Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[LaPi]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Both of you are only two people, nothing else. I think you've got him on a pedestal of some sort. Rejection isn't bad. People think of it as an awful thing that needs to be avoided at all costs but a fragile ego is not exactly an attractive trait. Rejection is a product of interactions with others and sometimes other people don't feel the same way. Try not to build this up in your mind too much. You'll be operating on lots of fear. You deserve to live your life free from all that and your own judgment of yourself. Give yourself room to grow and make mistakes. 

What matters is what you think of this guy. If he's not the one for you, he's not. If you're lukewarm about him and finding yourself uninterested, then move on. It doesn't really matter what he lost. What matters is what you gain. You see him as a person for what he is and what he brings into your life (or lack thereof). 

I am not lukewarm about him. I was smiling just thinking of him. I don't know you guys in the States, but here in Toronto we are in a lockdown since forever. We can't see family or friends, we are alone and alienated. The fact that this man was making me forget what was wrong in the world it meant something for me and it just hurts a lot that I was the only one feeling this. 

*If* I ever contact him - I would do it for me - because I would hate going on with my life thinking "what if". I am not ok with what ifs, lots of people are. 

[Gaeta]

Why do you think *he* doesn't feel the need to clarify things with you?

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

He just does not want to be in a relationship, he wants to be as free as a bird, no expectations, no recriminations, no explanations.

If that were true, he would lie and tell her what she wanted to hear.

I can't tell you the number of women I lied to so I could continue to sleep with them. 

If the sex was bad or she was a pain in butt, then I would use her own words to extricate myself from the situation.  In my experience, Its always better to let the woman think she dumped you vs. being the dumper. Its less hassle and less angst. 

Maybe the OP gave him the "out" he was looking for.  With all of this marriage/dislike being single talk and him still going through the divorce process, maybe she played right into his hands and gave him the "out" he was looking for.

[LaPi]

6 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

If that were true, he would lie and tell her what she wanted to hear.

I can't tell you the number of women I lied to so I could continue to sleep with them. 

If the sex was bad or she was a pain in butt, then I would use her own words to extricate myself from the situation.  In my experience, Its always better to let the woman think she dumped you vs. being the dumper. Its less hassle and less angst. 

Maybe the OP gave him the "out" he was looking for.  With all of this marriage/dislike being single talk and him still going through the divorce process, maybe she played right into his hands and gave him the "out" he was looking for.

No, this is for sure what did NOT happen that night. He actually told me - don't overthink it, I am happy with you, I want to continue, Mondays are the best day of the week for me since I met you.

And then I said: "me too, all that you just said, but I do deserve to be with someone who really wants me and who wants the same things as me" 

And he said: "yeah, I am sorry, I understand".

So the problem here is not that he was looking for a way out. The problem here is that he wanted just pass the time. That he was confused about us and maybe he didn't see potential in us, in me. And I cannot accept that, don't you think? For self respect. 

[LaPi]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Why do you think *he* doesn't feel the need to clarify things with you?

Well I hope he does! I would love for him to reach out to me. I just think that won't happen because he's not that into me and that hurts. 

[Gaeta]

Just now, LaPi said:

 I just think that won't happen because he's not that into me and that hurts. 

I'm glad you understand that. 

You're a smart woman. I was in your position in the past and let it play out for an entire year and nothing changed. After a year his position was still 'why put a name on this', 'we're having a good time why do you want to make it complicated', etc etc etc. 

[Happy Lemming]

20 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Why do you think *he* doesn't feel the need to clarify things with you?

Because he wanted "out" and she handed to him on a silver platter.

[LaPi]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm glad you understand that. 

You're a smart woman. I was in your position in the past and let it play out for an entire year and nothing changed. After a year his position was still 'why put a name on this', 'we're having a good time why do you want to make it complicated', etc etc etc. 

I am sorry that happened to you. I just think that if I am into someone a lot, I just don't let him go away like this out of fear. But everyone's different, especially people who are "damaged" if you will, who are scared to let someone in. 

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, LaPi said:

No, this is for sure what did NOT happen that night. He actually told me - don't overthink it, I am happy with you, I want to continue, Mondays are the best day of the week for me since I met you.

 

Yes... he likes having sex with you on Mondays, which leaves him 6 other days (including the weekend) to attempt to find someone better (when he doesn't have his kids), but he still gets laid until he finds the "NEXT" woman.

 

11 minutes ago, LaPi said:

And then I said: "me too, all that you just said, but I do deserve to be with someone who really wants me and who wants the same things as me" 

And he said: "yeah, I am sorry, I understand".

Again... you handed him his "out" on a silver platter.  Nice and easy, he gets to slither away, no muss, no fuss.

I guess you could test this theory, send him that "clarification" e-mail and see if he responds.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I cannot accept that, don't you think? For self respect. 

"Self respect" would be accepting it as a part  of dating and walking away. Not chasing someone who dumped you. Perhaps you're just too angry and raw to date?

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, LaPi said:

Curious to know what you guys think of this quoted section. 
My frustration comes from the fact that I thought I knew where the relationship was going. To the point that I thought he was really, really into me, just maybe a bit cautious. 
And i believe he just let me thought that, just because it was easier rather than having a real conversation about it. 

 

Huh?  You are reading so much into it because of your manipulations and not just letting it unfold or have a direct conversation about direct and clear things.  This above is frankly, confusing.

If as you are kind of saying now in some subsequent posts that he said "i don't want a relationship" and you do want one (which I know you do). It's very simple. Walk away.

I take and have taken the majority of what you've written on this thread that you were trying to pressure him, converse with him in a very roundabout way about whether or not the two of you would be committed partners.  And he basically did not give you a concrete answer at this point because he cannot yet.  You drew all sorts of erroneous conclusions (potentially) and cut it off & he wished you well (vs chasing you).

[Gaeta]

Well, who knows how he interpreted it, we are a dozen posters here who have all interpreted it a different way. 

[Versacehottie]

13 hours ago, LaPi said:

life is pretty hard right now, I know how much easier would be with a partner” 

BTW, this is you asking for a savior, not really a partner.  You are still married, have children and no real family where you are.  You posed this heavy weighted discussion where the primary crux of it is that you needed a crutch to lean on rather than something that was equal or was of value to him.  A) wrong intention and motivation behind your question/statement B) too soon.  It's like you are looking for a parachute or lifeline with that statement.  

For a guy--especially with heavy, entangled life of his own--this is a huge burden to accept and one that he'd be smart to think over carefully and have WAY more information from the dating stages to have the security that it should be something he should move forward with.

 

[LaPi]

That's right, who knows. 

He could be hurt too right now or he could be happy as a clam, not giving a second thought. 

The only way to find out, is to reach out, maybe just saying "I'm sad things went that way with us" 

and there are only two ways he could respond. 

 "I'm sorry too, take care" 

OR 

"I'm sorry too, let's talk about it" 

 

And that would be my closure (or not). 

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

>>life is pretty hard right now, I know how much easier would be with a partner” <<

BTW, this is you asking for a savior, not really a partner.  

Versacehottie, that (bolded) was something HE said not the OP.

Was he asking for a saviour?

 

Edited April 15, 2021 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Well, who knows how he interpreted it, we are a dozen posters here who have all interpreted it a different way. 

100% Agree... for example @Gaeta & I had completely different interpretations of the "I don't like being single" line you stated on the 3rd date.

 

[LaPi]

8 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

BTW, this is you asking for a savior, not really a partner.  You are still married, have children and no real family where you are.  You posed this heavy weighted discussion where the primary crux of it is that you needed a crutch to lean on rather than something that was equal or was of value to him.  A) wrong intention and motivation behind your question/statement B) too soon.  It's like you are looking for a parachute or lifeline with that statement.  

For a guy--especially with heavy, entangled life of his own--this is a huge burden to accept and one that he'd be smart to think over carefully and have WAY more information from the dating stages to have the security that it should be something he should move forward with.

 

Oh, I see. So because I have baggage with me (like the majority of us) - I am less worthy of a commitment? I've been in Canada 10 years with no family or support system and I can assure you, I am doing just fine. 

I have my own house, my job, my child, my car, my independence and zero debts. The only thing that is missing is the love of a partner. 

I need no crutch to lean on, I am NOT a burden. Rest assure. 

Edited April 15, 2021 by LaPi

[Versacehottie]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

This guy is a menace, he is dating woman who want relationships when all he wants is casual

Is he though? I believe she said she met him on tinder.  While all levels of relationships come out of tinder, definitely a huge push is casual/just for fun/undefined.  They are both still married.  Under this logic they are both menaces.  Also being that the majority of tinder is more casual, she could as easily be considered bait and switch on him.

BTW, just giving this as an example since I don't think either of them are menaces. I think they rolled the dice and someone is bound to be disappointed.

Also since they are both married, I would suggest if she wants serious relationships, she should complete her divorce so she is viewed that way. And don't date married guys. OP, is making this a lot more complicated than it needs to be. The facts are simple enough.

[Versacehottie]

2 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Oh, I see. So because I have baggage with me (like the majority of us) - I am less worthy of a commitment? I've been in Canada 10 years with no family or support system and I can assure you, I am doing just fine. 

I have my own house, my job, my child, my car, my independence and zero debts. The only thing that is missing is the love of a partner. 

I need no crutch to lean on, I am NOT a burden. Rest assure. 

Who said that? Not me.  Effectively I said that you presented your case FOR commitment by leading with the fact that life is hard, "can you save me?"

It's making erroneous deductions from other people's words that got you in this predicament, just saying.  Try not to repeat it with the advice you are being given and quotes you attribute to me.

[LaPi]

1 minute ago, Versacehottie said:

Is he though? I believe she said she met him on tinder.  While all levels of relationships come out of tinder, definitely a huge push is casual/just for fun/undefined.  They are both still married.  Under this logic they are both menaces.  Also being that the majority of tinder is more casual, she could as easily be considered bait and switch on him.

BTW, just giving this as an example since I don't think either of them are menaces. I think they rolled the dice and someone is bound to be disappointed.

Also since they are both married, I would suggest if she wants serious relationships, she should complete her divorce so she is viewed that way. And don't date married guys. OP, is making this a lot more complicated than it needs to be. The facts are simple enough.

First of all, I am not on Tinder. I met him on Bumble, my profile clearly stated I wanted a relationship. 

Second of all, do you understand there is a difference (a BIG difference) between: married - separated - divorced? 

I am separated, I live on my own and it's been a while now. I have zero legal or emotional attachment to my ex husband. I am a free woman and he's a free man. Emotionally. The only difference is that I need a divorce to get married again, otherwise I can stay married forever and live with another partner - and it would be totally fine. 

[LaPi]

2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Who said that? Not me.  Effectively I said that you presented your case FOR commitment by leading with the fact that life is hard, "can you save me?"

It's making erroneous deductions from other people's words that got you in this predicament, just saying.  Try not to repeat it with the advice you are being given and quotes you attribute to me.

HE told me "life would me much easier with a partner" - NOT ME. 

 

[poppyfields]

>>life is pretty hard right now, I know how much easier would be with a partner” <<

LaPi, can you clarify who made this^ comment?  

I thought it was your ex who said it, but V seems to think it was you who said it.

I'm utterly confused now.

 

Edited April 15, 2021 by poppyfields

[Versacehottie]

1 minute ago, LaPi said:

HE told me "life would me much easier with a partner" - NOT ME. 

 

Oh got it. Well I still stand by what I said. You did say your mindset is exactly the same.

[introverted1]

21 minutes ago, LaPi said:

That's right, who knows. 

He could be hurt too right now or he could be happy as a clam, not giving a second thought. 

The only way to find out, is to reach out, maybe just saying "I'm sad things went that way with us" 

and there are only two ways he could respond. 

 "I'm sorry too, take care" 

OR 

"I'm sorry too, let's talk about it" 

 

And that would be my closure (or not). 

Don't do this. For one, you are again imposing a script on him.  You get to say something completely non-committal (I'm sad things went that way with us) and then you put the ball in his court to chase after you (let's talk about it).  If you really want to reach out -- and this is not something I recommend because I think you have burned this bridge -- then at least own what you want and say something like:  I acted too hastily the other day, and I can see that I was pressuring you.  Would you like to start over?

This thing where you are expecting him to chase you and make declarative statements about his undying love is ridiculous.

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

 I acted too hastily the other day, and I can see that I was pressuring you.  Would you like to start over?

She can't say that before he clarifies what is his dating goal.