Ugh. Beware. Life story 🤣

[12348]

Not actually sure where to start, nor do I know why I'm posting on this either! Bare with me please 😊
So I'm in my late 20s. And I've just suffered my first heart break. It came out of the blue, and we were only together for 10 months. I'd previously been in a toxic six year relationship & this relationship was my first one since. It was honestly magical, we had so much in common, we travelled our beautiful country in a van we'd "done" up, did loads of new things we'd never done before, from camping to fishing to hiking, saw amazing sites, the list goes on but basically.. we grew, we laughed, we enjoyed. And as I was falling more & more in love each day, he was beginning to fall out of love (again, no idea it was happening). Then one night after having the most amazing weekend away, he told me he didn't feel the same anymore & no longer found me attractive.
Its been abit over a month since, and I'm still struggling to come to terms with it. I try to keep busy, to focus on self love, etc. I go to counselling, exercise everyday, do all the things I enjoy, but.. I continuously have bad dreams. I've started having palpitations, my body heats up, I start sweating, I feel overwhelmed and just terrified. I've never in my entire life felt like this before.

I do have a lot going on in my life, I'm an only child & my mother was diagnosed with cancer, which caused me to move back home from the country I was living in just over a year ago. I've also been in hospital with basic spine issues but now I've been told I'll be needing spinal surgery. On top of that I study full time. There's plenty more crap that's happened in the past year or so, this covid stuff, etc. But I think you catch my drift.

I just feel absolutely devastated with the loss of my relationship. I felt joy, pure happiness. And it was so much more enjoyable with him by my side.. and in the process of building our relationship.. I found happiness within myself after years and years of feeling so alone in another country with my toxic ex partner. Yet, here I am feeling numb, low and like its all been ripped away!

Not sure what I was hoping to get from this? Maybe some advice? Or to know that others have been through this? To know it gets easier? That the anxiety or what ever it is will stop? That maybe I'll be able to get a full night's sleep sometime soon?

P.S I've just started sleep eating & I don't realise until I see the evidence in the morning. Who knows what's going on with my body & mind. I feel like im losing it!

[LivingWaterPlease]

12348, I'm so very sorry you're going through such a difficult time! You're dealing with way too much, seemingly with no escape. Do you have close friends or family (beside your sick mom) to support you? I see you're already going to counseling, which is wonderful. You're doing things that will help you heal.

I hope you don't live alone.

Also, are you a spiritual person? Prayer and reading the Bible have helped me through so much adversity in my life.

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like you are having a difficult time right now for many reasons, not just the ending of the relationship.  You have anxiety.  Get it treated.  Get into therapy and learn some healthy ways to cope with anxiety.  It does get easier after a breakup, but if you've developed some very intense anxiety then that's a separate issue and it needs treatment.  I found that yoga helped a lot also.

[glows]

I think you need time to adjust to your new reality. Take care of your other health issues and forget this guy. You both shared good memories but it sounds like he was in it just for the companionship or the season. Don't date for awhile and take time to heal. 

Yes, it DOES get easier and it will pass. This is not the end of the world. You will be older and wiser the next time around. You'll get a full night's sleep once your racing thoughts ease and you start to focus on other things in your life such as school. If you have trouble concentrating or issues breathing, speak with your doctor. Don't self-medicate. 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

You really have a lot going on.  The loss of this 10 month BF is the least of your worries but with everything else he was the source of fun.  He was an escape from the tough realities you need to deal with so it hurts that he's gone because with everything else you have looming now you don't have an easy built in source of fun & escape.  

Keep up your studies.  Help your mom where you can. Address your need for surgery & how you will handle school while you recuperate.  

Once you get all the health stuff addressed, you will have time again for romance.  Who knows you may meet a great person while you are doing your PT.  

Hang in there. 

[12348]

I guess I've just found it pretty difficult as majority of my friends are now getting married, buying houses, having children. A year or two off 30 and im still studying.. ill be lucky to be qualified by 30! I feel I'm so far behind where I originally wanted to be. And I thought I'd honestly found the relationship I'd be in long term. We talked about goals & expectations, we talked about housing, kids, potential business growth. I think the biggest issue may have been that he was ready to buy a property, but I'm not. I need to get my studies done, as he was aware was my biggest goal. 

I live with my mum, that's why I moved back here. I support her as I can, cook, clean. Although she has a partner of 8 years (they met after I moved out of home) that I don't see eye to eye with. We make it work though.

And you're totally right, my ex was my escape. Especially from my mothers partner and situation at home. I relied on him for  alot and he whole-heartedly supported me. From uni help to emotional help, to listening to me vent, to coming up with goals and ideas. I guess I was very codependent, so that's where it may have gone wrong. But I'll never know.

We were still making long term plans the weekend before we broke up. We went away for his birthday & I completely splurged. It was an amazing weekend. It really was.

Im well aware I have a crap load of other stuff going on. But until I deal with this, I'm not sure I have the energy to deal with everything else? Other than time, has anyone else tried anything to get through? To heal?

Edited April 12, 2021 by 12348

[Wiseman2]

That's great, you had one of those 10 month adventures of a lifetime.. Enjoy all the memories.

Sorry  you crash landed into such a tough situation. All you can do is adapt and meet local men.

Give yourself a break. You know how to be happy, so it's a matter of finding that under different circumstances now.

Edited April 12, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, 12348 said:

Other than time, has anyone else tried anything to get through? To heal?

I'm a person of faith & I find prayer helps.  If that is not your thing, try meditation or yoga.  Go for a walk each day; exercise releases positive endorphins.  

Another good technique is to keep a gratitude journal.  Every morning write 3 things you are grateful for.  They don't have to be profound but they can be.  For example today I am grateful that 1). I was able to do well on a project & bring much needed help to a client.  2).  that somebody sent me a great script / notes for a program I have to lead in June and 3).  that app I used for curbside delivery of groceries was particularly efficient today   The things you are grateful for can be trivial.  In the cold I am often grateful for my down comforter & my heated mattress pad.   You write 3 more at night.  Once per week you re-read your lists so you can see all the blessings in your life.  Doing this keeps you focused on the good stuff.  

Your list could include: 

1.  You have a good doctor taking care of your spine

2.  You found Love Shack

3.  You are able to spend time with your mom & be there for her

4.  You find ways to co-exist with her SO, even though he's not your favorite person 

Now you keep going . . .

[glows]

One thing is brainstorming, the other is doing. I didn't waste much time after my last relationship ended. If you're interested in taking up new hobbies, just do it. If you're wanting to learn more about your career, start volunteering or job shadowing. If you want to prepare ahead for some of your courses, audit. Curious about meeting new people? Join one or two groups. Don't bite off more than you can chew and stay in touch with yourself and what you can handle.

If something isn't for you, don't feel like you have to keep going or sticking to it. Time is precious.

Journaling helped. 

You'll find yourself becoming more interested in other things and then branching off into other interests. Don't sell yourself short! I think moving forwards is a matter of doing more than anything.

 

Edited April 13, 2021 by glows

[LivingWaterPlease]

10 hours ago, 12348 said:

Other than time, has anyone else tried anything to get through? To heal?

Prayer, reading the Bible, especially Psalms, the book of John, chapters approx 40-50 in Isaiah.

Also, a woman I went to high school with contacted me last week after many years. She heads up a staff of state employees who help counsel and support people who are going through personal crises, tragedies, etc. She also speaks to large groups of people about life.

What she told me about her work is that the best thing to do when in crisis is a simple daily exercise in which you take a journal and each day write down three things you are grateful for. They can be very simple things. But, you don't allow yourself to repeat those things in the rest of the book.

 

Edited April 13, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[spiderowl]

I'm really sorry to hear what happened, OP.  I can appreciate it was a big shock and that your dreams seemed to fall apart at that point.  It will take a period of adjustment for you to emotionally process all this.

You have an awful lot going on and I am not surprised that you are suffering with anxiety as a result of this.  When it's one blow after another, eventually the body starts to react.  The anxiety is reflecting that you are dealing with a lot and that there is a lot of uncertainty in your real life.  It would be natural to feel as you are.

You are doing incredibly to cope with looking after your mother and at the same time finding a way to deal with her partner.  That is a stressful situation for you.  You are an amazing person for doing your best here.  Don't blame yourself if you feel you are struggling or if things are not going perfectly, just appreciate yourself for what you are managing to do.

If the anxiety gets too much, you might want to see a doctor.  There is no point suffering for the sake of it.

Regarding your ex, I am sure you have thought a lot about what went wrong.  Did he say why his feelings had changed?  Was there any clue as to what happened?  Having some understanding or 'closure' about what changed does help, though sometimes people just never know and have to accept that feelings change and that's all there is to it.

Do you have any friends who can support you at the moment?  

[Alfano]

Sounds like you fell hard for him and he wasn't moving as fast.

Lots of guys will pull back when their partner gets clingy.

Learn from this. Know your audience, don't put all your cards right out there on the table.

 

[ctwatlanta]

On 4/12/2021 at 3:38 PM, 12348 said:

I guess I've just found it pretty difficult as majority of my friends are now getting married, buying houses, having children. A year or two off 30 and im still studying.. ill be lucky to be qualified by 30! I feel I'm so far behind where I originally wanted to be. And I thought I'd honestly found the relationship I'd be in long term. We talked about goals & expectations, we talked about housing, kids, potential business growth. I think the biggest issue may have been that he was ready to buy a property, but I'm not. I need to get my studies done, as he was aware was my biggest goal. 

I live with my mum, that's why I moved back here. I support her as I can, cook, clean. Although she has a partner of 8 years (they met after I moved out of home) that I don't see eye to eye with. We make it work though.

And you're totally right, my ex was my escape. Especially from my mothers partner and situation at home. I relied on him for  alot and he whole-heartedly supported me. From uni help to emotional help, to listening to me vent, to coming up with goals and ideas. I guess I was very codependent, so that's where it may have gone wrong. But I'll never know.

We were still making long term plans the weekend before we broke up. We went away for his birthday & I completely splurged. It was an amazing weekend. It really was.

Im well aware I have a crap load of other stuff going on. But until I deal with this, I'm not sure I have the energy to deal with everything else? Other than time, has anyone else tried anything to get through? To heal?

Everyone here has or is (like me) going thru the same thing you're feeling...
It's a crushing feeling...can't eat, can't sleep, horribly depressed, lack of energy to even want to get out of bed or leave the house, etc.  No matter how hard you try you can't get this person out of your head.  When you do happen to fall asleep you wake up in a panic and your mind immediately goes to that person and then you toss and turn until sunrise. 

Am I getting close to what you're feeling?  The point is we all know this feeling all too well.

Here's what I'm doing to cope...  I'm spiritual so I lean on God a lot as I believe He will never give you more than what you can cope with and handle.  Also, I force myself to eat something and I force myself to get out to public places...whether it's the gym, visiting friends/family or even to a store to shop for something.  Being around people really helps me.  I also like coming to these boards and reading what others are going thru and writing down my experience and trying to help others like you.  As sad as it sounds...misery loves company.  I also watch You Tube videos on how to cope.  There's some really good advice out there.  One particular piece of advice was to be honest with yourself and write down all the bad/negative things about your ex.  Be honest with yourself and think hard about them.  You'll be amazed at how long that list can get over a day or two when you take the blinders off and think back over the weeks/months/years and all the crap you disliked about him.  You'll then begin to realize that the person you thought you loved was really more of a visualization of what you wanted vs realization of what you had.  I thought I was truly head over heels with this woman that dumped me 3 days ago.  Now that I've had time to stop and reflect I've started to realize that I was in love with the idea of being in love...and not her as much as I thought.

Trust me, I know exactly what you're feeling.  It's devastating, but look back on that other long-term relationship you had, too.  At the time you broke up I bet you can recall feeling exactly the same as you do now.  You thought, "I'm dying inside and I'll never get past it!"....but you did!  You'll get past this one, too.  Remember, this too shall pass.