Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[SumGuy]

2 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Correction: 1) In one month of dating we established exclusivity because of covid and we needed to tell each other that, for safety reasons. 
2) I shared I was invested in him, he said I like you and I enjoy your company, but I don’t think I want a relationship now or ever (aka I want just casual).

Correction, in your OP you said you wanted a relationship eventually but not sure with him and not now...a very important addition to being invested in him...yah you are invested in him but he is not necessarily the one, and not now (aka casual)

Not exactly what you want to hear if you are guy all into her.

Quote

 

Sorry, but not exactly the response you would expect after you say “I like you and I think you are awesome and I want you to know that I hope this work out between us”. 

An acceptable answer would be: “me too” 

and I said all those things, because I genuinely thought he was exactly on the same page as me. 

 

Do you see how this is very much you expecting him to follow your script, even when you say you thought he was exactly on the same page as you.  His response (in your OP) is very close to what you said, and a bit of knowing how different people can say the same thing in different ways...in actions and how he treats you and how is progressing the relationship it sounds like you were on the same page...which is likely why you thought you two were.   

My guess is you were on the same page especially after just 8 dates, but really not sure why it matters.  Did you want another view or just an echo chamber? 

In any event what is done is done it sounds like.

[LaPi]

@SumGuy

he told me that he was dating this woman for 3 months and at one point she said she wanted to have children in her future and he said he didn’t. So they ended it. 
 

my story is similar, but instead of children, is “a partner”. I told him exactly this actually, the morning I left.

”you ended things with this woman because you were not on the same page about children, I have to end things with you because we are not on the same page about having a partner and I don’t want to get more attached to you” 

And he said “I understand, I hope you find what you are looking for” 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, LaPi said:

he told me that he was dating this woman for 3 months and at one point she said she wanted to have children in her future and he said he didn’t. So they ended

And he said “I understand, I hope you find what you are looking for” 

Excellent. At least he was honest with both of you. It's all about dating and seeing if it's a good fit. How long have you been out of the dating world?

[LaPi]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. At least he was honest with both of you. It's all about dating and seeing if it's a good fit. How long have you been out of the dating world?

Yeah no I get it. 
but if you know that you want just casual sex and casual company, why don’t you say it sooner?  
In my OLD profile it says I want a relationship, I told him basically immediately I didn’t want any more children. 
These are heavy but important stuff!! 

[SumGuy]

20 minutes ago, LaPi said:

@SumGuy

he told me that he was dating this woman for 3 months and at one point she said she wanted to have children in her future and he said he didn’t. So they ended it. 
 

my story is similar, but instead of children, is “a partner”. I told him exactly this actually, the morning I left.

”you ended things with this woman because you were not on the same page about children, I have to end things with you because we are not on the same page about having a partner and I don’t want to get more attached to you” 

And he said “I understand, I hope you find what you are looking for” 

similar is not the same...

a definite no is similar but very much not the same as don't know...

having children is very much it's happening or not, the biological clock is ticking and not something people generally change their mind about especially when they have 2 children already...

unsure about wanting "a partner" in the future when the relationship has all the hallmarks (as much as one can have at 8 dates) is similar but enough different.

Not surprised he understood and wished you luck, what else is there to say?   So it sounds like all is settled, no need for advice.

[LaPi]

12 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

similar is not the same...

a definite no is similar but very much not the same as don't know...

having children is very much it's happening or not, the biological clock is ticking and not something people generally change their mind about especially when they have 2 children already...

unsure about wanting "a partner" in the future when the relationship has all the hallmarks (as much as one can have at 8 dates) is similar but enough different.

Not surprised he understood and wished you luck, what else is there to say?   So it sounds like all is settled, no need for advice.

So should I not reach out in your opinion? 
I’m questioning myself because I don’t what to go on with my life, knowing we might just had a misunderstanding about each other intentions and that we are just 2 idiots, missing each other, but not reaching out because of pride/fear and such 

[poppyfields]

31 minutes ago, LaPi said:

but if you know that you want just casual sex and casual company, why don’t you say it sooner?  
In my OLD profile it says I want a relationship, I told him basically immediately I didn’t want any more children. 
These are heavy but important stuff!! 

LaPi, I am sorry to say this because I know it will hurt to hear, but the reason he doesn't have that (bolded) in his profile is because he doesn't want "just" casual sex and casual company, he wants a relationship like most of us.

And when he meets the "right" woman (for him), he will pursue such with her.

After one month and 8 dates, he realized you are not that woman.  I am speculating but this is the most likely scenario, I'm sorry.

I am not seeing him as a bad guy who did anything wrong.  You had eight dates with him, he treated you well from what you've posted.  

You made some comments pertaining to your future, he sort of went along, nodding.  He liked you, he enjoyed dating you but most likely did not know what he wanted to happen, it had only been one month.

I think you did the right thing.  My advice is stop over-thinking this, you are going round and round, bringing you back to the same place - this man did not want a relationship with you.

And from what you've posted, I don't believe more time would have changed that.

EDIT:  No, absolutely do not reach out.  This is done.  Now you can go out and find a man who does want a relationship with you.

Treasure the memory.

 

 

Edited April 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

19 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I'm sorry, OP.  It sounds like your instinct was telling you something about this guy.  A guy who was really into you would not say goodbye, he would find a way to be with you again.

She broke it off.

No guy with self esteem is going to chase after being dumped.  She breaks it off she should assume it's over, not as some test to see if he'll chase.

[glows]

It's debatable who dumped who.

It sounds like you are lonely, LaPi, and looking for reasons to reach back out to him. So why don't you and see where it goes? 

Multiple responses have told you you're both aren't on the same page. I think you're uncertain because you're missing the companionship. Contacting him and remaining with this guy with question marks all over it would breed lots of resentment, one would think. 

If you have a change of heart, why not contact him and see where it goes? 

 

[basil67]

59 minutes ago, LaPi said:

So should I not reach out in your opinion? 
I’m questioning myself because I don’t what to go on with my life, knowing we might just had a misunderstanding about each other intentions and that we are just 2 idiots, missing each other, but not reaching out because of pride/fear and such 

Going back to your very first post, you quoted him as saying "he doesn't know what he wants, if he will ever want a partner".   There's no misunderstanding this.   

You know, if you'd given him more time after he'd said this and then you came back to us in 12 months when he still doesn't know what he wants, many would be telling you that you should have dumped him at the point of the conversation.   

 

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

She broke it off.

No guy with self esteem is going to chase after being dumped.  She breaks it off she should assume it's over, not as some test to see if he'll chase.

It was a forced dump.  He essentially rejected her when telling her he wasn't seeking a "partner" (i.e. a relationship -- with her), so she really didn't have much of a choice given that a relationship is what she was/is wanting.

So yeah, if he misses her, realizes he does want a relationship with her, it's on him to reach out to her.

He's not stupid, he knows that.

 

 

[LaPi]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

It's debatable who dumped who.

It sounds like you are lonely, LaPi, and looking for reasons to reach back out to him. So why don't you and see where it goes? 

Multiple responses have told you you're both aren't on the same page. I think you're uncertain because you're missing the companionship. Contacting him and remaining with this guy with question marks all over it would breed lots of resentment, one would think. 

If you have a change of heart, why not contact him and see where it goes? 

 

Yes, I am lonely. 
I’m Canadian, but my entire family is overseas, haven’t seen them in 2 years now. 
Being a single parent is challenging and schools are closed. My stress level is very high. 
it’s understandable that I also acted the way I acted (telling him I was invested) out of insecurity, because we have so little joys at this time, that I just wanted to feel good for real. 
 

so that’s also why I want to reach out at one point. Because yes, I am lonely, and yes, I was enjoying his company a lot, that’s true. 

[dramafreezone]

I still don't know what's the practical difference between what you were doing before this talk and a committed relationship.

If you proceeded for say, the next 10 years with things just as they are without any formal declaration of a relationship, what would be missing?

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

If you have a change of heart, why not contact him and see where it goes? 

 

I think that would be a mistake.  She'd be debasing herself by doing that, lowering her standards which could only result in him losing respect for her.

He rejected her when telling her he didn't want a partner/relationship (with her), she had no choice but to either lower her standards or dump him.  She chose the latter.

She may not be the right woman for him, but she walks away with self-respect and him respecting her as well for making the best decision for her even if meant losing the guy.

Edited April 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[LaPi]

5 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I still don't know what's the practical difference between what you were doing before this talk and a committed relationship.

If you proceeded for say, the next 10 years with things just as they are without any formal declaration of a relationship, what would be missing?

A lot would be missing. 
If I’m in a relationship with this man for 10 years, we are definitely living together, our children are step brothers, we are a family. 
 

knowing that he doesn’t want that, maybe ever, it’s something I cannot accept. 

[dramafreezone]

1 minute ago, LaPi said:

A lot would be missing. 
If I’m in a relationship with this man for 10 years, we are definitely living together, our children are step brothers, we are a family. 
 

knowing that he doesn’t want that, maybe ever, it’s something I cannot accept. 

So you actually want marriage?  That's a lot more than a relationship.

[LaPi]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

So you actually want marriage?  That's a lot more than a relationship.

Can’t you live together with your partner without being married to each other? 

I don’t know if I want to be married again, maybe, but not important.
What’s important to me is to be in a loving, committed and fulfilling relationship. 

[Fletch Lives]

No, you don't give him more time........he said he does not want a relationship. There it is in black-and-white.

 

Either he's a player or he's decided he's just not into you. Sorry about that.

[poppyfields]

30 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I still don't know what's the practical difference between what you were doing before this talk and a committed relationship.

If you proceeded for say, the next 10 years with things just as they are without any formal declaration of a relationship, what would be missing?

dramafreeze, you are viewing this from the male perspective, specifically those men not interested in a long term commitment.  It would be helpful if you could at least try viewing this from the female perspective, at least the OP's perspective.

OP ultimately seeks a mutually-rewarding, supportive exclusive relationship, this is not some outrageous plot to end his life, lol.

It's what most people want, I get you don't which is fine, but please it would be appreciated if you wouldn't make those of us who do out to be weirdos who are seeking something out of the ordinary.

Her ex doesn't want that, at least not with her.  She did the right thing, I am not getting why you feel you need to shame her for that.

 

 

Edited April 15, 2021 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

27 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Can’t you live together with your partner without being married to each other? 

I don’t know if I want to be married again, maybe, but not important.
What’s important to me is to be in a loving, committed and fulfilling relationship. 

I just think you have this idea that you're stuck on, this white picked fence house with children and a dog, and that's just not the cards for everyone.  I think you want this idea more than the guy.  That'd be a red flag to me.  

You've mentioned living together multiple times now.  Why is it important that you live together?   It sounds like you want it to be exactly like a marriage without the signed piece of paper and based on this conversation I don't believe that you would be ok with the arrangement until you were actually married.

Edited April 15, 2021 by dramafreezone

[LaPi]

7 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I just think you have this idea that you're stuck on, this white picked fence house with children and a dog, and that's just not the cards for everyone.  I think you want this idea more than the guy.  That'd be a red flag to me.  

You've mentioned living together multiple times now.  Why is it important that you live together?   It sounds like you want it to be exactly like a marriage without the signed piece of paper and based on this conversation I don't believe that you would be ok with the arrangement until you were actually married.

Well it seems to me that you don’t understand the concept of having life and romantic goals and you are coming across a little judg-y. 

maybe you have no goals and you just go through life like that. And that’s fine. 
but some people have desires and hopes and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. 
yeah, my desire is not to live alone forever until I die. I want my partner to live with me. Is that bad? 

[dramafreezone]

31 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

dramafreeze, you are viewing this from the male perspective, specifically those men not interested in a long term commitment.  It would be helpful if you could at least try viewing this from the female perspective, at least the OP's perspective.

OP ultimately seeks a mutually-rewarding, supportive exclusive relationship, this is not some outrageous plot to end his life, lol.

It's what most people want, I get you don't which is fine, but please it would be appreciated if you wouldn't make those of us who do out to be weirdos who are seeking something out of the ordinary.

Her ex doesn't want that, at least not with her.  She did the right thing, I am not getting why you feel you need to shame her for that.

 

 

I find it difficult to take her at her word that she doesn't want marriage.  What she says she wants, exclusivity, living together, new stepchildren (Freudian slip there).  She's verbally non-commital about marriage but her actions and her strong reaction to what he said betrayed her words.  I think she absolutely wants to get married again.  

I think it's hard enough to find people that we genuinely like, so maybe don't be too quick to dispose of them if they don't fit this exact picture of what we think we want.  A lot of people don't ever get that exact picture, so sometimes it's harmful when we tell people that they should never settle for less than they want.  Instead, maybe revise your criteria based on your current circumstances.  Dating at 37 is not dating at 27, so they're aren't endless options out there.

Edited April 15, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Dating at 37 is not dating at 27, so they're aren't endless options out there.

Add that to the fact she has a child and that makes dating even harder.

Quite a few guys out there will NOT date single moms.  Even some single dads are hesitant to date women with children, much less marry them.

Remember... "The Brady Bunch" was a TV show and not reality.

[poppyfields]

26 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I think it's hard enough to find people that we genuinely like, so maybe don't be too quick to dispose of them if they don't fit this exact picture of what we think we want.  A lot of people don't ever get that exact picture, so sometimes it's harmful when we tell people that they should never settle for less than they want.  Instead, maybe revise your criteria based on your current circumstances.  Dating at 37 is not dating at 27, so they're aren't endless options out there.

I agree with the bolded, at least as it pertains to myself.  In fact, I don't even have a "picture," the picture is whatever myself and my boyfriend (if I had one which currently I do not) want it to be, mutually.

However, I think it's wrong to shame those who do want that exact picture for themselves, whether that means living together or marriage; I mean who are we, who is anyone, to judge what's right for another human being?

I don't think anyone should settle or lower standards.  Learn to be happy and content on your own, happy single, and no one should have to settle.

So I think advising someone to settle because it's hard enough finding people we genuinely like is poor advice.

Edited April 15, 2021 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

32 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Well it seems to me that you don’t understand the concept of having life and romantic goals and you are coming across a little judg-y. 

maybe you have no goals and you just go through life like that. And that’s fine. 
but some people have desires and hopes and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. 
yeah, my desire is not to live alone forever until I die. I want my partner to live with me. Is that bad? 

Well I certainly don't think you're a bad person.

I'm just trying to give you a perspective of a man in his early 40s.  At 25 I thought completely differently, but today I don't have an idea in my head that marriage is all about love anymore.  A guy 35 and up can't afford to think just about love.  I have two brothers, a father, stepfather and a former best friend that thought it was about love when they were younger. 

So when a guy that's a bit older potentially places himself at financial risk, at some level he's thinking "what's in it for me?"   As a serious thought exercise, ask yourself what do you think he wants.   You don't want any more kids, which is the primary motivator for a guy that age getting married again.  You're both getting love, but we've already mentioned that a man his age needs more than love, so what more does he get out of it?  Why is him dating you and only you a more favorable situation to him casually dating 2 or 3 women, for instance?

Edited April 15, 2021 by dramafreezone