Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[LaPi]

4 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

You did nothing wrong. If he was really feeling it, he would have responded completely in kind. He's not, he didn't, and going your separate ways is the right call. Please ignore any ridiculous suggestions about how you need to wait years or treat men like delicate snowflakes who need to be lured into the idea of commitment; it's simply not true. When someone's all in, they're all in, period.

100% 

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

can you rephrase this? 

You're saying the guy  interpreted it as her hinting at marriage. Why didn't he just reject marriage then? instead of rejecting the entire idea of being in a relationship? 

[cleverusername]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You're saying the guy  interpreted it as her hinting at marriage. Why didn't he just reject marriage then? instead of rejecting the entire idea of being in a relationship? 

He already told her he wasn't seeing anyone else. This wasn't a DTR conversation, it was an "I want more conversation".  What's more than dating each other exclusively? He wasn't having sex with anyone else. He wasn't on the dating app anymore. He wasn't dating anyone else. He wasn't rejecting the idea of a relationship at all because they we're already in one. He was rejecting the idea of marriage after 2 months and a divorce, with a "partner" who is still married. 

[Happy Lemming]

@LaPi

Words have meanings... when you use words like single vs. exclusive relationship you change the meaning of a sentence/thought.

Did this guy actually state he wanted to date multiple women?? Or are you just guessing at that because he was interpreting the word single as the opposite of married??

[Stupidkupid]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

 

Indeed.   And I'm calling bollocks on this stuff about men vs women.   Some men are perfectly clear about what they want in terms of relationships.

When I met my now husband, he mentioned on the second date that he wanted kids before X age.  So I knew that I had to figure out what I wanted if I was going to continue with him.  It's only fair. 

Just wanted to say how much I agree with this and for a while I (female) was the one bolting for the door at the mere hint of committment. Too much hurt colours a persons perspective. Male or female.

My partner and I are completely committed to each other but after horrible divorces we are both clear "no marriage". He's the one I want to spend my life with but I don't feel I need a ceremony and rings on our fingers for that

[LaPi]

3 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

He already told her he wasn't seeing anyone else. This wasn't a DTR conversation, it was an "I want more conversation".  What's more than dating each other exclusively? He wasn't having sex with anyone else. He wasn't on the dating app anymore. He wasn't dating anyone else. He wasn't rejecting the idea of a relationship at all because they we're already in one. He was rejecting the idea of marriage after 2 months and a divorce, with a "partner" who is still married. 

This is not accurate. 
he’s not using the app I met him on, but his profile is still there and he also mentioned Tinder couple of times, so most likely he has a tinder account and he’s using it. 
I’m not using any dating apps, because I like to focus on one person at the time. My preference. 

he’s not seeing anyone else, true, but is this because he’s into me, or because we are in a crisis in Toronto, where Covid cases are out of control, and he cannot simply just date around???? 

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does he know you're still married? Most people don't want to hold someone's hand through the throes of divorce or be the rebound. 

And/or maybe he is being rational, practical and cautious because you are still married.  In his mind it may be way too soon to discuss "serious" because you are still married.

Abundance of caution.  Which if the genders were reversed, I'm kind of thinking the majority would be saying that is exactly what needs to happen (ie if HE was the one still married).

[LaPi]

4 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

Just wanted to say how much I agree with this and for a while I (female) was the one bolting for the door at the mere hint of committment. Too much hurt colours a persons perspective. Male or female.

My partner and I are completely committed to each other but after horrible divorces we are both clear "no marriage". He's the one I want to spend my life with but I don't feel I need a ceremony and rings on our fingers for that

True. 
we never talked about marriage, but we talked about kids, and we were on the same page not wanting any more kids. 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

When someone's all in, they're all in.

How can someone who's still married be 'all in'?

[elaine567]

17 minutes ago, LaPi said:

maybe he wants to date multiple people, f** around, have “fun” and never let himself be vulnerable with someone or deeply trust someone with his heart. 

If you don't want that, then stay away.from separated men.

[LaPi]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

How can someone who's still married be 'all in'?

Because his wife left two years ago. And I left my marriage 1.5 years ago. 
you know, people date and they enter in relationships even if they are not legally divorced yet... a divorce at this point, is just a piece of paper, two signatures, a technicality. 
at least to me. 

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How can someone who's still married be 'all in'?

We might have a difference in culture here. 

Most posters bringing up marriage are Americans and it's an important commitment to you. OP (and I) are Canadians. OP can correct me but we Canadians do not view marriage as the ultimate commitment. In my Province we practically don't marry at all.

ETA you can yell at the top of your lungs you don't want to be single, not one Canadian soul will think you're looking for marriage.

Edited April 14, 2021 by Gaeta

[LaPi]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

We might have a difference in culture here. 

Most posters bringing up marriage are Americans and it's an important commitment to you. OP (and I) are Canadians. OP can correct me but we Canadians do not view marriage as the ultimate commitment. In my Province we practically don't marry at all.

Yeah true. 
I’m not religious (so let’s no go there) and to me marriage is an important thing for sure, but ultimately it is a committed relationship, nothing more than that. 
to the point that, yeah, I would like to be married again, but it’s not that important to me. Sharing a life, a house, the good and the bad, that is what’s important to me. 

[Versacehottie]

13 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

He already told her he wasn't seeing anyone else. This wasn't a DTR conversation, it was an "I want more conversation".  What's more than dating each other exclusively? He wasn't having sex with anyone else. He wasn't on the dating app anymore. He wasn't dating anyone else. He wasn't rejecting the idea of a relationship at all because they we're already in one. He was rejecting the idea of marriage after 2 months and a divorce, with a "partner" who is still married. 

agree that in light of the fact that they are both still married and probably both still recovering from the breakups of their marriages, it's the wrong time to expect a clear and real answer on this subject from one or both people. 

As much as he might have given you the i don't know answer--the fact that you needed assurance or guarantee of what type of commitment could be interpreted as jumping from one relationship to the next and really rebound-y. I don't know that I would have taken your side of the discussion as one that comes from a measured and thoughtful place after only 8 dates and still married.  It just isn't, for one or both of you.  

And yes, you said OP that it was a discussion. In a "discussion" you are going to perhaps hear points of view that don't align with your own.  It may be a factor of the time frame or his outlook in general, forever or about you. He's not wrong for feeling this way; just like you are not wrong for feeling the way you do. I think you are very premature but if it's the way you feel and you feel that it would be a poor investment to continue, you should absolutely manage your life accordingly.  I don't see the point in trying to place blame though--for what? It was risky to begin with as you are both still married technically.

Actually if I was advising him, I would say something to the effect of :

"wow she starts a discussion and then doesn't like what she hears and not willing to keep hearing and see if things progress and how so, yet throws the whole thing away; uh, yeah, you were exactly right, sir, to think and say as you did, because she just proved your point.  There is not enough of a foundation YET for a serious relationship" 

[poppyfields]

29 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

In his mind it may be way too soon to discuss "serious" because you are still married.

I just learned this recently.  When two people are "feeling it" with each other, and that energy is there between them, such discussions about exclusivity, commitment, serious are NOT "scary."   It's never too soon to discuss it, even early in, let alone run from it. 

If they are, then they are not feeling it the way you are and not the right person, move on.

Example:  my late beloved dad met the love of his life while married to my mom.  You think that stopped him from pursuing her?  No, it's did not.  He divorced my mom and married the woman a year later, she became my stepmom and the absolute love of his life until his death, may he RIP.

And while it resulted in the marriage ending, and sadness for our family, I and at least two of my brothers are REALLY happy he got to experience this type of love in his lifetime, some people never do.

All this crap about "it's too soon" to discuss is bullshyt. When it's right, it's never too soon.

LaPi, you did the right thing.  There's someone more right for you out there and now you have an opportunity to find him. ❤️

 

Edited April 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[cleverusername]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I just learned this recently.  When two people are "feeling it" with each other, and that energy is there between them, such discussions about exclusivity, commitment, serious are NOT "scary."   It's never too soon to discuss it, even early in, let alone run from it. 

If they are, then they are not feeling it the way you are and not the right person, move on.

 

I think it changes a little bit when there are 3 kids, 2 ex-spouses, 1 person still married, 2 months, and 8 dates involved....

[SumGuy]

20 hours ago, LaPi said:

After a month and some of dating, and 8 amazing and very loving and romantic dates (sleeping in each other's house, holding hands while walking, stop the movie to kiss etc..) I told him I know what I wanted for me: I wanted a partner in my future, not sure yet if that partner will be him, but I definitely was seeing myself in a committed relationship at some point in the future. To my complete shock, he responded that he doesn't know what he wants, if he will ever want a partner, that he's having a good time with me, and "maybe things will go well, maybe not" he's just not sure and doesn't want a relationship, definitely not right now. I was asking for "right now"

So I told him we were not on the same page and even if I didn't want to do it, I needed to stop dating him.

I am 37, single mom. He's 37, single dad of two. 

I was just being transparent of my goals and desires and now I am just crying in my living room, second guessing myself. I am a grown woman, I am allowed to have love life goals and I a man should not be put off by my willingness to be upfront. Especially after being all lovey-dovey for 8 dates. 

Or... Have I acted too fast? 

HOw was he put off?  How did he not actually agree with you?

If I am reading this correctly you said: "I wanted a partner in my future, not sure yet if that partner will be him, but I definitely was seeing myself in a committed relationship at some point in the future."

If I was a guy into you, ouch! but get it, you are just being honest and cautious...after all only 8 dates, it is going well but you don't know me and who can tell.

So he says: "...he doesn't know what he wants, if he will ever want a partner, that he's having a good time with me, and "maybe things will go well, maybe not" he's just not sure and doesn't want a relationship, definitely not right now..."

Sounds like he is almost saying the same thing just in a different way, he is also being transparent with you too it sounds.

You say you want a relationship but not sure if it is him but at some point in the future.   I would not read that at all as you asking for a relationship for right now.

He is saying he doesn't know (so he hasn't forgone the idea) but not right now (just as you said to him).  He goes say his having a good time now and maybe things will go well, but like you he is cautious....maybe not.  Sounds like he heard your "at some point in the future" and decided to agree with you.

 

This is very different than asking for dating exclusivity.  To me that would be the first step down the road, especially after only 8 dates.

[lana-banana]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How can someone who's still married be 'all in'?

??? Huh? Who's still married?

[cleverusername]

2 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

??? Huh? Who's still married?

OP

[LaPi]

1 minute ago, lana-banana said:

??? Huh? Who's still married?

We are both separated, living on our own, sharing 50/50 custody of our children. 
we are not romantically involved with our ex partners anymore, we are just still legally married because Covid slowed down the divorce process. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

??? Huh? Who's still married?

The OP is still married. Personally, I think it's pretty rich to try to nail someone down after 4 weeks and 8 dates when still legally married. ("piece of paper" or not) Then when he pumps the breaks he's a player who led her on? 

Edited April 14, 2021 by Wiseman2

[LaPi]

4 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

HOw was he put off?  How did he not actually agree with you?

If I am reading this correctly you said: "I wanted a partner in my future, not sure yet if that partner will be him, but I definitely was seeing myself in a committed relationship at some point in the future."

If I was a guy into you, ouch! but get it, you are just being honest and cautious...after all only 8 dates, it is going well but you don't know me and who can tell.

So he says: "...he doesn't know what he wants, if he will ever want a partner, that he's having a good time with me, and "maybe things will go well, maybe not" he's just not sure and doesn't want a relationship, definitely not right now..."

Sounds like he is almost saying the same thing just in a different way, he is also being transparent with you too it sounds.

You say you want a relationship but not sure if it is him but at some point in the future.   I would not read that at all as you asking for a relationship for right now.

He is saying he doesn't know (so he hasn't forgone the idea) but not right now (just as you said to him).  He goes say his having a good time now and maybe things will go well, but like you he is cautious....maybe not.  Sounds like he heard your "at some point in the future" and decided to agree with you.

 

This is very different than asking for dating exclusivity.  To me that would be the first step down the road, especially after only 8 dates.

Nope, I said I know what I want, I want a partner in my future.
And he said “nope, I am not sure I will ever want that. Maybe, or maybe not, I enjoy your company but that’s it, sorry” 

He was seeing our dating as casual and NSA

And I was seeing our dating as a way to create something meaningful with each other. 

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

I think it changes a little bit when there are 3 kids, 2 ex-spouses, 1 person still married, 2 months, and 8 dates involved....

No it doesn't, I have 5 brothers so there were 6 of us.  My parents marriage was a disaster, they would have been better off splitting much sooner, staying together actually emotionally harmed us more than helped us.

 

[LaPi]

9 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

I think it changes a little bit when there are 3 kids, 2 ex-spouses, 1 person still married, 2 months, and 8 dates involved....

Well he knew all of that from the very beginning. 
If you don’t want all of that, just don’t date me. 
why even saying that we are dating??

[glows]

1 minute ago, LaPi said:

Nope, I said I know what I want, I want a partner in my future.
And he said “nope, I am not sure I will ever want that. Maybe, or maybe not, I enjoy your company but that’s it, sorry” 

He was seeing our dating as casual and NSA

And I was seeing our dating as a way to create something meaningful with each other. 

If this is the way it went down, head high. You do not need this man and you did the right thing.