Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[LaPi]

Don’t twist my words, I didn’t say he‘s a narcissist. I just said people sometimes make you believe things just to obtain your trust, not because those things are actually real. 
 

he knew from the very beginning I wasn’t there for the “casual” and he continued for 8 dates despite that, without a sign of warning that was not was he was looking for. quite the opposite! and yeah, in the interest of not questioning everything he said and done, I went with my instincts, and they told me he was interested in me and affectionate. Texting me every day, opening up with me, talking about his kids, sleeping with me, leaving a toothbrush at my place. I don’t know guys, do you do that with just “casual” ? 
 

So yeah, reality is, I might have had rose tainted glasses, but he was definitely dishonest with me. 

[Versacehottie]

23 hours ago, LaPi said:

Ok @Happy Lemming let’s slow down here. 
some of you are coming across very judgmental and I won’t engage. 
I’ll try to be clear: 

we are two people who like to share a lot about ourselves. Both of us . 

nobody pressured anything on anyone. 

we both have similar experiences and HE started talking about his ex and WHY and HOW the relationship ended on the very second date. I did not ask. 
HE started talking about finances on the VERY FIRST date. I did not ask. 

heavy talks? Maybe for you guys. But two people who share similar experiences, kids same age, pandemic struggles and such ... we were very chatty, both of us and we loved it. 

HE mentioned a couple of time his therapist and I responded to that “I’m glad that you are taking care of yourself, it’s a very good thing to do. Therapist are great help to unload some of our emotional burdens” 

If you guys think for 1 second that I don’t care about him, that I was judgemental or that I was pressuring him on something, you are very wrong. 
Just two people, talking friendly and openly about life and experiences. That’s all. 

I didn't miss the bolded. This makes it seem like he has financial problems or "struggles" as well.  Something else you failed to really mention in all these pages.

Do you think just hearing what a person has to say allows you to steamroll what they might want and need?  You aren't really LISTENING then.  You are hearing and then powering through with your own agenda every time in spite of what this person you claim to care for and want as a partner is in a position to do.

[Versacehottie]

18 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Seems like some people are just now catching up to what I saw very early on.  I don't think you care what he wants.  I don't say that to be mean, but so that you can understand why things happened the way that they did.

 

agree and this is what I've seen since the beginning (bolded).

[LaPi]

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am sorry for your pain. 

You knew there were a chance he'd not reply and that none reply was suppose to help you move on. 

You are broken up, he is 100% entitled to not reply. You may want to make it about you and him being rude to you but it's not, he does that out of self preservation. He knows you are not compatible and it's useless for him to debate about it further. He's working toward in own closure, which is what you should do as well. 

This is not time wasted. It's actually a huge learning period for you and you should try to self analyze your role in this. 

He’s entitled to not reply, 100%. 
not everyone choose to be kind and mature, some people are just unkind and immature and again, he’s prerogative. 
 

I have my closure, we are done and looking back, this was not even my choice, but his. 
He doesn’t want me. 
and now, that’s fine by me. 

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, LaPi said:

he knew from the very beginning I wasn’t there for the “casual” and he continued for 8 dates despite that, without a sign of warning that was not was he was looking for. quite the opposite! and yeah, in the interest of not questioning everything he said and done, I went with my instincts, and they told me he was interested in me and affectionate. Texting me every day, opening up with me, talking about his kids, sleeping with me, leaving a toothbrush at my place. I don’t know guys, do you do that with just “casual” ? 

You do not give your trust and invest your hopes and a feelings in a man you spent 8 dates with. Under 3-4 months a person can up and leave with no warnings. You have to keep this in mind. All this you are listing is not an indication he's sincere. Time is the only meter that will tell you if a man is genuine and invested. 

When I was dating I never beleived what a man told me until we officially made it exclusive. I am not dating anyone else right now is not the same as I only want to date you. Of course I've learn that by experience, by falling and learning. 

[Versacehottie]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You do not give your trust and invest your hopes and a feelings in a man you spent 8 dates with. Under 3-4 months a person can up and leave with no warnings. You have to keep this in mind. All this you are listing is not an indication he's sincere. Time is the only meter that will tell you if a man is genuine and invested. 

When I was dating I never beleived what a man told me until we officially made it exclusive. I am not dating anyone else right now is not the same as I only want to date you. Of course I've learn that by experience, by falling and learning. 

I agree that people can/do leave without warning especially during the beginning stages when you haven't decided to be bf/gf.

I think it's even better to not see the guy as an enemy or someone who is insincere but to see this whole beginning period as exploratory.  

I think one of the biggest missteps the OP needs to reflect on is that putting that she wants a relationship into a profile is not some guarantee of anything.  And when exactly is the any "potential" guy supposed to stop seeing her if he is not feeling it or if she does something where it makes him feel pressured and not want to continue? I'm positive by what she is saying she would have been angry and calling the guy names after date 1 or 2, for her same reasons as after date 8.  It's all unrealistic from the OP's side.  Yet I'm sure we would not be having this discussion if she changed her mind or gathered more info and wanted to stop dating him or was feeling pressured by him.

[elaine567]

IME people in therapy can be very open and will tell almost complete strangers very personal stuff other people would keep to themselves until they got really close.
Here you thought his openness indicated him being serious about you, or that you were kind of special.
Wrong!

When people reject you, it is best to take them at their word, and not try to get them to try to change their mind.
NO man was going to tell you he did not want a relationship now or maybe never, if he had any smidgeon of an idea you had a future together.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, LaPi said:

He’s entitled to not reply, 100%. I have my closure

Do you think he may have deleted/blocked you? Some people do this when someone dumps them.

[cleverusername]

To be fair to the man, If a woman dumped me in the span of a few minutes over one answer I gave, then tried to backtrack I would be hesitant to respond too

[Stupidkupid]

I'm a woman and if you had decided to end our relationship I wouldn't reply to you, either. 8 dates in he owes you nothing.

You're not entitled to it in the same way he wouldn't be.

[Versacehottie]

54 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

To be fair to the man, If a woman dumped me in the span of a few minutes over one answer I gave, then tried to backtrack I would be hesitant to respond too

Guessing that the MAIN hesitation this guy would have about a relationship with someone is that he's just been through a lot of drama and still going through it.  OP just brought yet more drama into his life so I can imagine that would get a block or lack of a response too for that very reason.

[poppyfields]

Come on guys, I say we give OP a break, some of these posts are just cruel.

She did nothing "wrong" nor did she cause unnecessary "drama" by communicating her general desire for a LTR, even at only 1 month in.

They had a nice thing going, they were exclusive, had intimate conversations about many things that HE initiated.

She trusted him, trusted that he was on the same page.

He wasn't. That was unfortunate. She ended it.

LaPi did what many of us do or have done - second guessed our decision.  He has not responded and that hurts!  

Why all the shaming?  I don't get it, she did what many of us have done, so seriously on behalf of LaPi, stop blaming her and shaming, and show some compassion, she's hurting.  

 

Edited April 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[trident_2020]

For some people 2 months is too soon for others it’s too long. On this thread someone said 2 years before considering commitment. I’ve asked fir exclusively on a second date. 

it’s just a matter of a person’s situation and their goals. 
 

That much being said if this guy was a potential keeper than the phrase “patience is a virtue” comes to mind. He might have come around in a few more months and it could have been a wonderful thing or a year from now you could be kicking yourself for waiting so long to move on. 

[LaPi]

58 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Come on guys, I say we give OP a break, some of these posts are just cruel.

She did nothing "wrong" nor did she cause unnecessary "drama" by communicating her general desire for a LTR, even at only 1 month in.

They had a nice thing going, they were exclusive, had intimate conversations about many things that HE initiated.

She trusted him, trusted that he was on the same page.

He wasn't. That was unfortunate. She ended it.

LaPi did what many of us do or have done - second guessed our decision.  He has not responded and that hurts!  

Why all the shaming?  I don't get it, she did what many of us have done, so seriously on behalf of LaPi, stop blaming her and shaming, and show some compassion, she's hurting.  

 

Thank you, I’m not even pay attention to others, writing mean things like you don’t care about him, you caused drama. 
IF I made a mistake with him by ending things (which I didn’t), and he really was into me, things would have been different right now. 
 

If he thought “ew, she opened up her heart to me, telling me her goals and desires for the future, I’m better off running away, because that’s crazy” - so then.... good riddance! 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Come on guys, I say we give OP a break, some of these posts are just cruel.

She did nothing "wrong" nor did she cause unnecessary "drama" by communicating her general desire for a LTR, even at only 1 month in.

They had a nice thing going, they were exclusive, had intimate conversations about many things that HE initiated.

She trusted him, trusted that he was on the same page.

He wasn't. That was unfortunate. She ended it.

LaPi did what many of us do or have done - second guessed our decision.  He has not responded and that hurts!  

Why all the shaming?  I don't get it, she did what many of us have done, so seriously on behalf of LaPi, stop blaming her and shaming, and show some compassion, she's hurting.  

 

LaPi, forget to say, I'm sorry he hasn't responded, if I were to hazard a guess he has you on block so he never received. 

Take this as a great learning opportunity, try and be more thoughtful in the moment, less reactionary.  I'm learning this myself.

Many poor decisions have been made when you react in the moment versus taking some time, calming your emotions.

Because often times, there is no going backwards, like here.  

Time heals.  There is someone more right for you out there, I promise you. 

 

Edited April 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[LaPi]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

LaPi, forget to say, I'm sorry he hasn't responded, if I were to hazard a guess he has you on block so he never received. 

Take this as a great learning opportunity, try and be more thoughtful in the moment, less reactionary.  I'm learning this myself.

Many poor decisions have been made when you react in the moment versus taking some time, calming your emotions.

Because often times, there is no going backwards, like here.  

Time heals.  There is someone more right for you out there, I promise you. 

 

He did receive it, as the message was “delivered”. it doesn’t matter, I don’t need to be right or wrong in this case. 
if two people are into each other, there is very little one person can do to “push away” the other. 
He wasn’t into me, that’s all I wanted to know. 
 

All the “I like you, I’m really happy when I am with you, I have you in my life, let’s hold hands” 

translates into: “yeah, we are having some fun and you are sexy, and I’m using you to unload some emotional distress, but you are basically nothing to me” 

again, good riddance. 

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, LaPi said:

if two people are into each other, there is very little one person can do to “push away” the other. 

That's incorrect.   That's Disney, not real life.

But your emotions are too raw right now for you to recognize that.

All the best moving forward.  xo

Edited April 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[LaPi]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

That's incorrect.   That's Disney, not real life.

But your emotions are too raw right now for you to recognize that.

All the best moving forward.  xo

No it’s not Disney. I’m not talking about fairy tales and romantic gestures, I’m talking about how the human brain works, literally. 
If you really wants pizza, really craving it, are you going to give it up just because they say “it’s 30 mins wait”? 

I forgave people in the past because I was into them. I gave second, even third chances, if I thought it was worth it. And after far worse behaviour and misunderstandings. 

this guy, not even care to respond. Let alone chances. 
 

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, LaPi said:

No it’s not Disney. I’m not talking about fairy tales and romantic gestures, I’m talking about how the human brain works, literally. 
If you really wants pizza, really craving it, are you going to give it up just because they say “it’s 30 mins wait”? 

I forgave people in the past because I was into them. I gave second, even third chances, if I thought it was worth it. And after far worse behaviour and misunderstandings. 
 

Please remember, not everyone is like you, if you've learned anything from this thread it's that!

Second and third chances just because you're "into" him?  Girl that's just dumb, sorry. People don't change, they screw up and hurt you once, they will do it again, almost guaranteed.  Unless it's been like years in between, and they've introspected, learned and grown. 

Here, you overreacted and dumped him.  You never gave him the opportunity to provide his input, his truth, whatever it may have been.

You didn't receive immediate validation from him, you dump. Bye.  A mere one month in. 

So even though he may have been "into" you, what do you think he's thinking? 

That you're a woman who overreacts, perhaps too sensitive for him, needs immediate validation among other things, or simply needing what he cannot provide right now, why would he want to move forward with you if that's not what he wants in a woman?  Despite having been "into" you. 

I'd say he was being quite pragmatic and smart not allowing his emotions to drive his ship.

Again, remember he is not you.  He has his own style, his own "rules" he plays by.

Different from yours. 

There is no need to be angry, saying "good riddance" or whatever else just because his rules differ from yours.  

You were the one who chose to dump him, you seem to be forgetting that. 

 

Edited April 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

6 hours ago, LaPi said:

He has being unkind. 
it’s very unkind not to even respond to someone who “meant something to you” and she is asking to talk. At least say no. True, there is no obligation to be kind to one another, but that doesn’t make it any less awful. 
All this time, he made me think something that was not there. 
people do that, actually most people I met, unfortunately, they lie their way into someone’s life. That’s also what narcissistic do and they do exist. 
I ended the relationship autonomously, true. And apparently he was VERY OK with it. Ahaha, wow. 

You unilaterally ended the relationship.  He didn't have a choice in the matter.  Did you ever consider that you hurt him?   It's all consistent with the idea that you didn't really care about him.

You lack accountability and until you begin to understand that you're responsible for your actions you will continue to have relationship issues.

Edited April 18, 2021 by dramafreezone

[hippychick3]

1 hour ago, LaPi said:

He did receive it, as the message was “delivered”. 
if two people are into each other, there is very little one person can do to “push away” the other. 
He wasn’t into me, that’s all I wanted to know. 
 

No. This is incorrect. After only a month, no one is (or should be) so attached that they would ignore red flags or tolerate any and all behaviors (no matter how minor you think they are). You could still be into someone as much as possible this early on, but you’re still observing and analyzing the other person. The attachment piece that only comes with TIME is not there yet after only 1 month. And it doesn’t matter if it was 8 dates or 14 dates. A month is a month. 

[Stupidkupid]

OP has somehow managed to even frustrate Poppy who has been so kind in the midst of this.

I just feel that OP has very unrealiatic expectations of people. Perhaps it is just the way it comes across on here but it comes across as super entitled. 

You end a relationship without giving the guy a say then when you try to back track a while later expect him to respond. None of us, including you, know how he felt and as someone says above: maybe you hurt him and hes just not doing that again with you?

Edited April 18, 2021 by Stupidkupid

[trident_2020]

2 hours ago, LaPi said:

Tried to quote LaPi (but phone messed it up) “if two people are into each other, there is very little one person can do to “push away” the other”

Completely wrong. I’m that guy. Lots of us are that guy. We can be into a girl, REALLY into a girl but be afraid of commitment for a multitude of reasons. Mine is a bad divorce. I’ll never marry again and I get uncomfortable when my relationship partner asks me about the future even though I’m good as far as things are. I invariably answer I take life one day at a time.

If I’m pressured I tend to pull back, even run away completely. 

He could very well have been into you, even very into you but you moved too fast for him. Doesn’t mean you’re unreasonable, a months could be considered sufficient time for the exclusivity talk. The two of you weren’t on the same page and you were impatient. 

Edited April 18, 2021 by trident_2020

[Alpacalia]

LaPi, every breath you take has the potential to be consumed by another person, rendering you unable to listen to those who watch you struggle. You may spend months trying to persuade others to see things your way, and in the process forget how to love yourself. Next time, take it slowly, manage your expectations and invest emotionally in someone who is emotionally accessible.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, LaPi said:

this guy, not even care to respond. Let alone chances. 
 

You do not know how he feels. Only him knows. 

If there is one thing you need to learn from this ,please let it be it.