Am I being too sensitive here?

[hhy]

Been married for 21 years, have known him for 28. We have a 20, 18, 16 & 82 y.o. currently : ) and for all intent and purposes i feel very blessed.

It has not been easy. Though he is an absolute gentleman, and we allow for freedom and flexibility...we know there are boundaries you don't cross, though I have tried. We have pushed and pulled our way through thus far, and at times it seems we re still in the thick of it; makes me think human beings must be the stubbornest creatures alive.

The issue at hand is if he is considerate of you, you would feel it in your gut and bask warmly in the glow of that love, no matter how gorgeous the other ex. 

May i ask you, do you feel loved? Does he put your feelings above his own because making you happy makes him happy?

Unconditional love is extremely hard. It takes devotion. I think when you love someone you have their best interest in mind. And when you let them down, you feel tremendous remorse. Not because you have certain understandings, commitments or excuses. No ones perfect. But because you know and feel what you have is so precious that you would never want to jeopardise it.  Each of you come first for the other period. When this is a one way street, thats when problems arise. Forget about the fact that a partner is completely clueless, and flat out expects you to just accept that this is the way things are: i am who i am. 

I personally happen to want to always improve, be better, learn, grow, thrive. That may not always be possible together and yes i do believe the journey is sweeter together. But when one refuses to change and grow with you, it takes a lot of fun out of the equation, and as my aunt says, before you get married, have both eyes wide open, and after marriage, have one eye opened and one eye closed.

That may be necessary if you choose to stay with your partner, but that is the trade off. And if you dont want to drive yourself nuts and drain useless energy on something as annoying as this, then make your choice clear to him:

"If you are who you are, and this is how you must be, please be considerate enough not to do it in my presense. I am finding it really hard to deal with and it is causing a rift within me.

When we are together that time is sacred. If you have concerns i will do my best to listen. But please do not take my care, love or time, for granted."

CG40, you have the power to expend your gifts on things other than your boyfriend that will in return honor and appreciate you. Invest in what will make you grow, validate who you are, give back to you. And in return pay those who honor you the same respect. Its a two way street. Relationships between 2 people are hard enough. Why make it harder by involving another party?

This may not be the warm fuzzy feeling we all hope to believe and feel, but the harsh reality is you cant change a person. You can choose to either love and accept them for who they are, or hope you both can find a blissfully ignorant truce with one eye opened and one eye closed. 

Dont waste another second. This maybe as good as it gets, which doesnt sound too bad, unless the pain is bad enough or the desire is strong enough that you or he cant suppress the need to change.

[Woggle]

It sounds like she still has him wrapped around her finger. Maybe not in a sexual way but in some way he still feels obligated to to be nice to her. Some men just don't have it in them to put their foot down and cut off a woman who has wronged them. It is also possible that he still loves her and will go back in a heartbeat if she would take him back.

[SaraSays]

8 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Also, his step-daughter is not that any more, she is now just a friend who probably holds him in high regard but who no longer needs him in her life

Disagree, and I find this pretty chilling, as it reads as if relationships are transactional.

A decent parent of any sort, commits to a child for life. Assuming the relationship is healthy, parents of any sort and kids of any sort benefit from a life-long relationship. Not a day goes by when I don't think (as an adult) I'd love to chat this through with someone in a particular moment - I don't always have someone to lean on, but I wish I did, when I'd like to chat things through. I hope that remains so til the day I die, that I appreciate what others bring to my life.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, curlygirl40 said:

 She's gorgeous, thin, etc.    Those are my issues though and not his.   

 We have a great relationship and this conversation has come up 4 times in 4 years.   

You have great insight into this. At 50 people are going to have a past.

No, he's not inappropriate or holding a torch or cheating etc.,  etc. No tinhat here.

You're happy. Focus on that.

The "gorgeous and thin" remark indicates that you could work on your self esteem a bit.

[elaine567]

Its possible that whilst she done him wrong and cheated, he  feels kind of responsible hence the keeping in touch.
Maybe they weren't getting along, maybe he neglected her, took her for granted, or in some way pushed her to seek solace in another man.
Marriage break ups are rarely simple. The fact he fought against the divorce and begged her to stay, says something too.
There may be nothing inappropriate going on, only because she would never tolerate it...
Whatever the reason for still keeping in touch, he doesn't sound like he is going to stop for you or anyone, so you have lost that battle.
Sounds like you have to put up and shut up, or you take more drastic action...

 

[MsJayne]

10 hours ago, SaraSays said:

Disagree, and I find this pretty chilling, as it reads as if relationships are transactional.

A decent parent of any sort, commits to a child for life. Assuming the relationship is healthy, parents of any sort and kids of any sort benefit from a life-long relationship. Not a day goes by when I don't think (as an adult) I'd love to chat this through with someone in a particular moment - I don't always have someone to lean on, but I wish I did, when I'd like to chat things through. I hope that remains so til the day I die, that I appreciate what others bring to my life.

Chilling? 🙄 It's reality, the marriage is over, he is no longer her step father, he is now a friend.  What so dramatic about that? If the ex-step daughter rarely contacts him that would suggest she has a healthy attitude towards moving on and doesn't need him to play a father role in her life, she actually now has a new step-father, how many should she need? Not everyone clings to every person they form a relationship with during their life, and relationships are often transitional, not transactional.  

[curlygirl40]

Hi again

This conversation came up again (hopefully for the last time) and it made me want to go back and read through this thread and then I thought I would update, so to speak, in case it happens to help anyone else.   

 

So this was back in April that I posted this.    We have been going along nicely.  The house they shared had sold (he owned it alone, not with her, however there were still items in the house that were hers, in the basement, etc.) so this has helped that this is behind us. 

After the last conversation that we had about this (in April), he still had a bunch of things to get to her that were left at his house.   He didn't contact her even to get the stuff to her, he contacted her ex husband (the husband before him, lol) that he knew through their relationship and dropped the stuff off at his house.    It probably sounds like an odd situation but the stuff was his ex wife's but yet it was mostly decorations and stuff from his step daughter growing up and he didn't want to discard it so instead of arranging something with the ex, my bf called her ex husband, where the step daughter lives and dropped the stuff to him for his step daughter and her mother (my bf's ex) to go through.   I'm hoping that makes sense.  

Anyway, so then we were invited to this wedding and my bf's ex was invited also and this stirred up a lot of this with me again.   I started seeing a therapist to try to work out my insecurities and at the same time was dreading this wedding and it caused some conversations again about this topic about him having kept in touch with her in the past.   

Around the time that we bought the new house, his phone stopped working so he had to get a new phone.    (this will come in later)

When we talked about going to this wedding and his ex being there and me being uncomfortable around her, we had a really great honest conversation about it.   I asked him why he had been keeping in contact with her.  I just really wanted him to tell me why.    Do you miss her?  Do you still consider her a friend?  What?  Mind you, just for context, it has been about 1 year since he's reached out to her.    But it still is in the back of my mind.

So here we are, it was probably last month when the conversation came up about this wedding we were going to and me still being uncomfortable.     I asked him if he could please honestly tell me why he was wanting to keep in contact with her in the past.   He basically said he was trying to be the bigger person.   Which doesn't make sense to me but I think I see what he's trying to say.    My therapist believes that she hurt him and he's trying to show her that she didn't break him by being casual with her in conversation.   

Anyway, he said to me in that conversation that when he got the new phone, he had to enter all of his contacts in manually (long story) and he didn't enter her contact in.  He said 'I realized that being in contact with her didn't serve me and that it was hurting you'.   

The wedding was Friday night and we went and had fun mostly.  There were parts that were still hard for me but we went and made the best of it.   We left a little early because I knew the longer we stayed the more chances we would have to run into her face to face and have to talk to her.  I know it seems childish but I am still not at a place where I can share a room with her and not be bothered.   I'm not exactly sure why but that's what I'm working on with my therapist.   My bf was swinging me around on the dance floor while her new bf (the guy she left my bf for) sat at a table all by himself after dinner and watched videos on his phone.   Bazaar behavior to me but anyway.     I got the fun one.    lol   

So I'm working on my insecurities and he's done talking to her.      We are living in a house we picked out together and have started our lives here and we love it here.     That's my update.    I'm hoping this is the last time this comes up at all with us.