Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[NYAG]

14 hours ago, LaPi said:

After a month and some of dating, and 8 amazing and very loving and romantic dates (sleeping in each other's house, holding hands while walking, stop the movie to kiss etc..) I told him I know what I wanted for me: I wanted a partner in my future, not sure yet if that partner will be him, but I definitely was seeing myself in a committed relationship at some point in the future. To my complete shock, he responded that he doesn't know what he wants, if he will ever want a partner, that he's having a good time with me, and "maybe things will go well, maybe not" he's just not sure and doesn't want a relationship, definitely not right now. I was asking for "right now"

So I told him we were not on the same page and even if I didn't want to do it, I needed to stop dating him.

I am 37, single mom. He's 37, single dad of two. 

I was just being transparent of my goals and desires and now I am just crying in my living room, second guessing myself. I am a grown woman, I am allowed to have love life goals and I a man should not be put off by my willingness to be upfront. Especially after being all lovey-dovey for 8 dates. 

Or... Have I acted too fast? 

It pays to be honest BEFORE you start dating (ie I stick it in my dating profile) that you are looking for a long term relationship, whether that's possibly with them or not, or whether you both agree you're not sure what you want, or you both agree it's a casual thing. I make sure I know right from the start that the person I am going to be dating is not looking for 'the one' since I don't have the capacity to offer that at the moment. But then even if we do decide to date at least we know what each other are looking for long term whether that's someone else or not. I never go in with expectations. Things can change on the turn of a dime and I've stopped trying to predict anything.

[LaPi]

2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

 

This is confusing.  In your OP, you said that yo initiated the conversation.  Now it seems you are saying he did.  In addition, your OP indicates that he said "maybe things will go well, maybe not" but your recent post has a completely different conversation.

My earlier response was based on your OP. 

Can you clarify which version of events is accurate?

Sure I can clarify. We can only see each other once a week because of conflicting parenting schedules. So I said something like this: 

"I would love to see you more, but at the same time, I don't know if you are ok with once a week. See, I tend to go faster on things because I am excited, and my worries is that I might scare you away and I don't want that. So please let me know if you think I am going to fast with us, because you know that I really like you and I only have the best intentions with you to make things work. Besides, I know what I want in my future" 

E then he said: :"what you want?" ... and the rest of the convo you have it. 

[Gaeta]

19 minutes ago, LaPi said:

yes, that is exactly what worries me. However it went like this: 

Him: "What do you want for your future?"
Me: "I want a partner"
Him: "Oh well, to be honest with you, I am not sure I want that, now or ever, maybe one day, but maybe not" 
Me: "wait, uh? I though you said your life would be so much better with a partner at one point" 
Him: "yeah, I said it, but that doesn't mean that I want it"
Me: ((confused AF)) "Well, I had no idea all of this between us was just casual dating, I don't want that and I need to stop seeing you"
Him: ((sad about what I said)) "Yes, I understand, I am sorry" 

It sound to me that yes he got scared, he backed off, and he decided to run for apparently no reason. I don't think me saying "I see a partner in my future" was too much, I was just being honest. 

OMG, I would be as shocked as you are! 

Be glad you brought this up and you won't waste more than 8 dates on him. 

Notice how he didn't negotiate/fight to keep you in  his life. 

 

[NYAG]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

OMG, I would be as shocked as you are! 

Be glad you brought this up and you won't waste more than 8 dates on him. 

Notice how he didn't negotiate/fight to keep you in  his life. 

 

I think the not negotiating is key. Let him go. He doesn't have the same wants as you and bearing in mind you haven't been seeing each other for that long he doesn't have enough feelings for you to renegotiate. That's just the point he is at in his life. Let him be.

[LaPi]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Notice how he didn't negotiate/fight to keep you in  his life. 

He only said "don't overthink it, I am putting an effort too, I am enjoying my time with you" 

And I replied "yes, I know, you are putting an effort and we are having an amazing time, that's why I am so confused we are not on the same page, and I have to be true to myself and find a person who wants the same as me"
HE: "I understand, I am sorry" 

I basically left out of respect for myself and my beliefs, not because I was mad at him or because I lost interest. It was more of a pride thing. 

Looking back, he never planned anything with me in the future, just our Monday dates. He never mentioned "I want to go here with you this summer" or "maybe when things open up, we could do this" and that was a BIG red flag I managed to ignore

[introverted1]

7 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Sure I can clarify. We can only see each other once a week because of conflicting parenting schedules. So I said something like this: 

"I would love to see you more, but at the same time, I don't know if you are ok with once a week. See, I tend to go faster on things because I am excited, and my worries is that I might scare you away and I don't want that. So please let me know if you think I am going to fast with us, because you know that I really like you and I only have the best intentions with you to make things work. Besides, I know what I want in my future" 

E then he said: :"what you want?" ... and the rest of the convo you have it. 

This is really intense, imo, especially since it appears you were already seeing each other twice a week (your OP says 8 dates in 1 month of dating).  And the bolded makes it sound like you are ready to lock him down for the long haul, especially the part I underlined.

I stand by my original assessment:  you'd been dating a month, were intimate (sexually + emotionally), were exclusive, had removed dating profiles...  that's plenty for one month in.  Rather than letting things unfold organically, you pushed, with phrases like "I know what I want in my future."  For one month in, this is too much. If a man came at me with all this, no matter how much I liked him, I would instinctively back off.  It is one thing to feel these things and quite another to give voice to them so early on.  It would make me withdraw.  And I think that's exactly what he did.

[d0nnivain]

8 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Looking back, he never planned anything with me in the future, just our Monday dates. He never mentioned "I want to go here with you this summer" or "maybe when things open up, we could do this" and that was a BIG red flag I managed to ignore

Then this was an action that didn't match his other actions.  If you were only seeing him on Mondays I would have been turned off by that within week 3.  Unless he was employed in a profession that works weekends -- healthcare, first responder, hospitality -- Monday's only was a BIG clue that this was not super important to him.  But that doesn't square with your representation that you had 8 dates in a month.  There are only 4, maybe 5 Mondays in a month.  

Adding this fact maybe you started the conversation because you instinctively knew something was off.  

That said you do need to curb your own enthusiasm.  Keeping yourself in check early on will help you see the realty of any situation more clearly so you don't invest in the wrong things. 

All of that are more reason not to chase after him. 

Edited April 14, 2021 by d0nnivain

[LaPi]

5 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

This is really intense, imo, especially since it appears you were already seeing each other twice a week (your OP says 8 dates in 1 month of dating).  And the bolded makes it sound like you are ready to lock him down for the long haul, especially the part I underlined.

I stand by my original assessment:  you'd been dating a month, were intimate (sexually + emotionally), were exclusive, had removed dating profiles...  that's plenty for one month in.  Rather than letting things unfold organically, you pushed, with phrases like "I know what I want in my future."  For one month in, this is too much. If a man came at me with all this, no matter how much I liked him, I would instinctively back off.  It is one thing to feel these things and quite another to give voice to them so early on.  It would make me withdraw.  And I think that's exactly what he did.

Sorry but I disagree with the "scaring him off" part. I told him, please let me know if you think I am going too fast, because I don't want to push you away. He could have said something there, compromise, find a solution for both of us. Instead....he got me thinking he was invested all along so I would stay, only to just speak his truth when he was forced to. 

He was very casual all along, and I failed to notice it.

[d0nnivain]

Just now, LaPi said:

He was very casual all along, and I failed to notice it.

That is true, about you failing to notice the bad signs.  You have to reign in your own enthusiasm in the beginning.  You know you are a good catch, so sit back more & let a new person prove why they are worthy of you. 

[LaPi]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Then this was an action that didn't match his other actions.  If you were only seeing him on Mondays I would have been turned off by that within week 3.  Unless he was employed in a profession that works weekends -- healthcare, first responder, hospitality -- Monday's only was a BIG clue that this was not super important to him.  But that doesn't square with your representation that you had 8 dates in a month.  There are only 4, maybe 5 Mondays in a month.  

Adding this fact maybe you started the conversation because you instinctively knew something was off.  

That said you do need to curb your own enthusiasm.  Keeping yourself in check early on will help you see the realty of any situation more clearly so you don't invest in the wrong things. 

All of that are more reason not to chase after him. 

No no, Mondays because we both have kids and we both have conflicting parenting schedule. Meaning that when I am free on weekends, he has his kids and vice versa. 
We met on a Monday, we got together the very next day too, then took the next monday off work and spent an entire day together, then we met on a friday afternoon, then again on Monday - staying overnight ... and so on. He had a toothbrush at my place. things were progressing .... only to find out it was all "fake", all casual. He played me, 

[poppyfields]

52 minutes ago, LaPi said:

yes, that is exactly what worries me. However it went like this: 

Him: "What do you want for your future?"
Me: "I want a partner"
Him: "Oh well, to be honest with you, I am not sure I want that, now or ever, maybe one day, but maybe not" 
Me: "wait, uh? I though you said your life would be so much better with a partner at one point" 
Him: "yeah, I said it, but that doesn't mean that I want it"
Me: ((confused AF)) "Well, I had no idea all of this between us was just casual dating, I don't want that and I need to stop seeing you"
Him: ((sad about what I said)) "Yes, I understand, I am sorry" 

It sound to me that yes he got scared, he backed off, and he decided to run for apparently no reason. I don't think me saying "I see a partner in my future" was too much, I was just being honest. 

I wish you had posted this conversation at the beginning, it sheds an entirely different light on things. 

HE was the one who initiated the "talk" knowing what your response would be, and using it as a good opportunity to run.

It was a "push," a huge push in the push/pull equation.

He pushed you right out the door, I agree with you, it's about FEAR.

Do nothing.  Do not reach out. 

Let it go and cherish the experience, the memory. 

Edited April 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[d0nnivain]

With different parenting schedules I imagine it's tough to schedule dates.  When you only have your kids once in a while I suppose you want to maximize your time with them but I don't understand why one of you couldn't arrange a baby sitter for a few hours to go on a weekend date.   Seriously the Monday only thing was a huge clue that you weren't important enough to make the effort.  

I stand by my opinion that the discussion about the future were too soon but here you may have dodged a bullet in that you were not on the same page.   A blanket early on declaration that you don't want casual is fine so you weed out the people looking for NSA sex.  A conversation about exclusivity is fine.  Then you take future baby steps -- been together a week, you can talk about next week; after dating a month, you can plan a month out but don't get too far ahead of your time foundation.  You need to be together at least 1 year before you start planning much further than that.  

[GeorgiaPeach1]

14 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

You don't bring up "commitment" after 8 dates, no matter how amazing they were.

If after two years of dating you want to start talking commitment, then that is OK.

At 8 dates, you scared him away... Going forward, don't do that.

It's impossible to scare away someone who is into you, just my having a general discussion on goals for their romantic future.

Why should a woman give of herself for two years before she can have such a conversation? 

While a woman should definitely NOT demand a relationship after a month, this isn't what happened here.

Sounds like this man was intending to string her along for a while, knowing full well he didn't see the possibility of a future with her. This happens so often, it's sickening.

[d0nnivain]

Just now, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

It's impossible to scare away someone who is into you, just my having a general discussion on goals for their romantic future.

Not true at all.   When I was dating a new person if that person talked too far into the future it was a red flag to me  & I usually bolted.  I didn't know future faking was a thing but I remember meeting some guy one summer.  He was waxing poetic & romantic about something.  Somehow I confessed that I always hated Valentine's Day.  It always felt forced & fake or it was a huge disappointment.  He said something about wanting to make me love Valentine's Day & he was going to start planning to make this next one amazing.  Until that moment I liked him.  When he said that on a beach to a me, a girl he just met & barely knew,  I thought he was an idiot.  I think I said something like let's see if we make it to Labor Day first.  We didn't.  

[cleverusername]

Man here. Like I said before: 

You are exclusive. You've been on 8 dates in 2 months. You're enjoying time together. He deleted his dating app. You are both happy. He enjoys being with you. What's the rush?

You - "I love what we have now, but I want to make you guarantee it will be like this forever. Right here. Right now."

Him- "I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to that. Lets just enjoy the present"

You- "Nope, this is 0 sum. Either you commit to forever or I leave" 

Him- " I'm not comfortable making that promise right now"

You - "Ok, bye"

That is exactly how this conversation sounds to me. Frankly, it came across that you are insecure out of concern for the future and unwilling to compromise or take things at HIS PACE. 

Edited April 14, 2021 by cleverusername

[LaPi]

1 minute ago, cleverusername said:

Man here. Like I said before: 

You are exclusive. You've been on 8 dates in 2 months. You're enjoying time together. He deleted his dating app. You are both happy. He enjoys being with you. What's the rush?

You - "I love what we have now, but I want to make you guarantee it will be like this forever. Right here. Right now."

Him- "I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to that. Lets just enjoy the present"

You- "Nope, this is 0 sum. Either you commit to forever or I leave" 

Him- " I'm not comfortable making that promise right now"

You - "Ok, bye"

That is exactly how this conversation sounds to me. Frankly, it came across that you are insecure out of concern for the future and unwilling to compromise. 

Wow really? Right here, right now commitment, eh? 

So when I said "I don't want to go too fast because I don't want to push you away, please let me what you think" - means let's commit right now? 
When I said "I want A partner in my future, I don't know yet if that partner will be you, I still have to get to know you" - means let's commit right now? 

Men, sorry to say this, comes often from a place where they think women are the "crazy ones" - who wants to "pin you down". 

Hey, it takes two to tango, you don't have a gun in your head to stay with me if you are not enjoying the ride anymore - this applies to casual, FWB, committed relationship, marriage. Anything can end at anytime, so why not be authentic for once and be vulnerable together? Let me tell you, it's GREAT. 

[poppyfields]

cleveruser, read her update on how the convo really went down.

HE initiated by asking her what she wants for her future. 

She responded "a partner" which was not unreasonable by any stretch. 

He responded that was not what he wanted (for his future), which was a complete 180 from what his actions had been telling her.

So she ended it, and he responded "sorry."

Let this go LaPi, you did nothing wrong, HE initiated the talk and used your response to push you out.

Forget about him, seriously.  

 

Edited April 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

I think Poppy may be right. He set you up.
He wanted out and he  engineered it so that you ended it.
 

[Gaeta]

47 minutes ago, LaPi said:

just our Monday dates. 

My question was replied. 

Edited April 14, 2021 by Gaeta

[LaPi]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

clever, read her update on how the convo really went down.

HE initiated by asking her what she wants for her future. 

She responded "a partner" which was not unreasonable by any stretch. 

He responded that was not what he wanted (for his future), which was a complete 180 from what his actions had been telling her.

So she ended it, and he responded "sorry."

Let this go LaPi, you did nothing wrong, HE pushed you out.

 

thank you  

[LaPi]

Just now, Gaeta said:

Monday dates?? You only had 'dates' on Mondays?

we have opposite parenting schedule, so weekends are never free. It's just a schedule thing, we always said we would love to see each other on weekends, but we have our kids. 

[cleverusername]

9 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Wow really? Right here, right now commitment, eh? 

So when I said "I don't want to go too fast because I don't want to push you away, please let me what you think" - means let's commit right now? 
When I said "I want A partner in my future, I don't know yet if that partner will be you, I still have to get to know you" - means let's commit right now? 

Men, sorry to say this, comes often from a place where they think women are the "crazy ones" - who wants to "pin you down". 

Hey, it takes two to tango, you don't have a gun in your head to stay with me if you are not enjoying the ride anymore - this applies to casual, FWB, committed relationship, marriage. Anything can end at anytime, so why not be authentic for once and be vulnerable together? Let me tell you, it's GREAT. 

 

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

clever, read her update on how the convo really went down.

HE initiated by asking her what she wants for her future. 

She responded "a partner" which was not unreasonable by any stretch. 

He responded that was not what he wanted (for his future), which was a complete 180 from what his actions had been telling her.

So she ended it, and he responded "sorry."

Let this go LaPi, you did nothing wrong, HE pushed you out.

 

When I hear "Partner" the first connotation I assume is marriage because you are already in a committed relationship. So literally In the matter of one conversation without asking for any clarification of anything, you went from a great relationship to ending it? Yeah, I would be turned off by that too, sorry. Maybe he did want to end it. Or maybe he didn't. No way of knowing now. Next time, I suggest you dive deeper into it and talk through it rather than making split second, 0 sum decisions. But it's your life and relationship. 

Edited April 14, 2021 by cleverusername

[LaPi]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I think Poppy may be right. He set you up.
He wanted out and he  engineered it so that you ended it.
 

He wanted out? That's odd. If he wanted out, why inviting me over for the usual date, wanting me to spend the night, reach out to me everyday and so on. If he wanted out, he could have fade away...like many do. It's disgusting, but many do that. 

[SaraSays]

1 hour ago, LaPi said:

"I would love to see you more, but at the same time, I don't know if you are ok with once a week. See, I tend to go faster on things because I am excited, and my worries is that I might scare you away and I don't want that. So please let me know if you think I am going to fast with us, because you know that I really like you and I only have the best intentions with you to make things work. Besides, I know what I want in my future" 

E then he said: :"what you want?" ... and the rest of the convo you have it. 

The sequence of events, according to our poster - she initiated the conversation.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, LaPi said:

He wanted out? That's odd. If he wanted out, why inviting me over for the usual date, wanting me to spend the night, reach out to me everyday and so on. If he wanted out, he could have fade away...like many do. It's disgusting, but many do that. 

Lets say he didn't want out, but he didn't want in either. 

He wanted what he wanted and it did not aligned with what you want for yourself.