Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[LaPi]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

I'm starting to think you scared this guy away.  It's pretty heavy stuff you laid on him, asking him **multiple times** about his ex and drilling him with *what if* questions.

That's a big no no.

Why were you scared? Are you naturally scared of trusting or he did or said things that scared you?

No no, we were mutually asking questions like these, and we were pretty open from the get go. 
We talked about money, we talked about our marriages, exes, divorces, previous relationships, literally a lot of information. 

He talked to me *spontaneously* about his anxiety, about the fact that he's seeing a therapist, about his family, siblings etc. We were both VERY open. 

That's also why I got the wrong idea about the whole thing. 

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm starting to think you scared this guy away. 

 

That is what I said on page 1 of this thread...  1 month and 8 dates and it is no longer about having fun and getting to know one another.  It is all of this heavy "what if" drilling that was mentioned.

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, LaPi said:

We talked about money, we talked about our marriages, exes, divorces, previous relationships, literally a lot of information. 

He talked to me *spontaneously* about his anxiety, about the fact that he's seeing a therapist, about his family, siblings etc. We were both VERY open. 

That is WAY too much sharing, too fast. There was nothing left to be discovered after 8 dates. The beginning of a relationship is suppose to be light & fun! You don't go into each other's dirty laundry and play shrinks. 

Sure I want to hear about where you grew up, how many siblings you have, fun childhood memories but I don't want to hear about your anxiety and your therapist after a month dating. 

And lets say you play at asking questions to each other for fun, you don't ask him what if your ex come back, you ask him what's his favorite candy bar!

Edited April 15, 2021 by Gaeta

[LaPi]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

That is WAY too much sharing, too fast. There was nothing left to be discovered after 8 dates. The beginning of a relationship is suppose to be light & fun! You don't go into each other's dirty laundry and play shrinks. 

Sure I want to hear about where you grew up, how many siblings you have, fun childhood memories but I don't want to hear about your anxiety and your therapist after a month dating. 

And lets say you play at asking questions to each other for fun, you don't ask him what if your ex come back, you ask him what's his favorite candy bar!

I don't think there are any rules. We both shared what we wanted to share about each others, the light stuff and the heavier stuff. 

There is a lot left to discover! Sometimes, with some people, you just feel comfortable, heard, conversations are easy and things just flowed, never felt pressured or anything. We were just super chatty!! 

We never had 2 hours dates. We had dates from 5 pm until the next morning. We never watched a movie or anything, just lots of talking and hanging out. 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I don't think there are any rules.

You're right, there are no rules, only results. 

[LaPi]

Just now, Gaeta said:

You're right, there are no rules, only results. 

no, I get it, but I really don't think this was the problem at all. He actually shared more than I did - and not because I asked. 

Some people are just like this, an open book, and I appreciate it. 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/13/2021 at 7:56 PM, LaPi said:

After a month and some of dating, and 8 amazing and very loving and romantic dates (sleeping in each other's house, holding hands while walking, stop the movie to kiss etc..) 

Ok, this is all romantic stuff which is great, but unfortunately, it's in-the-moment stuff.

Edited April 15, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, LaPi said:

no, I get it, but I really don't think this was the problem at all. He actually shared more than I did - and not because I asked. 

Some people are just like this, an open book, and I appreciate it. 

Don't assume anything. He may  have felt it was too much, he should have shared less, or not share at all. 

I'm sure it happened to you at some point you open up to someone then think you should have waited.

Also all this sharing is too heavy for a new couple, you are still strangers after 8 dates. No matter how long the dates. You still need to bond and bonding over the negative isn't the best. 

I never speak about my exs when I'm in a relationship. That's not interesting to anyone. Ask any man on here if it's fun to hear their date talk about their ex and divorce. 

[Alpacalia]

It's disappointing when you meet someone you really like and things do not pan out. So, it's perfectly fine to take a break and focus on something else now and then.

Online dating is hard, you have to sift through messages that consist of anatomical content, married people looking for fun, and a bunch of other nonsense. Maybe that's why you latched on so hard in this case?

[LaPi]

32 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

It's disappointing when you meet someone you really like and things do not pan out. So, it's perfectly fine to take a break and focus on something else now and then.

Online dating is hard, you have to sift through messages that consist of anatomical content, married people looking for fun, and a bunch of other nonsense. Maybe that's why you latched on so hard in this case?

Yes, because I usually don’t feel a connection like this and I had a lot in common and similar experiences/values. 
I even like the fact that he has 2 kids! Something I never thought I would like. 

And I don’t think this is too soon to say after 8 dates. 
That’s the reason why I’m still debating if I should swallow my pride and reach out. 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I'm sure it happened to you at some point you open up to someone then think you should have waited.

This actually happened with my recent ex when we first started chatting (before meeting).  He felt so comfortable, he began opening up to me about all sorts of very personal things. 

Then later he felt embarrassed that he over-shared, and didn't reach out to me for four days!  I ended up sending him a funny meme and he responded within 10 minutes and we met two nights later.

After we had been dating a while, he told me he pulled back because he didn't think I would be interested in him anymore because of his past, and everything he had shared with me.

 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, LaPi said:

Yes, because I usually don’t feel a connection like this and I had a lot in common and similar experiences/values. 
I even like the fact that he has 2 kids! Something I never thought I would like. 

And I don’t think this is too soon to say after 8 dates. 
That’s the reason why I’m still debating if I should swallow my pride and reach out. 

 

it’s not too soon to ask what do you want to do long term in a relationship ...if it’s casual, fling, or you want a LTIR relationship thst leads to marriage orliving together.

 

it-can be too soon to personalize it about you and him being married.

 

 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, LaPi said:

That’s the reason why I’m still debating if I should swallow my pride and reach out. 

Having too much pride never got anyone anywhere.  I think if you want to reach out, you should reach out.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst (or something like that).

Look, we have one life, may as well live it to the fullest, which includes taking risks.

No risk, no reward.

Yes of course we risk getting hurt, but I can sense from your posts that if you don't reach out, you will be forever second guessing yourself, so I say do it!

 

 

[dramafreezone]

19 hours ago, Alpaca said:

According to her initial post, he said "he's just not sure and doesn't want a relationship."

If someone says "they don't want a relationship," what do you suggest would be the prudent thing to do?

 

Ask him "well, what DO you want" which is what I've suggested like 5 times now.

That's effective, mature communication.   You don't just disengage because you don't hear what you want to hear.  Maybe he'll give an answer that gives hope for the future, maybe not but the certain way to ensure a bad outcome is to act rashly.

Edited April 16, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Ask him "well, what DO you want" which is what I've suggested like 5 times now.

That's effective, mature communication.   You don't just disengage because you don't hear what you want to hear.  Maybe he'll give an answer that gives hope for the future, maybe not but the certain way to ensure a bad outcome is to act rashly.

I agree with you dramafreeze. 

Do you know how many times a man (or woman) will say early in they're not looking for a "relationship" and then turn around a couple of months later, and want a relationship?  With that woman?

TONS of times.

It can go the other way too, a man tells a woman he wants a relationship (with her) and then a week later, dumps her.

That is why I don't even bother asking, never did, never will.  I date, enjoy the process and allow the Universe to lead the way, taking us both wherever it's meant to take us.

Detach from the outcome and enjoy the journey is my motto.

 

Edited April 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[LaPi]

12 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Ask him "well, what DO you want" which is what I've suggested like 5 times now.

That's effective, mature communication.   You don't just disengage because you don't hear what you want to hear.  Maybe he'll give an answer that gives hope for the future, maybe not but the certain way to ensure a bad outcome is to act rashly.

Well he did say to me: “don’t overthink it, I like spending time with you and I like you, maybe down the road I will want a relationship and maybe it could be you, or not, just don’t know yet what I want”. 
and the problem here is that I found him not aligned with my desires and feelings. 

I realized I was WAY more invested than him. 
he said to me he wanted “fluidity” at this time. He mentioned Tinder a couple of times... my brain just went “abort abort, get out because he’s a player, not into you”. 
 

so I ended it because I wasn’t sure I wanted to hang all my hopes on “maybe it could be you” 

but now I’m questioning it. 

[dramafreezone]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree with you dramafreeze. 

Do you know how many times a man (or woman) will say early in they're not looking for a "relationship" and then turn around a couple of months later, and want a relationship?  With that woman?

TONS of times.

It can go the other way too, a man tells a woman he wants a relationship (with her) and then a week later, dumps her.

That is why I don't even bother even asking, never did, never will.  I date, enjoy the process and allow the Universe to lead the way, taking us both wherever it's meant to take us.

Detach from the outcome and enjoy the journey is my motto.

 

This is an important point.  Say he wanted a relationship.  5 months in he changes his mind.  So what's the freaking difference?  It's just words.

We've gotten so messed up with trying to define things instead of just being in the moment, taking it day by day.

[Alpacalia]

28 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Ask him "well, what DO you want" which is what I've suggested like 5 times now.

That's effective, mature communication.   You don't just disengage because you don't hear what you want to hear.  Maybe he'll give an answer that gives hope for the future, maybe not but the certain way to ensure a bad outcome is to act rashly.

Correct me if I am wrong, but she explained that she did in her initial post.

To which he responded:

“he doesn't know what he wants, if he will ever want a partner, that he's having a good time with me, and maybe things will go well, maybe not he's just not sure and doesn't want a relationship, definitely not right now.“

When someone says they don't want a relationship with you right now, they're basically saying "I like you enough to hang out with you, but not enough to invest emotionally in you." So why would she want to keep dating him and put forth further emotional investment on her own?

It's the equivalent of placing coins in a broken piggy bank and expecting it to fill up.

[LaPi]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

This is an important point.  Say he wanted a relationship.  5 months in he changes his mind.  So what's the freaking difference?  It's just words.

We've gotten so messed up with trying to define things instead of just being in the moment, taking it day by day.

Mmm no wait one second. Not having at least conversations about goals and desires for the future can make the dating go very, very wrong. 
we all act cool at the beginning, we don’t push boundaries, we are easy going and we don’t want to be possessive or anything, that can lead to misunderstandings and before you know it, your bf or gf is sleeping with someone else because she/he thought they were just casual. 
 

I try to be myself, I try to be easygoing, but I do say what I like and what I dislike. 

I met all the kind of guys, the cheaters, the liars, the confused, the “just sex”, the “I only date with marriage in mind”. You have to state your intentions, at least!! 
 

and this guy didn’t  

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, LaPi said:

Yes, because I usually don’t feel a connection like this and I had a lot in common and similar experiences/values. 
I even like the fact that he has 2 kids! Something I never thought I would like. 

And I don’t think this is too soon to say after 8 dates. 
That’s the reason why I’m still debating if I should swallow my pride and reach out. 

I hear you.

Well, reaching out is your call.

Just don't think by doing so he is going to "magically reconsider."

Edited April 16, 2021 by Alpaca

[dramafreezone]

Just now, Alpaca said:

Correct me if I am wrong, but she explained that she did in her initial post.

To which he responded:

“he doesn't know what he wants, if he will ever want a partner, that he's having a good time with me, and maybe things will go well, maybe not he's just not sure and doesn't want a relationship, definitely not right now.“

When someone says they don't want a relationship with you right now, they're basically saying "I like you enough to hang out with you, but not enough to invest emotionally in you." So why would she want to keep dating him and put forth further emotional investment on her own?

It's the equivalent of placing coins in a broken piggy bank and expecting it to fill up.

You're skipping over the part where she asks him what he wants.  It's as if it doesn't matter. 

What I'm hearing is essentially "to hell with what he wants.  If it doesn't precisely line up with what I want, it's irrelavent to me."

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, LaPi said:

but now I’m questioning it. 

You should be imo because you acted from emotion, and you lacked faith and TRUST in your connection.

When you have faith and trust in your connection together, you don't need to ask, you trust the process and enjoy the journey.

I am not a man but I have five brothers and have also attended meet up support groups with men.

What he's thinking is you lacked faith in him, and in your connection, you needed and required immediate validation, were not willing to simply enjoy the journey with him, and essentially dumped him.

I don't know where all this is coming from for me to post this but my sense this is exactly or pretty close to what he's feeling.

It's like a woman dumping a man for not being ready to marry her after one year.  In his mind, he's like, how much could she have loved ME to just dump me like that, without trusting in our connection and allowing everything to unfold gradually and naturally.

Not sure why everyone is in such a huge rush, slow down, embrace the journey, that's half the fun!

Edited April 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[LaPi]

1 minute ago, Alpaca said:

I hear you.

Well, reaching out is your call.

Just don't think by doing so he is going to "magically reconsider."

No, not at all. Don’t believe in magic, almost don’t believe in romance anymore. 

my only hope, is that “sometimes we realize we want something when we don’t have it anymore” and that will make him see things at least a little different. 
I don’t want commitment now, I just want him to put his guards down and let me in a little and see what happens. 

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

You're skipping over the part where she asks him what he wants.  It's as if it doesn't matter. 

What I'm hearing is essentially "to hell with what he wants.  If it doesn't precisely line up with what I want, it's irrelavent to me."

And what he wants, is not a relationship, right now.

 

[dramafreezone]

6 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Mmm no wait one second. Not having at least conversations about goals and desires for the future can make the dating go very, very wrong. 
we all act cool at the beginning, we don’t push boundaries, we are easy going and we don’t want to be possessive or anything, that can lead to misunderstandings and before you know it, your bf or gf is sleeping with someone else because she/he thought they were just casual. 
 

I try to be myself, I try to be easygoing, but I do say what I like and what I dislike. 

I met all the kind of guys, the cheaters, the liars, the confused, the “just sex”, the “I only date with marriage in mind”. You have to state your intentions, at least!! 
 

and this guy didn’t  

You had the opportunity to have the conversation and you broke up with him.  You had a confrontation, not a conversation.