Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[spiderowl]

29 minutes ago, balin said:

I can't help thinking that this threw him somewhat, in the moment

It suggests an imbalance (or a test) and his response was coloured by defense and seeked to mirror the sentiment , but came off rather harshly.

How should he have responded.

I agree that he might have interpreted this as meaning, "I am not sure you are going to be the one".  We don't know, basically.

I think that what is important here, OP, is that you felt you made yourself vulnerable and, for whatever reason, his response did not seem appropriate.  Up until this point, you were both bonding and enjoying time getting to know each other.  If the guy does not respond with kindness and affection to her vulnerability, whatever was said, she is going to feel that he does not care.  This is why she ended it at that point.

A lot went on in that conversation so it is understandable that the OP is questioning whether she understood things correctly or not.  I still think at this point that it is up to him to approach her if the conversation needs clarifying.  He should also be agonising about whether he reassured her enough that he wants to be with her and made her feel secure enough in the relationship.  Whether he is or not, is anyone's guess!  Obviously, if he did not want anything long term, then the OP did exactly the right thing by opting out.

Edited April 15, 2021 by spiderowl

[robaday]

As a guy I normally wait until two months or so to decide if I am in a relationship, that's enough time for me to know if I am serious about someone but I wouldn't bring it up sooner. I am normally exclusive (not agreed with the person just its easier for me) after four dates or so but in terms of agreeing I am in a committed relationship it does take me some time to "get there" with someone.

Also if someone has come on too strong I might say what this guy said and try and calm them a little....misleading maybe, but if they chill a bit I am just as likely to end up in a committed relationship with them. 

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, LaPi said:

back to last week, we were having a great time sharing stuff about our life and he said “life is pretty hard right now, I know how much easier would be with a partner” 

and I said to him.. a bit shy “well ...even if I cannot help you in your everyday life.. but you kinda have a partner now” 

and he smiled, leaned forward and kissed me. 

no seriously, wasn’t I supposed to think we were on the same page??? 

This silent smiling and distracting you  by kissing you was his way of not answering the question but you thought it meant he cared about you.
Wrong.
This guy is a menace, he is dating woman who want relationships when all he wants is casual
Unfortunately some men, especially hurt, damaged, emotionally unavailable  men are like that.
They don't want anything serious, they want casual, but they don't want to date "casual" women, they want serious, honest relationship type women, "good" women, but discard them as soon as they get bored or the heat gets turned up.

[Sun Seeker]

Wow some really terrible advice in this thread. OP ignore the posters who think you brought up this issue too soon, that you 'scared' him, that you put him on the spot, that you gave him flashbacks from his failed marriage, and the most ridiculous idea that the words 'single' and 'partner' have some sort of meaning in relation to marriage in this context.

What happened here is really simple.

Us men can tell very soon whether a woman has potential to be something long term, or whether we relegate her to the 'only good enough to spend time with and/or fulfil my sexual needs'. By having potential it does not mean that we have already decided we want a relationship with them, but that if things continue positively, a relationship will be the natural development.

After one month and 8 dates he 100% knew exactly what group to put you in. He probably knew after 1-2 dates as it doesn't take us long to decide. Why did he carry on with all the affection and talk? Because he wanted to have someone to spend time with and fulfil his sexual needs, as that's the group he put you in. Us men will say or do anything if it means we can keep a woman around for sex.

He already decided he did not want a relationship... with you. When you brought up the subject, he realised that the expiry date had been reached, as you were no longer happy in the group you had been put in.

When the other person feels the same about you as you do about them, there will be no such thing as too soon, and they will be jumping at the opportunity to turn things more serious so that nobody else can have you. They realise your worth, and how special you are. This guy did none of this. Find someone else who appreciates you for you.

[CommanderCody799]

9 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

Wow some really terrible advice in this thread

Exactly!!! 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, LaPi said:

I’m questioning myself 

There's no misunderstanding. He doesn't want what you want . At least with you.

He already basically told you "bye, have a nice life, hope you find what you are looking for"  so why contact him.

Move forward a bit more experienced and wiser. Hopefully.

He dumped you and that's ok. When push came to shove, your approach wasn't working so he set you free.

Take that freedom and use it to reflect and screen better. No one pays attention to "looking for relationship" on a profile.

A relationship is built in real time in person when there's mutual interest.

Unfortunately it seems like he was into sex, not you. So delete and block him and move forward.

 

[introverted1]

10 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

So when a guy that's a bit older potentially places himself at financial risk, at some level he's thinking "what's in it for me?" 

Especially a guy who is STILL MARRIED and going through the divorce process.

 

9 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

Some people when forced and don't feel clear say no.

Yep.  I relate to this.  If I don't know and have said as much and am then pressed to know, I will default to the "no" position.  Because if I say "yes" and it turns out later that my "don't know" should have been a "no," it will seem duplicitous to have said "Yes."

Also, let's face it, this guy is not an idiot.  When she says she is looking for a partner, she means HIM, so when she is asking if he wants a relationship/lifetime commitment, the context is WITH HER.  And one month in is too soon to know this. 

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I have never dated a man passed 4-5 dates without confirming we are exclusive. If he has a problem with it at 8 dates, drop him.

They were exclusive.  She says this early on in the thread.  Only later, in an attempt to paint him with suspicion, does she back-track and claim that they are only exclusive due to covid. This appears to be her spin, not anything he said.

5 hours ago, Alpaca said:

According to her initial post, he said "he's just not sure and doesn't want a relationship."

Doesn't want a relationship right now.  (She makes no attempt to clarify what he means by this, especially given that, based on actions, they are essentially in a relationship).

Quote

If someone says "they don't want a relationship," what do you suggest would be the prudent thing to do?

At one month in? I wouldn't ask this question.  If things were progressing (and they were - they were seeing each other 2x/week, had established exclusivity, were developing emotional intimacy), this is not a question I'd force after just one month, particularly when both of us were still in the throes of finalising our divorces.

Edited April 15, 2021 by introverted1

[Alpacalia]

51 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Doesn't want a relationship right now.  (She makes no attempt to clarify what he means by this, especially given that, based on actions, they are essentially in a relationship).

I only asked the question because it was pointed out that the OP did not ask him what he wanted nor made an attempt to understand what he wants after he said “he doesn’t want a relationship right now” but instead chose to stop dating him.

[LaPi]

9 hours ago, LaPi said:

back to last week, we were having a great time sharing stuff about our life and he said “life is pretty hard right now, I know how much easier would be with a partner” 

and I said to him.. a bit shy “well ...even if I cannot help you in your everyday life.. but you kinda have a partner now” 

and he smiled, leaned forward and kissed me. 

Curious to know what you guys think of this quoted section. 
My frustration comes from the fact that I thought I knew where the relationship was going. To the point that I thought he was really, really into me, just maybe a bit cautious. 
And i believe he just let me thought that, just because it was easier rather than having a real conversation about it. 

 

[d0nnivain]

What I think of the quoted section goes back to the posts from some of the men here on LS.  He's been giving you some time but that last conversation seemed like you wanted even more & the only more was marriage.  Again not what you said but what he heard.  

[elaine567]

18 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

What I think of the quoted section goes back to the posts from some of the men here on LS.  He's been giving you some time but that last conversation seemed like you wanted even more & the only more was marriage.  Again not what you said but what he heard.  

NO, he knew exactly what you said. Men are not stupid.
He just does not want to be in a relationship, he wants to be as free as a bird, no expectations, no recriminations, no explanations. 
Which is all very well, but he put on the whole nice bf act, and that is a bit disingenuous and sneaky. 

[glows]

28 minutes ago, LaPi said:

My frustration comes from the fact that I thought I knew where the relationship was going. To the point that I thought he was really, really into me, just maybe a bit cautious. 
 

You can't always know though. That's the kicker. Call it pride or ego or confidence or being butthurt, whatever we would like to call it. You cannot always know. That's what the dating process is for and to suss out whether that other person is compatible or shares the same views, or whether that other person feels the same way. 

My first read is that he's lukewarm about you, sensing that his responses were rather flat and lame. 

Now thinking about it again, he may be confused or unsure about you and that is even worse, imo. If by now he is not sure about ever being in a relationship, that type of confusion is not what you want to be dealing with six months or a year or six years from now. Is it not a turn off?

[LaPi]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

You can't always know though. That's the kicker. Call it pride or ego or confidence or being butthurt, whatever we would like to call it. You cannot always know. That's what the dating process is for and to suss out whether that other person is compatible or shares the same views, or whether that other person feels the same way. 

My first read is that he's lukewarm about you, sensing that his responses were rather flat and lame. 

Now thinking about it again, he may be confused or unsure about you and that is even worse, imo. If by now he is not sure about ever being in a relationship, that type of confusion is not what you want to be dealing with six months or a year or six years from now. Is it not a turn off?

It is a turn off. 
He might be lukewarm, but he said to me stuff like “I’m very happy when I’m with you” 

“I like you” - “I feel incredible” 

“I have you in my life now” 

that came across as non-lukewarm. 

[Gaeta]

10 hours ago, LaPi said:

and I said to him.. a bit shy “well ...even if I cannot help you in your everyday life.. but you kinda have a partner now” 

and he smiled, leaned forward and kissed me. 
no seriously, wasn’t I supposed to think we were on the same page??? 

Ok, LaPi: It's the 2nd time I catch you giving meaning to this guy silence! You said when you told him about wanting a partner he replied *I hear ya* and now when you tell him he has a partner in you he says nothing. All this is him giving you a pretty clear signal he's not on the same page as you. Don't give meanings to silences !

[LaPi]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Ok, LaPi: It's the 2nd time I catch you giving meaning to this guy silence! You said when you told him about wanting a partner he replied *I hear ya* and now when you tell him he has a partner in you he says nothing. All this is him giving you a pretty clear signal he's not on the same page as you. Don't give meanings to silences !

True. But not everyone talk openly about their emotions. He's nervous around me sometimes. I assumed that if someone wants to - let's say - go eat meat in a restaurant and I am vegetarian, I am not just going to smile and nod along ..... ??? 

He had plenty of possibilities to share his point of view on this. 

[glows]

12 minutes ago, LaPi said:

It is a turn off. 
He might be lukewarm, but he said to me stuff like “I’m very happy when I’m with you” 

“I like you” - “I feel incredible” 

“I have you in my life now” 

that came across as non-lukewarm. 

I'd always watch the feet, the actions of someone, rather than their words. I do know someone like this who has flowers sprouting from his mouth every time we talk. You would think he worships me and wants to be with me but I know better than that (we've known each other for a long time). 

Maybe you need to have him in your life only to realize that he's not the one for you? How else would you know or move forwards with any conviction from your own life lessons if you don't see for yourself? 

That's why I asked earlier if you feel strongly about it and are very curious, you might as well contact him again and find out more for yourself. You seem to care about him a lot so why not? The worst case scenario is that the partnership loses steam and he lets you know a second time that he's not quite feeling it. The best case scenario is you both have a better understanding of what's going on.

 

 

[Sun Seeker]

1 minute ago, LaPi said:

He had plenty of possibilities to share his point of view on this. 

But why would he? Why give up having someone to spend time with instead of being alone, someone to cuddle with, someone to have sex with? Off course he is going to play along, tell you what you want to hear, not tell you what you don't want to hear, for as long as he possibly can.

You need to stop thinking men and women think the same. We don't.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, LaPi said:

Curious to know what you guys think of this quoted section. 

I would focus on his comment "sorry, hope you find what you're looking for".

Just move forward, why backpedal and ruminate this much about a guy who you had 8 dates with?

 Are you still active on dating apps? Which ones are you using? Start talking to and meeting other men. This guy has already moved on.

[LaPi]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

The worst case scenario is that the partnership loses steam and he lets you know a second time that he's not quite feeling it. The best case scenario is you both have a better understanding of what's going on.

The worst case scenario is that I get another rejection right there, after my text message in the attempt to contact him. And I am torn about contact him and see what happens or just let it go and keep my dignity intact. 

I left hugging him, telling him the I cared about him and I wanted him to be happy. I left with a smile on my face. I showed him the kind of woman I am, not the crazy-yelling-crying-shaming one. 

He lost a good one, telling you!! 😅 ahah

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

What I think of the quoted section goes back to the posts from some of the men here on LS.  He's been giving you some time but that last conversation seemed like you wanted even more & the only more was marriage.  Again not what you said but what he heard.  

As a man... I agree with this assessment 100%. 

That is how I would interpret it and what I would hear.  Add to the fact, that on the 3rd date you stated you didn't like being "single".  My brain would be putting 2 and 2 together and thinking you are talking about marriage and pushing for marriage. At 1 month and 8 dates, I'd be running away.

[LaPi]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I would focus on his comment "sorry, hope you find what you're looking for".

Just move forward, why backpedal and ruminate this much about a guy who you had 8 dates with?

 Are you still active on dating apps? Which ones are you using? Start talking to and meeting other men. This guy has already moved on.

Because I was feeling something quite good for this one and I can just turn off the switch like that. Plus, in Toronto, I am not feeling safe anymore to date around. Not before I get my vaccine at least. I met him on Bumble - he was so happy I messaged him and we hit it off instantly. 

8 dates to me is something. You should understand that I never saw this as casual or just pass the time. I was building something so I am actually dealing with a *little* breakup pain. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I never saw this as casual or just pass the time. 

Bumble is good. Are you from different cultures, religions, or socioeconomic backgrounds? Seems to be a vast differential in how you view things, vs modern Canadian dating/relationships.

He just seemed put off by your 'serious' talk. why is that?

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I left with a smile on my face. I showed him the kind of woman I am, not the crazy-yelling-crying-shaming one. 

 

Meh, who cares what he thinks of you if you don't see him again ever?

I remember dating a man for 3 months when he told me *he's not feeling it* . I was SO freakin mad! Who waits 3 months to disclose such a thing?? I threw at him every word not in the dictionary and it felt good!! I didn't give a heck about what he thought of me.

[glows]

5 minutes ago, LaPi said:

The worst case scenario is that I get another rejection right there, after my text message in the attempt to contact him. And I am torn about contact him and see what happens or just let it go and keep my dignity intact. 

I left hugging him, telling him the I cared about him and I wanted him to be happy. I left with a smile on my face. I showed him the kind of woman I am, not the crazy-yelling-crying-shaming one. 

He lost a good one, telling you!! 😅 ahah

Both of you are only two people, nothing else. I think you've got him on a pedestal of some sort. Rejection isn't bad. People think of it as an awful thing that needs to be avoided at all costs but a fragile ego is not exactly an attractive trait. Rejection is a product of interactions with others and sometimes other people don't feel the same way. Try not to build this up in your mind too much. You'll be operating on lots of fear. You deserve to live your life free from all that and your own judgment of yourself. Give yourself room to grow and make mistakes. 

What matters is what you think of this guy. If he's not the one for you, he's not. If you're lukewarm about him and finding yourself uninterested, then move on. It doesn't really matter what he lost. What matters is what you gain. You see him as a person for what he is and what he brings into your life (or lack thereof). 

[LaPi]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

remember dating a man for 3 months when he told me *he's not feeling it* . I was SO freakin mad! Who waits 3 months to disclose such a thing?? I threw at him every word not in the dictionary and it felt good!! I didn't give a heck about what he thought of me.

This I can respect!!! ahahah 

I just, in general, someone who take the hight road. I hate conflict. I was married to an abusive partner yelling in my face everyday. I am not like that.