Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[LaPi]

I haven’t pressured him. I haven’t ask for commitment at any point during the conversation. 
I only told him that I liked him and that I was putting my best intentions with him forward, not holding back. 
I also said to him that night: “I tend to have a faster pace on things, because I get excited, so please, if you feel like I’m going too fast, please let me know, because I don’t want to push you away”. And he said “you are not pushing me away”. 

he had all that evening, plus the next morning to express the way he was feeling or tell me “let’s slow down, I don’t want this to end” instead, he agreed with me we were not on the same page about what we look for for the FUTURE. 
plus, he said he wasn’t feeling pressured by me. Because I asked, and he said no. 
 

Now, I came here for support and opinions, and I thank each and every one of you, for your words and time. 
But I genuinely liked this man and I thought he liked me too, and that’s enough punishment, I don’t need to be called “entitled” or that I had a “bad behaviour he couldn’t tolerate” - because I expressed my desires for the future. 

and yeah, a lesson learned? More than that, unfortunately for me, I learned that I should not trust people and more so, I should not trust my feelings and my guts, I should repress them and just don’t show any vulnerability. And just assume everyone is nice and romantic because they want to get into my pants. Especially at the beginning. In case someone else decide to run away from this clingy monster I am. 
 

so yeah, awesome lesson. 

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, LaPi said:

and yeah, a lesson learned? More than that, unfortunately for me, I learned that I should not trust people and more so, I should not trust my feelings and my guts, I should repress them and just don’t show any vulnerability. And just assume everyone is nice and romantic because they want to get into my pants. 

Girl, that's sad.  That you allow a one month dating experience to affect you so severely that you will never trust or open your heart to another man again.  

Well, good luck finding what you want because allowing yourself to trust and be vulnerable is a necessary part of achieving emotional intimacy with another human being, which you will never find all because some guy you dated for a mere one month didn't want what you want.

Again, very very sad, but it's your life.  All the best.

 

Edited April 18, 2021 by poppyfields

[Dis]

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Come on guys, I say we give OP a break, some of these posts are just cruel.

She did nothing "wrong" nor did she cause unnecessary "drama" by communicating her general desire for a LTR, even at only 1 month in.

They had a nice thing going, they were exclusive, had intimate conversations about many things that HE initiated.

She trusted him, trusted that he was on the same page.

He wasn't. That was unfortunate. She ended it.

LaPi did what many of us do or have done - second guessed our decision.  He has not responded and that hurts!  

Why all the shaming?  I don't get it, she did what many of us have done, so seriously on behalf of LaPi, stop blaming her and shaming, and show some compassion, she's hurting.  

 

^^^Yes!

 

Why rip into OP just because she did what many of us have done many, many times which is an innocent thing like, tell the person we're seeing that we like them and want a relationship with them?

 

Why would that be wrong on any level and why berate OP about that? 

 

I love LS but one thing I don't like about it is how posters pick apart OP's posts and twist his/her intentions into something ugly when the intention behind the post is harmless and full of hurt

 

OP did what was right for her and I hope she knows that 

 

xoxo, OP  

[LaPi]

21 minutes ago, Dis said:

She trusted him, trusted that he was on the same page.

He wasn't. That was unfortunate. She ended it.

LaPi did what many of us do or have done - second guessed our decision.  He has not responded and that hurts!  

@poppyfields

one post you get me, the very next post you attack me. 
nope, I’m not a sad person, and no, I won’t stop to be and believe in myself. 
I’ve got through an abusive marriage, for years. I can do anything. 
sure, I’ll have less hopes in people in general, and I won’t be open that much again, and my expectations will be non-existent, and I’ll wait at least 3 months to discuss anything more important than “where do we get pizza from?” And most definitely I won’t react instinctively to anything, because if you make a mistake in the early dating phase, there is no turning back. 
that’s basically all the advice I got here. 
To slow down, to lower my expectations, to wait before opening up, to listen to what the other person wants to do with me first, to never EVER even say the word commitment or partner, let alone marriage, during the dating phase. 
 

I liked him, and I told my intentions with a smile on my face because I thought he liked me too. He turned me down, he did not try to work things out, I felt so disappointed and sad that I left. I reacted impulsively? Sure. And I tried to make amend. 
Was I wrong to tell him that I cared about him? No. 
@Disthank you  

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, LaPi said:

@poppyfields

one post you get me, the very next post you attack me. 
 

Omg, if you considered my last post an "attack," you are going to have an extremely tough time in this world.

This will be my last post.

Again, all the best.

[cleverusername]

1 minute ago, LaPi said:

@poppyfields

one post you get me, the very next post you attack me. 
nope, I’m not a sad person, and no, I won’t stop to be and believe in myself. 
I’ve got through an abusive marriage, for years. I can do anything. 
sure, I’ll have less hopes in people in general, and I won’t be open that much again, and my expectations will be non-existent, and I’ll wait at least 3 months to discuss anything more important than “where do we get pizza from?” And most definitely I won’t react instinctively to anything, because if you make a mistake in the early dating phase, there is no turning back. 
that’s basically all the advice I got here. 
To slow down, to lower my expectations, to wait before opening up, to listen to what the other person wants to do with me first, to never EVER even say the word commitment or partner, let alone marriage, during the dating phase. 
 

I liked him, and I told my intentions with a smile on my face because I thought he liked me too. He turned me down, he did not try to work things out, I felt so disappointed and sad that I left. I reacted impulsively? Sure. And I tried to make amend. 
Was I wrong to tell him that I cared about him? No. 
@Disthank you  

Your problem is you are looking at everything black and white. Life is complex. People are complex. I get you were vulnerable and it didn't turn out how you wanted, that sucks. Everyone here think that sucks. We're sorry to hear about it. Don't take the color out of life by looking at everything black or white, live in the moment. 

[LaPi]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Omg, if you considered my last post an "attack," you are going to have an extremely tough time in this world.

This will be my last post.

Again, all the best.

Thanks for that, stranger, thanks, really. 

well I hope I won’t have any *extremely* though time in this world. I don’t deserve it. Nobody does. 

so good luck to you too and all the best. 

[Trail Blazer]

@LaPi

Allow me to give my two cents worth;

The first thing you need to do is take a step back.  

This thread has blown up with responses since you first created it.  Admittedly I haven't had time to read it all; just the first few and last few pages.  It's possible that you are overwhelmed by the sheer volume of responses and you haven't been able to process them all. 

Some of the advice has been very good, however, I feel like you've mainly focused on the responses which you've felt personally attacked by, and responded in an emotional way.  Sometimes when we are emotionally-charged and get our backs up on the defense, we only absorb information to respond, rather than to understand.

Having said that, I do feel that you've been unfairly maligned from the outset, which hasn't helped your amenability to listening to much of the good advice that has imparted.  Which is why I think it's important that you detach a little from both the situation at present, as well as this thread.

My view is that I do not believe that your expectations were at all unreasonable.  However, that's just me.  If after eight dates and one month of dating the exclusivity talk hasn't arisen on one shape or form, I'd find it a little strange myself.  So, in that regard, I am right with you.

Where I think we differ is, and where the crux of your issue seems to be with other posters, is that you can't seemingly accept that this guy wasn't on the same page.  You abruptly ended it as a reactionary measure to feeling hurt.  The guy was obviously unsure on where he sat, with your later admission being that he was suffering from mental health issues.

At the end of the day, it's important to not get too invested too soon.  It's important to know where both parties sit, and opening such dialog is perfectly fine and reasonable.  In fact, I would encourage it.  All I would say is that when you do open up such dialog, just be prepared to hear something you might not like hearing.

I know it hurts.  I know you're emotionally-charged.  And, no, I do not condone this view that after eight dates, people don't owe others decency and respect.  I say that as a general statement because I feel that as human beings go, we all owe each other decency and respect.  I understand that many disagree, which is why we live in the harsh world we live in.

There lessons for you to learn are that you need to understand that others don't think like you and thus, you need to takes measures to protect yourself.  I don't mean, "just go with the flow", but rather, you need to make a concerted effort to ratchet down your emotions before you know that someone else is on the same page.

Never stop seeking what you want, and never stop communication with regards to your wants and needs, either.  After eight dates, if a guy isn't pushing for exclusivity himself, chances are he's not going to, ever.  This relationship was convenient for this guy and you did the right thing in bringing the situation to a head.

What you do not want to be is someone else's convenience.  What you want to be is someone else's desire for commitment (assuming you still want a relationship in the future).  You just need to balance ascertaining whether the person is right for you and communicating your feelings without coming on too strong and pushing them away. 

Having said all that, eight dates is long enough to say that you didn't push him away, but rather, he got spooked and upon realizing that he faced a choice where he had to commit to something he never wanted to, he instead ran.  I'm sorry, but these things happen.  Dust yourself off and move on.

[trident_2020]

2 hours ago, LaPi said:

I haven’t pressured him. I haven’t ask for commitment at any point during the conversation. . 

You said in your intro post that you told him you could no longer date him because he couldn’t promise a future with you. 
 

Maybe you didnt pressure him but certainly you’re the one who ended it.

 Learn from this. Don’t make impulsive decisions based on emotion. That’s just reacting and it’s often a bad decision. One you’re already regretting. 

[Dis]

2 hours ago, LaPi said:

 

I liked him, and I told my intentions with a smile on my face because I thought he liked me too. He turned me down, he did not try to work things out, I felt so disappointed and sad that I left. I reacted impulsively? Sure. And I tried to make amend. 
Was I wrong to tell him that I cared about him? No. 
@Disthank you  

Of course and I'm so sorry you've received some harsh comments here

 

FYI, I don't think you were implusive at all. You voiced your wants/needs. His didn't match yours. So you ended it rather than dragging it on only to be more hurt down the line. All very reasonable, smart and rational. 

[Soak]

12 hours ago, LaPi said:

He’s entitled to not reply, 100%. 
not everyone choose to be kind and mature, some people are just unkind and immature and again, he’s prerogative. 
 

I have my closure, we are done and looking back, this was not even my choice, but his. 
He doesn’t want me. 
and now, that’s fine by me. 

I think you did the right thing. By "your self"... You tried again and he didn't reply. At least you have your answer. Better off doing it this way than spend months (or years) wondering what could have been.

I think you conducted your self well. I wouldn't have sent the last message, but it was your choice. At least you can move on now knowing you tried everything in your power and at the same time, IMO, keeping your dignity.

Don't let anybody tell you your values are wrong. They seem fine to me. Keep holding out for somebody who meets your standards and don't become another person who has sacrificed or compromised their ideals or best self for the sake of a "relationship" or not being alone. 

Edited April 19, 2021 by Soak

[Negotaurus]

[] if you want a healthy relationship with somebody, you need to recognise it and work on it. It's something you can fix, something you do have control over. 

Be patient with yourself as you heal, vent as much as you need to. 

Edited April 20, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Rude

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately this is what dating is all about. You get to know each other and see what fits and what doesn't.

 Be grateful this guy had the integrity to be honest with you rather than string you along.

 He wished you luck in your endeavors and bowed out politely when the incompatibilities were pressed.

He also had the integrity to tell you upfront that he only wanted casual and wasn't ready for a relationship.

Dating is a what you see is what you get situation. 

[Happy Lemming]

@LaPi I just wanted to respond that I think all people should acknowledge communication within 24 hours.  If someone were to text me about a relationship that ended, I probably would not text them back, but I would e-mail them. I've never blocked any of my ex's, although I do delete the number from my phone, so I don't "drunk text" them.

I do remember one woman leaving a long message on my answering machine after we broke up.  After listening to the message several times, I wrote down the main points she had inquired about.  I drafted a carefully worded e-mail and let it soak overnight. I revised it in the morning and sent it off.  I do hope I answered her questions and addressed her concerns. She did not contact me again, so I guess she received the information she was after.

I'm sure others will disagree with me, but I do think everyone should acknowledge communication (within 24 hours).  I'm not saying I would become a pen-pal with an ex, but returning an e-mail or two is not something I am opposed to.

[SumGuy]

23 hours ago, LaPi said:

He did receive it, as the message was “delivered”. it doesn’t matter, I don’t need to be right or wrong in this case. 
if two people are into each other, there is very little one person can do to “push away” the other. 
He wasn’t into me, that’s all I wanted to know. 
 

All the “I like you, I’m really happy when I am with you, I have you in my life, let’s hold hands” 

translates into: “yeah, we are having some fun and you are sexy, and I’m using you to unload some emotional distress, but you are basically nothing to me” 

again, good riddance. 

I hope you hear back some kind words from him even if he doesn't want to try again.   Maybe too soon to call it if it has only a day, but you can know you tried.