Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[introverted1]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She can't say that before he clarifies what is his dating goal.

Ok, then she can say:  I acted too hastily.  If you're still interested, I'd like to understand what you are looking for.

But again, I do NOT recommend this.  I think she has effectively nailed this coffin shut and isn't going to get the outcome she wants. So unless she's planning to contact him just so she can come back here and assert to all of us that she was right all along (ode to the self-fulfilling prophecy), there is no point.

[SaraSays]

2 hours ago, LaPi said:

I met him on Bumble - he was so happy I messaged him and we hit it off instantly. 

I find this to be a strange thing to attach any meaning to, albeit I see a lot of people read into things like this, so realise I am in the minority. I doubt any man would respond with "I'm a little bit happy you contacted me", or "I'm indifferent about your message - women have to make the first move on here".

Decorum states we respond enthusiastically to anyone contacting us, with whom there may be potential for something.

I made 2 new friends in recent times, and when both sent me the first messages on the phone, I responded with much the same message to each - that I am happy we can easily stay in-touch, hoping to see them soon, and enjoyed the spontaneous meeting and chat we had, mentioned what I am up to, commented on the weather, said something light-hearted about corona... I like both of them immensely at this stage, both seem very nice, and I'd love them to be friends for a long time, but I didn't craft something especially for them in the first message I sent. I also did not comment on the practicalities of exchanging phone numbers, nor "let's wait and see if you're really the nice person I think you are".

[d0nnivain]

47 minutes ago, LaPi said:

That's right, who knows. 

He could be hurt too right now or he could be happy as a clam, not giving a second thought. 

The only way to find out, is to reach out, maybe just saying "I'm sad things went that way with us" 

and there are only two ways he could respond. 

 "I'm sorry too, take care" 

OR 

"I'm sorry too, let's talk about it" 

 

And that would be my closure (or not). 

Nope.  Once you reach out, he will know that he can walk all over you like a cheap doormat for the rest of your interactions.  

He will interpret you taking the initiative as you being willing to accept crumbs.  he won't perceive it as you being the mature peace maker.  I'm usually all for extending an olive branch but not here.  There is a power dynamic.  Being willing to accept responsibility is not the same as caving to someone's request then you accept less than you know you are worth.  

[SaraSays]

2 hours ago, LaPi said:

I would hate going on with my life thinking "what if". I am not ok with what ifs, lots of people are. 

This mentality will torment you, because you will never know someone else's intentions, nor if what they say or do means what you think it does. Connections of any sort (friendship, colleagues, neighbours, love) all require a leap of faith, a jump into the unknown, require us to let down our guards all the while knowing someone could cause us great pain, or things still might not work out as we'd hoped, even when 2 people have the best of intentions...

[Ami1uwant]

On 4/13/2021 at 4:56 PM, LaPi said:

After a month and some of dating, and 8 amazing and very loving and romantic dates (sleeping in each other's house, holding hands while walking, stop the movie to kiss etc..) I told him I know what I wanted for me: I wanted a partner in my future, not sure yet if that partner will be him, but I definitely was seeing myself in a committed relationship at some point in the future. To my complete shock, he responded that he doesn't know what he wants, if he will ever want a partner, that he's having a good time with me, and "maybe things will go well, maybe not" he's just not sure and doesn't want a relationship, definitely not right now. I was asking for "right now"

So I told him we were not on the same page and even if I didn't want to do it, I needed to stop dating him.

I am 37, single mom. He's 37, single dad of two. 

I was just being transparent of my goals and desires and now I am just crying in my living room, second guessing myself. I am a grown woman, I am allowed to have love life goals and I a man should not be put off by my willingness to be upfront. Especially after being all lovey-dovey for 8 dates. 

Or... Have I acted too fast? 

As you said...you both are late 30s and have kids.

 

what you did is perfectly fine.

 

your goal was to be in a LTIR and not have just a fling. His response was I just want a fling. 
 

an important factor here how ready was he? We’re you the first person he dated after marriage and was the ink still wet?

 

[introverted1]

5 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

We’re you the first person he dated after marriage and was the ink still wet?

 

There is no ink.  They are both still married.

[SaraSays]

9 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

His response was I just want a fling. 

Incorrect, based on our poster's posts. This did not happen.

[Ami1uwant]

57 minutes ago, LaPi said:

First of all, I am not on Tinder. I met him on Bumble, my profile clearly stated I wanted a relationship. 

Second of all, do you understand there is a difference (a BIG difference) between: married - separated - divorced? 

I am separated, I live on my own and it's been a while now. I have zero legal or emotional attachment to my ex husband. I am a free woman and he's a free man. Emotionally. The only difference is that I need a divorce to get married again, otherwise I can stay married forever and live with another partner - and it would be totally fine. 

Why are you just separated?

 

to me this is a red flag on dating.  Why should I waste my time dating someone I can’t marry or lose because they go back to the spouse.

 

I understand there can be reasons for this such as health insurance coverage.

 

 

[Gaeta]

OP has said several times, the divorce is on its way, it's delayed at court because of covid.

Guys, it took years for my divorce to be final. We were legally separated, our assets were separated, the stamp on the divorce paper was a formality. My ex had already another partner and a child with her when our divorce was final. 

[LaPi]

I am also thinking, based on my experience (been on dating apps for more than a year now) - quality is generally very very low in the app and even the "amazing" people turn out to want just flings. 

I am very discouraged at this point. After the experience with this man, I have just nightmares to go back on the app. 

For what? Waiting for the next heartbreak? Do relationships actually happens with people on the app? Or the "next person" is just too tempting for them? 

[d0nnivain]

@LaPi

I did OLD for 90 days.  That is how horrid I found it.  With covid & lockdowns I don't have meaningful advice about how / where to meet quality people other than try to find a local hiking group or some other outdoor activity that is permitted.  

I have always found more quality partners by meeting them IRL. 

Best wishes & happy hunting.  

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I am also thinking, based on my experience (been on dating apps for more than a year now) - quality is generally very very low in the app and even the "amazing" people turn out to want just flings. 

I have so many positive experiences around me of couples meeting online that are still lasting in time but for me it's been a series of disappointments. I met my ex online, we were together for 5 years, I thought he was the salt of the earth and turns out he was a big cheater, keeping online profiles active and sleeping around.

I'm going back to dating in June (we're suppose to be all vaccinated by June 24th), I'm not sure I will do online again. I think I'll have  better chance at Home Depot. 

[LaPi]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I think I'll have  better chance at Home Depot.

ahahah I agree this 100% - at least he'll be a handy man! 

To me it's just disappointing, but then I think, well, I am on the dating apps, and I am serious about finding a partner and give 100% of my attention, is it possible that I am the only one? 

[Backinthesaddleagain]

Just now, LaPi said:

I am also thinking, based on my experience (been on dating apps for more than a year now) - quality is generally very very low in the app and even the "amazing" people turn out to want just flings. 

I am very discouraged at this point. After the experience with this man, I have just nightmares to go back on the app. 

For what? Waiting for the next heartbreak? Do relationships actually happens with people on the app? Or the "next person" is just too tempting for them? 

After reading your posts, and this one in particular- I think it might be time for you to take a step back and breathe a bit before giving it another go. You aren't going to find or attract someone awesome while you are feeling like this and putting off such negative energy. I was at this point last year. I ended up taking a couple breaks here and there when it became too much and got back into searching after I wasn't so irritable about dating and the entire online process. 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

After reading your posts, and this one in particular- I think it might be time for you to take a step back and breathe a bit before giving it another go.

Absolutely, when I was online I stayed visible 2 weeks then took a 2 week break, and so on. This way I did not over-expose myself and each time I went back there were new prospects. 

[LaPi]

6 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

After reading your posts, and this one in particular- I think it might be time for you to take a step back and breathe a bit before giving it another go. You aren't going to find or attract someone awesome while you are feeling like this and putting off such negative energy. I was at this point last year. I ended up taking a couple breaks here and there when it became too much and got back into searching after I wasn't so irritable about dating and the entire online process. 

Yes, I am bitter. I really thought he was good for me. 

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Absolutely, when I was online I stayed visible 2 weeks then took a 2 week break, and so on. This way I did not over-expose myself and each time I went back there were new prospects. 

Yes, I am on "snooze" on the dating app, it's been a month now. Because I met him, and I was not interested in anyone else. Also, when I met him, I actually had 3 or 4 others I went on a first date with, and he was the only one I continued with. All my eggs in one basket? Yes, that's what I do. I just don't have time/interest in dating multiple guys, that's not how my brain is wired. I liked him, the connection was stellar, that's all I needed to know to start dating him. 

[Backinthesaddleagain]

Just now, LaPi said:

ahahah I agree this 100% - at least he'll be a handy man! 

To me it's just disappointing, but then I think, well, I am on the dating apps, and I am serious about finding a partner and give 100% of my attention, is it possible that I am the only one? 

The problem is we are all looking for something specific for us as individuals (and some people are very picky and not willing to settle). Now factor in that these men you are dating are also looking for something specific (and some of those men are picky and not willing to settle). It's not as simple as finding someone you think is amazing. That person also has to think you are amazing too. Sometimes, you jump out of the gate hand-in-hand and either you or him change your mind. It's no big deal, keep at it. 

The frustrating part for me was that I don't like to multidate and without that, OLD is A LOT harder and more time-consuming. If you aren't willing to invest a serious amount of time looking for someone, you most likely won't have much success with it. 

You have to meet a lot of birds before you find your penguin  

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Also, when I met him, I actually had 3 or 4 others I went on a first date with, and he was the only one I continued with. All my eggs in one basket? Yes, that's what I do. I just don't have time/interest in dating multiple guys, that's not how my brain is wired. I liked him, the connection was stellar, that's all I needed to know to start dating him. 

When you speak with multiple men and you pick one, you kind of burn your bridges with the other 3. 

I'm a bit of an expert at this, I was online 3,5 years 🙂  . Among my messages I picked one I was interested in. I left the other messages unanswered. If the one I picked was interesting we met. Once, twice. Most dates don't go further than 1-2 dates. So after I eliminated that prospect after 1-2 dates, I went back to my messages and answered the 2nd most interesting message in my in-box. 

See, if you talk to several men and you click with one, inevitably you will put the other ones on hold. No one likes to be put on hold. You can't put a prospect aside for a full week then get back to him, no one wants to be treated like that. 

[LaPi]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

When you speak with multiple men and you pick one, you kind of burn your bridges with the other 3. 

I'm a bit of an expert at this, I was online 3,5 years 🙂  . Among my messages I picked one I was interested in. I left the other messages unanswered. If the one I picked was interesting we met. Once, twice. Most dates don't go further than 1-2 dates. So after I eliminated that prospect after 1-2 dates, I went back to my messages and answered the 2nd most interesting message in my in-box. 

See, if you talk to several men and you click with one, inevitably you will put the other ones on hold. No one likes to be put on hold. You can't put a prospect aside for a full week then get back to him, no one wants to be treated like that. 

This all make sense and I agree with you. 
 

however, with this guy was different. 
I honestly thought I wasn’t even interested at first, I wasn’t even that attracted to him. 

And then... first date.. and I went home with butterflies in my stomach. 
And believe me, it doesn’t happen often at all. 

[SaraSays]

9 minutes ago, LaPi said:

This all make sense and I agree with you. 
 

however, with this guy was different. 
I honestly thought I wasn’t even interested at first, I wasn’t even that attracted to him. 

And then... first date.. and I went home with butterflies in my stomach. 
And believe me, it doesn’t happen often at all. 

Limerence lasts up to 3 months - it's the period when we're all wearing rose-tinted glasses, and maintain a masquerade about both who we are, and who the other person is. Beyond 3 months is when we all start to behave as ourselves.

[Gaeta]

18 minutes ago, LaPi said:

And then... first date.. and I went home with butterflies in my stomach. 
And believe me, it doesn’t happen often at all. 

We could talk about that for another 16 pages. The butterflies in our stomach are a chemical reaction in our brain that has been programmed in us to mate to insure the survival of our species. That same chemical reaction will also prevent us from seeing each other's flaws & deceptions. The mating call is THAT strong. Now we are thousands of years later, women have other priorities than making babies and picking berries and men have other priorities than hunting. Now we have developed into complexed human beings with interests, hobbies and portfolios. We need more than butterflies to build on for a relationship to last. Butterflies is the very last thing I am looking for. I look for common interests, common goals, common life style, and a connection. That connection will grow into love. 

Edited April 15, 2021 by Gaeta

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, SaraSays said:

Connections of any sort (friendship, colleagues, neighbours, love) all require a leap of faith, a jump into the unknown, require us to let down our guards all the while knowing someone could cause us great pain, or things still might not work out as we'd hoped, even when 2 people have the best of intentions...

I love this!  So so true.  

Edited April 15, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, LaPi said:

For what? Waiting for the next heartbreak? Do relationships actually happens with people on the app? Or the "next person" is just too tempting for them? 

LaPi, read my previous post quoting SaraSays.  I am cutting and pasting it to my "favorites" to refer to whenever I feel down or get "scared" or whatever.

The key is knowing you are resilient and that no matter what happens, you will be okay.   Stronger, wiser.

 

Edited April 15, 2021 by poppyfields

[LaPi]

4 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

an important factor here how ready was he? We’re you the first person he dated after marriage and was the ink still wet?

No, his wife left two years ago. TWO! And I was scared all along he still had some lingering feelings so I did ask him multiple times: "Are you still involved with your ex? If she comes back, will you take her back" - and he said always NO, giving explanation.

Honestly, I would not ask those kind of questions if all I want from someone is just a fling. Who cares if he still loves his ex.

But I wanted something real with him and I am still can't wrap my head around the fact that it's over

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, LaPi said:

 And I was scared all along he still had some lingering feelings so I did ask him multiple times: "Are you still involved with your ex? If she comes back, will you take her back" - and he said always NO, 

I'm starting to think you scared this guy away.  It's pretty heavy stuff you laid on him, asking him **multiple times** about his ex and drilling him with *what if* questions.

That's a big no no.

Why were you scared? Are you naturally scared of trusting or he did or said things that scared you?