Dealing with Confrontational Spouses

[Indigo Night]

 

My husband and I (51m & 50f) have been together 22 years. Married almost 19.

We are both stubborn, and passionate people, so it has made for tension throughout the years, but rarely major. Great sex too!

I had a hysterectomy 12 years ago that ruined my sex drive. He blamed me. I'm fine once sex starts, but it's hard for me to get in the mood without his help.He told me our lack of sex was my fault. When he had issues, I did everything I could to not make him feel bad about himself.

He has no problem telling me when I screw up, usually loudly and unrelenting. This never changed. I am the one trying to diffuse fights. (Which stems from severe physical and verbal abuse in my past). He says I don't fight fair when he accuses me of something, and I ask for an example. He uses words like always, never, etc. Even though I don't always do anything, except breathe.

HE is also prone to insulting and hurtful comments directed at me, Saying things like I am a bully who kicks people after I push them down. Trust me, I can have a twisted sense of humor, but cruel I am not. I have to be seriously provoked, and it's never been directed at him. Contrary to what he thinks. My ex however knows exactly how brutal I am capable of being.

Two weeks ago I finally broke down in the car from his yelling, and demanded he let me out. I know he won't hit me, but yelling terrifies me due to my past. I had an emotional breakdown. Two weeks later he expects me to be fine. I'm not!

Because I'm not okay, I tried to explain that whenever he hurts me,and I bring it up it's a guaranteed fight. I prefaced my example by saying "I was really hurt when you said this, but I'm not now. Can we talk about it?" It didn't take 30 seconds for him to blow up on me for 5+ minutes of berating me, pausing and continuing, even though I was choking on tears.i rarely cry.

99% of the time we are loving and kind to each other. But ANY time i try to talk about something that hurt me, it's a brutal fight with him pointing out every flaw I have.

I have considered divorce. I would rather find a way to fix that 1% which is causing me so much hurt. 

I'm not blameless, but I do own my mistakes, and work very hard to fix them.

I just wonder if I'm fooling myself. I know he loves me. I just can't keep taking the blame. It's destroying me.

Suggestions? Besides divorce him. Marriage counseling is also out. He's on his best behavior so it doesn't work.

It's so hard to write this but I'm at my wits end. I need help.

Side note: Both of my parents died in the last 5 years which adds to my pain. I've been really struggling with their deaths. Which isn't helping.

Thank you for taking the time to read my long post.

 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

You don't need marriage counseling in general so much as communications counseling specifically.   It may help educate him about the consequences of the words he uses.  

[Caauug]

1 hour ago, Indigo Night said:

He has no problem telling me when I screw up, usually loudly and unrelenting. This never changed. I am the one trying to diffuse fights. (Which stems from severe physical and verbal abuse in my past). 

HE is also prone to insulting and hurtful comments directed at me, ….

Two weeks ago I finally broke down in the car from his yelling, and demanded he let me out. I know he won't hit me, but yelling terrifies me due to my past. I had an emotional breakdown. Two weeks later he expects me to be fine. I'm not!

Because I'm not okay, I tried to explain that whenever he hurts me,and I bring it up it's a guaranteed fight. I prefaced my example by saying "I was really hurt when you said this, but I'm not now. Can we talk about it?" It didn't take 30 seconds for him to blow up on me for 5+ minutes of berating me, pausing and continuing, even though I was choking on tears.i rarely cry.

That almost sounds like abuse..... Mental abuse?? He frightens you with his loud insulting, hurtful comments. Above shows you are trying to communicate the damage he is doing but he's not listening as he keeps doing it.... Why???

Why would he raise his voice? Are you hard of hearing?

1 hour ago, Indigo Night said:

He says I don't fight fair when he accuses me of something, and I ask for an example. He uses words like always, never, etc. Even though I don't always do anything, except breathe.

…… Saying things like I am a bully who kicks people after I push them down. Trust me, I can have a twisted sense of humor, but cruel I am not. I have to be seriously provoked, and it's never been directed at him. Contrary to what he thinks. My ex however knows exactly how brutal I am capable of being.

And Yes, you can hear him but you just toss off his concerns more or less saying "That's nothing to what I can do, my ex knows how brutal I can be" 

So you want your hurt emotions validated by him but you purposely un-validate his hurt emotions.... How does that work???

You have the advantage here, use it in your favour. Listen to what your husband is try to express what he is feeling, validate his concerns and try to correct/change/modify your behavior. Talk it though with him and express your concerns that is bothering him. It's called communication.... Once you have shown him that you are listening to him you should see a change in his behavior. If after time there is no change in him calmly express your emotions and ask him to listen, as you have been doing. Damage has been done over time, it will take time to heal...

IMO I can not see this working the other way around. Someone has to make the first move, and you OP have the advantage/power to try.

He can not listen (validate your feelings/emotions) because you will not listen (validate his feelings/emotions)…. His frustration is nearly at the abuse level trying to deal with it.... He shows he still cares for the R as he is still shouting etc, if he stops shouting/yelling without change, he has checked out, it's that simple!!!

Or just take the easy route, give yourself a black eye and call the cops and have him locked up after you have recorded your last fight with him yelling.... He can shout at Bubba then, not your concern.... Play the victim for real....

Note: Above comments are not intended to single out one person or gender over another. 

[BaileyB]

First, I’m so sorry for the loss of your parents. It shakes the very ground that you walk on to lose a parent, I can’t imagine how hard it is to lose both parents in a short period of time. 

As to your question, I would say that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. You have a husband who dismisses your feelings and refuses to change his behavior. If counselling is a not going to work because he is manipulative and he knows it all, I would have a really hard time staying. I can imagine that I would find myself shutting down more and more as a form of self protection. 

The only way forward is counselling or as Donnivain suggested, a communication/conflict resolution workshop. You both need to learn how to have these hard discussions in a way that supports and validates the other. 

Edited April 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[glows]

This was my ex-husband to a T. No words could bring him down after he chose to rant/rave/blow up. The more rational I was, the less rational or willing to communicate he was and it was constant belittling, verbal abuse, insults and towards the end it wasn't just character assassinations. He also made hurtful comments about my physical appearance, upbringing and every good thing that he knew about me, he shredded. I realized he was only a little boy in a man's body, jealous, insecure and he had no respect for me or others. 

I can't tell you what to do but what helped me stay sane was staying true to the way I speak, the way I wanted to live or treat other people. One day I made a decision I never wanted to be like him again and I flipped the switch. If I had certain views, I strengthened them. If I felt talking to someone a certain way inappropriate, I didn't do that to him. This maddened him even more (that he couldn't break me or change me or get the better of our conversations). Prior I was like a tumbleweed or punching bag and I absorbed what he was. I stopped doing all that.

I don't think marriage counselling helps for verbal or emotional abuse. Think through carefully whether first 1) his traits can be changed and 2) whether you want to stay for it. 

For me the answer was no to both questions. 

Edited April 13, 2021 by glows

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Indigo Night said:

I can't say a single word without him yelling at me. He will scream at me when I am crying asking him to please stop. 

My children can't stand how he talks to me.

Kindly, this seems a little more serious than “99% of the time we are kind and loving.”

Your children are witnessing this? On a regular basis - enough such that they “can’t stand how he talks to you.”

Perhaps you need to consider leaving a little more seriously than you have considered it before... this is not healthy for you or your children. 

[Indigo Night]

I validate his feelings. I change to make him happy. Where did I say I don't validate his feelings? He changes facts so that I'm always wrong.

He starts the fights, not me! I try to diffuse him so we can work things out.

My being blamed for his actions is almost funny. You have to be in my house to see exactly how false that is.

I own my faults, and work to fix them.

 

I was in a low spot when I wrote this. I really wish I hadn't now. Not because I can't accept my part I can and have for 22 years. I've been in therapy multiple times. I'm aware of what issues I have. He's not!

[Indigo Night]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Kindly, this seems a little more serious than “99% of the time we are kind and loving.”

Your children are witnessing this? On a regular basis - enough such that they “can’t stand how he talks to you.”

Perhaps you need to consider leaving a little more seriously than you have considered it before... this is not healthy for you or your children. 

My kids are adults. He wasn't like this when they were younger. It's gotten substantially worse.

[Indigo Night]

Thank you for the sincere replies trying to help me. I truly appreciate them. I will take your advice to heart.

How do I get this thread closed? I am tired of defending myself for things I don't do.  

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, Indigo Night said:

My kids are adults. He wasn't like this when they were younger. It's gotten substantially worse.

I’m very sorry. I didn’t realize your children were adults.

I’m still very concerned for you. Please take care. 

 

Edited April 14, 2021 by BaileyB

[Indigo Night]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I’m very sorry. I didn’t realize your children were adults.

I’m still very concerned for you. Please take care. 

 

Thank you. My husband is not physically violent, in any way. 

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, Indigo Night said:

Thank you. My husband is not physically violent, in any way. 

I hear what you are saying, you don’t feel that your physical safety is at risk. I wonder if bruises might heal faster than the damage he is doing with his words. What he is doing is more insidious. 

I know that you said you’ve tried marriage counselling? Have you ever been for individual counselling? Would you consider if? 

PS ) If you want to close the discussion, I would hit flag and ask the moderators to close the discussion. 

Edited April 14, 2021 by BaileyB

[Indigo Night]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I hear what you are saying, you don’t feel that your physical safety is at risk. I wonder if bruises might heal faster than the damage he is doing with his words. What he is doing is more insidious. 

I know that you said you’ve tried marriage counselling? Have you ever been for individual counselling? Would you consider if? 

PS ) If you want to close the discussion, I would hit flag and ask the moderators to close the discussion. 

Yes, I've been in IC on and off for 5+ years. Thank you.

Yes, the words take their toll. I've been physically abused severely in the past, and it healed faster than the damage words can do.

I appreciate your helpful replies.