Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[dramafreezone]

3 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

And what he wants, is not a relationship, right now.

 

What he doesn't want =/= asking him what he does want.

Edited April 16, 2021 by dramafreezone

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I realized I was WAY more invested than him. 
 

LaPi, it had only been one month.  Just because you were invested, you cannot expect a man to be as invested in you in such a short period of time.

If this doesn't work out after you call, next time, try to relax.  Seriously.  I do yoga regularly, it really helps to squelch the anxiety and calm me, keeps me balanced.

I highly recommend it.

I hate to say it but you were much too intense for having dated such a short period of time, I'm sorry.

 

Edited April 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[LaPi]

6 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

What I'm hearing is essentially "to hell with what he wants.  If it doesn't precisely line up with what I want, it's irrelavent to me."

@dramafreezone

well, I needed to protect my heart. I was falling for this guy, I was daydreaming about us together, I was planning stuff in my mind. 
 

if you say to someone “hey, I like you, I want you to know that I am in this and I have all my best intentions “ 

and you hear back “mmm yeah, I like spending time with you, but I’m not sure about you” 

hey, that’s a knife in the back!!! 

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

This is an important point.  Say he wanted a relationship.  5 months in he changes his mind.  So what's the freaking difference?  It's just words.

We've gotten so messed up with trying to define things instead of just being in the moment, taking it day by day.

Again agree!!

[dramafreezone]

2 minutes ago, LaPi said:

@dramafreezone

well, I needed to protect my heart. I was falling for this guy, I was daydreaming about us together, I was planning stuff in my mind. 
 

if you say to someone “hey, I like you, I want you to know that I am in this and I have all my best intentions “ 

and you hear back “mmm yeah, I like spending time with you, but I’m not sure about you” 

hey, that’s a knife in the back!!! 

Well the only way to truly protect your heart is to swear off men altogether.  Love is a risk and there are never assurances.

Edited April 16, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

What he doesn't want

I fail to understand why what he wants is important? He said he doesn't know if he'll ever want a relationship. What more could he say that would please OP?

[dramafreezone]

Just now, Gaeta said:

I fail to understand why what he wants is important? He said he doesn't know if he'll ever want a relationship. What more could he say that would please OP?

Well that's my point.  I don't think she cares what he wants, and maybe on some level he knows that too.

[LaPi]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

LaPi, it had only been one month.  Just because you were invested, you cannot expect a man to be as invested in you in such a short period of time.

If this doesn't work out after you call, next time, try to relax.  Seriously.  I do yoga regularly, it really helps to squelch the anxiety and calm me, keeps me balanced.

I highly recommend it.

I hate to say it but you were much too intense for having dated such a short period of time, I'm sorry.

 

I see your point, but to my defence, I was invested also because he seemed invested in me. 
it takes two to tango. It’s not like he was ignoring me and I was all over him. Not at all. 
I opened up my heart because I felt safe to do so with him, because I was quite sure we were on the same page, all the signals were there. 
 

and then, bam! 

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, LaPi said:

my only hope, is that “sometimes we realize we want something when we don’t have it anymore” and that will make him see things at least a little different. 

No I doubt it.  See my previous post for what he is most likely feeling and thinking.

 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

Well that's my point.  I don't think she cares what he wants, and maybe on some level he knows that too.

But why should she care what he wants? That's my point. 

He said he's not sure he wants a relationship, that means he's contemplating remaining single for the rest of his life. From there why should she care what he wants?

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, LaPi said:

well, I needed to protect my heart. I was falling for this guy, I was daydreaming about us together, I was planning stuff in my mind. 

And this is your Achilles heel and will self-sabotage every RL you have because of it.

Are you even reading posts other than dramafreeze's?

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

But why should she care what he wants? That's my point. 

He said he's not sure he wants a relationship, that means he's contemplating remaining single for the rest of his life. From there why should she care what he wants?

Gaeta, are you kidding me?  When you care about someone, you care what they want too and you work together to achieve it.

It's not all about what you want, that's not how it works, you know that.

The bolded is an assumption, had LaPi had faith and trust in him and their connection and respected that after only one month, he was not certain where he wanted things to go, which is reasonable and understandable, in a couple of months' time he may have been on his hands and knees trying to convince her to have a RL with him!

Edited April 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

But why should she care what he wants? That's my point. 

He said he's not sure he wants a relationship, that means he's contemplating remaining single for the rest of his life. From there why should she care what he wants?

Because caring what the other person wants is generally a good behavior to develop when seeking a relationship, and mantaining one.  You want him to care and look after you, well it's not just a one way street.

It's not something you just turn on and off.  "Oh well I'll care about what he wants when he gives me what I want."

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, LaPi said:

and you hear back “mmm yeah, I like spending time with you, but I’m not sure about you” 

That's not how I interpreted it. 

When he told you he's not sure he wants a relationship, I understood it as he's thinking of remaining single and giving up on being in a relationship. I did not understood it as he's not sure about being in a relationship with *you* because at 8 date it's NORMAL a person isn't sure yet about being in an official relationship with you. 

[LaPi]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

And this is your Achilles heel and will self-sabotage every RL you have because of it.

Are you even reading posts other than dramafreeze's?

I’m reading every single posts. 

this is what is wrong in the world. A person Showing feelings, sentiments, affection and emotional vulnerability is considered weak, doomed in the dating world, not cool enough, just someone to stay away from. 
 

hey, people fall in love (IN LOVE) at first sight sometimes and for some reasons, they get so lucky that they actually spend and entire life together. 

[cleverusername]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

But why should she care what he wants? That's my point. 

He said he's not sure he wants a relationship, that means he's contemplating remaining single for the rest of his life. From there why should she care what he wants?

I think you and @LaPi are seeing this in black and white only, relationships are a rainbow of colors. 

It's like asking a little kid what he wants to be when he grows up, the kid says "i don't know", then you pull him out of school because its a wasted investment because he isn't sure RIGHT NOW. 

She asked him whether he wants to get married, he said "i don't know right now", then she broke up with him because it's a wasted investment. You denied yourself the future because you were so busy looking for validation in the present.

Edited April 16, 2021 by cleverusername

[Gaeta]

@poppyfields

@dramafreezone

Him and her are not in an official Relationship. She wants to date someone that seeks a relationship, he doesn't. From there they are incompatible and should part ways. 

Of course you care about what your partner wants in a relationship, these 2 are not. Why should OP compromise on what she wants in her life for a man she saw 8 times?

[Alpacalia]

17 minutes ago, LaPi said:

No, not at all. Don’t believe in magic, almost don’t believe in romance anymore. 

Perhaps you would if you find someone who is more aligned with your dating style and your dating goals align.

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, LaPi said:

I’m reading every single posts. 

this is what is wrong in the world. A person Showing feelings, sentiments, affection and emotional vulnerability is considered weak, doomed in the dating world, not cool enough, just someone to stay away from. 
 

hey, people fall in love (IN LOVE) at first sight sometimes and for some reasons, they get so lucky that they actually spend and entire life together. 

Where did anyone say showing feelings and vulnerability is weak?  No one on this thread.

Yes, be vulnerable, express feelings, which includes HIM expressing his feelings and you being open to understanding his feelings, and him yours.

There is ZERO evidence that in another month or two he would not have been emotionally ready to have a relationship with you, but you thwarted that process by allowing your emotions to steer the ship, essentially sinking it.

I dunno, I find that sad, for both of you.

Edited April 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[dramafreezone]

6 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

I think you and @LaPi are seeing this in black and white only, relationships are a rainbow of colors. 

It's like asking a little kid what he wants to be when he grows up, the kid says "i don't know", then you pull him out of school because its a wasted investment because he isn't sure RIGHT NOW. 

She asked him whether he wants to get married, he said "i don't know right now", then she broke up with him because it's a wasted investment. You denied yourself the future because you were so busy looking for validation in the present.

I know what we're gettiing ready to hear "he's 37 years old, he shold know what he wants" as if the guy wasn't just gutted in his recent divorce.  I think any guy is allowed to be averse to relationships given what's he's recently been through.  Doesn't mean it's permanent or that you should assume that the way people feel right after a significant trauma is how they will feel thee rest of their lives.  People heal, change, and grow.

Edited April 16, 2021 by dramafreezone

[LaPi]

It’s not that I don’t care what he wants, but there are some limits in this. 
Let’s say I wanted more kids in my future (I don’t, but for argument’s sake). 
we talk about it, I tell him I wanted kids and he say “well, I have a vasectomy already, I don’t want any” 

what one should say? When you realize you are not aligned in your desires? 
To “care” about what he wanted, I should have said “Oh, ok, no kids eh? Never? ... well... let’s see where things go anyway, I’ll bend my desires for you” 

 

same goes for having a partner - I know 100% I want a partner, live together and share a life.

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

She asked him whether he wants to get married, he said "i don't know right now", then she broke up with him because it's a wasted investment. You denied yourself the future because you were so busy looking for validation in the present.

It's not that at all. This not about wanting to get married again. This about a woman wanting to be in a relationship and the man dreaming of a life with no relationship. There is nothing to negociate. What could he possibly negociate on? She hangs to him for 6 months to see if his desire for a relationship comes back?

[cleverusername]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@poppyfields

@dramafreezone

Him and her are not in an official Relationship. She wants to date someone that seeks a relationship, he doesn't. From there they are incompatible and should part ways. 

Of course you care about what your partner wants in a relationship, these 2 are not. Why should OP compromise on what she wants in her life for a man she saw 8 times?

They were both exclusive, they were sleeping together, they were happy. They were in a relationship just without the label. When she said, "I want a partner" I would wager money he thought she was referring to marriage. But instead of clarifying she ended it. This whole thing could have been avoided if she asked for any sort of clarification, or had any sort of conversation. This wasn't that, this was her making a statement expecting him to agree on the spot. 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

There is ZERO evidence that in another month or two he would not have been emotionally ready to have a relationship with you,

That's good when the man is seeking a relationship and he's not sure about the woman he dates. The man is debating if he wants a relationship at all, not the same thing.

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, cleverusername said:

They were both exclusive

They were not, she assumed they were, then he randomly spoke about being on Tinder. That's not being exclusive.