I hate my family. I hate living here.

[mint1]

Just recently had an argument with my shitty family, and my stupid mom interpreted what I said as a form of betrayal or that I'm backstabbing her. You know what I said? I said "stop judging other people." and "maybe you should unfollow them or unfollow things you don't like so it doesn't bother you." Tell me. How is that betrayal. It's ridiculous how petty and sensitive she is. For context, she was basically complaining and judging about this mother she follows. I simply told her, to stop judging people and to just unfollow her if it's bothering her so much. And then you know how she responds? She goes on a full on petty ass, angry, sensitive breakdown and calls me a "snake" for "betraying her". HOW????? HELLO??????? IM SO CONFUSED. This is ridiculous. She was talking about how this mother should move on with her life and not let the past interfere with your life. But you know what she says while she goes on a breakdown? She brings up the past of her issues of my dad's family members. Wow hypocrite much?? She likes to preach about moving on, but she continues to bring up past issues and cries like a huge b****.

I hate my family. I have no freedom here. My parents are homophobic, support this terrible government, judge my lifestyle, judge my clothes, judge people for living a certain way, they like to discriminate as well. I value my own personal values and beliefs a lot. Sorry, but I can't stand living in this judgmental household. You don't have to support my beliefs. What I want people to do is to respect me. Am I getting that in this stupid house? No I'm not. 

How the hell does "stop judging people" translate to "I'm betraying you and taking their side".  I'M GENUINELY SO CONFUSED. MY MOTHER NEEDS THERAPY. SHE NEEDS THERAPY. EVERY SINGLE PARENT NEEDS THERAPY. This is ridiculous. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

How old are you?

The wonderful thing about living in a home with people you can't stand is that you have the opportunity to find a job, a place to live, and to move out of it!

Just an observation, though. It seems to me you're following in your mom's footsteps in judging others. Everything you accuse her of, it seems to me you're doing yourself when you judge her.

That said, once your hormones start kicking in as a young woman, it seems it can become more difficult to live in the same house with another grown woman. Some people have an easier time of it than others. I'm guessing you're a teenager. These can be difficult years for many young women. Part of it is just adjusting to your new hormonal self and the world around you. Not an easy thing to do!

You say your mom is sensitive and petty. Most people's feelings would be hurt being the recipient of the attitude you expressed toward your mother.  Sigh. I'm wishing you the best, dear person! Give it time. One day you and your mother will move past some of what you've written about and you'll treasure her!

[Happy Lemming]

Do you live with your mother?? If so, move out...

Then minimize your exposure to her, just see her on the holidays.  For a long time, I kept a "pen pal" relationship with my mother, just sending the occasion letter and snapshots.  She didn't have my physical address, just my P.O. Box and if she called me, I let it go to voicemail, so I wouldn't have to actually speak to her.  After a while, she got the hint and speaks to me in a more civil manner.  Its not perfect, but it is much improved.

You don't have to speak your family.  You can choose to sever those relationships (if you want). I haven't spoke to my sister in 25 years.  No big loss and I'm much happier not having her in my life.

[mint1]

1 minute ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

How old are you?

The wonderful thing about living in a home with people you can't stand is that you have the opportunity to find a job, a place to live, and to move out of it!

Just an observation, though. It seems to me you're following in your mom's footsteps in judging others. Everything you accuse her of, it seems to me you're doing yourself when you judge her.

That said, once your hormones start kicking in as a young woman, it seems it can become more difficult to live in the same house with another grown woman. Some people have an easier time of it than others. I'm guessing you're a teenager. These can be difficult years for many young women. Part of it is just adjusting to your new hormonal self and the world around you. Not an easy thing to do!

You say your mom is sensitive and petty. Most people's feelings would be hurt being the recipient of the attitude you expressed toward your mother.  Sigh. I'm wishing you the best, dear person! Give it time. One day you and your mother will move past some of what you've written about and you'll treasure her!

The thing is, I'll respect anyone who gives me the same respect. My mom does not do that. Every single day she likes to complain about other people's life choices and judges them for their feelings, invalidates them, etc. She is also extremely homophobic and threatened to kill me. How can I not be mad at that? How can I respect someone who invalidates other people's feelings? How can I respect someone who believes that I don't deserve the same rights as other people? How can I respect someone who blames the victim? 

And then she talked about how people should move on from their past, blah blah. But she doesn't even apply that to herself?  If she thinks moving on is so important, why is she still bothered by the issues of my dad's family YEARS AGO. WHY. She has not moved on, yet she complains about people not moving on from the past. 

I still believe it was dumb and stupid for her to interpret my message. Tell me. Seriously. How does "Stop judging people, and unfollow them if you don't like seeing their content" translate to "I'm backstabbing you and I'm going to betray you hahahahaha I am going to take their side." How. There is no connection. Literally ZERO connection. Isn't it common sense to unfollow people you don't like? You hate a person? Block them. You hate watching this content? Unfollow them. It's that simple. It's a simple solution if you want to stop complaining about other people's lives. 

[mint1]

9 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Do you live with your mother?? If so, move out...

Then minimize your exposure to her, just see her on the holidays.  For a long time, I kept a "pen pal" relationship with my mother, just sending the occasion letter and snapshots.  She didn't have my physical address, just my P.O. Box and if she called me, I let it go to voicemail, so I wouldn't have to actually speak to her.  After a while, she got the hint and speaks to me in a more civil manner.  Its not perfect, but it is much improved.

You don't have to speak your family.  You can choose to sever those relationships (if you want). I haven't spoke to my sister in 25 years.  No big loss and I'm much happier not having her in my life.

I'm not financially independent yet. We live in the same house I literally cannot do anything. I'm working hard and planning to move out. I really want to cut them off from my life once I move out. I can't stand this toxic environment.

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, mint1 said:

You hate watching this content? Unfollow them. It's that simple. It's a simple solution if you want to stop complaining about other people's lives. 

I get it... Its like a bad TV show, if you don't like it change the channel.  But it appears some people enjoy being upset, they enjoy drama. 

You won't be able to change her, no use trying.  Just agree with her, until you can afford to move out.  (Her roof...  her rules) Avoid her, go read a book, go sit outside on the back porch, minimize your exposure as much as possible.  Try to stay away from subjects that will trigger her into a rant. 

And when she does go into a rant, just listen and nod...  My mother was a HUGE "Rush Limbaugh" (up until his recent death)...  She would go on and on about how "Rush said this" and "Rush said that".  I just let her go off on her diatribe and listened, as her words went in one ear and out the other. No use arguing with her, just let her vent...

[mint1]

4 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I get it... Its like a bad TV show, if you don't like it change the channel.  But it appears some people enjoy being upset, they enjoy drama. 

You won't be able to change her, no use trying.  Just agree with her, until you can afford to move out.  (Her roof...  her rules) Avoid her, go read a book, go sit outside on the back porch, minimize your exposure as much as possible.  Try to stay away from subjects that will trigger her into a rant. 

And when she does go into a rant, just listen and nod...  My mother was a HUGE "Rush Limbaugh" (up until his recent death)...  She would go on and on about how "Rush said this" and "Rush said that".  I just let her go off on her diatribe and listened, as her words went in one ear and out the other. No use arguing with her, just let her vent...

Thank you.. Yeah I'll try to.  It's hard not to be bothered by what she says honestly. Everything she says is so toxic and it's just ruining my mental health even more. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

1 minute ago, mint1 said:

Thank you.. Yeah I'll try to.  It's hard not to be bothered by what she says honestly. Everything she says is so toxic and it's just ruining my mental health even more. 

How old are you?

I agree with Happy Lemming that you should just avoid her as much as possible. And try not to be like her. Try to focus on the positive in life, rather than the negative.

[ShyViolet]

I'm also curious as to how old you are.  Complaining about it and dwelling on it doesn't help.  Just don't engage in these conversations with her.  If she starts talking about something like this then just walk out of the room.  Make a plan to move out.  Look forward to what you can actually do to get out of the situation.

Edited April 12, 2021 by ShyViolet

[mint1]

3 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

How old are you?

I agree with Happy Lemming that you should just avoid her as much as possible. And try not to be like her. Try to focus on the positive in life, rather than the negative.

19 lol I know I'm still young. I'll try to avoid her, but every time I show up she just continues to insult me. This is so difficult. She won't even acknowledge her mistakes. She just thinks she's always right and the world revolves around her.

[mint1]

Just now, ShyViolet said:

I'm also curious as to how old you are.  Complaining about it and dwelling on it doesn't help.  Just don't engage in these conversations with her.  If she starts talking about something like this then just walk out of the room.  Make a plan to move out.  Look forward to what you can actually do to get out of the situation.

It's actually the first time I genuinely stood up for myself. Usually when she does this, I just ignore her and vent somewhere. I never interact with her whenever she acts like this. This is the first time I stood up for myself. I don't regret what I did. I want to be able to say what I want to say and stop being silent all the time. She's too much.

[ShyViolet]

Just now, mint1 said:

It's actually the first time I genuinely stood up for myself. Usually when she does this, I just ignore her and vent somewhere. I never interact with her whenever she acts like this. This is the first time I stood up for myself. I don't regret what I did. I want to be able to say what I want to say and stop being silent all the time. She's too much.

What you need to understand is that "standing up for yourself" is not going to work or accomplish anything with a person like this.  I too have dealt with a toxic parent.  I'm much older than you.  I finally realized that the only way for me to deal with my toxic dad was to NOT engage with him.  To leave the situation and go for periods without speaking to him.  I understand that's very difficult to do when you're living there and not able to move out yet.

The way that you "stand up for yourself" is to say "I'm not talking about this with you" and then leave the room.  Cut it off.  Leave the house and take a walk.  Let her know that you're not engaging in this.  You cannot argue your way out of this.  And seriously, work on a plan to move out as soon as possible.

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, mint1 said:

It's actually the first time I genuinely stood up for myself. Usually when she does this, I just ignore her and vent somewhere. I never interact with her whenever she acts like this.

That’s wise, you fight the battles that you can win.

Unfortunately, you are living in her home, you are living by her rules. The only thing you can do is try to keep your distance and work hard such that you can move out. Good luck. 

Edited April 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[LivingWaterPlease]

4 minutes ago, mint1 said:

19 lol I know I'm still young. I'll try to avoid her, but every time I show up she just continues to insult me. This is so difficult. She won't even acknowledge her mistakes. She just thinks she's always right and the world revolves around her.

Oh, good! You don't have long, then, until you can move out and find your own place! Are you in school?

[mint1]

23 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

What you need to understand is that "standing up for yourself" is not going to work or accomplish anything with a person like this.  I too have dealt with a toxic parent.  I'm much older than you.  I finally realized that the only way for me to deal with my toxic dad was to NOT engage with him.  To leave the situation and go for periods without speaking to him.  I understand that's very difficult to do when you're living there and not able to move out yet.

The way that you "stand up for yourself" is to say "I'm not talking about this with you" and then leave the room.  Cut it off.  Leave the house and take a walk.  Let her know that you're not engaging in this.  You cannot argue your way out of this.  And seriously, work on a plan to move out as soon as possible.

Okay I'll definitely do this next time. Thank you I appreciate it. I mean I'm glad I said something, but maybe it will help me if I continued to just avoid and ignore her lol I'll try my best

[mint1]

24 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Oh, good! You don't have long, then, until you can move out and find your own place! Are you in school?

Yep I am and I'll enter university this year. Hopefully this will go better for me

[d0nnivain]

Things will get better for you when you enter university.  You are at a precipice right now.  You are on the cusp of adulthood but you are not fully independent yet, nor do you have to be.  Unfortunately you don't yet have the wisdom or the compassion to see your mom as a flawed human being.  You are struggling to come into your own & you see her as an obstacle.  There are so many things you would do differently.  All of that is part of the growth process &  your metamorphosis into adulthood. 

When your mom gets under your skin, which will happen time & again, take a deep breath, count to 10 in your head & repeat to yourself I can get through this.  Stop challenging her or offering your opinion.  She's not ready to hear it yet, because she doesn't see you as an adult.  She will in time but now you are still her little girl so she's used to that same adoration you gave her when you were 5 & she was practically a superhero.  

My mother & I clashed constantly from when I was about 17 until I was at least 24.  By then we learned to respect each other's opinions even when we disagreed.  Even when she didn't respect my choices, they were my choices & I funded them so I learned to ignore her disapproval, rather than fight with her because I knew I would never convert her to my way of thinking.  On her death bed she told me she was proud of me for cutting my own path.  

[Versacehottie]

I'm guessing she reacted like that because of your tone and delivery. Don't you see if you respond like that you are in essence becoming just what you don't like about her? If you want to be non-judgmental and work on creating that environment around you, you can LEAD rather than follow or expect that people will change.  Meaning if you could respond in a way that was less judgmental yourself, it might create an environment where she will RISE to your standard. It can take some work but you just have to keep directing conversations to a more positive and less judgmental place.  

It also sounds like she is using to you vent.  Perhaps she doesn't have many good things in her life or doesn't recognize them so she is focused on the bad.  You can help create that environment by redirecting the conversation.  Try not to be dismissive but gently guide it into another direction.  Like give it a moment of empathy (that aligns with your beliefs), such as "sure, Mom, I can imagine people online can be annoying" then quickly after "forget about them, those things, let's talk about xyz (something she has coming up, something she is excited about) or let's go do xyz.  It usually will take a while to change people's entrenched behaviors--but the best way is giving them the skills so that they know how to redirect that negative energy and venting doesn't become a toxic crutch. There's no reason a person's child can't set the example and be the inspiration for her to change. I'm sure you can see that your own behavior is in danger of going the same direction as hers if you don't work on new coping mechanisms yourself.  Try to be empathetic to whatever learning in her life has gotten her to this place where this is the outlet she chooses. You don't have to fully accept it though--you have the power to input behaviors of your own that will change the environment.

 

Edited April 12, 2021 by Versacehottie

[mint1]

2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I'm guessing she reacted like that because of your tone and delivery. Don't you see if you respond like that you are in essence becoming just what you don't like about her? If you want to be non-judgmental and work on creating that environment around you, you can LEAD rather than follow or expect that people will change.  Meaning if you could respond in a way that was less judgmental yourself, it might create an environment where she will RISE to your standard. It can take some work but you just have to keep directing conversations to a more positive and less judgmental place.  

It also sounds like she is using to you vent.  Perhaps she doesn't have many good things in her life or doesn't recognize them so she is focused on the bad.  You can help create that environment by redirecting the conversation.  Try not to be dismissive but gently guide it into another direction.  Like give it a moment of empathy (that aligns with your beliefs), such as "sure, Mom, I can imagine people online can be annoying" then quickly after "forget about them, those things, let's talk about xyz (something she has coming up, something she is excited about) or let's go do xyz.  It usually will take a while to change people's entrenched behaviors--but the best way is giving them the skills so that they know how to redirect that negative energy and venting doesn't become a toxic crutch. There's no reason a person's child can't set the example and be the inspiration for her to change. I'm sure you can see that your own behavior is in danger of going the same direction as hers if you don't work on new coping mechanisms yourself.  Try to be empathetic to whatever learning in her life has gotten her to this place where this is the outlet she chooses. You don't have to fully accept it though--you have the power to input behaviors of your own that will change the environment.

 

She's not someone you can change. She won't change or agree with other people's perspectives. She wants people to agree with her. And the way I said it was in a calm manner and I didn't even shout at her. She hates it when young people speak up, she just immediately thinks we're rude and disrespectful. I'll try to change something, but at this point she's done so much damage, I would really rather cut her off rather than change someone like her. Our values clash and I'd rather not spend my life with someone like this. It's the same in a relationship, we should have someone who shares the same values

[Happy Lemming]

A few years back, I learned a very valuable lesson.

Sometimes when a woman speaks or complains about a subject, they don't want your opinion, nor do they want you to fix it.  They just want you to listen.

Perhaps, your mother doesn't want your opinion, nor does she want a suggestion to fix the situation, she just wants to be heard and acknowledged.

[Versacehottie]

14 minutes ago, mint1 said:

She's not someone you can change. She won't change or agree with other people's perspectives. She wants people to agree with her. And the way I said it was in a calm manner and I didn't even shout at her. She hates it when young people speak up, she just immediately thinks we're rude and disrespectful. I'll try to change something, but at this point she's done so much damage, I would really rather cut her off rather than change someone like her. Our values clash and I'd rather not spend my life with someone like this. It's the same in a relationship, we should have someone who shares the same values

Ok, she's your mother so of course you probably have better insight into her ability to change than I do.  But part of why I said what i did, is it changes the environment and YOUR experience, even if she does not change as a person.  That can be a goal but a far better and more achievable goal is to change YOUR experience in life.  You can do that similarly with exactly what I said to do-by re-directing topics, managing your own response.  There are MANY ways to change the toxicity surrounding people who interact negatively without truly changing the person themselves. (though if you were to be pretty resilient it surely is going to tamper her behavior and behavior IS who a person is).   I've seen some pretty immovable people change.

I'm mostly talking about your present circumstances not your long term future with her. I'm imagining if she is this awful, you will distance from her when you are able to.  I don't know the entirety of your history with her (doesn't matter for this answer) BUT try to concentrate on what is going on now.  Longer terms is another thing--I'd venture to say that some moms are difficult but the percentage of truly horrible cut them out of your life ones is pretty small. It's probably overwhelming to think that far ahead now--so my advice is don't. Just make the present better.  And you can definitely do that by controlling your half, and gently guiding the interactions. good luck

Edited April 12, 2021 by Versacehottie

[d0nnivain]

21 minutes ago, mint1 said:

She's not someone you can change. She won't change or agree with other people's perspectives. She wants people to agree with her. And the way I said it was in a calm manner and I didn't even shout at her. She hates it when young people speak up, she just immediately thinks we're rude and disrespectful. I'll try to change something, but at this point she's done so much damage, I would really rather cut her off rather than change someone like her. Our values clash and I'd rather not spend my life with someone like this. It's the same in a relationship, we should have someone who shares the same values

I could have written this about my own mother when I was 19.  I promise it will get better as you age.  

Bite your tongue until you go off to university.  

[glows]

3 hours ago, mint1 said:

I still believe it was dumb and stupid for her to interpret my message. Tell me. Seriously. How does "Stop judging people, and unfollow them if you don't like seeing their content" translate to "I'm backstabbing you and I'm going to betray you hahahahaha I am going to take their side." How. There is no connection. Literally ZERO connection. Isn't it common sense to unfollow people you don't like? You hate a person? Block them. You hate watching this content? Unfollow them. It's that simple. It's a simple solution if you want to stop complaining about other people's lives. 

Part of the issue here is that she is invested in that "content" wherever it is, social media etc, so it may help in those interactions avoiding making any comment as to how she judges or replies or responds to that content. I'd advise just walking away. Move out if you can move out soon. Avoid any comments about the way she uses social media. There's a strong following now of individuals who are just NOT part of that world. 

What matters is you and your life and how you live outside of your upbringing or what your parents are doing. You're free to make your own choices. There is a lot that is empowering and uplifting about that thought. Hang on to it and move out, live your life past this phase. 

[vla1120]

@mint1 I was so very different from my entire family and it reminds me of your situation. I could not wait until I graduated high school and moved out. I never looked back. Like others have said, don't engage. You won't change her mind (and you've indicated that you know that.) Just patiently bide your time and make sure that, once you move out to go to university, you take those years in school to plan and prepare so that you will not have to move back home after you graduate. 

[MsJayne]

7 hours ago, mint1 said:

It's actually the first time I genuinely stood up for myself. Usually when she does this, I just ignore her and vent somewhere.

And that right there is the problem, you called out hypocritical and foolish behaviour, and no one likes being exposed as a hypocrite or a fool, hence she went off her rocker at you. Parents often fail to acknowledge that their "children" have actually become adults and it gives them a nasty shock when the child pipes up and makes an adult statement which disagrees with the parents world view. I'm gathering that you're alternate sexuality and not being taken seriously by family?  There are still billions of people who have a problem with homosexuality, but you shouldn't let small-mindedness get you down because you will encounter it from other areas of your life as well, instead learn how to navigate it.