Am I being too sensitive here?

[curlygirl40]

Hi.   Looking for some strangers on the internet to tell me if my feelings are normal.  How is your day?   lol   

I'm in a relationship going on 4 years.   We just bought a house together, things are going well.     Overall we have a great relationship, he's like a best friend, great guy, caring, kind, funny, all of the things.   

Something that I have never been able to get over is that he still sometimes talks to his ex wife.   

For back story.    They met and married very quickly.  He was madly in love, didn't want to lose her, acted WAY too quickly IMO.   He didn't even really know her, they met online.   She had a daughter.  He's still fairly close to the now adult daughter  (his step daughter of course) although neither of them are good at communication so they will go months without talking.   But you can tell she has a lot of affection for my bf, she wrote him a beautiful letter when my bf and her mother divorced, etc.    

They were married 10 years.   She cheated on him and left him for another man.   From everything I have heard from his friends, and some from him, she was not very nice to him.  Belittled him, they fought constantly.   This surprises me because he's not a fighter but I think eventually he just fought back.  

Anyway, so.....   She treated him cruely, she cheated on him, she left him for another man.  We've been together almost 4 years and he will still occasionally reach out to her to see how she's doing.  I HATE this.  It makes me feel uneasy, insecure and all of that.    Also, it bothers me because from everything that I have heard about her, she is probably getting off on the fact that she could treat this man so horribly and cheat on him and leave him for another man and even though she knows he has a gf, he will still sometimes just text her to see how she's doing.   

I trust him 100%.   I just don't understand it and it hurts me.    He's a nice guy, I understand if she texts him and asks him for advice (which happens sometimes due to the field of work he's in) that he would answer her.   I also understand if they are talking about her daughter who has been having issues lately.   But this isn't that.  This is just basic 'hey saw this and thought of you'  and things like that.   

We always talk through it.  The communication between us is great.    I always leave the conversation feeling like I'm overreacting.   But am I?    

[d0nnivain]

I would not be happy if my BF was taking affirmative steps to stay in touch with his EX wife.  It would be one thing if the daughter was their shared child & she was little.  This is him wanting her back, IMO.  Sounds like he'd take her back & you are the place holder.  That really sucks because you are financially tied to this man through the house you co-own.  Frankly you were foolish to co-mingle your money with this guy while the EX was still in the picture.  So now you either blow this all up or you stay in a relationship where you are 2nd choice.  

[FMW]

I don't think you're overreacting. 

But I think it's possible he does NOT want to have any romantic/sexual involvement with her, if that's your concern.  But he may still feel some attachment and affection for her, especially since he did share her daughter with her for several years.  

I most definitely don't want my ex-husband to be in my life anymore and I have zero romantic/sexual interest in him.  But in addition to responding to his occasional text to me,  I do still text him on holidays and his birthday because I know he doesn't have a lot of people in his life he's close to.  I also sent him a text a few months ago about something I saw in the local paper that I knew he would be very interested in knowing about.   

What does he say when you talk about it?    

Edited April 13, 2021 by FMW

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, curlygirl40 said:

  They were married 10 years.    We've been together almost 4 years and he will still occasionally reach out to her to see how she's doing.  I HATE this.

That's ok. You don't have to like it. It seems like your BF loves you and is with you and his ex-wife and stepdaughter know about you/his life now.

 He's not slinking around, he's out in the open about it. He's not chitchatting constantly as if still attached at the hip.

There doesn't seem to be a reason to be threatened. However no one likes exes in their current partner's life however common that is. If all else is ok, consider this just one of "this part sucks, but the rest is ok" part of just about every relationship out there.

[curlygirl40]

He would say that this is just who he is, he's just being nice and trying to maintain some sort of cordial relationship so that it will help keep him in touch with her daughter.    

In his defense, yes, this is who he is.   He doesn't hold grudges at all, he has stayed friends with all of his exes, he has this friendship with a couple that IMO were hot and cold as friends for 20 years.  He'll say 'they do that sometimes, whatever, not my problem, when they want to be friends again they will be back in touch'.   (this is him talking about the past friendship he had with this couple, not the current friendship which is pretty non existent, long story I made another thread about them a bit ago).     These people are useless and I would have dropped them years ago.   Just not nice people.   But he doesn't hold grudges and he just doesn't care.   He has a sort of 'I'm not going to let someone else rent space in my head' type of attitude.   

So again, in his defense, this is just who he is.     He has a handful of really great guy friends from HS and I have become friends with them and their wives, great people.   All of these woman have, at some point, bad mouthed her and also said something about how my bf is 'way too nice' and 'keeps people around longer than he should'.   So this is a pattern.  We are in our 50's just for context.   

We have had this conversation a ton in the past 4 years.   He's always very understanding when we talk, he doesn't get angry or upset with me.   He will apologize and say he didn't know he was hurting me.   He genuinely listens.    But I will never like it and never understand it.   

[curlygirl40]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. You don't have to like it. It seems like your BF loves you and is with you and his ex-wife and stepdaughter know about you/his life now.

 He's not slinking around, he's out in the open about it. He's not chitchatting constantly as if still attached at the hip.

There doesn't seem to be a reason to be threatened. However no one likes exes in their current partner's life however common that is. If all else is ok, consider this just one of "this part sucks, but the rest is ok" part of just about every relationship out there.

I read much of their entire thread starting from last September.   I was using his phone as a hot spot at the new house then saw her name on a text and had to look.   He wasn't once upset that I looked at their entire conversation.   I have the code to his phone and he knows it.   I use it quite a bit as a hot spot.   There was no flirting, nothing inappropriate.    Twice in that time (8 months) he reached out to her, the rest was her asking him questions (about 3x in these 8 months) and him just answering her.     

Did I mention I just don't like it?   lol    

Thank you 

[d0nnivain]

I can be cordial to EXs.  I worry about people who take a salt the earth policy toward people they used to date just because they broke up.  I am nice to them when I bump into them but I don't stay in routine contact.  The only times I have reach out or had EXs reach out to me were around deaths.  We live & work in a relative small community to that news travels.  People send condolences, but we don't take affirmative steps to keep in touch.  

I get that he's a go with the flow guy which is nice but since his contact with his EX bothers you so much, if he cares for you he needs to be willing to put your feelings 1st & dial it back.  

[glows]

It doesn't sound like there's anything sinister going on and you knew about their friendship or friendships with his exes prior to buying a place or starting a life together. The only question I have is why can't she Google or ask someone else about those occasional issues or questions she has about work? 

Part of my reasoning goes to the idea that past a relationship, there should be some independence from an ex, less reliance and dependency on that other person. 

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, curlygirl40 said:

Hi.   Looking for some strangers on the internet to tell me if my feelings are normal.

Anyway, so.....   She treated him cruely, she cheated on him, she left him for another man.  We've been together almost 4 years and he will still occasionally reach out to her to see how she's doing.  I HATE this.  It makes me feel uneasy, insecure and all of that.   

I trust him 100%.   I just don't understand it and it hurts me.    He's a nice guy, I understand if she texts him and asks him for advice (which happens sometimes due to the field of work he's in) that he would answer her.   I also understand if they are talking about her daughter who has been having issues lately.   But this isn't that.  This is just basic 'hey saw this and thought of you'  and things like that.     

If you did trust him 100%, this wouldn't make you insecure. Maybe you trust 100% that he isn't doing anything with her right now and isn't very likely to.

HOWEVER, I think your feelings are normal. It's not normal to trust someone 100% in all and every circumstance, and talking to an ex repeatedly can easily be one of those circumstances for very valid reasons.

The questions are really do you trust him enough to not worry too much about this and do you think he has any intention of ever going back to her should the opportunity come up.

If you can (or can get yourself, and him, to that point) then I think this becomes a non-issue.

Insisting he stop because it bothers you isn't crazy IMO. You are experiencing this as a threat and he can find other friends, if he really wants to talk to someone. It doesn't have to be her.

[SaraSays]

17 hours ago, curlygirl40 said:

We always talk through it.

Could you please give some examples from those conversations of what you both say about it to each other, and how the conversations are resolved?

[curlygirl40]

13 hours ago, SaraSays said:

Could you please give some examples from those conversations of what you both say about it to each other, and how the conversations are resolved?

Well I will try.  It's never an argument, always a discussion.   It usually starts with me being upset about something and trying to talk myself through it and him noticing that I'm upset and wanting to talk about whatever is bothering me.  The other night he said 'What's going on hun?' and I just said 'I don't know where to start' and he said 'Start at the beginning'.     I tell him what's bugging me.  I tell him I don't understand his wanting to be in touch with her and this time around, I told him I needed to understand it, that he needed to say something to me that made sense to me because I just don't get it.   He will never get upset with me or angry but he will also always defend himself.   He'll say things like 'that's just how I am, I'm just being me, there was nothing inappropriate said.  I don't even have to look at my phone and read the conversations without knowing that I didn't say anything inappropriate.   I wouldn't do that'.   This time around I told him that it hurts me and that I think he needs to close that chapter of his life.    Honestly, he is friends with at least 2 other exes that I have met in person at events.   He has never badmouthed any ex of his.   This is just 'him being him'.     However my hangup with this one is a long story.   He didn't want the divorce, he fought hard to get her to stay, etc.     Now he will tell anyone that he is so happy with me and that his wanting her to stay around was just his fear of change.    She treated him horribly and cheated on him and left him for a man who she is still with.    To me, you close that door.    I get being friends when things end a little more amicably, or when you have kids together, etc.     But this I will never understand.

Anyway.....So he will always tell me how much he loves me and he didn't mean to hurt me.  But like I said, at the same time he will defend himself and he will not apologize if he doesn't think he did anything wrong.      If I apologize to him for being sensitive, he will always say something like 'don't apologize for having feelings' or 'that's one of the things I like about you' or something.    Typically the next day I will ruminate a bit about my feelings and bring the subject up again when I feel like maybe I have it more straight in my head.   

So in some ways I feel like we resolve it because we talk about it and end the discussion with both of us feeling like we were being heard.  But yet with this particular discussion, we of course don't agree on some things.   I would prefer he didn't keep in touch with her and he doesn't think there's any harm in it as there isn't anything inappropriate going on.   

This past weekend after we talked, the next day he brought me flowers because he knew I was still a bit sad.

Overall I leave the conversation feeling heard even though I know nothing has really been resolved, if that makes sense.   

[curlygirl40]

On 4/13/2021 at 7:27 PM, mark clemson said:

If you did trust him 100%, this wouldn't make you insecure. Maybe you trust 100% that he isn't doing anything with her right now and isn't very likely to.

HOWEVER, I think your feelings are normal. It's not normal to trust someone 100% in all and every circumstance, and talking to an ex repeatedly can easily be one of those circumstances for very valid reasons.

The questions are really do you trust him enough to not worry too much about this and do you think he has any intention of ever going back to her should the opportunity come up.

If you can (or can get yourself, and him, to that point) then I think this becomes a non-issue.

Insisting he stop because it bothers you isn't crazy IMO. You are experiencing this as a threat and he can find other friends, if he really wants to talk to someone. It doesn't have to be her.

Very good points thank you.   

I'm going to say something that might not make much sense.    I honestly don't think he would take her back if she were to come back.   I don't feel like he would ever leave me for her.  I feel very loved in this relationship, we have a great life together.     I don't feel threatened by her in that way.   

I think my issue is that I want all of him in this relationship.  And if I only have 'part of his heart' because he really hasn't resolved the feelings he had for her or how painful the divorce was for him, then I feel like I don't have all of him.    That is what makes me insecure.

It's probably a fairy tale at the age of 50 to feel like I want to be the love of his life, the best thing to have happened to him, his one.   But I guess that's how I feel.  And if he's hanging on to any part of her or their marriage, then I feel threatened by those emotions.   Not by the thought of him leaving or of her coming back, etc.   

I feel confident that eventually these feelings will subside, I know I have to work on it and some of it is situational as we are in the process of selling the house they shared together and I'm a bit on edge with him going through things in the basement and finding things she didn't take, things that belonged to her daughter, things that should have been dealt with years ago.   So I'm a bit on edge in general and I'm seeing everything through that filter.      I really appreciate your input

[curlygirl40]

On 4/13/2021 at 3:16 PM, FMW said:

 

What does he say when you talk about it?    

Sorry I'm just seeing this reply.  I typed a detailed reply to Sarasays which sums it up.    Thanks!!

[glows]

The way I'm reading it is that you don't trust his logic. It's wobbly and not as transparent or solid as you'd like. If she's that kind of woman, why does he still accept that type of influence in his life. That, to me, would potentially be a character flaw because that person doesn't have enough boundaries. Keeping a toxic or negative person in one's life is counterproductive to moving forward. (This isn't even touching the fact that she's an ex, at all.)

Regardless of how you work through this or what happens there are two things that are clear to me: 1) that you remain in the relationship is confirmation to him that what he's doing is acceptable and 2) continuing to tell him your feelings especially how sad you are about her presence also reads to me as guilting or emotional blackmail if these discussions keep happening often enough. He doesn't agree with you and you keep bringing it up. The end result is sadness between the both of you because of that disagreement. It doesn't get resolved.

It's good that you both can communicate this way but if it's a constant issue or ongoing problem, I think you need to really figure whether this guy is for you or whether you are wishing he were someone different. 

Quote

I think my issue is that I want all of him in this relationship.  And if I only have 'part of his heart' because he really hasn't resolved the feelings he had for her or how painful the divorce was for him, then I feel like I don't have all of him.    That is what makes me insecure.

It's probably a fairy tale at the age of 50 to feel like I want to be the love of his life, the best thing to have happened to him, his one.   But I guess that's how I feel.  And if he's hanging on to any part of her or their marriage, then I feel threatened by those emotions.   Not by the thought of him leaving or of her coming back, etc. 

I don't think this is unrealistic either, by the way. If you're going to choose to be with someone long term, he better be the love of your life. Why settle for less? Those feelings/misgivings towards his ex might fade in the future also after the sale of the house and once things calm down.

 

 

Edited April 15, 2021 by glows

[IslandSanctuary]

I think it's strange. Everyone seems to have different boundaries on these topics but he seems way up the lax end. Start going out to the movies or to the bar with a guy friend every fortnight and if he questions it: "Well we've never had sex or been in love, we are REALLY just friends." Ramp up the level of communication and connection until it bothers him. 
When you start playing tit for tat like this things generally go downhill quickly. But it may make him realize what a tool he is being. 

Personally I don't like having to show that I can do this and prefer to find someone I can just talk it out with and have similar opposite sex friend boundaries. If you have to play tit for tat and it changes their behaviour it shows they are a 'boundary pusher' and basically selfish. 

Behaviour is what earns trust. You dont trust a person, you trust their behaviour over time. "Oh honey I'm just out to the brothel with $500 and a 12 pack of beers, not going to F anyone. I know you TRUST ME." Lol. 
Expert psychiatric advice is that people fall into affairs by having poor boundaries. Most people never intend the 'friendship' to become an affair. It slowly happens over time, and they slip from stage to stage. 
"Don't you TRUST ME?!?!?!?!" is a BS selfish statement right up there with "We are just friends!" 
No I don't trust a man that keep his exes around. 

Although they do not like to admit it, the people that have a lot of opposite sex friends, even with basic boundaries like 'no one on one activities' or 'almost no online messaging' and 'no discussing the marriage' still are flirting with danger in a way. It's like saying "I peaked in highschool and my social life and drinks are more important than having an iron clad relationship with my no1" 

Edited April 15, 2021 by IslandSanctuary

[Caauug]

5 hours ago, curlygirl40 said:

I don't feel threatened by her in that way.   

I think my issue is that I want all of him in this relationship.  And if I only have 'part of his heart' because he really hasn't resolved the feelings he had for her or how painful the divorce was for him, then I feel like I don't have all of him.    That is what makes me insecure.

You are not feeling threatened, you are sure he would not take her back, she has a SO..... You are happy (except for this), he is happy, even the ex sounds happy.... The rest is their history, and you can't change that!!!

I see the ex or his R with her just an excuse, if it wasn't her it would be someone/something else. IMO this is a power or control issue you have, maybe even class it as a crap test. As in "How strong is he with keeping his R with other people?" or maybe "Does he value me over his R with his ex or friends?" You want to see how easy you can manipulate him? You may not even know the real reason why you have an issue here... It's a test to find out how strong he is mentally with his values. (valuing friendship)

Go ahead and tell me I am wrong, but please explain why you have an issue when there is no issue???

 

[Wiseman2]

You realize he's compartmentalizing, no?

That means his past is in an archived folder. Sealed off from his current life with you and his feelings for you.

That's a good thing. The " my life now and I love my GF" folder is the one he's operating in.

Perhaps you could view this as a chapter in his life. It can be never be completely erased because they have a child. Who'll get married, have kids etc.

Try to do the same. Compartmentalize. Sever your relationship with him from the other chapters in his life. Don't harp on this and ruin it.

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, curlygirl40 said:

I feel confident that eventually these feelings will subside, I know I have to work on it and some of it is situational as we are in the process of selling the house they shared together and I'm a bit on edge with him going through things in the basement and finding things she didn't take, things that belonged to her daughter, things that should have been dealt with years ago.   So I'm a bit on edge in general and I'm seeing everything through that filter.      I really appreciate your input

Very fair way to look at it.

It's also not "out of bounds" to ask that he keep out of touch with her after this process is over IMO. So he can be more "all yours" or at least she's out of your hair.

[Acacia98]

8 hours ago, IslandSanctuary said:

Although they do not like to admit it, the people that have a lot of opposite sex friends, even with basic boundaries like 'no one on one activities' or 'almost no online messaging' and 'no discussing the marriage' still are flirting with danger in a way. 

I agree to some extent. At the same time, I've noticed that guys who grew up with sisters and were close to them seem to interact easily with female friends. And girls who grew up with brothers and were close to them seem to interact easily with male friends. What outsiders may view as inappropriate friendships with members of the opposite sex may actually be friendships based on the norms developed in the context of one's sibling relationships.

[curlygirl40]

8 hours ago, Caauug said:

 

Go ahead and tell me I am wrong, but please explain why you have an issue when there is no issue???

 

Well, at the end of the day, I just don't like how it makes me feel.    I have some insecurities around certain things, I've never been a jealous person by nature but something about this woman makes my skin crawl.   She's gorgeous, thin, etc.    So sometimes I think it's not really the situation itself that I don't like, but how him keeping in contact with her makes me feel about myself.  Not worthy, less than, etc.    Those are my issues though and not his.   He is not making me feel this way, I am doing it to myself.  

He referenced me in at least 2 of their texts in the past 8 months.   Curlygirl and I just bought a house.   Curlygirl's son just had Covid, etc.    He referenced her boyfriend in one of the texts.   I really have never thought anything inappropriate was going on.   

I trust myself to leave a situation if I think it's wrong for me.   Even if that means selling a house and starting over, etc.   I'm not afraid of that and I'm not afraid to be alone.  But I'm also not thinking along that way right now at all.    

I guess you hit the nail on the head here in some ways, I am here wondering if I'm making an issue out of something that isn't really an issue.  We have a great relationship and this conversation has come up around 4 times in 4 years.   It's not a constant thing.    

To answer some of the other thoughts as well.   In addition to my fulltime job,  I work part time in the entertainment industry.  It's a very male dominated field.  He completely embraces it.  He goes to watch me perform, he has made friends with many of the guys that I work with.  He's not threatened at all.     I have exes that I'm friends with, although these are guys that I dated briefly and not the same situation as  his ex.   But I will have lunch sometimes with these guys during the work day and he has no issue with that.   We have even double dated with a guy I dated and his new girl.    One of his exes, a woman he was with for many, many years came out to see me perform with her husband and brought a bunch of friends.   He seems to just like to keep in touch with people.  

I guess the question was never 'Do you think this guy is doing me wrong?' as much as 'would this make other people uncomfortable as well?'.     

 

[Crazelnut]

Flat out ask him to stop. His response will tell you everything you need to know about his priorities.

[Caauug]

8 hours ago, curlygirl40 said:

So sometimes I think it's not really the situation itself that I don't like, but how him keeping in contact with her makes me feel about myself.  Not worthy, less than, etc.    Those are my issues though and not his.   He is not making me feel this way, I am doing it to myself.

Ok, then how can he fix it if it is your problem? If he goes NC with this ex will you then transfer your problem to the next ex in line? Will there be any end to the changes he will have to make in his friends or the people he interacts with? I see this as your self esteem problem, and he can't fix your problem by changing the people he interacts with.

I do not mean this as attack in any way, I am only try to present this another way you may not have looked at.

[MsJayne]

There is no reason to maintain contact with an ex unless there are children, (biological, or, if they're step-kids, too young to cope with sudden separation), involved, especially if the relationship was abusive.  I see this as false sentiment, maintaining a relationship with someone who treated you like crap is sappy behaviour, which I think is usually motivated by a need to deny the truth of getting into, and staying, in a bad relationship - he's trying to maintain a pretence. It's one thing being polite if he encounters her somewhere, but actively maintaining the fake connection would make me question his loyalty. If they'd parted amicably and actually did like each other a lot as people then it's a different scenario, but ringing an abusive ex just to say "Hi", smacks of torch-carrying. Also, his step-daughter is not that any more, she is now just a friend who probably holds him in high regard but who no longer needs him in her life, hence she's sporadic in her contact. It sounds like it's him clinging on to the past, not them. He needs to move on.  

[MsJayne]

9 hours ago, curlygirl40 said:

So sometimes I think it's not really the situation itself that I don't like, but how him keeping in contact with her makes me feel about myself.  Not worthy, less than, etc.    Those are my issues though and not his.   He is not making me feel this way, I am doing it to myself.  

No, it's not you, it's him. Hovering on the periphery of an ex's life when they have a new partner is bad manners, to say the least. I bet her new partner wishes her ex would bow out gracefully, and he probably doesn't appreciate her asking for her ex's advice either. You, and your relationship, are being diminished by his behaviour, hence you feel second-best. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

Flat out ask him to stop. His response will tell you everything you need to know about his priorities.

They've discussed it 4 times in 4 years each time it happened  (once a year).

I disagree harping on it is a good idea. It's also controlling to insist that infrequent contact with the mother of a shared child cease.

Unless it's just an excuse to find an arbitrary reason to end it.

There's a mention of  "she's thin and beautiful". That's more about personal demons or insecurities than inappropriate contact.

That's the place to start with this. Not dictating who people are allowed to contact.

Edited April 16, 2021 by Wiseman2