Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[Backinthesaddleagain]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Damn this entire post is spot on and excellent advice, ladies cut and paste this to your fridge!  🤣

Thanks Poppy.

[poppyfields]

32 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Its not what you said... it is what he heard/interpreted from your comments/inquiry.  He read "between the lines" and heard "ring, marriage, set the date, blended families, etc."

That is exactly what I said earlier in the thread, several times in fact.  Thanks Lemming for confirming that, as a man. 

 

[LaPi]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

That is exactly what I said earlier in the thread, several times in fact.  Thanks Lemming for confirming that, as a man. 

 

And this alone shouldn’t be a reason to reach out and “clear the air” - make it clear what we both meant?

I’m just in the bargaining phase. That’s why I want to reach out 

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I’m not even divorced yet

Then what you doing expecting this much commitment? Do you still live with your husband?

[LaPi]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Then what you doing expecting this much commitment? Do you still live with your husband?

Omg. No I don’t. 
you are not helping, I’m sorry 

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, LaPi said:

And this alone shouldn’t be a reason to reach out and “clear the air” - make it clear what we both meant?

I’m just in the bargaining phase. That’s why I want to reach out 

If you think your comments were misinterpreted, send an e-mail with clear & careful wording defining exactly what you meant/need. This situation may be "beyond repair", but an e-mail wouldn't be "out of line" (in my opinion).

I think the relationship was very much in its infancy and needed proper time to develop before you started any "future talk".

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Omg. No I don’t. 

Does he know you're still married? Most people don't want to hold someone's hand through the throes of divorce or be the rebound. 

[Happy Lemming]

22 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I said sentences like “I don’t want to be single, single life is not for me, I was that closeness and bonding” - I said it as early as date 3. 
and he nodded all along, saying s*** like “yup, yup, I hear ya!” 

 

Why would you say this after date 3??  Of course he nodded and said "yup, yup", he was caught off guard and let the comment slide.

By date 8, he was probably thinking... I need to get out of this, NOW!!

 

[Gaeta]

26 minutes ago, LaPi said:

saying s*** like “yup, yup, I hear ya!

That's pretty evasive. It means nothing.

[d0nnivain]

17 minutes ago, LaPi said:

And this alone shouldn’t be a reason to reach out and “clear the air” - make it clear what we both meant?

I’m just in the bargaining phase. That’s why I want to reach out 

Reaching out is a bad plan.  Don't do it.  

Even if I'm wrong about him then only seeing you as being OK with casual at a minimum you are still taking the lead & racing out way ahead of him.  

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, LaPi said:

I did not brought up marriage!
 

 

33 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I said sentences like “I don’t want to be single, single life is not for me, I was that closeness and bonding” - I said it as early as date 3. 
and he nodded all along, saying s*** like “yup, yup, I hear ya!” 

 

You did bring up marriage -- the opposite of being single is being married.

When you say "I don't want to be single"; you are saying "I want to be married".

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

 

You did bring up marriage -- the opposite of being single is being married.

When you say "I don't want to be single"; you are saying "I want to be married".

Of course not , lol

When you are in an exclusive relationship you are no longer single, yet not married. 

 

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

When you are in an exclusive relationship you are no longer single, yet not married.

You can be in an exclusive relationship, but legally YOU ARE SINGLE!

When I fill out my taxes there is no block for "In an exclusive relationship"... I check the "SINGLE" block.

With the exception of "legally separated, widowed or head of household" you are either single or you are married.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

You can be in an exclusive relationship, but legally YOU ARE SINGLE!

You sure OP spoke about it in a legal sense? 

[elaine567]

In think the fact it is one month and a bit of dating is irrelevant as most know exactly where they stand on the  "relationship" question.
This guy has answered that question fully and it is a NO.  Not now and maybe never... That is crystal clear.
There is no ambiguity. 
So I see no point in the OP reaching out to him unless she is happy to date casual, as that is all he is offering both now and likely in the future...
The main problem I see is his lovebombing and his acting like a bf behaviour as that misled the OP into thinking they were a couple, when in fact that was not further from his mind.
I think it is very easy for those previously married or long term attached to slip into coupley type behaviour with new partners.
Easy to slip into familiarity and to get comfortable, but that is actually cruel if it is not accompanied by feelings but is merely done to get casual sex, as appears to be the case here... 

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You sure OP spoke about it in a legal sense? 

Are you sure that the boyfriend didn't think it meant in the legal sense??

If someone said to me "I don't want to be single", I would think they mean they want to be married.

I'm the "average guy" and that is how I would interpret that sentence.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

If someone said to me "I don't want to be single", I would think they mean they want to be married.

I'm the "average guy" and that is how I would interpret that sentence.

Well, 

You are the average guy that wants nothing to do with marriage, that's why you interpreted it this way. 

[LaPi]

Just now, Happy Lemming said:

Are you sure that the boyfriend didn't think it meant in the legal sense??

If someone said to me "I don't want to be single", I would think they mean they want to be married.

I'm the "average guy" and that is how I would interpret that sentence.

No, cmon. He did not interpreted that way. 
And even the if he did, what is the problem here? 
So you are saying that it is ok for one person to say “I don’t want to be in a relationship” but not ok for another person to say “I want to be married one day”. 
why is that? We all want different things. You are talking like marriage is a bad thing. 
mans yes, of course he knows I’m not divorced yet, he’s not divorced yet either, we talked a lot about relationships in general and we were opening up. 

[cleverusername]

10 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Are you sure that the boyfriend didn't think it meant in the legal sense??

If someone said to me "I don't want to be single", I would think they mean they want to be married.

I'm the "average guy" and that is how I would interpret that sentence.

Man here, this is exactly how I would interpret it

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, LaPi said:

No, cmon. He did not interpreted that way.

Maybe... Maybe not... I have no idea how he interpreted the word "SINGLE" and what his definition of "SINGLE" is.  I know how I define it.  This is where a clearly worded e-mail defining EXACTLY what you meant may be necessary.

6 minutes ago, LaPi said:

You are talking like marriage is a bad thing.

He is going through a divorce, of course he thinks marriage is a bad thing.  That is his present mindset.

 

8 minutes ago, LaPi said:

we talked a lot about relationships in general and we were opening up. 

OK... there really could have been some miscommunication, here.  Again... this is where a carefully, clearly worded e-mail defining EXACTLY what you meant, what you want, etc. may be in order.  With an e-mail, he can read it if he still wants to try to make this work or he can delete it if he is done/done.

[Gaeta]

@cleverusername

@Happy Lemming

Lets say you're both right and the man thought OP was aiming at marriage. How does *I don't want to remarry* ended up getting out of his mouth  with *I am not even sure I want a relationship* ?

[cleverusername]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@cleverusername

@Happy Lemming

Lets say you're both right and the man thought OP was aiming at marriage. How does *I don't want to remarry* ended up getting out of his mouth  with *I am not even sure I want a relationship* ?

can you rephrase this? 

[lana-banana]

You did nothing wrong. If he was really feeling it, he would have responded completely in kind. He's not, he didn't, and going your separate ways is the right call. Please ignore any ridiculous suggestions about how you need to wait years or treat men like delicate snowflakes who need to be lured into the idea of commitment; it's simply not true. When someone's all in, they're all in, period.

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@cleverusername

@Happy Lemming

 How does *I don't want to remarry* ended up getting out of his mouth  with *I am not even sure I want a relationship* ?

The guy is going through a divorce... you don't think he is raw and upset?? (think about his present mindset)

[LaPi]

@clever username

@Happy Lemming

@Gaeta

I honestly don’t think “marriage” was in anybody’s mind. 
what I think, is that I see a man in my future, a committed and loving relationship where I can be myself, supported and where I can love and support him. 
I was married for 5 years to an abusive partner and I have all the right to be happy with my love life. 
the problem here is, marriage or not marriage, that he doesn’t want that, maybe he wants to date multiple people, f** around, have “fun” and never let himself be vulnerable with someone or deeply trust someone with his heart. 
 

yeah, I don’t want that.