Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[Versacehottie]

14 hours ago, LaPi said:

He kinda lied at the very beginning probably, second, third date.... talking about relationships, our exes, the fact that he misses having a partner in his life, how life would be easier with a partner, how he wanted to be focused on his kids and on his partner when not parenting his kids..... You get the idea. Even if we never shared our intentions "officially" - IDK man, I was under the impression that he wasn't afraid of relationships in general. Again, he's an adult, a father. Not just a "boy" 

That's not exactly a lie. He could very well mean those thing sincerely...but not with you.

or doesn't not have enough information yet to lie about his probability of committing to that with you. 

Neither of you was wrong to state your position. You just aren't on the same page at the moment.  Personally, I am team "too soon" but I'm not you and your thoughts/his thoughts are what really matter in this scenario.  Question is what are you going to do?

[LaPi]

2 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Is it your belief that every guy that has sex with you is obligated to marry you??

I wasn't talking about sex. I enjoy sex and we had sex on the second date because we both wanted it and there is nothing wrong with that. 

Sex has nothing to do with all of this.

I was talking about making me think he was invested in me, when he was clearly not. 

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, LaPi said:

I was talking about making me think he was invested in me, when he was clearly not. 

It was only 8 dates/1 month... you didn't give the guy a chance to get invested in you. 

[d0nnivain]

As much as it's painful to hear I think what @cleverusername posted was pretty darn close to what this guy heard.  I know it's not what you said but do you get that is how her perceived what you said?   

 

58 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I am just very angry overall. What is wrong with the world lately, where players and casual sex and all that "commitment" fear is acceptable and excused, while people who are strong and courageous enough to believe in forming strong emotional connection and opening up their hearts get punished?? 

You are not being punished.  It was pointed out that you two were not on the same page.  if anything, the fact that you only invested 1 month in this guy rather than allowing this to go on & you fell deeper.  

 

8 minutes ago, LaPi said:

So based on this (thank you btw, very good insight) - should I reach out to him in few days? If so, what should I say? You said there are no rules in dating, I might as well trying everything, no? 

Me asking if I should reach out is just to cover all my bases in case we really had a misunderstanding and in case this might really be something good. 

 

Do NOT reach out to him.  I promise you after all this if you chase him he will conclude you only want casual.  You will shoot yourself in the foot. 

If he gets his head out of his ***, comes back to you & apologizes you can take him back if you like but you can't chase.  

[Miss Peach]

45 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Guys aren't looking to walk down the aisle after 8 dates and that is basically what the OP did... You have to give a guy a chance to let the relationship develop, not jam it down his throat after 8 dates.

I never said he was looking to walk down the aisle with HER. There is a difference to being open to the idea of marriage if the right person comes around versus knowing it's her. I think 8 dates is enough to know if he's thinking about it per se.

20 minutes ago, LaPi said:

So based on this (thank you btw, very good insight) - should I reach out to him in few days? If so, what should I say? You said there are no rules in dating, I might as well trying everything, no? 

Me asking if I should reach out is just to cover all my bases in case we really had a misunderstanding and in case this might really be something good. 

 

I think it depends on what you want out of this. I think if you stay you're setting yourself up to be a FWB. You can ask him to clarify but most men won't want a confrontation so I'm not sure you'll get any clarification as he won't want to look like the bad guy or hurt you. If it were me I wouldn't reach out to him. Let him come to you on this.

Edited April 14, 2021 by Miss Peach

[smackie9]

Well you had the talk, and you found out you both are not on the same page. That's why we date....to find out if you like each other, have things in common and have the same goals. 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I was talking about making me think he was invested in me, when he was clearly not. 

It's unclear what you mean be "invested in" and "making you think"? You're both dating single parent adults who enjoyed sex, fun and nice times. 8 dates. Hours. Not months of getting to at least get to know each other.

Just curious. Is someone/something giving you advice to be this aggressive about it? 

Do not keep chasing him. You made your position clear so let him process and reach out.

More importantly, given your distrust that he's a player who led you on, it may be best to reflect if you even want to continue.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

You come along and after 8 dates you start talking commitment.  Although you were probably tactful in how you brought it up, his brain heard "I want a ring, you better set a date, etc. etc."  At that point, a cold shiver went down his spine as thoughts of his previous marriage flashed into his head. His brain started screaming "Abort, Abort... hit the ejection button, get out of there" 

LaPi: if It's really how he viewed your conversation then he's better gone. Find a man you don't need to tip toe around words in fear to scare him. 

[cleverusername]

I don't care how much I like a woman, if after 2 months and 8 dates she starts talking about marriage and blending families, making me decide that very moment, I would not be feeling too great either.

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

if after 2 months and 8 dates she starts talking about marriage and blending families, making me decide that very moment, I would not be feeling too great either.

Many of you on here are making this about something it's not. 

[Gaeta]

What she told this man after 8 dates is what I tell men on a FIRST conversation even before meeting! It's about informing men what is your purpose in dating. It has nothing to do with what you personally want from them at that point.

[cleverusername]

Just now, Gaeta said:

What she told this man after 8 dates is what I tell men on a FIRST conversation even before meeting! It's about informing men what is your purpose in dating. It has nothing to do with what you personally want from them at that point.

But what did she want that she didn't already have? He wasn't seeing other people, he deleted his dating app, they were having sex, they were happy, it was a committed relationship without the label, and then you bring up marriage? 

So before you meet men you tell them you're looking to get married? 

[LaPi]

2 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

But what did she want that she didn't already have? He wasn't seeing other people, he deleted his dating app, they were having sex, they were happy, it was a committed relationship without the label, and then you bring up marriage? 

So before you meet men you tell them you're looking to get married? 

I did not brought up marriage! I’m not even divorced yet!! Ahaha not at all. 
 

[Backinthesaddleagain]

17 minutes ago, LaPi said:

So based on this (thank you btw, very good insight) - should I reach out to him in few days? If so, what should I say? You said there are no rules in dating, I might as well trying everything, no? 

Me asking if I should reach out is just to cover all my bases in case we really had a misunderstanding and in case this might really be something good. 

 

I think this one might be a done deal, so there may be nothing you can do to salvage it. It sounds like you are really into him, and if that is the case then just reach out to him and see what happens. Check your ego at the door, be honest, but don't just say everything that comes to your mind! Don't be desperate, but don't be cold. Find that balance that makes you attractive to him and he will want to stay with you. You can make your intentions clear later on after it feels natural. Of course, as others have said he could just be using you (but based on his actions I would say this is unlikely)... 

Take this with a grain of salt please. I am currently in an amazing relationship for the last 7 months or so, and we have broken every "dating rule" there is to break. If I would have followed the "rules" I wouldn't be with my girl. We just happened to be at the same place in life and it happened fast but felt right. Without risk there is no reward. Love is dangerous. Be willing to get hurt (but don't be expecting to get hurt because that will put off those cruddy vibes) And be strong enough to realize that after the sunset of a failed relationship, there will be the possibility a beautiful sunrise again tomorrow. 

Ok, sorry for all the philosophical ramblings lol Good luck to you!

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

But what did she want that she didn't already have? He wasn't seeing other people, he deleted his dating app, they were having sex, they were happy, it was a committed relationship without the label, and then you bring up marriage? 

So before you meet men you tell them you're looking to get married? 

Where did she bring up marriage??

Before I meet a man I tell him I am seeking to meet someone that is looking for a long term relationship. It doesn't mean I will want the relationship with HIM but it means he needs to be open to commitment when it's time. If the man says he's not sure he wants a relationship with anyone I won't waste my time dating him. 

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, LaPi said:

I did not brought up marriage!
 

Its not what you said... it is what he heard/interpreted from your comments/inquiry.  He read "between the lines" and heard "ring, marriage, set the date, blended families, etc."

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

We just happened to be at the same place in life

OP and this guy are not in the same place in their life. If a man says he is not sure he wants a relationship with anyone, why would she waste her time, energy, and feelings on him? 

[cleverusername]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Where did she bring up marriage??

Before I meet a man I tell him I am seeking to meet someone that is looking for a long term relationship. It doesn't mean I will want the relationship with HIM but it means he needs to be open to commitment when it's time. If the man says he's not sure he wants a relationship with anyone I won't waste my time dating him. 

If I'm in already in a committed relationship with someone and they say they want a "partner" in the future, I take that to mean a partner in marriage.

Edited April 14, 2021 by cleverusername

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said:

Its not what you said... it is what he heard/interpreted from your comments/inquiry.  He read "between the lines" and heard "ring, marriage, set the date, blended families, etc."

 The  man isn't afraid of marriage, he's afraid of **relationships**.  It's like having a panic attack when you see a bar of soap cause you're afraid of water. 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

If I'm in already in a committed relationship with someone 

They are not in a committed relationship, they did not even establish exclusivity yet even if it looked like it, it was not determined. 

[Backinthesaddleagain]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

OP and this guy are not in the same place in their life. If a man says he is not sure he wants a relationship with anyone, why would she waste her time, energy, and feelings on him? 

That maybe true, and after reading her original post again I'm not sure he is worth chasing. He might be a time-waster looking for someone to fill the void, but his loving actions and amount of time spent together shows high interest. I mean, I wouldn't spend 2 days a week with someone I was only using to cure my boredom. That's what friends and family are for 😂

In the end, there are 2 choices. See if there is anything there, or move on. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

Not that you were even consciously playing games. It's just the way you described your interaction with him. Don't tell a man you are interested in that you are looking for something serious, but then not sure if it is with him or not. This is just bizarre. First, talking about commitment so early will scare away most men in general, even if they really like you to begin with. And second, never tell him that you aren't sure if he is the one- KEEP THIS TO YOURSELF. This makes men feel like they are just on the dating assembly line and are being evaluated by the quality control department before being rejected and thrown into the garbage can.

Be feminine! Be sensual! Be seductive! BE ROMANTIC! This early part of your relationship should be super fun without a stitch of drama. Good men hate this and will run. In closing, keep it real, and let things flow naturally. If it feels wrong, move on. If it feels right, go with it and see what happens. Stop worrying about all the stupid dating rules. As you can see by this forum, and by this thread alone- there are a million different personality types and everyone has their idea of what works for them. The rules are so different for everyone, you just have to find someone with a similar mindset as you.  

Good luck LaPi

Damn this entire post is spot on and excellent advice, ladies cut and paste this to your fridge!  🤣

Edited April 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[glows]

Please don't contact this guy again. Move on. This was too fast (too much too soon). Time out and take a break. He's not on the same page as you so let it go. You don't seem very confident about yourself but please don't beat yourself up over this. 

I would definitely not contact him again. There are plenty of other fish out there. Take your time and don't move into sex too quickly. Keep the dates short and manageable (one or two hours tops). 

[LaPi]

I think that during these 8 dates and endless text messages, he had plenty of possibility to understand where I was headed, and what I wanted. 
I said sentences like “I don’t want to be single, single life is not for me, I was that closeness and bonding” - I said it as early as date 3. 
and he nodded all along, saying s*** like “yup, yup, I hear ya!” 
I said stuff like “I have so many date activities I want to do with you once everything open up” And again... nodding and “yeah that would be great.”

he just didn’t want to say the truth because he wanted to have me around. 

[Versacehottie]

I don't see where he duped you.  You've just reached a point of impasse.  Real or imaginary based on your goals vs his goals and the time in which you want some guarantee that you will reach them.  

What I don't understand or agree with in your thinking about this, is he supposed to show you a bad time to have not been culpable in this? At what point is your expectation that he should have pulled the plug having guessed that YOU weren't on the same page? 

My point being that relationships tend to go at the slower person's pace. If you state your position and he's not willing to meet you there or is not overjoyed that you are feeling that way, then you can walk.  I just don't agree that because it's in your mind/your timeframe that you are the only one in the right. There's no right/wrong. It's how each person chooses to handle this and come to wanting to know they want to commit.

Sometimes the way women speak about this makes it seem like a guy is "on the hook" from the moment he replies to first text message, or first date. No one is on the hook for anything. If you are at an impasse that can't be resolved, one or other or both decides it's not going to work ever or you compromise.