Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[LaPi]

4 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Why not just enjoy the ride? It sounds to me like you're trying to lock him down forever. If he's not seeing other people, you're on the same page for now, you're both happy, stick with it. You may not end up married but at least your togther in the now. Whats the rush?

It's not a matter of rush. I have no rush.  It's a matter of attachment. I am getting attached, I am showing him affection, I am daydreaming and I am infatuated. Can't help it. I would love to continue, but I am the one afraid now of suffering later on. 

[dramafreezone]

8 minutes ago, LaPi said:

That would be a pretty cynic approach in ones love life and I don't want that, no thanks.

We can talk money and protect each other from divorce/separation... but holding back affection is something else. It's cynical. 

And YES, I care about all of that. We talked for hours about relationships, about how we both had bad experiences (my ex was abusive) - about how we want something better for our lives and so on.We talked about kids, about family members, friends etc.  I was SHOCKED when he said yesterday he doesn't know he wants a relationship ever. 

Well what I'm telling you is how a lot of guys in this age bracket think.  You can call it cynical, but it's dealing with the reality of the world.  And this guy's already been divorced, he's really been through it already.  The "all I need is love" is out of the window for him.  You can't dictate the way he or some other guy should feel about relationships.  Their realiity is not your reality.

I would be very concerned tha you don't seem to be willing to understand his perspective, his concerns.  I don't see how you could be shocked about his hesitation given what's he's been through.

Edited April 14, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Dis]

1 minute ago, LaPi said:

It's not a matter of rush. I have no rush.  It's a matter of attachment. I am getting attached, I am showing him affection, I am daydreaming and I am infatuated. Can't help it. I would love to continue, but I am the one afraid now of suffering later on. 

Which is bound to happen

 

Being attached to someone is no reason to stay with them. I was attached to my ex who was cheating on me, but I didn't stay with him and yes it hurt like hell to let him go. 

 

But as another poster mentioned, it isn't all about love. Love itself isn't enough. You have to have compatibility, mutual respect, communication, the same goals. Feelings only factor in so much. You're building a house on crumbling foundation here. 

[cleverusername]

3 minutes ago, LaPi said:

It's not a matter of rush. I have no rush.  It's a matter of attachment. I am getting attached, I am showing him affection, I am daydreaming and I am infatuated. Can't help it. I would love to continue, but I am the one afraid now of suffering later on. 

You're trying to put a roof on a house with no walls. You're getting caught up in your own feelings. If he's not dating anyone else and you're happy, great! He can still leave you. If you're in a relationship guess what? He can still leave you. Putting the word "relationship" on it doesn't equate long-term success. If you like him, stay with him. 

[LaPi]

You are all very, very right and on point here. I told him good things, he knows I like him, he knows I am willing to work on things with him. 

With all the stress and how crappy are things around us (I'm in Toronto) - he and my son are the only two things that makes me smile right now honestly and I was genuinely having a good time and enjoying the closeness. 

But, it's true, he doesn't want to be with me for real, he just wants to casually date. And I can't lower my standards, that would give him the wrong message. 

We part ways with him saying "I hope you find what you are looking for" - is not willing to give this a try. Now or never. Why bother. 

Edited April 14, 2021 by LaPi

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

 If you're in a relationship guess what? He can still leave you. Putting the word "relationship" on it doesn't equate long-term success. If you like him, stay with him. 

Of course he can leave but while in the relationship he will be fully committed. What he is offering her is a FWB, good time, sex, and don't ask him too much else cause he's not up for real relatiinship stuff.

Edited April 14, 2021 by Gaeta

[LaPi]

4 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

You're trying to put a roof on a house with no walls. You're getting caught up in your own feelings. If he's not dating anyone else and you're happy, great! He can still leave you. If you're in a relationship guess what? He can still leave you. Putting the word "relationship" on it doesn't equate long-term success. If you like him, stay with him. 

Oh agree 100%. I don't need any labels. I can be his girlfriend, I can be his wife, and still dump him, and vice versa. I know that. 

That doesn't mean I should be dating someone I am invested with knowing is nowhere close to where I am an he is just having a good time. Especially sexually. That's disrespectful to my own feelings. 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, LaPi said:

(I'm in Toronto) 

Montreal here. We are all hoping things will get better for you guys soon! 

At the size of Toronto you'll never run out of men to date. You will find your guy. 

[LaPi]

Just now, Gaeta said:

Montreal here. We are all hoping things will get better for you guys soon! 

At the size of Toronto you'll never run out of men to date. You will find your guy. 

You would think! Ahah but thanks! 

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Oh agree 100%. I don't need any labels. I can be his girlfriend, I can be his wife, and still dump him, and vice versa. I know that. 

That doesn't mean I should be dating someone I am invested with knowing is nowhere close to where I am an he is just having a good time. Especially sexually. That's disrespectful to my own feelings. 

Exactly. "Lose you to love me" is a good motto.

[LaPi]

20 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

You can't dictate the way he or some other guy should feel about relationships

no and that's the whole point. He can feel whatever he feels about relationships. But why start (and continue!!) things with me if he doesn't want to go anywhere. Sex? Well, I am offended that he thought I was into that only. After all the talks and the closeness we shared. After all the questions about me and my life. 

[LaPi]

3 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Exactly. "Lose you to love me" is a good motto.

well yeah. I want to choose and be chosen for once. It can't be THAT difficult. Is it an age thing? Is there too much offer out there that people just don't want to focus on one person? Are the dating apps the problem? 

[dramafreezone]

7 minutes ago, LaPi said:

no and that's the whole point. He can feel whatever he feels about relationships. But why start (and continue!!) things with me if he doesn't want to go anywhere. Sex? Well, I am offended that he thought I was into that only. After all the talks and the closeness we shared. After all the questions about me and my life. 

He liked you.  This is not unusual behavior when you emjoy the company of another person.  You want to know more about them.  Pretty basic stuff.

And he didn't dump you or anything.  He wanted to continue.  What's the difference between what you're doing right now and a "committed relationship?"

[poppyfields]

47 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

I think you will know if he is getting more involved with you as time goes on.  I can understand you want certainty now but if you just back off from seeing him so much, he will be contacting you and seeking out your company if he misses you.  If you feel he is keeping you on a timetable, seeing him only once a week or something and barely keeping in touch in between, then you would be right in thinking he is not as involved as you.  

This is not easy to navigate.  As long as your boyfriend feels he is under pressure to state his intentions, he will panic and feel cornered.  If you take that pressure off and spend more time without him, you will find out pretty quickly how much he misses you and, perhaps more importantly, he will find out how he feels about missing you.

This is great insight, I agree with all of it. 

I also think it's important to be aware of how your own uncertainty and anxiety drove you to ask such questions and to also be cognizant of how HE interpreted your questions.

What you meant and what he heard are often two different things causing a toxic polarization which sounds like precisely what happened.

A shame really because had you been able to relax and enjoy the journey, the process of moving closer, naturally and organically, without the need for certainty of where it's going, it may have actually taken you to where you ultimately want to be - a loving, healthy, mutually-rewarding committed relationship.

Or maybe not, but one must be willing to take the risk without the need for reassurance or more certainty (which I suspect is how he interpreted your questions) otherwise the whole thing blows up before it ever had a chance to begin.

That said, I don't think this is over.  It's a bump in the road.  Not uncommon, there have been plenty of bumps like this in virtually all my long term relationships.

Two independent people navigating the process of moving closer is often not a smooth endeavor, no matter what all those dating gurus tell you.

I say that because from what you've written, he liked you, he had feelings for you, more than casual.  But I think this "talk" (premature imo after only 8 dates) may have freaked him and he felt a bit panicked and cornered as per the bolded quote above.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Is it an age thing? Is there too much offer out there that people just don't want to focus on one person? Are the dating apps the problem? 

I have no idea. 😬

[Dis]

27 minutes ago, LaPi said:

You are all very, very right and on point here. I told him good things, he knows I like him, he knows I am willing to work on things with him. 

With all the stress and how crappy are things around us (I'm in Toronto) - he and my son are the only two things that makes me smile right now honestly and I was genuinely having a good time and enjoying the closeness. 

But, it's true, he doesn't want to be with me for real, he just wants to casually date. And I can't lower my standards, that would give him the wrong message. 

We part ways with him saying "I hope you find what you are looking for" - is not willing to give this a try. Now or never. Why bother. 

Oh yeah, that's telling you he stands firm in his decision to stick with casual relationships because if he really wanted you or if there was a possibility of things being different he would've told you then 

 

I know it hurts now but you did the smart thing by breaking it off now instead of getting even more hurt down the line

 

The trick will be not to contact him and continue to be steadfast in moving on. Please keep in mind that in a week or a month from now when you long for him and want nothing more than to call him...that nothing has changed. You won't get a different outcome the second time around. 

 

(((hugs)))

[Dis]

17 minutes ago, LaPi said:

well yeah. I want to choose and be chosen for once. It can't be THAT difficult. Is it an age thing? Is there too much offer out there that people just don't want to focus on one person? Are the dating apps the problem? 

Noooo, it just takes awhile to find the right person! Don't despair!  

 

You just need to be smarter in the way you go about things next time. You need to vet these guys (make sure they're compatible with you at least on paper) before the first date and as you continue. If you do that you'll have better luck. 

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry, OP.  It sounds like your instinct was telling you something about this guy.  A guy who was really into you would not say goodbye, he would find a way to be with you again.

[Dis]

13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

This is great insight, I agree with all of it. 

I also think it's important to be aware of how your own uncertainty and anxiety drove you to to ask such questions and to also be cognizant of how HE is interpreted your questions.

What you meant and what he heard are often two different things causing a toxic polarization which is precisely what happened.

A shame really because had you been able to relax and enjoy the journey, the process of moving closer, naturally and organically, without the need for certainty of where it's going, it may have actually taken you to where you ultimately want to be - a loving, healthy, mutually-rewarding committed relationship.

Or maybe not, but one must be willing to take the risk without the need for answers or more certainty (which I suspect is how he interpreted your questions) otherwise the whole thing blows up before it ever had a chance to begin.

That said, I don't think this is over.  It's a bump in the road.  Not uncommon, there have been plenty of bumps like this in virtually all my long term relationships.

Two independent people navigating the process of moving closer is often not a smooth endeavor, no matter what all those romance gurus tell you.

I say that because from what you've written, he had feelings for you, more than casual.  But I think this "talk" may have freaked him and he felt a bit panicked and cornered as per the bolded quote above.

 

 

 

 

 

Was it anxiety driven or did she just want to make sure their goals align and that they want the same things from each other? Because if they want different things (which they did) how can they get anywhere when they're going different places? 

 

He didn't even budge on it too when she called it off. That to me is very telling. 

Edited April 14, 2021 by Dis

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

I'm sorry, OP.  It sounds like your instinct was telling you something about this guy.  A guy who was really into you would not say goodbye, he would find a way to be with you again.

I think he still might.

LaPi, how long ago did this happen?

Just a hunch, but I don't think this is over, keep us posted! 

[Dis]

Just now, Dis said:

Was it anxiety driven or did she just want to make sure their goals align and that they want the same things from each other? Because if they want different things (which they did) how can they get anywhere when they're going different places? 

 

He didn't even budge on it too when she called it off. That to me is very telling. 

Also to expand on this....

 

A woman or man asking the person they're seeing to define the relationship should be a happy thing if both people are on the same page. If he really wanted her and a relationship he would've been happy to lock her down and it would've bonded them...not torn them apart. 

 

8 weeks is not too soon to do that. IMO it's way past the time for that talk. 

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Dis said:

Was it anxiety driven or did she just want to make sure their goals align and that they want the same things from each other? Because if they want different things (which they did) how can they get anywhere when they're going different places? 

He didn't even budge on it too when she called it off. That to me is very telling. 

Like I said in previous post, I suspect what she meant (bolded) and what he heard are two different things.

As a man, what HE heard was she was pushing for commitment, and after only 8 dates, it was much too soon, he was still in the process of moving closer to her emotionally.

Hence his response.

[Dis]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Like I said in previous post, I suspect what she meant (bolded) and what he heard are two different things.

As a man, what HE heard was she was pushing for commitment, and after only 8 dates, it was much too soon, he was still in the process of moving closer to her emotionally.

Hence his response.

But if he really liked her he would've been happy to give her that 

 

I don't see how that could've scared him away unless she has mascara running down her face and sobbing while she asked him that lol 

 

That wouldn't scare the right guy away...it would attract him 

[LaPi]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

I think he still might.

LaPi, how long ago did this happen?

Just a hunch, but I don't think this is over, keep us posted! 

Between yesterday night and this morning. We had this conversation in bed before sleeping, so we still slept in the same bed - mostly hugging actually - because the closeness was just there. This morning was more awkward, but I said goodbye, telling me that I care about him, that I wanted him to be happy and we hugged and all. We never had a fight. 

That's why I am so sad, because I care about him. Even if it's just 8 dates. Wonderful dates. 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, LaPi said:

seeing myself in a committed relationship at some point in the future

She said she "sees herself in a committed relationship at some point in the future." I don't think she was asking for his hand in marriage. It could have meant being monogamous.