Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[Dis]

4 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Because I genuinely like him. And the connection we have I think it's pretty rare to find. 

Yes but the basic components of of a successful relationship are not there because you want different things

 

Honestly you'd be better off with  guy you clicked a little less with but wanted a committed long term relationship like you do

 

This will not pan out well for you if you continue with him 

Edited April 14, 2021 by Dis

[LaPi]

3 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

As was he. Plenty of people are looking for a LTR (eventually, with the right person) when dating and there are also those who are not for various reasons or aren't sure. He's one of the latter.

You were right to be straightforward about your ultimate intentions with him IMO.

There is a concept in sales: getting to "No". That is, finding out quickly that you WON'T make a sale to a person, so you don't waste precious time and energy on someone when it won't pan out.  This is, in effect, what you you did here and although it may feel bad right now, from a longer term perspective it was absolutely correct. Your mistake, perhaps, was to start getting emotionally attached too soon and to go on 8 dates with him instead of just 1 or 2.

"What are you looking for?" is a perfectly valid question on a date, even a first or 2nd one. You filter out incompatible people/those who aren't looking for the same thing.

8 dates because I was basically convinced we were going in the same direction. To the point that I brought up my "intentions" with him just in case he was feeling insecure with me and wanted clarity. The way he acted with me from the very beginning... sentences like "I am so happy with you" - "I am so glad I have you in my life" - "Of course we are dating" - he was opening up and sharing more about himself, his kids, his family .... HOW THE HECK one would think he was not as invested as me?

[mark clemson]

^^ fair enough and I can see how you got the impression. But this is really not a substitute for direct communication/questions, as you have found out.

[dramafreezone]

6 minutes ago, LaPi said:

8 dates because I was basically convinced we were going in the same direction. To the point that I brought up my "intentions" with him just in case he was feeling insecure with me and wanted clarity. The way he acted with me from the very beginning... sentences like "I am so happy with you" - "I am so glad I have you in my life" - "Of course we are dating" - he was opening up and sharing more about himself, his kids, his family .... HOW THE HECK one would think he was not as invested as me?

Because people are different.  He could've meant all of that, doesn't mean that he wants to think about a committed relationship after 8 dates.

[LaPi]

Yeah it was stupid of me not to directly ask that from the very beginning. Never again. 

He said it actually, date 2, while casually chatting - "I want a partner, I am not in a rush to get there"

Me neither, then even if I didn't ask explicitly, I thought I knew what he wanted. 

That's why I feel slightly played. Either that, or he just got "scared". He had a bad separation with his ex wife, 2 young kids, the wife left 2 years ago after many lies and an emotional affair with a man she currently live with. 

While I am completely over my ex for good... maybe he's just still hurting and had trust issues? 

[Alpacalia]

11 minutes ago, LaPi said:

.. HOW THE HECK one would think he was not as invested as me?

I think because sometimes men can be just present in the moment and it not necessarily have any deeper meaning or longevity.

[Gaeta]

How did you meet?

[LaPi]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

Because people are different.  He could've meant all of that, doesn't mean that he wants to think about a committed relationship after 8 dates.

I didn't ask him a committed relationship after 8 dates. I only said "I am putting my best intentions forward with you, I am not holding back" - that's all I wanted. No labels, nothing else. 

[LaPi]

Just now, Gaeta said:

How did you meet?

on a dating app if that matter. And both of us weren't using the app while dating each other. I had all the sign he was not a player... and yet. 

[Dis]

1 minute ago, LaPi said:

I didn't ask him a committed relationship after 8 dates. I only said "I am putting my best intentions forward with you, I am not holding back" - that's all I wanted. No labels, nothing else. 

Kind of set the bar low there 

[dramafreezone]

4 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Yeah it was stupid of me not to directly ask that from the very beginning. Never again. 

He said it actually, date 2, while casually chatting - "I want a partner, I am not in a rush to get there"

Me neither, then even if I didn't ask explicitly, I thought I knew what he wanted. 

That's why I feel slightly played. Either that, or he just got "scared". He had a bad separation with his ex wife, 2 young kids, the wife left 2 years ago after many lies and an emotional affair with a man she currently live with. 

While I am completely over my ex for good... maybe he's just still hurting and had trust issues? 

Or maybe he doesn't want to get married ever again (which would be understandable given this past) and he's getting the feelng in his gut that you're going to push for that eventually.

[spiderowl]

OP, I am sorry to hear what happened.  This is such a difficult thing.

People get attached and 'bond' at different stages.  Just because you are feeling in that state does not mean he is necessarily.  He may well be enjoying being with you, happy, having fun, and not thinking ahead.  He was presumably thinking it was all going well and he was relaxed about it.

You, not unnaturally, want to know where you stand.  Saying what you did at this early stage probably surprised him if he was feeling relaxed and happy but hadn't thought ahead.  I suspect guys do not think ahead all that much unless they feel threatened in their relationships.  It could be he was well on the way to 'bonding' but not there yet.

However, you instinctively brought the subject up and he said what he said.  What happens now is either that you will split up because you are not going in the same direction, or he will try to find some sort of understanding with you.  What you don't want is an understanding that you will be FWB for ever, nor do you need him to propose marriage at this stage.  You just want some idea that you both want the same thing with each other.  If he is not ready for that, he will have to say so and you will need to decide whether his uncertainty is because the relationship is new or if it is because he is open to dating others.

A shock like you distancing yourself in this way will make him think how much this relationship matters to him.  What should he do?  Hard to know at this point.  He is either going to come back to you and try to rebuild with you or he is going to abandon this relationship.  That should give you your answer.

[LaPi]

3 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Or maybe he doesn't want to get married ever again (which would be understandable given this past) and he's getting the feelng in his gut that you're going to push for that eventually.

Well, I am not his ex. I deserve a man who sees me for who I am and I am worthy of commitment, marriage or not. Love is all that matters here. And I do want to fall in love and have someone love me back. 

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, LaPi said:

on a dating app if that matter. And both of us weren't using the app while dating each other. I had all the sign he was not a player... and yet. 

When meeting online it is imperative to ask ar the beginning, before meeting, what are the person's goal. Are they aiming at a committed relatiionship or they wanna go with the flow. If you are a serious dater stay away from answers like : i'm open to relationship, i'm not in a hurry, let's go with the flow, and other similar replies.

[LaPi]

6 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

People get attached and 'bond' at different stages

Here comes my second guessing. Maybe, because people bond at different paces, maybe I need to give him more time to bond with me, because again, we are amazing when together and we both acknowledge that. I am afraid I was too quick to say goodbye, to protect my heart, but sometimes people just need to come around? I honestly don't know, as I am not that of an expert. Relationships are usually easy for me and my past relationships, we both wanted to be together no matter what and we did. Now, looks like "commitment" and "affection" are the worst words in the world. 

[dramafreezone]

11 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Well, I am not his ex. I deserve a man who sees me for who I am and I am worthy of commitment, marriage or not. Love is all that matters here. And I do want to fall in love and have someone love me back. 

Love isn't all that matters.  Whether you like it or not, a guy that's getting older does some risk/reward calculus when it comes to relationships, especially when the courts can take half of what a guy has when he gets divorced.  Why are you worthy of committment? 

Also, have you ever stopped to ask yourself what does he want?  What are his concerns?  Can you be what he wants?   Or does any of that matter to you?

Edited April 14, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Dis]

Just now, LaPi said:

Maybe, because people bond at different paces, maybe I need to give him more time to bond with me, because again, we are amazing when together and we both acknowledge that. 

Or maybe he's being honest by saying he doesn't want anything serious

 

Why don't you take him at his word? He's literally giving you an out by being honest. If I were you I'd take it. 

[LaPi]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

When meeting online it is imperative to ask ar the beginning, before meeting, what are the person's goal. Are they aiming at a committed relatiionship or they wanna go with the flow. If you are a serious dater stay away from answers like : i'm open to relationship, i'm not in a hurry, let's go with the flow, and other similar replies.

Maybe I am naive, but I think sometimes two need to meet and feel the feels before deciding "wow, this guy might be worthy of my commitment and full attention" - no? 
I admit when it comes to dating, I focus on one person at the time. I don't date multiple. I have no time nor desire to do that, so for me it's pretty obvious that if I am still seeing you - I think you are worthy 

[Dis]

Just now, LaPi said:

Maybe I am naive, but I think sometimes two need to meet and feel the feels before deciding "wow, this guy might be worthy of my commitment and full attention" - no? 
 

That rarely ever happens

[cleverusername]

Why not just enjoy the ride? It sounds to me like you're trying to lock him down forever. If he's not seeing other people, you're on the same page for now, you're both happy, stick with it. You may not end up married but at least your togther in the now. Whats the rush?

Edited April 14, 2021 by cleverusername

[Gaeta]

Be careful here. He did not talk about needing time to develop feelings,  his reply was general, over all he doesn't think he wants a relationship. Which means he not disposed to open his heart. A man like that can date you a full year with all the lovey dovey you wish and still not want an official relationship. We see that regularly here.

[LaPi]

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Love isn't all that matters.  Whether you like it or not, a guy that's getting older does some risk/reward calculus when it comes to relationships, especially when the courts can take half of what a guy has when he gets married.  Why are you worthy of committment? 

Also, have you ever stopped to ask yourself what does he want?  What are his concerns?  Can you be what he wants?   Or does any of that matter to you?

That would be a pretty cynic approach in ones love life and I don't want that, no thanks.

We can talk money and protect each other from divorce/separation... but holding back affection is something else. It's cynical. 

And YES, I care about all of that. We talked for hours about relationships, about how we both had bad experiences (my ex was abusive) - about how we want something better for our lives and so on.We talked about kids, about family members, friends etc.  I was SHOCKED when he said yesterday he doesn't know he wants a relationship ever. 

[spiderowl]

3 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Here comes my second guessing. Maybe, because people bond at different paces, maybe I need to give him more time to bond with me, because again, we are amazing when together and we both acknowledge that. I am afraid I was too quick to say goodbye, to protect my heart, but sometimes people just need to come around? I honestly don't know, as I am not that of an expert. Relationships are usually easy for me and my past relationships, we both wanted to be together no matter what and we did. Now, looks like "commitment" and "affection" are the worst words in the world. 

Not at all, LaPi, commitment and affection are really important.  You don't want to wait for ever to find out whether this guy is going in the same direction as you.  When I said people bond at different paces, that's all I meant, not that you should never expect any commitment.  If after 3 or 4 months you are not getting any signs of commitment in any way, then think again.  A few weeks is too early, in my opinion.  However, he should be showing you he wants to be with you and only you at the moment - maybe starting to introduce you to friends (hard at the moment due to Covid), saying he's not dating anyone else, planning ahead a bit with you, showing signs that he would not be comfortable with you dating others.

I think you will know if he is getting more involved with you as time goes on.  I can understand you want certainty now but if you just back off from seeing him so much, he will be contacting you and seeking out your company if he misses you.  If you feel he is keeping you on a timetable, seeing him only once a week or something and barely keeping in touch in between, then you would be right in thinking he is not as involved as you.  

This is not easy to navigate.  As long as your boyfriend feels he is under pressure to state his intentions, he will panic and feel cornered.  If you take that pressure off and spend more time without him, you will find out pretty quickly how much he misses you and, perhaps more importantly, he will find out how he feels about missing you.

[Alpacalia]

A novel approach would be to move on to someone who wants the same things as you.

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

but at least your togther in the now. Whats the rush?

Hhmm, she'll be back in a year with the thread: my amazing bf still has not said I love you.