Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[SumGuy]

14 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Yes, I agree with this. IF there is any interested and all that we had was not just fake... he will want to communicate. That's what I would do. 

If he doesn't want to communicate, meaning all of what we had was fake and weak all along, so then I am fine with it as life is too short to have just meaningless interactions with people we like. 

Agreed.    That is my philosophy.  When people tell me it make me vulnerable, well yes in the sense I am being open, but that is a unavoidable risk in seeking anything real.  It does not mean because I prefer to communicate and understand and give people a chance I will just let people walk all over me or cross boundaries or go in with my eyes shut.

[LaPi]

2 minutes ago, SaraSays said:

They are built step-by-step over time and with consistency, once the 2 are beyond the period of limerence. They can still fail. Trust takes years to establish. Learning to accept and compromise takes years, too. There are no guarantees.

New flames are delicate, and most come to nothing. People choose to let go of people they swore to commit to forever day-in, day-out. Connections require nurturing every day. They can still come to nothing.

Yes, of course. I agree. 

But that limerence you are talking about, I don't think he had it, otherwise he would still be in it. 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Relationships should come way easier than this, if both want it. 

But so far all indicates he doesn't want it. After your conversation you stayed over night, you got up together and he didn't try to make it better, he didn't try to explain himself further and he didn't try to seek clarity from you. 

[SaraSays]

1 minute ago, LaPi said:

Yes, of course. I agree. 

But that limerence you are talking about, I don't think he had it, otherwise he would still be in it. 

Not really. Limerence can die at any point to roughly the 3 month mark, because the 2 remain strangers, and it's no indication of deep foundations. It's rose-tinted glasses, nothing to place a bet on. You've told him it's over - it'd be a waste of his time to devote any more energy or time to this, mindful nothing meaningful nor deep can exist after so little time together. Connections can die very easily from 1 moment to the next.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, LaPi said:

But that limerence you are talking about, I don't think he had it, otherwise he would still be in it. 

You have to stop thinking for him. 

You have to avoid sentences like *if he loved me he would XYZ*. He is not you. He doesn't process information like you. He is his own person with his own brain, managing his feelings his way. Not your way.

[Gaeta]

@LaPi: I met a man once he was SO infatuated with me, he wanted to see me each day, he called me all the time, he told every body about me, he saw my reflection in his soup he was so infatuated! Then a couple of weeks later he told me he didn't know why but he got up and it was all gone. POOF! It's THAT fragile at the beginning because it's all about attraction and not standing on anything of subtance yet.

[introverted1]

9 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I didn't mean it was strong or we had trust built and all of that. All I am saying, is that if you like something you had, you don't want to lose it, whatever it was.

You are again creating a script you've written as though it is a universal truth.

There are several reasons why you might let go of something you liked:  the other person pushed too much; the other person revealed personality characteristics you found off-putting; you were enjoying the present times but could see red flags in the future; you found something you liked even more. There are others, but I am sure you get the idea. At one month in, the best you can hope is that you are both enjoying each other and are open to seeing where things will go.  Emotionally healthy people are not so invested after one month that, upon being dumped, they will continue to chase the person who dumped them.  Likewise, emotionally healthy people won't be cornered into making declarations they are not ready to make.

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How do relationships works long term if it's SO easy to lose what you have? Then why some people overcome incredibly difficult situations? Long distance and such? Because they both want it.

Most relationships DON'T work.  Look at couples who are in successful, happy relationships and then ask:  was this your first relationship?  Odds are overwhelmingly that the answer will be no.  We have to go through many unsuccessful relationships before we find the right one.  And then, we have to not only find the right person but everything else has to be right, too, for BOTH people:  we are not already in a relationship, we are emotionally available, we are ready to settle down, we do not have health or financial problems distracting us, we are on the same page regarding children/finances/religion/family, we are sexually compatible, and on and on. 

We hear/remember the stories of people who have conquered the odds because these are the outliers, not the norm.

You seem to have watched one too many rom-coms, where the theme is that not only do couples fall in love at first sight, but the men pursue the women regardless how disinterested she initially appears to be, ultimately winning her over.  This works in the movies, perhaps, but it's not real life.

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Relationships should come way easier than this, if both want it. 

Agree, although I suspect what I see as "easier" is not what you see.  I think that any new dating situation in which one partner (or both) has to continually reassure the other of his or her intentions is bound to fail.  From what you posted, you were exclusive, you were seeing each other regularly, he had expressed his happiness at dating you, the sex was good. And yet, in spite of this, you had to ask whether he'd reconcile with his ex if given the chance; pressed him about his feelings about a lifetime partnership; had way too many references to permanence, etc.  When a man does this to me, I feel it is anything but easy and I tend to withdraw. 

[LaPi]

So, to sum it up, telling him I wanted a partner in my future and opening up to him about my desires and goals was a mistake, I came on too strong, and I should never do that again even if it feels right and even if I think we are aligned. 
Because ultimately, you never really know, and it’s better to just go with the flow, always. 
even if you end up in a 6 months long “relationship” that goes literally no where?

I would be ok with that at 27. But I’m 37. 

[SumGuy]

9 minutes ago, LaPi said:

So, to sum it up, telling him I wanted a partner in my future and opening up to him about my desires and goals was a mistake, I came on too strong, and I should never do that again even if it feels right and even if I think we are aligned. 

In my view never, but it is a matter of timing and how.   When you did it not necessarily bad.  Not so sure it even didn't work here, you broke up with him.

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Because ultimately, you never really know, and it’s better to just go with the flow, always. 
even if you end up in a 6 months long “relationship” that goes literally no where?

True, though all depends on what you mean by relationship and going no where.   Different people have different paces, you can't hurry love.  If you are not learning more about each other and not steadily, even if slowly and with hiccups, integrating each other more into your lives, as much as practicality permits, that may be going no where.  Yet in my view 2 months in is very early stages, for two people with kids.   The 6 month mark to me is when you make the decision to introduce your kids, some say even longer if the kids are young.   

There really is no substitute for time.

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I would be ok with that at 27. But I’m 37. 

I think at 37 with kids you don't want to rush this, but you certainly don't want to date someone who wants a non-exclusive relationship and hope they change their mind.   

[Backinthesaddleagain]

22 minutes ago, LaPi said:

So, to sum it up, telling him I wanted a partner in my future and opening up to him about my desires and goals was a mistake, I came on too strong, and I should never do that again even if it feels right and even if I think we are aligned. 
Because ultimately, you never really know, and it’s better to just go with the flow, always. 
even if you end up in a 6 months long “relationship” that goes literally no where?

I would be ok with that at 27. But I’m 37. 

Another post that reeks with sarcasm and bitterness. You need to forget about this guy, seriously! Who cares if you were head over heels in love with him? He isn't right for you and doesn't feel the same so move on. When I met my current girlfriend, we both were extremely transparent with each other shortly after we started dating and now are madly in love 7 months later. We broke all the rules and everything could have fallen apart in an instant. Going forward why don't you just ignore the rules, go with the flow, and when you find the right one none of that will matter?

Keep your chin up! Your dream man isn't going to fall from the sky! Get out there girl!!! 😜 

[introverted1]

20 minutes ago, LaPi said:

So, to sum it up, telling him I wanted a partner in my future and opening up to him about my desires and goals was a mistake, I came on too strong, and I should never do that again even if it feels right and even if I think we are aligned. 
Because ultimately, you never really know, and it’s better to just go with the flow, always. 
even if you end up in a 6 months long “relationship” that goes literally no where?

I would be ok with that at 27. But I’m 37. 

No.

This is black/white thinking again.

There is nothing wrong with asking questions when you don't know the answer.  But it's quite another to keep pressuring someone when his words and actions indicate positive growth:  you were exclusive, you were seeing each other regularly, he was open about expressing his happiness at being with you, he talked about life being easier with a partner. Rather than let things continue to unfold organically, you pushed:  You told him "he has a partner now."  You asked about his intentions regarding his ex.  You asserted your desire for a lifetime partner.  You can cloak this however you want, but for those people (myself among them) who prefer a slower, steadier pace, this is way over the top for a month in.

You cannot impose your own timetable on someone else's feelings.  Rather, you can, but then don't be surprised when it blows up, as this did.  He is his own person and his timing may not be your timing.  If I understand correctly, neither of you is divorced yet.  Now, you may see it as just a piece of paper or unimportant formality, but that doesn't mean he sees it that way, too!  It could be that he is struggling to understand how/why his marriage failed.  No one gets married and has children with the hope or expectation that it will all fall apart.  You seem to completely ignore that all he may be capable of FOR NOW is enjoying his time with you and being open to where it goes.  And, in fact, this is exactly what you said he said in your OP.  Maybe he needs to get his divorce finalised, spend some time thinking about what went wrong/right in his marriage and what he needs to do/look for differently in the future.  Maybe he's not ready to declare undying fealty to you! Of course, if this is what you need after 8 dates, then your actions were reasonable.  But you have to realise that when you force people into making definitive statements about their intentions (beyond what they have already said and done) they may assume you want even more than they've provided already and, if they don't have more to give at that moment, may just back off.  Another approach would be to have ridden it out for a little longer -- a little longer, like 3 months, not 3 years! -- and see what would have unfolded organically.

At this point, the cat is out of the bag.  I am guessing he sees you as needy and clingy and I cannot imagine how you can right this ship.  For the future, I would encourage you to rely more on what is actually happening and less on demanding that someone express themselves exactly as you believe is right at the exact moment you think is appropriate.  A relationship is two people, not just one.

[Gaeta]

What you do is identify if the man is relationship oriented from the start. You don't assume and don't wait a month to ask if he beleives in relationships. You ask it before you meet him.

Establish exclusivity when you start being intimate. With clear words. 

Then you date for 3 months, you have fun, keep it light, stay out of each others dirty laundry. Then at 3 months you start talking about *what are we*

Edited April 16, 2021 by Gaeta

[Happy Lemming]

13 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Even the biggest players in the world want a relationship when they meet a woman who challenges them, inspires them, and allows them the necessary time and space to move closer to her, emotionally.

And again, in some cases, perhaps even many cases, it's gonna take longer than one short month.

Over here... behind the cactus.  Yes... that's me.  I had a rolodex full of women I had dated and slept with and now I've been with my present girlfriend for 9+ years.

And yes... it took much longer than a month and 8 dates for both of us to feel like we wanted to be together in this long-term relationship.

[LaPi]

11 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

We broke all the rules and everything could have fallen apart in an instant. Going forward why don't you just ignore the rules, go with the flow, and when you find the right one none of that will matter?

This is exactly what I did. I didn't follow "rules" with him, I didn't play games, I didn't rush and at the same time I did not slow down. I just went with the flow of how I felt.

For clarity here, I didn't ask commitment, I didn't ask to define the relationship. I did not ask "are you my boyfriend now or what". 

I just said what I wanted for my future and he said "yeah, I am not sure I want that actually, sorry" - that's where the problem was. 

One minute before all of that I said, we were talking about my best friend and he asked me "Did you talk to her about me?" - and I said "yes, of course. what about you?" 

and he said "yeah, I talked about you to a couple of friends"

What the hell. I felt really safe to share my feelings with this guy and it blow up in my face without a warning. 

[Backinthesaddleagain]

8 minutes ago, LaPi said:

This is exactly what I did. I didn't follow "rules" with him, I didn't play games, I didn't rush and at the same time I did not slow down. I just went with the flow of how I felt.

For clarity here, I didn't ask commitment, I didn't ask to define the relationship. I did not ask "are you my boyfriend now or what". 

I just said what I wanted for my future and he said "yeah, I am not sure I want that actually, sorry" - that's where the problem was. 

One minute before all of that I said, we were talking about my best friend and he asked me "Did you talk to her about me?" - and I said "yes, of course. what about you?" 

and he said "yeah, I talked about you to a couple of friends"

What the hell. I felt really safe to share my feelings with this guy and it blow up in my face without a warning. 

Like I and others have said, this just isn't a match. Either he changed his mind, you said somethings he didn't like, he isn't that into you, or a combination of those. Or you are simply just not at the same pace. Get out there and find someone who is more your speed and ready to have the kind of relationship you are looking for. 

A relationship shouldn't be hard work, especially in the beginning. If it's a chore, you're doing it wrong.

[Gaeta]

21 minutes ago, LaPi said:

This is exactly what I did. I didn't follow "rules" with him, I didn't play games, I didn't rush and at the same time I did not slow down. I just went with the flow of how I felt.

You are too much on the defensive to see the big picture. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, LaPi said:

I haven’t reached out yet. 
now the message is this:

Hey, this feels a bit unreal, just days ago I was all happy and flirty.

It was difficult for me to be that vulnerable and I left without listening to you. I was hearing you, but not listening, and I regret it. 

Should we talk about it?

It's unclear. He sent this or you sent this?

[LaPi]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's unclear. He sent this or you sent this?

I wanted to send it, but not yet. 

[SumGuy]

3 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I wanted to send it, but not yet. 

What do you have to lose?  I guess is the question. 

At the moment, as I understand it the relationship has ended.  As long as you keep your boundaries, talking isn't going to make the relationship any less over.  From what you said, it doesn't sound like is going to fly off the handle and get violent, etc., so not a safety issue it seems.

I know you may find out it really was fake, that will hurt emotionally, but at least you will know you tried.

[Alpacalia]

8 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I wanted to send it, but not yet. 

LaPi, you decided not to date him after discovering that your dating interests did not match, and he wished you well. If you contact him right now, you will only give him mixed messages, further complicating an already perplexing situation.

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I wanted to send it, but not yet. 

What is your plan?

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Alpaca said:

LaPi, you decided not to date him after discovering that your dating interests did not match, and he wished you well. If you contact him right now, you will only give him mixed messages, further complicating an already perplexing situation.

Agree. It's not about "what's there to lose, what the heck?", it's about confusing yourself further that you want a commitment and he waved "bye" after that. Now if he responds then what? He's changed his mind? He's just after casual? 

[norealusername]

11 hours ago, Punterxx said:

It's unbelievable how the bad advice has continued in this thread from posters giving OP so much false hope. That she did something wrong, that she should have just enjoyed the moment, that she should have cared so much about what he wanted, that he could have changed his mind in the future, that this 'breakup' actually ended something that was going to be amazing... 

OP you did nothing wrong. After one month and 8 dates he 100% knew whether there was relationship potential with you. The answer was no. It's that simple.

I would not reach out to him as you both want different things from each other. If he wanted the same thing you want, he would have reached out to you already.

If you do decide to contact him, do it only for your own benefit/closure, if that's what you need. Not to try to get him back or get things to work again.

He made his decision, his life is better without you in it. Believe him and don't settle.

I agree completely.

I think the OP did nothing wrong. The guy straight out said he didn't want a serious relationship. He could have said 'maybe, I'm not sure yet' but he didn't. He either doesn't ever want a relationship or he just doesn't want one with you. Either way, it's good you didn't waste anymore of your time.

[Versacehottie]

16 hours ago, LaPi said:

It’s not that I don’t care what he wants, but there are some limits in this. 
Let’s say I wanted more kids in my future (I don’t, but for argument’s sake). 
we talk about it, I tell him I wanted kids and he say “well, I have a vasectomy already, I don’t want any” 

what one should say? When you realize you are not aligned in your desires? 
To “care” about what he wanted, I should have said “Oh, ok, no kids eh? Never? ... well... let’s see where things go anyway, I’ll bend my desires for you” 

 

same goes for having a partner - I know 100% I want a partner, live together and share a life.

You are quite unbending though! You are not accepting that maybe this isn't your guy. If we take your version as truth, then he outright told you he doesn't want a relationship, period. Then not your guy. Why are you refusing to accept this and go find a guy who wants a relationship. On your own thought process, you've reached the limit. He's given you all he can give you. Move onto someone who wants the same as you do. 

You are not going to be able to skip the exploration phase just because you write "seeking a relationship" in your profile. That's laughable. And you are not going to be able to steamroll over what a person does or does not want. Seems like you were trying to force his hand, it blew up in your face. Now you are going back in with a different tactic. It's all rather manipulative.  

I won't even get into that you probably misinterpreted him in your haste to force things.  Because all that matters is if you accept that your "givens" are truths, he's not your guy.

[norealusername]

I agree. Give up on him. You're setting yourself up for disappointment trying to talk it out with him. There's plenty of other single men out there.