Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[LaPi]

After a month and some of dating, and 8 amazing and very loving and romantic dates (sleeping in each other's house, holding hands while walking, stop the movie to kiss etc..) I told him I know what I wanted for me: I wanted a partner in my future, not sure yet if that partner will be him, but I definitely was seeing myself in a committed relationship at some point in the future. To my complete shock, he responded that he doesn't know what he wants, if he will ever want a partner, that he's having a good time with me, and "maybe things will go well, maybe not" he's just not sure and doesn't want a relationship, definitely not right now. I was asking for "right now"

So I told him we were not on the same page and even if I didn't want to do it, I needed to stop dating him.

I am 37, single mom. He's 37, single dad of two. 

I was just being transparent of my goals and desires and now I am just crying in my living room, second guessing myself. I am a grown woman, I am allowed to have love life goals and I a man should not be put off by my willingness to be upfront. Especially after being all lovey-dovey for 8 dates. 

Or... Have I acted too fast? 

Edited April 14, 2021 by LaPi

[LaPi]

35 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I was asking for "right now"

I WASN'T**** 

[Happy Lemming]

You don't bring up "commitment" after 8 dates, no matter how amazing they were.

If after two years of dating you want to start talking commitment, then that is OK.

At 8 dates, you scared him away... Going forward, don't do that.

[Dis]

Ohhh you're not wrong at all for voicing your needs/goals/wants

 

His just don't align with yours. And just because he was lovey dovey doesn't mean it means the same for him as it does for you 

 

I would let him go now because if you think you're hurt now, you'll be much more hurt down the line after you get more attached and he doesn't change his mind about wanting what you want...don't expect him to either 

 

Next time you date you should be on the same page with the guy you're dating in terms of goals right from the get go

 

So sorry about this!  

[Alpacalia]

Next time, a simple, "I understand" in response will suffice.

Or, "I've made a promise to myself that I would not engage in casual sex."

[LaPi]

25 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

You don't bring up "commitment" after 8 dates, no matter how amazing they were.

If after two years of dating you want to start talking commitment, then that is OK.

At 8 dates, you scared him away... Going forward, don't do that.

Wow TWO full years? I am 37, I should casually date someone for two whole years before finding out we don't want the same? Mmmm seems a bit too much. 

[LaPi]

21 minutes ago, Dis said:

I would let him go now because if you think you're hurt now, you'll be much more hurt down the line after you get more attached and he doesn't change his mind about wanting what you want...don't expect him to either 

Exactly what I am scared of. To get emotionally involved and then realizing I misunderstood the whole relationship.

How can you feel such an amazing connection, feel super romantic with him, open up to someone and all of that.... and yet it's not what you think it is. Are people just players like that? Anything is genuine at all? 

[basil67]

Life is too short to spend with someone who doesn't have the same goals as us.   During the 'getting to know you' process, we talk about who we are, what we've done and stuff we still want to do.   There is absolutely no reason to share all about yourself but hold back wanting a long term relationship.

Also, if a guy is really into you and wants the same things in life, this conversation will not scare him away.  Rather, it will cement all the other things you've had in common.  I mean, it's hardly like you asked him for commitment....rather, your conversation was further exploring whether or not you're aligned in your goals.

Your response was perfect.  You're not on the same page, so being honest was fine.

 

Edited April 14, 2021 by basil67

[Dis]

57 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

You don't bring up "commitment" after 8 dates, no matter how amazing they were.

If after two years of dating you want to start talking commitment, then that is OK.

At 8 dates, you scared him away... Going forward, don't do that.

Really?🤔

 

I would know before the first date if the guy wanted the same things as me and if he didn't, there would be no date

 

I'm not signing up to waste my time and get hurt when I can forgo all that and find someone I'm compatible with 

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, LaPi said:

After a month and some of dating, and 8 amazing and very loving and romantic dates (sleeping in each other's house, holding hands while walking, stop the movie to kiss etc..) I told him I know what I wanted for me: I wanted a partner in my future, not sure yet if that partner will be him, but I definitely was seeing myself in a committed relationship at some point in the future. To my complete shock, he responded that he doesn't know what he wants, if he will ever want a partner, that he's having a good time with me, and "maybe things will go well, maybe not" he's just not sure and doesn't want a relationship, definitely not right now. I was asking for "right now"

So I told him we were not on the same page and even if I didn't want to do it, I needed to stop dating him.

I am 37, single mom. He's 37, single dad of two. 

I was just being transparent of my goals and desires and now I am just crying in my living room, second guessing myself. I am a grown woman, I am allowed to have love life goals and I a man should not be put off by my willingness to be upfront. Especially after being all lovey-dovey for 8 dates. 

Or... Have I acted too fast? 

You were too invested for only knowing a guy for a month and change.

From what you've written, I don't see where he was "put off" by anything you said, he just told you his truth.  He could've lied and said he wanted the same things but he didn't.  Seems like a pretty reasonable and respectful response on his part.

Edited April 14, 2021 by dramafreezone

[LaPi]

4 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

You were too invested for only knowing a guy for a month and change.

From what you've written, I don't see where he was "put off" by anything you said, he just told you his truth.  He could've lied and said he wanted the same things but he didn't.

He kinda lied at the very beginning probably, second, third date.... talking about relationships, our exes, the fact that he misses having a partner in his life, how life would be easier with a partner, how he wanted to be focused on his kids and on his partner when not parenting his kids..... You get the idea. Even if we never shared our intentions "officially" - IDK man, I was under the impression that he wasn't afraid of relationships in general. Again, he's an adult, a father. Not just a "boy" 

[Dis]

1 minute ago, LaPi said:

He kinda lied at the very beginning probably, second, third date.... talking about relationships, our exes, the fact that he misses having a partner in his life, how life would be easier with a partner, how he wanted to be focused on his kids and on his partner when not parenting his kids..... You get the idea. Even if we never shared our intentions "officially" - IDK man, I was under the impression that he wasn't afraid of relationships in general. Again, he's an adult, a father. Not just a "boy" 

I don't think it's a matter of being too invested

 

You're just hurt because you just found out what you want isn't what he wants which is reasonable. He kind of pulled a bait and switch on you. Wasn't dishonest per se but kind of misleading 

 

This is why it's a good idea to just confirm you're both on the same page early on 

[LaPi]

One should never been ashamed to be invested, to care for someone. A month, 8 dates, long enough to establish a connection. Infatuation, that's all it is and pretty normal. I didn't drop the L word. I didn't say I want to meet your parents. It would NOT be off putting if someone is showing genuine care for me - it's a wonderful thing. 

He kinda lied at the very beginning probably, second, third date.... talking about relationships, our exes, the fact that he misses having a partner in his life, how life would be easier with a partner, how he wanted to be focused on his kids and on his partner when not parenting his kids..... You get the idea. Even if we never shared our intentions "officially" - IDK man, I was under the impression that he wasn't afraid of relationships in general. 

[LaPi]

3 minutes ago, Dis said:

I don't think it's a matter of being too invested

 

You're just hurt because you just found out what you want isn't what he wants which is reasonable. He kind of pulled a bait and switch on you. Wasn't dishonest per se but kind of misleading 

 

This is why it's a good idea to just confirm you're both on the same page early on 

definitely misleading, thank you! That's why I was so shocked when he said what he said. I misunderstood the whole (non-existing) romance!! 

[Dis]

4 minutes ago, LaPi said:

One should never been ashamed to be invested, to care for someone. A month, 8 dates, long enough to establish a connection. Infatuation, that's all it is and pretty normal. I didn't drop the L word. I didn't say I want to meet your parents. It would NOT be off putting if someone is showing genuine care for me - it's a wonderful thing. 

 

I don't think anyone is saying you should be ashamed and it sounds like he didn't feel that way either. He just didn't feel the same way.

[Dis]

Just now, LaPi said:

definitely misleading, thank you! That's why I was so shocked when he said what he said. I misunderstood the whole (non-existing) romance!! 

I think it was romance for him too though...his version of it

 

Are you going to keep seeing him? What is your plan? 

 

(((hugs)))

[Gaeta]

You did the right thing. 

I think at the beginning when he expressed he would like a partner he was honest and when he told you that he didn't know if he wanted a relationship I think he meant he didn't want a relationship 'with you'. I'm sorry I know it sucks to read this. 

Men know pretty fast if they want someone. 

Don't be fooled by the lovey-dovey. I had ONS who were lovey-dovey and openned up about their childhood trauma. 

[LaPi]

6 minutes ago, Dis said:

I think it was romance for him too though...his version of it

 

Are you going to keep seeing him? What is your plan? 

 

(((hugs)))

Honestly I am not sure. I feel bad that I ended thing like this, he seemed upset. I was just trying to protect my feelings and not lowering my standards, but sometimes things just work out in different ways? I might reach out to him, maybe in few days. I am feeling pretty low 

[Dis]

Just now, LaPi said:

Honestly I am not sure. I feel bad that I ended thing like this, he seemed upset. I was just trying to protect my feelings and not lowering my standards, but sometimes things just work out in different ways? I might reach out to him, maybe in few days. I am feeling pretty low 

Why would you feel badly though?

 

You don't have an obligation to date him when it's just going to lead to you getting hurt down the line and probably next to no impact on him

 

Yes, you do need to protect yourself and you need to do what is right for you. If he wants casual, let him go find that while you find what you need. 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, LaPi said:

I was just being transparent of my goals and desires

As was he. Plenty of people are looking for a LTR (eventually, with the right person) when dating and there are also those who are not for various reasons or aren't sure. He's one of the latter.

You were right to be straightforward about your ultimate intentions with him IMO.

There is a concept in sales: getting to "No". That is, finding out quickly that you WON'T make a sale to a person, so you don't waste precious time and energy on someone when it won't pan out.  This is, in effect, what you you did here and although it may feel bad right now, from a longer term perspective it was absolutely correct. Your mistake, perhaps, was to start getting emotionally attached too soon and to go on 8 dates with him instead of just 1 or 2.

"What are you looking for?" is a perfectly valid question on a date, even a first or 2nd one. You filter out incompatible people/those who aren't looking for the same thing.

[LaPi]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You did the right thing. 

I think at the beginning when he expressed he would like a partner he was honest and when he told you that he didn't know if he wanted a relationship I think he meant he didn't want a relationship 'with you'. I'm sorry I know it sucks to read this. 

Men know pretty fast if they want someone. 

Don't be fooled by the lovey-dovey. I had ONS who were lovey-dovey and openned up about their childhood trauma. 

Yeah I thought so too. But why seeing me consistently every week, saying that we were dating, admitting not seeing anyone else (I would hope so, in a pandemic!), checking in everyday via text and overall being wonderful with me, telling me how much he's enjoying my company... if he doesn't like me enough to have a relationship. ?? I am never like that with someone I like just ok and it's meh. 

[Angelle]

I don't think over a month, and eight dates, is too soon to talk about commitment. It's not like you asked for an engagement ring, and started planning a wedding. He should have been upfront, that he was only casually dating. 

Edited April 14, 2021 by Angelle

[LaPi]

2 minutes ago, Dis said:

Why would you feel badly though?

 

You don't have an obligation to date him when it's just going to lead to you getting hurt down the line and probably next to no impact on him

 

Yes, you do need to protect yourself and you need to do what is right for you. If he wants casual, let him go find that while you find what you need. 

Because I genuinely like him. And the connection we have I think it's pretty rare to find. 

[dramafreezone]

1 minute ago, LaPi said:

Honestly I am not sure. I feel bad that I ended thing like this, he seemed upset. I was just trying to protect my feelings and not lowering my standards, but sometimes things just work out in different ways? I might reach out to him, maybe in few days. I am feeling pretty low 

A good rule of thumb is when you're lonely, hungry, angry or tired, don't make decisions.  I think you acted rashly.

If you need a commited relationship, then you're free to pursue that, but this guy has told you his bottom line.  If you start up again, can't really say he misled you going forward.

[Dis]

Just now, LaPi said:

Yeah I thought so too. But why seeing me consistently every week, saying that we were dating, admitting not seeing anyone else (I would hope so, in a pandemic!), checking in everyday via text and overall being wonderful with me, telling me how much he's enjoying my company... if he doesn't like me enough to have a relationship. ?? I am never like that with someone I like just ok and it's meh. 

Oh wow

 

You have a lot to learn when it comes to dating but stick with us and we'll walk you through it!  

 

People who date casually still enjoy someone else's company, still develop feelings and still like to be affectionate. They just do so without of a goal of commitment or thoughts of longevity to the 'relationship'