Lost boyfriend following death of his mother

[Alisa]

Members

1 post

Posted 1 hour ago

Good morning,

I am a newby here on the site and am reaching out in hopes of some clarity.  I have been reading the posts and it just all seems to clear when we read the trials of others, but when we are in the thick of it ...  all seems so cloudy and confusing.  I'm going to make my story brief and will anxiously await responses which I hope will provide some comfort.  

After a 20 year marriage and a couple unsuccessful relationships I found myself in a relationship with a younger man. I initially rejected the idea, however, after much pushing and convincing from him I decided to relax and just let fate take its course. We both had a much different course in life, however, I was not and am not judgmental and am a true nurturer so when he moved in I was not concerned but a bit swept off my feet thinking "how romantic".  He ended his job selling used cars saying it was a dead end job and I was happy to support his choice both emotionally and financially suggesting he take the time to build a "career".  Prior to moving in with me he had been living at home with his mom and did not have transportation. We began sharing my car until I purchased a second car.  Unfortunately, he had accidents with both leaving us with one car again and still no progress towards a job or career.  He played video games all night and slept all day while I supported him and his "habits" and went to work every day.  I began to see him blaming me for his lack of forward movement for some reason and tensions grew along with arguments and periods of great silence. He said he never asked for money but I paid for everything and never asked for him to participate.  I was close with his mom and also some of his family and they were very supportive of me with him and often said he had really changed for the better.  As I began to question and suggest he developed a cold side and very sharp edge with me. Right up to the end I paid for everything and bought him new phones along with other things.  He began to say he needed a car of his own and wanted me to buy it.  At this point he had been moving in and out after our fights but also returned. I did not feel comfortable buying a car for a man who didn't even live with me or made any commitment.  He said I was selfish only thinking of myself and how could I ask him for a "normal relationship" when I couldn't even get him a car.  We continued to see each other off and on and he would disappear for days and weeks sometimes. Definitely not a relationship on solid ground.

Suddenly his mom got sick and I began to help with her situation with doctors and getting her supplies, etc. until one night he calls me up and tells me his mother passed away two days ago. I was shocked and hurt he didn't even reach out to me. He hung up quickly and when I reached out again he rejected my offer for support and help and essentially "dumped me".  Of course I craved answers and wondered if maybe now he might have some money and the house she owned and just didn't need me any more. I just needed answers and I knew that wouldn't happen. He never choose to converse he just shut down most of the time. Oddly enough, a week after the death I get a text with pictures of his tax papers and not words, however, I knew he was wanting me to do his taxes... we had discussed this a couple weeks prior.  What a strange thing to do... ask a girl you broke up with to do your taxes... I thought.  Then many hours later he text thank you.  I have stopped reaching out to him and I just replied "you are welcome" where I usually would begin "begging" for resolution.

Now, of course, I have begun to build in my mind maybe I didn't do enough and maybe if I had bought that car for him things would be different. I ask the same questions we all ask... why no closure and why cut out of your life during a time of sorrow a person who loves you and you are suppose to love? Needless to say days and nights are painful and truly taking a toll on me.

I have become secluded and absolutely feeling hopeless for the future. Looking forward to replies.  

Alisa

[FMW]

This guy took advantage of your generosity and used you for support, financial and emotional.  He then manipulated you and made you feel guilty for not providing even more support.  It's really appalling.  

Cutting off the support and letting him go was the smart and healthy thing to do.  His actions and words to you were not those of someone who loved you.  His disappearing on you when you wouldn't give him even more speaks loud and clear.  You are lucky to be free from this drain on your finances and emotions.      

Work on recognizing your self worth and recognizing that you are worthy of being loved and treated well. Try counseling if you have the resources and access, or even just do some reading on the topic.  Spend time with friends or family who are supportive and loving to you. Don't stay isolated.  The future can and will hold promise for you if you do these things and have absolutely no further contact with him.       

[Alisa]

Thank you so much!!!!!!!!  I truly appreciate your words and your insight.  I don't "sugar coat" things and I know I'm not perfect and there are always two sides to every story. However, I think I subconsciously knew it was not a healthy relationship and being the kind of woman that wants to "take care" of her man I tend to fall into these situations.  I always felt so sad because he was always so hard on me and showed almost no compassion towards how I felt or my needs, but time just led me to blame myself.  I will read and reread your message many times especially during my weak moments.

I am a school teacher and do have good insurance so I will take your advice and reach out for some counseling/intervention.  I don't have a true support structure as I only have my son and family have passed.  I will ABSOLUTELY not reach out to him as you suggest even knowing I will have those moments that are excruciating. 

Peace and love...

Alisa

[glows]

He used you through and through. I would not get back into the dating world so soon either. Not only did he take advantage of you, he seems to behave as if he is entitled to what you provide. These traits aren't easily changed about a person so think twice if you start to feel down or if you start to feel like treating him differently will change him as a person. It won't. 

What I find most helpful is reviewing what traits and types of character I admire in others. I think long and hard about that as I want more of that in my life, as opposed to just accepting what comes my way. 

Somewhere along the way you thought this type of man was acceptable ..but why? Go over this and keep taking a good look at what you accept or don't accept in a partner. 

Remove any contact with individuals who no longer help forward you in any way or grow. 

 

[Alisa]

Thank you for your insight!  The more I ponder this the more I question myself and did I do enough.  I feel he convinced me that I didn't do anything and what I did was just what was expected of me.  There were so many things he revealed after he moved in and I accepted them ALL.  Many things that were bad and questionable but I didn't judge and loved him in spite of it all.  I never thought I was better than him but he always would tell me that I thought I was special and that he didn't need me and that I was treating him like a "toy".

I agree... I have no desire to connect with anyone at this point.  I do worry about how I need to seclude myself. I have no desire or interest and just want to cry.  

His personality was tough and his behaviors supported his indifference towards me.  For example, I was in the hospital for a week and he NEVER came to visit even though he was living with me and driving my car.  Red flags... many... but I chose to ignore them.  Now I'm suffering the consequences. I will take your advice and do a true reflection and try to make the future a better one.

Thank you so much!    Peace and love...

Alisa

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Alisa said:

Now, of course, I have begun to build in my mind maybe I didn't do enough and maybe if I had bought that car for him things would be different. I ask the same questions we all ask... why no closure and why cut out of your life during a time of sorrow a person who loves you and you are suppose to love?

You didn't do enough?  You supported this lazy freeloader for a long time & it was very expensive for you.  If anything you did too much.  

Sales in only a dead end career for people who suck at sales.  There is so much potential there.  If I didn't see dozens of resumes being filed daily that guy would have been tossed out of my life 30 days after he quit his job.  Been there; done that; have the hole in my bank account to prove it.  If my live in BF didn't come to visit me in the hospital he would have been out on his a$$ the day I got home if not before.  

You get closure from yourself not him.  When mommy died he probably got an inheritance.  He doesn't need you any more. 

Girl, you dodged a bullet. 

Now you need to address why you have such little self esteem that you think you should have done more for this ingrate.  

[Sun Seeker]

He is a freeloading loser who has no clue how to treat a woman and you need him out of your life completely.

This was a blessing for you, so you can find a man, not a boy.

[Alisa]

I so appreciate your honesty and directness!!  Yes... thousands of dollars later I totally agree I wasted it all!  He saw an easy target and I fell for all the lines and now your right.. he probably has some money and dropped me like a load of wasted crap.  I'll never see any of his money. I should have been stronger and I would be a lot happier today and less money issues thanks to him.  I guess I also am angry that he gets money now and I end up suffering.

You have really helped me ... I feel for the moment stronger!!!!!  I do need to work on my self esteem.

You are very smart and strong...   Thank you.

Peace and love...

Alisa

[Alisa]

Punterxx... Thank you!!!!!!!!!

He did use me and I accepted all his shortcomings...  drinking, gambling, health issues, drugs... you name it.... he had it.  

His treatment was awful of me and I need the push to keep remembering it and not looking at it all as so wonderful.

Your words are very helpful.

Peace and love...

Alisa

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, Alisa said:

I guess I also am angry that he gets money now and I end up suffering.

He may have money now but he will blow through it & be back to broke quickly.  You on the other hand have a steady job & the skills to earn money.  You can earn back when you lost & be stronger & smarter for having been through this experience.  You now can more easily identify the red flags & you will no longer put up with them.  

[notbroken]

This guy is a user and a net taker in life (vs a giver/producer).  He used his Mom for support then you.  He'll run out of money in short order and go on to use other women.   Don't sign up for that again - from him or anyone else.  Find someone that is a net giver/producer in life instead of a net taker.    

[Alisa]

Thank you notbroken!!!!!  Your advice is perfect and very true...  he did use me and his mom and while I feel some resentment I should see that his actions just shouted the kind of man... and I use that word loosely... he is and always will be.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts with me.  I am blessed to have this support community as I have no family to lean on.

Peace and love...

Alisa

[Alisa]

Thank you d0nnivain!!!  I really appreciate your words and time to post to me.  It helps to be shaken and open my eyes...  to the reality of all this and yes... I must not ignore red flags again.  I like that you point out that I can earn back the loss of my money... I love my career as a middle school teacher and I'm blessed that I have that in my life.  While he depends on taking from others and live a very broken life I can say that I live a very normal and peaceful and satisfying life.  He used to always say I had a boring life when I used to say getting a regular paycheck is much better than scheming through life.  I will take your words to heart and be better for it as I rebuild my strength both emotionally and physically and put my life back together.  

Peace and love...

Alisa

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Alisa said:

The more I ponder this the more I question myself and did I do enough.  I feel he convinced me that I didn't do anything and what I did was just what was expected of me. 

And that's the point at which you should ask yourself about the converse: What did he do for you? What did you expect of him? Did he fulfill your expectations?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Alisa said:

Members

1 post

Posted 1 hour ago

a week after the death I get a text with pictures of his tax papers and not words, however, I knew he was wanting me to do his taxes..

Sorry this happened. Deaths often bring old flames back. Tell him to hire a CPA, tax preparation cost is tax deductible anyway. You dodged a bullet.

[Alisa]

Acacia98... Yes!!  I should be directing my thoughts to those questions, and I truly get frustrated at myself for being so weak when it comes to relationships.  I honestly know that I don't expect much... I hear myself always saying that as long as a man is faithful I'm good but in reality that is probably telling the man that I have no expectations and that leaves the door open for a lot of misinterpretations.  I just felt that if I was supportive in every way and nonjudgmental he would be satisfied and appreciate his life with me and not want to mess it up.  However, just the opposite happened.  He made me feel that I just was not doing enough and was selfish and that gave him the opening to manipulate me.  He always professed that he was a great guy and I'd never find another like him.  Believe me there were so many other questionable things he did that led me to believe he was not honest and faithful and dedicated to me, but I know that I ignored those red flags too.  Shame on me.  I so appreciate your words and they do give me strength during this time that I feel very vulnerable and weak.  Thank you!!!!

Peace and love...

Alisa

[Alisa]

Wiseman2.. you made me laugh... thank you so much!!!!  I definitely won't be doing his taxes!!!!  LOL. I have received many amazing replies but one seems to be repeated... "I dodged a bullet".     I need to begin to realize that what I see as a loss is actually my gain.  I was being devoured both financially and emotionally affecting my health and my career.  Thank you so much!!!!!!!!

Peace and love...

Alisa

[glows]

This is just a thought so please feel free to correct me if it's left field. I think that you have treated him as you might have treated one of your students - spent energy trying to direct him to a better life and encouraged him to do the right thing, providing resources where needed and also continued to provide feedback to him like a teacher would. This is your nature and I can only imagine what an amazing teacher you are in school to those students. 

Dating is an entirely different beast. If you aren't comfortable with all your shortcomings and limitations, chances are there are people out there who will take advantage of you. It's a matter of time before you run into them or they run into you or a person whom you once thought was ok to date senses that you are a doormat. 

I don't think you should seclude yourself. This is in reference to one of your posts above, in response to mine. Spend more time with family and friends, trusted people who know you and value you. Let go of people like this and learn to filter filter filter. 

Once this guy is out of your life it's upwards from there. Keep the no-goods out.

Edited April 13, 2021 by glows

[Alisa]

glows... Yes! You are correct on ALL levels and thank you for the kind words.  I do know that my nature is to "fix" and I feel great satisfaction when I can be there for someone especially someone I love.  I agree that I need to separate this quality and realize that relationships are unique and the adult ones are much different from ones we share with our kids... both family and students (in my case).  I just wanted to believe that if I did the right thing and was selfless it would be appreciated and recognized.  This guy did take advantage and was very comfortable seeing me in pain emotionally and enjoyed inflicting stress.  Being in control was how he always needed to be.  I agree that I tend to be a magnet for these kinds of relationships so it is critical I do what you suggest... FILTER.  I know I already feel hopeful just reading your input and all the posts thus far.  I will surround myself with "real" people.  I just need to be able to recognize them.  

Pease and love...

Alisa

[Dis]

Omg I'm horrified! 

 

It's almost like you adopted a spoiled, entitled man child

 

You did nothing wrong here except to allow him to use you! 

 

I think you would really benefit from some introspection as to why you would chose a 'partner' like this when you seem to have so much going for you. Please boost yourself up and love yourself so you never put yourself in a position like this again. The next time you date, date your equal! Date someone who takes care of you in the same ways and on the same level you take care of them. Never settle for less than that again. 

 

You seem so sweet and so giving. Pleaseeee don't take this as a loss! Take this as a gain because you just lost a very heavy dead weight who wasn't doing anything for you. Take this as closing a door so a bigger and better one can open because that's what this is if you date more wisely next time.

 

(((hugs)))  

[Alisa]

DIS!!!!  Thank you!!!  Thank you!!!  You are so amazing to take the time to share your passion about my crazy situation.  You are spot on when it comes to your description of this guy and I was drowning in sorrow because I thought I truly did not do enough and I shouldn't have ever said no to him which definitely resonates like a parent speaking to al child.  He made me believe that just because he was physically present I should consider myself lucky to have him.  I don't hold myself on a pedestal and I don't judge but I also don't receive much from a boyfriend because I allow them to make all the rules.  I am not confrontational so I would rather give in then push to a fight or worse... silence and no connection which happened anyway over time with this guy.  I felt so rejected because I couldn't understand how a guy with absolutely nothing to contribute to a relationship saw me as a waste of time and so easy to just walk away from.  It eats me up inside.  I will read and reread your words when I find myself low and struggling.  I am so grateful because I don't have a support structure and weak moments are not good when you find yourself alone.

Peace and love...

Alisa

[d0nnivain]

11 minutes ago, Alisa said:

I felt so rejected because I couldn't understand how a guy with absolutely nothing to contribute to a relationship saw me as a waste of time and so easy to just walk away from.  It eats me up inside. 

You need to work on your self esteem.  That is the heart of why you put up with this. 

I think you said you were a middle school teacher.  Look at your relationships like your classrooms.  You are in change.  You have boundaries.  The students can't just do what they want, when they want.  At the teacher you establish the schedule & the curriculum.  You enforce the rules.  You don't let your kids run rough shod over you in the classroom, do you?   Of course not.  It's no different with a relationship.  Behavior that would be intolerable in the classroom can't be countenanced at home.  Your students have to do their homework / any man you date has to have a job & contribute around the house.  Kids can't bully each other or talk nasty to one another / your BF should follow the same rules.  There's a time & place for everything.    

[Alisa]

Wow!!!  I love the connections you have made d0nnivain.  Thank you so much.  I always have said I am unbeatable when it comes to my career but my personal life has a weak foundation.  I do know that I must have a  low self-esteem which allows me to be manipulated because I feel as if that is what I deserve or possibly I think I'll never find another to love me to I just accept anything.  I also tend to question my own principals begin to succumb to the will of my man thinking that maybe I am too much of something or not enough of something else.  I also like the word "bully" because I always did feel that he was bullying me, in fact, one time I actually said that to him and told him I wasn't going to let him bully me into submission.  I had moments of strength but they didn't last very long.  He had convinced me that just because he was physically there laying around the house that I should be grateful and that I'd never find another as great as he was.  After a while I came to believe those theories which just made things worse for me and gave him more leverage.  He also would use the fact that I was older than him to say I just didn't understand and that I his way was the only and right way of thinking.

Thank you so much for your words and support!!  I will most definitely need them during my weak times.

Peace and love...

Alisa

[glows]

11 minutes ago, Alisa said:

He also would use the fact that I was older than him to say I just didn't understand and that I his way was the only and right way of thinking.

I singled out this part as it usually signals insecurity in a person. Being unable to see different points of view or consider different perspectives is not an advantage. It's a weakness and it can be improved on. Confidence is one thing but having tunnel-vision is not good. 

I would venture to say also that he has a lot of issues of self-worth too. Both of you were like with like in some respects and attracted each other in your similarities. The difference is that one of you uses that to his advantage and the other provided the opportunities. 

 

[Alisa]

So eloquently said glows!  Thank you.

It is so true how we see someone else's behavior as a strength when it truly is a controlling element.  I always respected his views and tried to never discredit him, but the harder I tried to resolve and compromise the worse it became. I see that possibly he was breaking me down to build his own confidence and allow him to control my mind which in turn controlled my reactions and actions.

Thank you so much for the reply.  I find myself in very weak moments struggling and this truly helps me get through it without that draining desire to reach out to him which I cannot do!!!!!

Peace and love.

Alisa