His actions are killing me inside

[Whaatamidoing]

1 hour ago, NYAG said:

I am currently an AP. I refuse to fall in love with him because our boundaries have been there from the start. He will never leave her, and I will never wait for him. If I find someone better or decide he's not enough I am free to go. But we do have a very strong connection and that fills the needs we both currently have emotionally and intimately as far as a relationship goes. It's all he can accept into his life and all he can offer me. And that's fine. No one has promised anyone anything different. If I got into an AP situation and it wasn't like that I would run for the hills because it never ends happily ever after for the AP and going in eyes wide open if that is what you choose is the only way to come out of it with your sanity intact. You almost need to go into it like a business contract. It sounds harsh but it's the reality for 99% of affair situations.

There was a time when I was thinking I was possibly falling for him that I felt like you have described above, I told myself it will never be anything more, it is a business contract. The more he met my emotional needs, the more i began to fall for him. 

I do have to say that you are in a minority if you can view your situation as a business transaction, I honestly thought the same, sex only, no feelings, no wanting more but then the sex turned into a night away, the night away turned into constant texting until the next time. If you can have boundaries that are that secure then good for you but what worries me is that it crept up on me without me thinking it would, I thought we were good friends with benefits for a long time, until longing to be with each other longer kicked in.

Im not sure you can refuse to fall in love, my friends always talk about how frosty I am, I dont like close human contact, Im not a cuddler but with him for some reason it was different, I wanted him in my personal space. It crept up and bit me in the bum.

[Allupinnit]

Yeah there's no way I can separate a sexual relationship from my feelings -  I don't believe we're wired that way.  

[mark clemson]

^^ that will depend on the individual and to some extent the time in their life. Certainly there IS a strong tendency for sex and emotion to go hand-in-hand.

[Allupinnit]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

^^ that will depend on the individual and to some extent the time in their life. Certainly there IS a strong tendency for sex and emotion to go hand-in-hand.

I think we all know there are exceptions to every rule.

[Stupidkupid]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I understand that you are working your way through this experience, but you are still really caught up in the unfairness of it all.

To be fair to the OP this isn't uncommon but is absolutely true.

When i first ended my A with an MM the therapy was very focused around this and why I felt it. I worked through it but it took wanting to be different, be happy, be better and a lot of commitment to myself.

Think OP needs to make a commitment to herself and to moving forward and seeing things in a different light. Easier with a new job and distance. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Yeah there's no way I can separate a sexual relationship from my feelings -  I don't believe we're wired that way.  

Some people maybe, but I don’t believe that many people are really wired this way. Not many women... 

I think many fool themselves, believing that they are... only to be proven wrong. 

[NYAG]

18 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

There was a time when I was thinking I was possibly falling for him that I felt like you have described above, I told myself it will never be anything more, it is a business contract. The more he met my emotional needs, the more i began to fall for him. 

I do have to say that you are in a minority if you can view your situation as a business transaction, I honestly thought the same, sex only, no feelings, no wanting more but then the sex turned into a night away, the night away turned into constant texting until the next time. If you can have boundaries that are that secure then good for you but what worries me is that it crept up on me without me thinking it would, I thought we were good friends with benefits for a long time, until longing to be with each other longer kicked in.

Im not sure you can refuse to fall in love, my friends always talk about how frosty I am, I dont like close human contact, Im not a cuddler but with him for some reason it was different, I wanted him in my personal space. It crept up and bit me in the bum.

We've had the daily texting from the start. There might be the odd night away. I see him every week. He's already bought me gifts which was a bit of a surprise. But we talked about the boundaries before we started seeing each other. We both knew exactly what we wanted from this and it satisfies a need which is much more than sexual but that still isn't love to me. You can have intimacy and emotion and still not be in love with someone to that extent. There is absolutely no way I will ever have more with this one than I already have. There is a sell by date on it one and that's fine. Knowing this means I won't get in too deep with him. I have been in casual and FWB relationships before so this is not new to me and I understand how the boundaries work. It would be easy for me to say, 'oh this one's different' but it really isn't. I've had my fingers burnt too many times to let myself be tricked into thinking that. Yes we have that click factor massively but it's basically the same as the others and there's no point in wishing for anything else. There's no way he's going to give up the life he has for me and there's no way I am giving up my independence and freedom for him.

Edited April 14, 2021 by NYAG
missing word

[Bittersweetie]

21 hours ago, BaileyB said:

There is a lot to respect and admire. Sure, you made a poor decision and got involved with a man when you shouldn’t - but, you have enough respect for yourself to chose something different for yourself and make that decision right. 

Not saying he will respect that - I doubt he will. But, you should. And that’s all that really matters...

I just want to circle back to what Bailey said above. While you may have made poor choices in the past, you are working on changing and respecting yourself. Facing that one has had an affair and taking responsibility for it is very difficult. It's difficult to look at the whys and make changes in oneself. It's a hard, long road and most would rather take an easy way out. But it is a road worth traveling. You are starting on this road and that in and of itself is a lot to be proud of. I try to judge others not on their bad decisions but how one deals with bad decisions made. You are working through changing not only your external situation but also looking inside for change. That is admirable, Whatamidoing! Especially after being in this situation for so many years. You can do this, we are sending you strength.

Edited April 14, 2021 by Bittersweetie