Upfront about desires and intentions at the beginning

[LaPi]

I think you guys are all right here to some extent. 

It's a mix of I came on too strong, I initiated a deeper conversation maybe too soon, he interpreted things etc. 

Although, I felt it was ok between us to talk, because we had many deep conversations during our dating, about ourself, about the kids, about our past relationships. I felt "safe" to be myself and to be vulnerable. Boy I was wrong. 

It ended, most likely it was my fault. However, he did nothing to fight for this, he did nothing to reach out and work things out. I strongly believe that if you are into someone, you don't let that person slip away this easily. So I guess he wasn't that into me. 

[poppyfields]

LaPi, allow me to be blunt. While I understand the road to true love doesn't always run smooth, this situation sounds completely f**ked.

When things start off this f**ked, let it go.

Imo, he did set you up. I mean asking you what you want for your future and when telling him you want what most people want, he responds no?  That's not what he wants?  

Come on, it's very obvious at least to me, he was scrambling around for the exit. 

Why?  Who the hell knows, fear most likely. 

Do not second guess yourself, you did the right thing by ending it. 

Edited April 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, LaPi said:

It's a mix of I came on too strong, I initiated a deeper conversation maybe too soon, he interpreted things etc. 

Although, I felt it was ok between us to talk, because we had many deep conversations during our dating, about ourself, about the kids, about our past relationships. I felt "safe" to be myself and to be vulnerable. Boy I was wrong. 

Wait, now you're saying YOU initiated the conversation?😳

Edited April 14, 2021 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, LaPi said:

If he wanted out, why inviting me over for the usual date, wanting me to spend the night, reach out to me everyday and so on. If he wanted out, he could have fade away...like many do. It's disgusting, but many do that. 

 I guess he didn't want to be seen as the bad guy, conflict avoidant.
But once you made it plain you were in it for more than casual, he seized the opportunity.
A lot of divorced guys or even guys in general it seems to me see single mothers as fun, as fillers, as fwbs. they don't see them as relationship material
The fact these women are busy with kids also suits them down to the ground. 
Plenty "space" and no commitment. He probably knew you were getting attached so needed to set you straight.
If you were also into casual and NSA sex, then it could have continued but as that was not your goal then it would only have ended in heart ache for you.

[LaPi]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Wait, now you're saying YOU initiated the conversation?😳

Poppy, I said something like this: 

"I would love to see you more, but at the same time, I don't know if you are ok with once a week. See, I tend to go faster on things because I am excited, and my worries is that I might scare you away and I don't want that. So please let me know if you think I am going too fast with us, because you know that I really like you and I only have the best intentions with you to make things work. Besides, I know what I want in my future" 

E then he said: :"what you want?" ... and the rest of the convo you have it. 

[LaPi]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

 I guess he didn't want to be seen as the bad guy, conflict avoidant.
But once you made it plain you were in it for more than casual, he seized the opportunity.
A lot of divorced guys or even guys in general it seems to me see single mothers as fun, as fillers, as fwbs. they don't see them as relationship material
The fact these women are busy with kids also suits them down to the ground. 
Plenty "space" and no commitment. He probably knew you were getting attached so needed to set you straight.
If you were also into casual and NSA sex, then it could have continued but as that was not your goal then it would only have ended in heart ache for you.

Why single moms are not relationship materials? Are we damaged in any way? 

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, LaPi said:

It ended, most likely it was my fault. 

It's not your fault at all. I had men fight harder to keep dating me after 3 dates!

You did not pressure him in anyway. When a man is that easily scared away you let him run. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, LaPi said:

He let me clearly believe he was very interested in me, he was affectionate, open and sincere

He was interested in you. But after 8 dates did not want to map out your future with you.

Next time get to know someone and have the exclusive talk before sex.

 

[LaPi]

I am just very angry overall. What is wrong with the world lately, where players and casual sex and all that "commitment" fear is acceptable and excused, while people who are strong and courageous enough to believe in forming strong emotional connection and opening up their hearts get punished?? 

[LaPi]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

He was interested in you. But after 8 dates did not want to map out your future with you.

Next time get to know someone and have the exclusive talk before sex.

 

He was interested in me, but also VERY ok to let me go?

Why then, if we were in opposite places, I would most definitely reach out? 

Was a very, very superficial interest then. 

[Happy Lemming]

16 hours ago, LaPi said:

He's 37, single dad of two.

@LaPi Put yourself in his shoes... He is a single dad of two, he is paying child support and probably paying alimony, as well.  He probably went through some emotional trauma during the divorce process, as well.

You come along and after 8 dates you start talking commitment.  Although you were probably tactful in how you brought it up, his brain heard "I want a ring, you better set a date, etc. etc."  At that point, a cold shiver went down his spine as thoughts of his previous marriage flashed into his head. His brain started screaming "Abort, Abort... hit the ejection button, get out of there" 

This guy was trying to date, have some fun, add some normalcy back to his destroyed life and you brought up commitment after 8 dates.  And you are wondering why he ran away...

[Backinthesaddleagain]

15 hours ago, LaPi said:

After a month and some of dating, and 8 amazing and very loving and romantic dates (sleeping in each other's house, holding hands while walking, stop the movie to kiss etc..) I told him I know what I wanted for me: I wanted a partner in my future, not sure yet if that partner will be him, but I definitely was seeing myself in a committed relationship at some point in the future. To my complete shock, he responded that he doesn't know what he wants, if he will ever want a partner, that he's having a good time with me, and "maybe things will go well, maybe not" he's just not sure and doesn't want a relationship, definitely not right now. I was asking for "right now"

So I told him we were not on the same page and even if I didn't want to do it, I needed to stop dating him.

I am 37, single mom. He's 37, single dad of two. 

I was just being transparent of my goals and desires and now I am just crying in my living room, second guessing myself. I am a grown woman, I am allowed to have love life goals and I a man should not be put off by my willingness to be upfront. Especially after being all lovey-dovey for 8 dates. 

Or... Have I acted too fast? 

I disagree with the others here. You have been together a month, and you date twice a week since meeting. All the signs were there that things were going great... See bolded above- why on earth would you say that??? It's like "Hey I like you, but not sure if I like you enough". This isn't the kind of talk that tells a guy you are asking for "right now". This is probably what immediately sent his defenses up. Maybe he was on the same page as you, but when he heard this he got scared. You can let a guy know that you are cautious about going forward without bashing his ego into the dirt. Being transparent is good, but sometimes you can't show all of you cards or the game will end prematurely. Men get scared of being hurt just as much as women. 

At 37, I know you don't have an unlimited amount of time to mess with time-wasters, but you should be willing to invest more than a month before pulling the rip cord. Good luck with the next one! 

[Johnjohnson2017]

Me: "wait, uh? I though you said your life would be so much better with a partner at one point" 
Him: "yeah, I said it, but that doesn't mean that I want it"

 

So he said his life would be so much better with a partner? Does that mean he doesn't want his life to be better that's why he doesn't want a partner?

What he really means is that he doesnt think you are the partner that would make him happy. He wants to keep dating other women.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, LaPi said:

Was a very, very superficial interest then. 

You dated for a matter of Hours over the course of 8 dates in 4 weeks. You are overinvesting. It's that simple.

Next time get to know someone and screen well being selective before you're this overinvolved. Have the exclusive talk before you get attached, not after. 

Choose more carefully. It's all you can do at this point.

Edited April 14, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Backinthesaddleagain]

5 minutes ago, LaPi said:

He was interested in me, but also VERY ok to let me go?

Why then, if we were in opposite places, I would most definitely reach out? 

Was a very, very superficial interest then. 

It almost sounds like you were trying to scare him off so he would come back chasing you. Looks like he called your bluff...

[LaPi]

5 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

It almost sounds like you were trying to scare him off so he would come back chasing you. Looks like he called your bluff...

Not at all. Quite the opposite. If I wanted to scare him off, why am I here writing trying to find some closure? I want him, I like him, I want him to like me for real. 

But I know my worth and I am nobody's option/casual/just hanging out person. 

[Miss Peach]

15 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

You don't bring up "commitment" after 8 dates, no matter how amazing they were.

If after two years of dating you want to start talking commitment, then that is OK.

At 8 dates, you scared him away... Going forward, don't do that.

I am in the group who thinks this is totally wrong. There is a difference between looking for a partner and still checking each other out and the idea of you being the partner.

 

I know it's not what you wanted to hear but when guys say they're not looking for a relationship, etc. it's one time they actually mean it. It basically means he's not with you and if you stick around you are OK with signing up to be casual and nothing more. My guess is he was probably checking you out and for whatever reason is happy with the fringe benefits he's getting but doesn't see you as a GF or wife.

 

After a month and 8 dates if he was really interested in you he would be ready to take you off the market or to do that soon if he was that worried about losing you. Not necessarily as knowing he wants yo as a partner but enough to be exclusive/be a girlfriend and see what develops.

Edited April 14, 2021 by Miss Peach

[Backinthesaddleagain]

I'd also like to add that some men (especially those of us who are older) Just don't have the patience to deal with these dating games and nonsense anymore. If I really like someone and she starts with the games, I'll blow out the door before she finishes her sentence. 

[LaPi]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Chose more carefully. It's all you can do at this point.

sometimes you just get played. I thought I did.. choose carefully. I was telling my friend "wow, it seems like we are in love already, we are just so much of two love birds"

I am hurt and I am upset because clearly I was reading everything so wrong. And I don't even know how. Other men, they were way more detached and clearly not as invested, so I wasn't either. But with him.... it was different. That's why my shock 

[LaPi]

3 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

I'd also like to add that some men (especially those of us who are older) Just don't have the patience to deal with these dating games and nonsense anymore. If I really like someone and she starts with the games, I'll blow out the door before she finishes her sentence. 

So you are saying I was playing a game? Can I ask you what you mean? 

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Miss Peach said:

I know it's not what you wanted to hear but when guys say they're not looking for a relationship, etc.

Guys aren't looking to walk down the aisle after 8 dates and that is basically what the OP did... You have to give a guy a chance to let the relationship develop, not jam it down his throat after 8 dates.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, LaPi said:

sometimes you just get played.. That's why my shock 

He did not "play you". You willingly consented to early sex because you were attracted. So?  Not everything pans out and you found out after 4 short weeks and 8 dates that you are not a match. That's ok that's what dating is for.

[Backinthesaddleagain]

Just now, LaPi said:

So you are saying I was playing a game? Can I ask you what you mean? 

Not that you were even consciously playing games. It's just the way you described your interaction with him. Don't tell a man you are interested in that you are looking for something serious, but then not sure if it is with him or not. This is just bizarre. First, talking about commitment so early will scare away most men in general, even if they really like you to begin with. And second, never tell him that you aren't sure if he is the one- KEEP THIS TO YOURSELF. This makes men feel like they are just on the dating assembly line and are being evaluated by the quality control department before being rejected and thrown into the garbage can.

Be feminine! Be sensual! Be seductive! BE ROMANTIC! This early part of your relationship should be super fun without a stitch of drama. Good men hate this and will run. In closing, keep it real, and let things flow naturally. If it feels wrong, move on. If it feels right, go with it and see what happens. Stop worrying about all the stupid dating rules. As you can see by this forum, and by this thread alone- there are a million different personality types and everyone has their idea of what works for them. The rules are so different for everyone, you just have to find someone with a similar mindset as you.  

Good luck LaPi

[LaPi]

7 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

Not that you were even consciously playing games. It's just the way you described your interaction with him. Don't tell a man you are interested in that you are looking for something serious, but then not sure if it is with him or not. This is just bizarre. First, talking about commitment so early will scare away most men in general, even if they really like you to begin with. And second, never tell him that you aren't sure if he is the one- KEEP THIS TO YOURSELF. This makes men feel like they are just on the dating assembly line and are being evaluated by the quality control department before being rejected and thrown into the garbage can.

Be feminine! Be sensual! Be seductive! BE ROMANTIC! This early part of your relationship should be super fun without a stitch of drama. Good men hate this and will run. In closing, keep it real, and let things flow naturally. If it feels wrong, move on. If it feels right, go with it and see what happens. Stop worrying about all the stupid dating rules. As you can see by this forum, and by this thread alone- there are a million different personality types and everyone has their idea of what works for them. The rules are so different for everyone, you just have to find someone with a similar mindset as you.  

Good luck LaPi

So based on this (thank you btw, very good insight) - should I reach out to him in few days? If so, what should I say? You said there are no rules in dating, I might as well trying everything, no? 

Me asking if I should reach out is just to cover all my bases in case we really had a misunderstanding and in case this might really be something good. 

 

[Happy Lemming]

29 minutes ago, LaPi said:

sometimes you just get played.

 

Is it your belief that every guy that has sex with you is obligated to marry you??