245 Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 3-4 months really is not a lot of time to move on from a long term relationship like that. Right now, you're in a rebound and the bad thing about those are it makes you miss your ex more than you originally did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusedlonely Posted April 12, 2021 Author Share Posted April 12, 2021 5 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: You are on the rebound and have not healed yet from the breakup. It takes time. Eventually you'll forget the past and meet a new man - when you are ready. So you suggest I take time off from both of them? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 47 minutes ago, Confusedlonely said: So you suggest I take time off from both of them? Flip things. If you were dating a new guy fresh out of a break up after a LTR & he was pining for his EX, would you want to stay with him? Don't do this to the new guy. Either find & flip the switch in your head that you are done with the EX & move forward with the new guy or break up with the new guy as being a rebound only & take some real time for yourself to process who you are now & to fully emotionally disconnect from your EX. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusedlonely Posted April 12, 2021 Author Share Posted April 12, 2021 1 hour ago, glows said: Are you still communicating with your ex? No, we stopped communicating complete 2-3 months ago after things got serious with my current bf Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusedlonely Posted April 12, 2021 Author Share Posted April 12, 2021 21 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Flip things. If you were dating a new guy fresh out of a break up after a LTR & he was pining for his EX, would you want to stay with him? Don't do this to the new guy. Either find & flip the switch in your head that you are done with the EX & move forward with the new guy or break up with the new guy as being a rebound only & take some real time for yourself to process who you are now & to fully emotionally disconnect from your EX. I know, I feel like I've done something horrible to the new guy and he will end up getting hurt. Specially since I realized it so late. Do you think there may be a chance he will consider things again down the line once I've had more time to sort this out? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 You jumped too fast into another relationship. So, how would you feel if you were completely crazy about your boyfriend but he was secretly still loving his ex? Would sucks right? I think you should respect this current man that way you'd like to be respected and let him go. You need to process your breakup on your own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusedlonely Posted April 12, 2021 Author Share Posted April 12, 2021 6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Does your ex want you back? Not sure if either of these two want to be caught in your dilemma. Unfortunately, you seem torn between your ex who was like comfy old slippers, but jettisoned and the new shiny guy who's uncomfortable like trendy new shoes. Take some time to reflect on your own indecision. Otherwise you'll just be unhappy with either of them. Ex would want me back. I'm certain because of some of the things I've heard from friends. But this time I truly need to show him that I am in it for the long haul, but if the same problems show up again I don't know if I should power through them Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 15 minutes ago, Confusedlonely said: Do you think there may be a chance he will consider things again down the line once I've had more time to sort this out? Anything is possible but in his shoes, I wouldn't. I would write you off as someone who doesn't know her own mind. I would have a hard time trusting that you would not flake on me again or even when you came back that you were there because you wanted me as opposed to you were settling because you were afraid to be alone. He is not the 1st rebound in the world & he won't be the last. Better you should hurt his feelings now then a year from now. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 15 minutes ago, Confusedlonely said: if the same problems show up again I don't know if I should power through them Of course you'll have the same problem, you don't change a video game player into an intellectual. It doesn't happen. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 (edited) 18 minutes ago, Confusedlonely said: Ex would want me back. I'm certain because of some of the things I've heard from friends. But this time I truly need to show him that I am in it for the long haul, but if the same problems show up again I don't know if I should power through them The same problems are STILL THERE. It's not a matter of them showing up again. It's after 5-6 years of dating you could never fix the problems & over come them. A few month apart didn't magically solve them. If anything he probably played more video games. He didn't start reading Plato or learning how to plan. Moreover now you will have a new problem. If you get back with the EX he's going to wig out & be all jealous about the new guy. Edited April 12, 2021 by d0nnivain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 Your indecisiveness and flip-flopping is not fair to these guys. If you were compatible with the ex, then it wouldn't have ended. Those issues that caused you to want out of the relationship and end it are STILL there, they haven't changed. The whole cycle would happen all over again, where you feel bored and unfulfilled in the relationship. It's not fair to him to play with his emotions like this. You are wanting to run back to him out of weakness and because you haven't given yourself a chance to get over this breakup and experience standing on your own two feet, on your own. Just remember that if the relationship with the ex was viable, you wouldn't have broken up with him. This is a case of "grass is greener" syndrome. Recognize that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 1 hour ago, Confusedlonely said: But this time I truly need to show him that I am in it for the long haul, but if the same problems show up again I don't know if I should power through them It seems that this is who he is, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 1 hour ago, Confusedlonely said: Do you think there may be a chance he will consider things again down the line once I've had more time to sort this out? Which one? The BF if the ex doesn't work out or the ex if the Bf doesn't work out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusedlonely Posted April 12, 2021 Author Share Posted April 12, 2021 25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Which one? The BF if the ex doesn't work out or the ex if the Bf doesn't work out? The Bf if my LTR ex doesn't work out. (i realize I sound like an absolute douchebag just writing this, but I am truly confused and don't have a ton of experience dating) Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 I would make a decision and go with it. In the end it's no one's business or foot you're shooting except yourself if it doesn't work out. It may be that you need more time to stay single and not be in any relationship at all. Both of them may not be right for you. It's my belief that relationships shouldn't be recycled, forwards not backwards. There is no reason for repeats and I think very carefully when those relationships end. People don't change, not their core or who they are or the types of attachments they're able to form or what they're capable of. Of course others may disagree. Do what's right for you although I think if you were very convinced you wouldn't have to ask. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Confusedlonely said: i realize I sound like an absolute douchebag just writing this, but I am truly confused and don't have a ton of experience dating. You sound confused. In fact it seems like neither of these men is right for you. Going backwards is not the answer. Seems more like the rosy glow of new guy has worn off and old guy seems good by comparison. But, if that were the case you wouldn't have ended it with old guy. There's more than these two men on the planet... and that's the courage you'll need to not just keep settling and settling into boring, unsatisfying easy situations like old guy and new guy. Edited April 12, 2021 by Wiseman2 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 (edited) There's nothing to be confused about. You can't go back to the BF. Everything that made you take a long break from him & eventually break up with him after 5-6 years is still there & is still a problem. You are feeling nostalgic, longing for the familiar & claiming to be in love. You are "in love" with the guy you want him to be, not the guy he actually is. Time has softened the points of friction & is causing you to romanticize him. What you have made him out to be in your head is no where near the guy he actually is who you dumped because it wasn't working. The new guy just showed up too soon before you were truly emotionally available. You rebounded into him because you did not want to be alone. You need to let him go because what you are doing now is not fair. You are not all in on him. Edited April 12, 2021 by d0nnivain 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 6 hours ago, Confusedlonely said: So you suggest I take time off from both of them? Sorry for my late reply I have not been online since this morning. You can play with them if you want, but if they still have genuine, strong feelings for you, you will probably just hurt them because your heart is just not in it. I would recommend dating new guys - it will help ease the pain, you might make a friend, and you never know when you will be ready to fall for a new guy? I also recommend getting involved with the rest of your life - friends, family, job, activities, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 5 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said: Sorry for my late reply I have not been online since this morning. Why? Did they shut off your electricity again? Do you recommend old guy, new guy or a completely different guy? Link to post Share on other sites
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