His actions are killing me inside

[Whaatamidoing]

I dont want him anymore and I think I had a lucky escape.

But I still love him.

I haven't been able to talk to him about us now not being close like we were. It just stopped, hes hinted that he liked it how it used to be but hes just accepted I dont act like I use to.

Its terrible now covid allowances have started easing, hes coming into the office more and more and I am having to listen to what hes doing on Friday/Saturday night, who hes doing it with, hes planning a holiday with his wife and one of clients, hes buidlign his extension and hes doing all the planning for these things right in front of me. I hate him with every part of me but I hate him because I am so jealous he doesn't want me.

Ive had a couple of interviews that havent lead anywhere am im wondering whether my broken heart is stopping me coming across as my best.

I feel like Bridget Jones, i need a new job because i shagged my colleague, I just feel sick and bitter all the time. How do you move on from this?

 

[glows]

Keep telling yourself that all things pass. You can only want out of this if you truly feel it's best for you. Keep looking for a new job if you feel that's best. I think it can only be up from there once you are away from these people. 

Whenever I feel down, I have to remind myself that others are entitled to their own happiness. We don't get to dictate or control others or how they conduct themselves. It may sound counterproductive but be happy for him. Let him go. 

[BaileyB]

It will get so much better when you find a new job.

You can’t possibly move on or find happiness when you have to see this sorry excuse of a human being everyday...

[NYAG]

1 hour ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I dont want him anymore and I think I had a lucky escape.

But I still love him.

I haven't been able to talk to him about us now not being close like we were. It just stopped, hes hinted that he liked it how it used to be but hes just accepted I dont act like I use to.

Its terrible now covid allowances have started easing, hes coming into the office more and more and I am having to listen to what hes doing on Friday/Saturday night, who hes doing it with, hes planning a holiday with his wife and one of clients, hes buidlign his extension and hes doing all the planning for these things right in front of me. I hate him with every part of me but I hate him because I am so jealous he doesn't want me.

Ive had a couple of interviews that havent lead anywhere am im wondering whether my broken heart is stopping me coming across as my best.

I feel like Bridget Jones, i need a new job because i shagged my colleague, I just feel sick and bitter all the time. How do you move on from this?

 

Being in the same environment as him means you can never move on. I always go for a clean break. Any lingering reminders make it really difficult to move on. Keep looking for new jobs, you need out of there or you will never be allowed to forget.

[Whaatamidoing]

He must know his behaviour is cruel. I suppose its not changed really but I am viewing it differently. 

I just dont know how he cannot have an ounze of empathy for me. Do it at home. 

I know he had an affair but she doesnt know that, they are living their best lives. Id prefer not to know. 

[glows]

27 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

He must know his behaviour is cruel. I suppose its not changed really but I am viewing it differently. 

I just dont know how he cannot have an ounze of empathy for me. Do it at home. 

I know he had an affair but she doesnt know that, they are living their best lives. Id prefer not to know. 

You can prefer not to know or not know the details. Choose to be elsewhere, tune out, pay less attention, try not to internalize that it's directed towards you. 

Conduct yourself with as much grace as you can muster and then leave the organization when it's the right time. 

[Snakesalive]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It will get so much better when you find a new job

This is so true . It’s still early in no contact for me and some days are easier than others but I can honestly say leaving my job and getting another is the single best thing I’ve done . I have something other than him to focus on and it really feels like a new start . I know it’s not always easy to find something new but just   Filling in application forms and interview prep has given me a purpose, I’m sure it will be for you too the  right thing just hasn’t come along yet  

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

He must know his behaviour is cruel. 

I just dont know how he cannot have an ounze of empathy for me.

Why would you expect that he would have empathy for you? Kindly. 

Does he show empathy for his wife when he is having sex on the desk with another woman at work? 

This man thinks about one person - himself. It’s so clear in everything you have written... He only ever thinks about himself... if he shines his light on you, it’s only because you are standing in his shadow. 

[BaileyB]

^^^ Not saying you are wrong to expect empathy, kindness, or respect from a romantic partner. Not even from a human being. Just saying - you need to remember who you are dealing with here. 

It says a lot that you would get more empathy from friends, coworkers, or even strangers on the internet than you do from your affair partner. But, that’s the nature of the relationship - whatever serves him. You are understanding that now, particularly because things have gone bad. 

He’s got some courage to be parading in front of you, when he is well aware that you have information that could be damaging to his marriage. Maybe courage isn’t the word, perhaps ego and arrogance are better.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

hes planning a holiday with his wife and one of clients, hes buidlign his extension and hes doing all the planning for these things right in front of me.

Ignore him. 

[Allupinnit]

7 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

He must know his behaviour is cruel. I suppose its not changed really but I am viewing it differently. 

I just dont know how he cannot have an ounze of empathy for me. Do it at home. 

I know he had an affair but she doesnt know that, they are living their best lives. Id prefer not to know. 

I'm sorry to say he probably doesn't realize he's hurting your feelings.  He figures it's fine because you knew he was married and were the OW all along anyway, he figures you can't be jealous and goes about socializing with his colleagues as usual.  Those are things married men talk about.  Yes, he IS that selfish and horrible and some other poor woman has no idea the psychopath she's married to.  

I had warned you a few months ago that going NC "gradually" and while you work together is impossible.  I hope you can find something new soon.  Until then you're just going to have to reap what you've sown.  

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I feel like Bridget Jones, i need a new job because i shagged my colleague, I just feel sick and bitter all the time. How do you move on from this?

Time and keeping away from him/finding a new job should help a lot. If it's limerence, once it becomes essentially impossible to continue/realistically ever see him again there is apparently a good chance your brain will start to "leave you alone" about him.  If it's just regular breakup blues, then time (which is important for limerence too) and eventually moving on.

Eventually this person becomes just like any past romantic interest - part of your past and of little consequence either practically or emotionally, unless you care to reminisce (which it sounds like you won't be caring to do anytime soon). Clearly you've got a ways to go before you get to that point, but you'll get there.

[Beentheretoooften]

10 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It will get so much better when you find a new job.

You can’t possibly move on or find happiness when you have to see this sorry excuse of a human being everyday...

Hate when ppl say this kind of nonsense. A sorry excuse for a human?  Don’t you think that’s a bit harsh?  Maybe focus on what she can do and use positive words. 

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, Beentheretoooften said:

Hate when ppl say this kind of nonsense. A sorry excuse for a human?  Don’t you think that’s a bit harsh?  Maybe focus on what she can do and use positive words. 

I certainly did, I suggested that it would be better when she gets another job. Unfortunately, that’s the only thing that will improve this situation. 

Edited April 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[Whaatamidoing]

Thanks for the support everyone.

I agree that I don't know why I am expecting empathy from him, I just thought that he knows me so well, he must know how Im feeling inside, I just thought he might show a little more compassion. Im listing many mistakes I made throughout our time together. I have been reading that a narcissist needs an empathetic person to dig their nails into. 

I know we had an affair and that was wrong but I genuinely feel like his wife is married to a different person. I cant explain how far the changes go, he has said to me many times that he can be himself around me, and he isnt with her. What that means is he doesnt use bad language, hes a doting dad and husband, they go to dinner with our clients and Im sat here thinking he hates that client, he always says how boring he is but his Mrs likes his wife so they dine together. There are so many aspects of his life that are false, i was just one of them. I just dont understand why its ok to be himself around me but around everyone else he was an improved refined version of himself.

Money has certainly changed him, when I met him he had mates, real mates he could go for a pint with. The only friends he now sees are ones pre-approved by his wife. I guess what I am analysing is that hes changed, massively since we got together all that time ago.

[NYAG]

13 hours ago, BaileyB said:

 if he shines his light on you, it’s only because you are standing in his shadow. 

That's a line I need to quote somewhere.....

[NYAG]

1 hour ago, Whaatamidoing said:

Thanks for the support everyone.

I agree that I don't know why I am expecting empathy from him, I just thought that he knows me so well, he must know how Im feeling inside, I just thought he might show a little more compassion. Im listing many mistakes I made throughout our time together. I have been reading that a narcissist needs an empathetic person to dig their nails into. 

I know we had an affair and that was wrong but I genuinely feel like his wife is married to a different person. I cant explain how far the changes go, he has said to me many times that he can be himself around me, and he isnt with her. What that means is he doesnt use bad language, hes a doting dad and husband, they go to dinner with our clients and Im sat here thinking he hates that client, he always says how boring he is but his Mrs likes his wife so they dine together. There are so many aspects of his life that are false, i was just one of them. I just dont understand why its ok to be himself around me but around everyone else he was an improved refined version of himself.

Money has certainly changed him, when I met him he had mates, real mates he could go for a pint with. The only friends he now sees are ones pre-approved by his wife. I guess what I am analysing is that hes changed, massively since we got together all that time ago.

Most affair partners think they get the best side from the married person they are dating. They think they are in a privileged position of knowing that person better than anyone else. It's not true and it's delusional. It may feel like that whilst everything is going their way but as soon as things start to sour, their true self becomes apparent. And I say this as someone with experience. There is nothing romantic about being an affair partner. It's a practical arrangement that lasts as long as both people are willing to put up with it as a non satisfactory relationship set up. It's a sticking plaster and it'll lose its lustre for one of you somewhere along the line. He has given you one version of himself that may or may not be the real him and everyone else gets another version that may or may not be the real him. Infidels are a type of Jekyll and Hyde. Never forget that. Expect nothing from him. He owes you nothing. You owe him nothing. That's the hard truth of it. Walk away.

[elaine567]

It is obvious you still feel in competition with his wife. 
You thought you got the best of him, the real him, the genuine him - before money and SHE corrupted him and made him into someone you don't recognise.
But people age, they grow up, they want different things, they jettison their pub mates, they become less rough around the edges, they move on from the woman they are sleeping with at work. You thought you were the dream team, but he was not thinking like that.
He wants  better for himself. He has chosen to change and you are just the casualty of that change.
The real him is who he is today.

Forget about throwing the narcissist word around. Every slighted lover thinks their ex is a narcissist, it is very unlikely to be true. 
Even if he is, then it doesn't really help you as you allowed him to take advantage and that is what you need to concentrate on.
Why did you put up with this nonsense for 7 long years?
It is now time for you to change.

[Whaatamidoing]

Because for some of the 7 years it didn't feel like nonsense. It felt like love, it felt like butterflies and understanding.

Harsh harsh needed words.

I suppose I wish he never changed. How can you not feel in competition,  the situation im in isnt too dissimilar to the wife being left for the affair partner, the difference being that she is afforded comfort and understanding. I know I did wrong but the hurt is still the same and that is what I am trying to work through.

Im trying to change but bottling it all up whilst i am around him is so hard. 

He doesnt owe me anything, you are right. After 8 years, he doesnt owe me anything. Its like the break up of a long term relationship for me and for him, he has sailed off into the sunset, I can really understand why some women take revenge and tell the wife to just give him a piece of what they are feeling. Hes unhurtable otherwise.

 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I suppose I wish he never changed. How can you not feel in competition,  the situation im in isnt too dissimilar to the wife being left for the affair partner, the difference being that she is afforded comfort and understanding.

I understand that you are working your way through this experience, but you are still really caught up in the unfairness of it all. There is one crucial difference. You were in a relationship with the man and you loved him. But you were not his primary relationship. As such, as difficult as it is to say, you were expendable. The loss is simply not the same for him, because you were clearly more invested in the relationship. 

3 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I genuinely feel like his wife is married to a different person. I cant explain how far the changes go, he has said to me many times that he can be himself around me, and he isnt with her.

That’s not necessarily a good thing. He clearly fostered this competition that you feel with his wife. Still - if “being himself with you” means that he does not have to keep healthy boundaries, that he does not have to hide his character flaws, that is not necessarily a good thing. That doesn’t make your relationship “better,” it actually makes it more “unhealthy.”

Edited April 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[glows]

2 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

Because for some of the 7 years it didn't feel like nonsense. It felt like love, it felt like butterflies and understanding.

Harsh harsh needed words.

I suppose I wish he never changed. How can you not feel in competition,  the situation im in isnt too dissimilar to the wife being left for the affair partner, the difference being that she is afforded comfort and understanding. I know I did wrong but the hurt is still the same and that is what I am trying to work through.

Im trying to change but bottling it all up whilst i am around him is so hard. 

He doesnt owe me anything, you are right. After 8 years, he doesnt owe me anything. Its like the break up of a long term relationship for me and for him, he has sailed off into the sunset, I can really understand why some women take revenge and tell the wife to just give him a piece of what they are feeling. Hes unhurtable otherwise.

 

 

Perhaps it's even worse that she doesn't know and continues not to know. As painful as it may be, you likely won't be the last woman he dates on the side or sees while married to his wife. The idea that both of you shared something special comes from the beginning, all those years ago, when you bought the idea that it was "butterflies and understanding". 

I think you need to unpack all of why this was acceptable from the start, way back then, and why there were no boundaries/guards up about dating a married man. I hesitate to suggest therapy and maybe you are already seeing someone to talk this out. The heartbreak started at the beginning. It didn't just happen at the end. There were multiple people affected but you were only blind at the start. I say this not with ill intention, by the way, or to make you feel worse. You didn't have him from the beginning.

[NYAG]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Perhaps it's even worse that she doesn't know and continues not to know. As painful as it may be, you likely won't be the last woman he dates on the side or sees while married to his wife. The idea that both of you shared something special comes from the beginning, all those years ago, when you bought the idea that it was "butterflies and understanding". 

I think you need to unpack all of why this was acceptable from the start, way back then, and why there were no boundaries/guards up about dating a married man. I hesitate to suggest therapy and maybe you are already seeing someone to talk this out. The heartbreak started at the beginning. It didn't just happen at the end. There were multiple people affected but you were only blind at the start. I say this not with ill intention, by the way, or to make you feel worse. You didn't have him from the beginning.

Agree. Affair partners are always replaceable in the same way that MMs are also replaceable.

[Whaatamidoing]

I see that now, I see the lines I was fed that every AP on this website seems to have also been given.

Realistically, this was always going to end terribly but when you are caught up in it, you dont even imagine it will end. Like we all do, I thought hed eventually decide being without me is worse but as you've all pointed out despite what he told me, he was never going to feel this way. Hes probably judging me for not having more respect for myself.

I cant tell you how stupid I feel though.

 

[NYAG]

5 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I see that now, I see the lines I was fed that every AP on this website seems to have also been given.

Realistically, this was always going to end terribly but when you are caught up in it, you dont even imagine it will end. Like we all do, I thought hed eventually decide being without me is worse but as you've all pointed out despite what he told me, he was never going to feel this way. Hes probably judging me for not having more respect for myself.

I cant tell you how stupid I feel though.

 

I am currently an AP. I refuse to fall in love with him because our boundaries have been there from the start. He will never leave her, and I will never wait for him. If I find someone better or decide he's not enough I am free to go. But we do have a very strong connection and that fills the needs we both currently have emotionally and intimately as far as a relationship goes. It's all he can accept into his life and all he can offer me. And that's fine. No one has promised anyone anything different. If I got into an AP situation and it wasn't like that I would run for the hills because it never ends happily ever after for the AP and going in eyes wide open if that is what you choose is the only way to come out of it with your sanity intact. You almost need to go into it like a business contract. It sounds harsh but it's the reality for 99% of affair situations.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Whaatamidoing said:

Hes probably judging me for not having more respect for myself.

I don’t know that he thinks about anything more than what is in his own best interest. 

But, if he does... let’s hope that he sees the courage it has taken you to end this affair. The courage that it is taking for you to apply for other jobs and imagine a different life for yourself - to start again. And the resiliency you have shown in continuing to come to work everyday, while you work to better your own circumstance. 

There is a lot to respect and admire. Sure, you made a poor decision and got involved with a man when you shouldn’t - but, you have enough respect for yourself to chose something different for yourself and make that decision right. 

Not saying he will respect that - I doubt he will. But, you should. And that’s all that really matters...

Edited April 13, 2021 by BaileyB