Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[LaPi]

2 minutes ago, norealusername said:

I agree. Give up on him. You're setting yourself up for disappointment trying to talk it out with him. There's plenty of other single men out there.

Yeah plenty of fish in the sea. But that's the mentality I am trying to stay away from: "the next guy is just a swipe away, so why bother with this one".

I know I ended thing, I got scared myself and I was trying to protect my feelings. The only reason I want to reach out is because otherwise it feels like I gave up easily while what we had together was good. When I told him that I was really happy with him, I meant it. And that doesn't happen with everyone. 

and 99% it will blow up in my face again or he won't even respond, however, I miss him, genuinely. 

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, LaPi said:

So, to sum it up, telling him I wanted a partner in my future and opening up to him about my desires and goals was a mistake, I came on too strong, and I should never do that again even if it feels right and even if I think we are aligned. 
Because ultimately, you never really know, and it’s better to just go with the flow, always. 
even if you end up in a 6 months long “relationship” that goes literally no where?

I would be ok with that at 27. But I’m 37. 

Timing is everything.  It wasn't wrong to express what you wanted but you have to do it at the right time. 

You say it on your profile.  You swipe left on anybody who says they only want casual.  You don't go on a 2nd date with people who hem, haw & hedge on the 1st date about what they want in general.  

Once you start dating, you sit back & watch for the 1st month or 2.  You don't waste 6 months but you are patient & closed mouth in the beginning.  You can also trying delaying sex until you are on the same page about relationship v. casual.  But you have to be conscious that labels scare some people.  I am a woman but I bolted more then once on guys that tried to label what we had too early for my tastes.  

7 minutes ago, LaPi said:

it feels like I gave up easily while what we had together was good.

You didn't give to too easily.  He did.  If you chase now, even if he gets back with you, this will be the pattern forever:  you chasing & him giving you bread crumbs, doing the bare minimum.  That doesn't sound like much of a partner to me.  If he was as connected & invested as you are, he would not have let it go on this long.  

Edited April 16, 2021 by d0nnivain

[norealusername]

He gave up too easily. If he felt anything, he could've said he's not sure yet. At least he didn't string you along for months. I'd say just don't contact him at all. He might contact you at some point. Up to you if you respond but I think you should just write him off.

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You didn't give to too easily.  He did.

I was going to say exactly that. 

@LaPi What do you hope he'll say? That you misunderstood and he does want a relationship with you? If so then why did he let you leave his place without saying a word? without trying one last time to tell you how he feels? That's because he has nothing to say. He agrees with you you need to find someone that fits better with you. 

[Versacehottie]

16 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

It's comforting when a woman can be in the moment and she's not looking to step 10 when we're on step 2, or just looking for something to go wrong.

1000%. ^^^^

OP, so why are you ignoring your stellar instincts that had you to 20 pages in thinking you must be right about his intentions, to flip flop and want to contact him?

I think you are still just doing ANYTHING and everything to try to control the situation and be in this guy's life.   I think you would need to abandon your beliefs about him and his intentions if you are going to try this TACTIC.  In other words, you can't hold onto the belief that he is trying to dupe you/doesn't want a relationship and have success with the faux apology, "let's try again".  You have to admit to yourself that possibly you were wrong and wipe away your beliefs about what he does and doesn't want. Rely on his words and actions (which is what you should have been doing in the first place.)

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

It's comforting when a woman can be in the moment and she's not looking to step 10 when we're on step 2, or just looking for something to go wrong.

Agree, things come more naturally when there's a natural pacing.

[hippychick3]

I would definitely not contact him again. It will devalue you to do that when he let you go so easily. You missing him is not a reason to contact him. That feeling will dissipate in time. Just let him go. 

[LaPi]

 

29 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I was going to say exactly that. 

@LaPi What do you hope he'll say? That you misunderstood and he does want a relationship with you? If so then why did he let you leave his place without saying a word? without trying one last time to tell you how he feels? That's because he has nothing to say. He agrees with you you need to find someone that fits better with you. 

I don't really have "hopes" - I am just debating if we actually had a misunderstanding. Because, yes, true is that he let me leave his place, but also true is that I left his place without trying to better understand his point of view. So we both put up walls. 

[Versacehottie]

54 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Yeah plenty of fish in the sea. But that's the mentality I am trying to stay away from: "the next guy is just a swipe away, so why bother with this one".

I know I ended thing, I got scared myself and I was trying to protect my feelings. The only reason I want to reach out is because otherwise it feels like I gave up easily while what we had together was good. When I told him that I was really happy with him, I meant it. And that doesn't happen with everyone. 

and 99% it will blow up in my face again or he won't even respond, however, I miss him, genuinely. 

But you don't trust him, his intentions or that you will get what you want.  You are so hyper-focused (and yes I believe pressuring him which is part of the reason you got the answer you got from him) on the end game that you are messing up the steps that it takes to get there.

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, LaPi said:

but also true is that I left his place without trying to better understand his point of view. 

His point is that he's not sure he ever wants to be in a relationship again. In how many paragraphs can he explain that to you?

[LaPi]

1 minute ago, Versacehottie said:

But you don't trust him, his intentions or that you will get what you want.  You are so hyper-focused (and yes I believe pressuring him which is part of the reason you got the answer you got from him) on the end game that you are messing up the steps that it takes to get there.

I am not hyper focused on the end game. OMG why on earth saying something like "I want to find love again in my future eventually" is pressure for a man? 

No seriously, if I like a guy and he says to me that he's into me I DON'T FREAK OUT. 

Is not that I asked to meet his parents after a month, jeez. I told him I was into him and I was trying to make this "whatever it was" between us work. 

 

[norealusername]

Asking for a commitment after 8 dates would be out of line, just asking what his relationship goals were I don't see a problem with. 

[hippychick3]

I think there’s a delicate balance between stating your goals of wanting a relationship and still living in the moment/going with the flow. I met my fiancé when I was 43 and if I had said what you said after 8 dates, I may have scared him away. At that point, he was really into me and we were crazy about each other but not attached to the point that I couldn’t scare him away. He’s told me years later that he wasn’t expecting to find his future wife doing online dating. He was not sure what he really wanted then. But over time, his love and attachment for me grew to the point of wanting to marry me. 
 

I understand where you’re coming from wanting to “know” but honestly, a guy could just say anything that early on. It doesn’t hold much weight until you’ve known each other and been with each other for longer than a month. That early on it’s better to just watch and observe his actions. 
 

But given his reaction (no matter how understandable it may be), there’s no going back to him now with dignity. Just file this experience away for future info. 

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, norealusername said:

He gave up too easily. If he felt anything, he could've said he's not sure yet. ...

That is exactly what he said based on the first post.  Not sure if still the case.   I may have missed a correction in the last 24 pages though.

Edited April 16, 2021 by SumGuy

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

His point is that he's not sure he ever wants to be in a relationship again. In how many paragraphs can he explain that to you?

My guess is OP wants to better understand what makes it not sure.  Many different reasons, it may be he is thinking he is homosexual which could kind of knock her out of the running, or it could be they are both still officially married, each have kids and reforming a family with someone else is a big step.

In the end, OP broke it off, and think OP is wondering if that was too quick of a reaction.

Personally, I'd reach out...and don't think it lowers one's dignity one wit unless one cannot admit they are human and maybe made a mistake in an emotional moment (and you don't even need to admit that, it takes a brave and strong person to reach out in this situation)...otherwise I'd always wonder if I let the good one get away....assuming everything up to this point was good and he wants to be exclusive.

[LaPi]

5 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

That is exactly what he said based on the first post.  Not sure.   I may have missed a correction in the last 24 pages though.

Yes, he said he wasn't sure. He seemed confused. 

Also, maybe worth to add, he's not in a good place mentally - he's seeing a therapist, he's often sad and overwhelmed about responsibilities and everyday life. 

One week, he didn't text me for one entire day (which I think it's ok, but anyway) - and the next day he said he was feeling blue and he was worried that feeling that way will push this "amazing and wonderful person away" - referring to me 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/13/2021 at 7:56 PM, LaPi said:

I told him I know what I wanted for me: I wanted a partner in my future, not sure yet if that partner will be him, but I definitely was seeing myself in a committed relationship at some point in the future.

he responded that he doesn't know what he wants, if he will ever want a partner, that he's having a good time with me, and "maybe things will go well, maybe not" he's just not sure and doesn't want a relationship, definitely not right now. I was asking for "right now"

Don't contact him. There was no misunderstanding, just incompatibility.

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, LaPi said:

I am not hyper focused on the end game. OMG why on earth saying something like "I want to find love again in my future eventually" is pressure for a man? 

No seriously, if I like a guy and he says to me that he's into me I DON'T FREAK OUT. 

Is not that I asked to meet his parents after a month, jeez. I told him I was into him and I was trying to make this "whatever it was" between us work. 

I'm pretty sure he did not freak out about the question, but likely did not think out his answer and went with his gut which is he is not 100% sure in the moment...again divorce, kids, all that....I know a real guess as my crystal ball is in the shop.

I hate to say you may, may have freaked out on his answer...which I understand was "not sure"...but so what if you did, if he cares he will look for a way to forgive and even see his part in it.

If this really was just a misunderstanding in the moment, emotions running high, you can clarify that fairly fast in a conversation.  You seem to have it enough together that you won't cave and agree to friends with benefits or some such.

 

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Also, maybe worth to add, he's not in a good place mentally - he's seeing a therapist, he's often sad and overwhelmed about responsibilities and everyday life. 

The man is nowhere ready to jump in another relationship. I don't know why you are so set on dating a broken man. 

[norealusername]

19 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

That is exactly what he said based on the first post.  Not sure if still the case.   I may have missed a correction in the last 24 pages though.

I didn't see that. I didn't read the whole 24 pages lol

[SumGuy]

23 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Yes, he said he wasn't sure. He seemed confused. 

Also, maybe worth to add, he's not in a good place mentally - he's seeing a therapist, he's often sad and overwhelmed about responsibilities and everyday life. 

One week, he didn't text me for one entire day (which I think it's ok, but anyway) - and the next day he said he was feeling blue and he was worried that feeling that way will push this "amazing and wonderful person away" - referring to me 

I guess it comes down to, can you understand this or did you need certainty from him in the moment.

Based on this I myself would also also want to find out, especially as all up to this point seemed so good.  Personally for me, at this stage in a relationship I would not require certainty on this point, simply certainty that they want to see me (exclusively), grow what we have and are open to the idea of a partner in the future.  I would also really like to understand their pros and cons.

Different personality types will express the exact same desire as you may have in very different ways.  His not sure may mean no way, or it may mean he only says he is sure when he 300% is certain, nothing will ever sway him.  I kind of like the later people in my life more, you can count on them, the ones that say they are certain quickly always give me pause as my personal experience is they change their mind just as certainly.

 

If I had followed the other advice here would have broke up with my girlfriend years ago, but I listened and talked with her about her uncertainties, heard her feelings, put myself in her place.  And realized her hesitancy was not because she doesn't know her mind, or doesn't want what I want, or isn't completely in to me...and even if some of it is "she needs therapy" so what, she is reliable and all the other things...and all that hesitancy has gone, so it took her a year longer than me.

I'll just leave it with this, as need to get off LS.   

For me it seems really simple.  It's cost benefit to me.  

What is the cost?  You have a conversation, what is the worse you see happening?  If it places you in danger don't do it. It is not like it is going to end the relationship as that already happened.  Could it be awkward, yes.  I does take some bravery to reach out.

What is the benefit?  You reach understanding.  You may find out he really does mean casual, see other people, etc., Then tell him goodbye and you will have certainty and we'll say what a d**che bag he was but you took the high road.   Or you may find this is a misunderstanding, and get back together and be stronger for it as you overcame your first fight in a healthy way.

Given that in my mind I'd reach out.  Heck I've reached out in far more awkward situations and so glad I did, even when the outcome did not change. 

Wish you luck and happiness either way you decide to go.

Edited April 16, 2021 by SumGuy

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, LaPi said:

Yes, he said he wasn't sure. He seemed confused. 

Also, maybe worth to add, he's not in a good place mentally - he's seeing a therapist, he's often sad and overwhelmed about responsibilities and everyday life. 

One week, he didn't text me for one entire day (which I think it's ok, but anyway) - and the next day he said he was feeling blue and he was worried that feeling that way will push this "amazing and wonderful person away" - referring to me 

So this is where he is in life at the moment (bolded), coupled with being in midst of separation and not yet divorced and you expected him to have clarity about his romantic future????

Anything "certain" he told you, would have been lip service at best based on a shaky foundation and a need to appease you.

What is sad in 24 pages of analysis of this situation, the guy himself barely feels like he is factoring in.  You are ignoring what he realistically wants, needs and who he is and where he is in life.  And his actual ability to give it to you.  This blows my mind under the guise of caring for this person.

[Versacehottie]

5 hours ago, LaPi said:

I am not hyper focused on the end game. OMG why on earth saying something like "I want to find love again in my future eventually" is pressure for a man? 

No seriously, if I like a guy and he says to me that he's into me I DON'T FREAK OUT. 

Is not that I asked to meet his parents after a month, jeez. I told him I was into him and I was trying to make this "whatever it was" between us work. 

 

Nothing really wrong with saying it. You did as you saw fit for your life.  That said, if we take your story on his reaction, it was pressure for THIS guy. And you just need to accept it.

What is wrong with him feeling pressured by that statement?

And why are you having such a hard time accepting his answer?

[Trail Blazer]

10 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Over here... behind the cactus.  Yes... that's me.  I had a rolodex full of women I had dated and slept with and now I've been with my present girlfriend for 9+ years.

And yes... it took much longer than a month and 8 dates for both of us to feel like we wanted to be together in this long-term relationship.

I think for mine, I either know straight away I want to be in a relationship, or I don't.  I always thought that as I've gotten older I's need more time to work out compatibility, but that hasn't seemed to happen. 

I think I just lucky when I met my GF.  I knew from the first minute we started talking on our first date that I just wanted to know more.  Our level of interest and intrigue with one another was mutual and very high.

I am certain that it would take me a while to find someone compatibile again, should I ever find myself on the dating scene.  However, where we differ is I think I'd know either way well and truly before eight dates in. 

[Trail Blazer]

8 hours ago, LaPi said:

Yeah plenty of fish in the sea. But that's the mentality I am trying to stay away from: "the next guy is just a swipe away, so why bother with this one".

I know I ended thing, I got scared myself and I was trying to protect my feelings. The only reason I want to reach out is because otherwise it feels like I gave up easily while what we had together was good. When I told him that I was really happy with him, I meant it. And that doesn't happen with everyone. 

and 99% it will blow up in my face again or he won't even respond, however, I miss him, genuinely. 

On a day-to-day level, you guys were compatible, but on a long-term basis, it turns out that you're not aligned.  I do feel for you because, upon realizing that your long-term desires aren't aligned, you cannot simply turn off your feelings towards this man on a dime.

To what end do you wish to reach out to this man?  I know that you miss him, but he doesn't want what you want.  You will always be pushing him to desire something that he doesn't.  You will be setting yourself up for more heartache in the long run.

I know that it feels personal, but from what you've shared about him, it's probably got more to do with that clichè line, "it's not you, it's me" than you realize.  The guy himself isn't in the right frame to be in a relationship.  But, he's a man, and men need/want women in their lives in some capacity.

I would only suggest you attempt to reconnect if you are okay with this relationship not being an exclusive one where you see a future together.  If the sex is good, if the companionship is good - if you can compartmentalize those aspects from othere you desire; long term commitment, then it could work. 

Can you?  I don't think so...

So, the best and most logical course of action is to bid him a farewell and move on from this man.  Ultimately he doesn't offer what you're looking for, so you are incompatible.  There are plenty of men who will commit to you, should you be the right woman, long before eight dates.  I am living proof.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.  Do not conflate a desire to not be so fussy and dismissive of a good thing with an ability to identify when non-negotiables are not aligned.  It would be silly to let your emotions dictate your choices when it's glaringly obvious that reconnecting will fall flat on its face.

Let go, it's time to move on...