Buying a house on your own when you're in a relationship

[FMW]

I'm in the process of buying a house, I've rented for the past several years since selling the home I had with my ex-husband.  Anyone who knows me has heard me say I have no interest in getting married again, when the topic comes up (I don't go around just making the pronouncement!).  

When I told my mother that the offer I'd made on a house was accepted she told me that one of her friends (honestly I think it's just her) had expressed disappointment because that meant I really wasn't going to get married again.  I was talking to the guy I'm involved with about it and he said "is that what that means?".  He didn't really say it in a questioning way so I didn't make any response.  I figured he was commenting on her assumption.

A few days later I heard the text notification on my phone.  My guy was at my place and so when I checked the text I told him my realtor was sending the Contract for my signature.  He said "I guess that means you're moving forward with it".  He had just woken up, so I figured it was just his acknowledgment for hearing what I had said.

I'll discuss it with him if it seems necessary, if he makes any other comments.  I'm not really looking for what anyone thinks about what he specifically meant.  He's never specifically said he didn't want to marry again (he's a widower), but he did say once he told a friend of his to shoot him if he talked about it.  

The reason for my post is that it did make me wonder, in general, would a woman buying a house generally bother the guy she's seeing?  Does it seem to indicate some lack of her commitment to him?

Edited April 13, 2021 by FMW

[Wiseman2]

Great decision. Good investment. It's a financial decision and has zero to do with commitment.

Much worse would be co-owning with an unrelated partner. If you ever decide you wish to live with someone, one of you could always rent out for income and live with the other.

The Only people who need to approve of this is you, your accountant, your financial planner and your bank. All the rest of the opinions are judgmental antiquated noise.

[d0nnivain]

It depends on the guy.  

There was a woman on here a while back complaining that her BF was buying a house without her.  She took that to mean he wasn't committed to her & she was upset, even though they talked about her living in the house with him. 

Are you willing to give your guy a key or ask him to move in with you?  Do something to reassure him that the house is not a function of your relationship.  Show him that you still want him in your life & that your address or home ownership status doesn't change that.   

[glows]

I would think it would bother the other person if there were cracks in the relationship existing already. Otherwise, not likely. 

 

[Stupidkupid]

If me having independence from my partner bothered my partner then he would likely find himself no longer my partner.

I've been married, shared stuff and finances, I've cohabited. I'm doing none of those things again. I'm giving up my home for no one.

Hopefully he was just acknowledging this stuff rather than it bothering him but I guess you will see.

And if it is bothering him?

Edited April 13, 2021 by Stupidkupid

[glows]

I bought my first home in my late twenties when I was with a partner. We had been dating for about three years. Admittedly I did it with the idea of ending the relationship at the time as it wasn't working out. He wanted us to live together for awhile like a test run leasing a place but the thought terrified me (living with him, particularly, as in him/his person). Best decision I ever made. 

Then I got married to someone else, shared the marital home and responsibilities equally. Worst decision I ever made.

On my third home now and the most peaceful, liberating time of my life. I don't think I would be open to cohabitating again so whether it bothered someone I would be dating or not.. it wouldn't be something I'd be open to changing, to be frank.

Why not roll with it and see how things pan out? He may decide to sell his home and both of you might relocate together later. By the way, if this is something you're excited about, I'm very happy for you.

[FMW]

31 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Are you willing to give your guy a key or ask him to move in with you? 

I'm more than happy to give him a key.  I don't want to live with anyone, plus he loves his little cottage and having it just the way he likes it.  I'm happy to have him spend a lot of time at my place and to feel comfortable and at home there.

32 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

And if it is bothering him?

It wouldn't change my plans.  If I get the idea it really does bother him I'll talk to him about it and find out why.  I don't think he wants to live together or marry either, but his comments gave me pause.  

10 minutes ago, glows said:

I'm very happy for you.

Thanks!  I'm really looking forward to gardening and having friends over for cookouts in my beautifully fenced back yard.  I love my loft apartment but I really miss having an outdoor living space.   

[d0nnivain]

Just make him feel welcome in your new home & your life.  I'm sure this will be fine. 

Best wishes with the new place!  🏘️🏚️🏠🏡

[Happy Lemming]

Congrats!! Really happy for you. Great Investment.  I've been flipping homes for extra income for 30 years, best investments I've ever made have been in Real Estate.

It wouldn't bother me one bit if the woman I was dating purchased a house.  I'm sure I would pitch in with some of the repairs/updates.  If my present girlfriend wanted a home, I'd probably finance for her.  Real Estate (especially in my area) is super hot and a fantastic investment!!

The only thing I would advise you on is to create a will, so you can specify what happens to your home (just in case).  For me, my girlfriend gets my home and assets (if something should happen to me).

[Brooke02]

Uhhh if things did get serious & you changed your mind about marriage or whatever you could sell it. Its not as if you’re locked in if you buy a house.

[Lotsgoingon]

No, wouldn't bother me if I were dating a woman buying a house. I would notice it! I would think about the implications, but all that really matters is that I'm into her and she's into me. If she's only acting iffy about being with me, then yes, I might see the house purchase as a "sign."

And you don't really want to even think about this question--buy the dang house for your own good. Don't put off buying a house because you're afraid you'll scare away a guy. That's a guaranteed way of ending up disappointed in life.

I'm reminded here of a woman colleague-friend who was renting an amazing condo while I was living in a much simpler, less glam, apartment. This woman and I flirted some, but we didn't date. Looking back, what made me really comfortable at her condo was how great a host she was when I came over. I felt right at home. She was incredibly neat and organized, but she knew how to make people feel great when they visited her. Do that with your man, and you're solid. 

If he runs, he wasn't worth it anyway.

I assume home ownership is important to you. Buying (assuming you stay with this guy) sends a clear signal to the guy about what your goals are, what kind of person you are. You don't want to hide that from him. 

[Gaeta]

Congrats for the house !! 🙂 

Mothers ! rolling my eyes! 14 years ago when I got my dog my mother told me *great, now you'll never find a boyfriend again* lol

No, not at all, I would be excited for my partner to buy his own home. Make your bf feel like home with a dresser for him and his favorite in the fridge. 

[spiderowl]

It's not as though you two are engaged and have planned to get married.  If you had, then yes he would wonder what was going on.  At the moment, though, you seem to be independent agents who are enjoying time together.

As others have said, you are not stuck into staying in this house if you decided to buy a house together in the future.

I am sure if he had any concerns, he would have said something.  He might not necessarily have asked you directly what it meant but may seek reassurance that you are not planning a future without him.

Good luck with the new home!

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, FMW said:

I'm in the process of buying a house, I've rented for the past several years since selling the home I had with my ex-husband.  Anyone who knows me has heard me say I have no interest in getting married again, when the topic comes up (I don't go around just making the pronouncement!).  

When I told my mother that the offer I'd made on a house was accepted she told me that one of her friends (honestly I think it's just her) had expressed disappointment because that meant I really wasn't going to get married again.  I was talking to the guy I'm involved with about it and he said "is that what that means?".  He didn't really say it in a questioning way so I didn't make any response.  I figured he was commenting on her assumption.

A few days later I heard the text notification on my phone.  My guy was at my place and so when I checked the text I told him my realtor was sending the Contract for my signature.  He said "I guess that means you're moving forward with it".  He had just woken up, so I figured it was just his acknowledgment for hearing what I had said.

I'll discuss it with him if it seems necessary, if he makes any other comments.  I'm not really looking for what anyone thinks about what he specifically meant.  He's never specifically said he didn't want to marry again (he's a widower), but he did say once he told a friend of his to shoot him if he talked about it.  

The reason for my post is that it did make me wonder, in general, would a woman buying a house generally bother the guy she's seeing?  Does it seem to indicate some lack of her commitment to him?

I don’t know how old you are or where you live/ plan to buy a house....

eith OLD if I met a woman and found out she’s a home owner I will look at where she lives and decide to pursue or not based on that.

 

similarly if she just bought a house where she lived and I didn’t see living there in 3 yrs I’m not going to try and date her

 

if this was an established relationship I woukd hope she talked about buying a home and having a discussion about this.  If she goes and make such a big decision without my involvement in it I would think @#& this were done...

[jspice]

If a man were bothered because I’m buying a house, he’s just going to have to sort that out himself. Owning a house and having a serious relationship aren’t mutually exclusive. 

I’m like you in that when I buy a house I’ll do it on my own, not with a man and I can’t really be held back by his insecurities. Unless and until he voices an opinion,  I wouldn’t try and guess how he feels about it. Owning property is awesome. Congratulations!

[cleverusername]

If a woman I was dating bought a house herself, I would be super proud of her and impressed (So long as the house wasn't a horrible investment).

[ShyViolet]

You already know that you do not want to get married or live together.  Is that something that you have been clear and up-front with him about?  Or does he have different ideas?  It sounds like maybe you two aren't on the same page and you haven't clearly communicated your long-term goals with him.

It's wonderful that you were able to buy a house.  That's smart.  If he doesn't like it and it makes him feel insecure, and if your mother is going to make back-handed comments about it, or pushy comments that you "should" be getting married, well that is their problem and they need to get over it.  Don't let other people's judgy comments or opinions get in the way of living your life.

[smackie9]

Real estate is more profitable than playing the market. These days owning is better than renting. I can't see why anyone would be upset with their SO buying property unless there was a promise before about investing together. Congratz! 🤩 and don't worry about it. The other posters are right, down the road you can always sell.

[FMW]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all the responses!

I feel like I've been really clear about not wanting to get married again, not in response to his specifically asking me about it but when the topic has come up in different ways, sometimes in front of other people.  He's only said two things about it the entire time we've been together (15 months, following 6 months of just hanging out casually) - (1) to never say never, but also (2) that he told his friend to shoot him if he ever contemplated getting married again.  Living together has never come up, but I can't see how that could be something he's even contemplated.  He bought a small bungalow a few months after his wife's death, about 2 1/2 years ago.  He just finally sold the huge home he had with her a few months ago, and although he gave away most of the household items to charity his small place is completely full and is exactly as he wants it.  He really loves his place and there is no room for anyone else to move in with him. 

We haven't talked about long term plans (His wife has only been gone for 2 1/2 years and I have no need to lock anything down at this point), so there's no reason he should feel I should discuss where I live with him.  The house is really close to where I live now and in a nice neighborhood, so there shouldn't be any issues with that.  My decision on buying is firm, so neither his nor my mother's thoughts about it would change my mind.  I can't imagine I will ever change my mind about marrying or living together, but in the unlikely event that ever changes I'm not worried about the logistics of the living situation.  I've bought and sold two other houses in the past so I understand how it goes.      

My concern was just that for some reason I was being clueless or insensitive about something that other people would generally get.  Sometimes my ideas of partnership don't match up with what I read on here.  But it seems from your responses that's not the case here.  I'll just pay attention going forward and if he makes any other comment I'm not sure about I'll clarify with him what he means.     

Thanks again, I really appreciate getting feedback!

Edited April 14, 2021 by FMW

[Miss Peach]

I think this depends on the guy and what you envisioned going forward. If you never plan to combine households, marry, etc. and you're staying in the same city and such then it shouldn't be a big deal IMO. Especially if there is room for him should you decide later.

 

I did this in my last relationship. My ex wanted to buy property with me but I am insistent I won't make that sort of investment with someone I'm not married to. He lived with me and was OK with the new place and the move but it caused issues later because he still saw it as 'his' house when I wanted him to move out.

Edited April 14, 2021 by Miss Peach

[Happy Lemming]

Start a thread after settlement/move-in and we'll have a "Virtual" house warming party on Loveshack!!

One more piece of advice, pay extra principal with each mortgage payment.  Anytime you get a bonus or tax refund, send it to the mortgage company/bank and pay down your loan early. (provided there is no pre-payment penalty in the loan) You'll be surprised how quickly you can pay off that house!!

Again... Congrats on your purchase!!

[Alvi]

Congrats! Can't imagine any scenarios as to why your boyfriend would see your purchasing a house on your own as a problem for him or a deal breaker of some sort. Since you are not married nor planning to get married anytime soon, to put frankly it should be none of his concern. You are not even living together, why would he expect for you two to buy a house together? He should view this no different as if you want to purchase a car or a treadmill or a laptop for yourself. If he gets upset and becomes unreasonable somehow, then you probably have to rethink the whole dating him thing. But yes, he should not be anything rather than happy for you and supportive.

21 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

  Do something to reassure him that the house is not a function of your relationship.  Show him that you still want him in your life & that your address or home ownership status doesn't change that.   

I suppose. If he starts acting like a big, self-entitled, spoiled baby. 

[vla1120]

Congrats! I just bought a house on my own, also. It did put an end to a very casual relationship I was having in Sep-Oct. Once I started looking for a house, he said he didn't see our relationship going anywhere if I was going to buy a house. Especially since I lived too far away from him, and buying a house indicated I had no intention of moving closer if we really fell for one another. I told him I was never getting married again and would always want my own place, regardless of how close I might become with someone in a relationship. So, no - I do not think there is anything wrong with buying a house and not consulting with your boyfriend.  In fact, other than having a personal friend who is an electrician and has 40 years experience in construction, I didn't even want anyone else's opinion about the houses I looked at. I wanted to make the decision completely on my own without any influence from my daughters, friends, or anyone else.

[Stupidkupid]

15 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

similarly if she just bought a house where she lived and I didn’t see living there in 3 yrs I’m not going to try and date her

 

Wait. So, do you suggest you go into relationships expecting that you would move into their home??

I don't understand what location of the house has to do with anything. Assume if you're going to date then you live relatively close why would your assumption (for discussion) wiuld surely be that, wgen the time comes, you pool your resources and buy somewhere together?

 

[lana-banana]

The most important person in your life, and the only person to whom you absolutely must be accountable, is in the mirror. I can't imagine buying a house (itself a commitment arguably more serious than a marriage) with someone I wasn't married to or imminently planning to marry. If you were not already in a position to be house shopping as a couple then you definitely shouldn't be buying together. Live your own life, make your own decisions, and if this guy really wants to stick around then maybe you can add him to the deed in a few years or so. Your judgment is sound.