My girlfriend was once the other woman & it's eating away at me finding out

[WELLINGTON14]

Hi abit if background have known my girlfriend from being about 12 to 25 in the same friendship group but we’ve always had different partners never anything between us, for the past year we have been in a relationship & it’s been very good no problems so far.

I found out before that her previous ex cheated on her & she cheated on him it was very messy but didn’t let that deter a good thing s*** happens! The more I’ve found out though although I think her ex wasn’t the best person abusive, lied, cheated etc they were together for 5 years and he threatened to kill himself every time she tried to end things, she stuck with him but started a relationship with a work colleague, she said she didn’t know he was married with kids but found out during the affair but still carried on, eventually the wife found out and messaged her boyfriend and the relationship ended. 
knowingly having an affair with a married man with kids and carrying on behind your boyfriends back with pictures still with him at family events it’s something I can’t quite get my head round, I’ve tried to speak to her not judge her because I do love her & make abit of sense of it all which she got really defensive about says she hates herself & the married guy & is so disgusted knows she’s done wrong and will have to live with it forever sounded pretty remorseful but also very defensive understandably & I didn’t want it to be an interrogation so kind of left it because this girl does mean a lot & her past is her past just like mines mine.

The thing is she still works with this guy although she claims seperate offices & only sees him if it’s in a group meeting, this makes me slightly uncomfortable the reason being the guy is a HR manager so there is always some level of communication & anonymous flowers have been showing up at my girlfriends house, she says she doesn’t know who there from but highly suspects it is this guy, the last time was on Valentine’s Day & they were waiting outside when we got back to her family home, she pulled the tag off which she didn’t think I saw and said they were for her mum & got about her business, I questioned her and said why did you take the tag off I’ve just seen you, in which she said I didn’t want you to be angry because there for me & the note read, ‘still thinking of you, you mean a lot to me xxx’

she said she would’ve told me but she just felt scared of how I’d react & it just made me feel like she had hidden something from me blatantly, she said she made it clear to this guy when they got caught it was done & she’s not spoke to him outside of work related things for over a year & I trust her so believe she hasn’t welcomed this but it’s still happened & made me feel like maybe this guy is still pursuing her & I don’t fully know where it was left it’s all on my girlfriends word & I don’t want to bring it up because she feels like it’s something she wants to leave behind and loves me says there’s nothing there at all, & she hasn’t given me reason to believe differently so far, it’s more this guys actions that are making things weird which wouldn’t seem so strange if they didn’t still work together & have some form of communication via email, let me know your thoughts thanks!

P.S I’ve known this girl a while very family orientated & loving all of this part of her life seems out of character & I feel she was at a low point & weak which is why this affair started, the problem I have is I’ve been cheated on in my past & cheating/cheaters no matter what the circumstance I believe there’s always a way out rather than falling into bed with someone else & to play a part in breaking up another family, when my end goal is to start a family & envisioned that with this girl, it just feels different & I don’t know if I’m overreacting or just now scared to have my heart on the line knowing what my partner is capable of.

[NYAG]

5 hours ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

Hi abit if background have known my girlfriend from being about 12 to 25 in the same friendship group but we’ve always had different partners never anything between us, for the past year we have been in a relationship & it’s been very good no problems so far.

I found out before that her previous ex cheated on her & she cheated on him it was very messy but didn’t let that deter a good thing s*** happens! The more I’ve found out though although I think her ex wasn’t the best person abusive, lied, cheated etc they were together for 5 years and he threatened to kill himself every time she tried to end things, she stuck with him but started a relationship with a work colleague, she said she didn’t know he was married with kids but found out during the affair but still carried on, eventually the wife found out and messaged her boyfriend and the relationship ended. 
knowingly having an affair with a married man with kids and carrying on behind your boyfriends back with pictures still with him at family events it’s something I can’t quite get my head round, I’ve tried to speak to her not judge her because I do love her & make abit of sense of it all which she got really defensive about says she hates herself & the married guy & is so disgusted knows she’s done wrong and will have to live with it forever sounded pretty remorseful but also very defensive understandably & I didn’t want it to be an interrogation so kind of left it because this girl does mean a lot & her past is her past just like mines mine.

The thing is she still works with this guy although she claims seperate offices & only sees him if it’s in a group meeting, this makes me slightly uncomfortable the reason being the guy is a HR manager so there is always some level of communication & anonymous flowers have been showing up at my girlfriends house, she says she doesn’t know who there from but highly suspects it is this guy, the last time was on Valentine’s Day & they were waiting outside when we got back to her family home, she pulled the tag off which she didn’t think I saw and said they were for her mum & got about her business, I questioned her and said why did you take the tag off I’ve just seen you, in which she said I didn’t want you to be angry because there for me & the note read, ‘still thinking of you, you mean a lot to me xxx’

she said she would’ve told me but she just felt scared of how I’d react & it just made me feel like she had hidden something from me blatantly, she said she made it clear to this guy when they got caught it was done & she’s not spoke to him outside of work related things for over a year & I trust her so believe she hasn’t welcomed this but it’s still happened & made me feel like maybe this guy is still pursuing her & I don’t fully know where it was left it’s all on my girlfriends word & I don’t want to bring it up because she feels like it’s something she wants to leave behind and loves me says there’s nothing there at all, & she hasn’t given me reason to believe differently so far, it’s more this guys actions that are making things weird which wouldn’t seem so strange if they didn’t still work together & have some form of communication via email, let me know your thoughts thanks!

P.S I’ve known this girl a while very family orientated & loving all of this part of her life seems out of character & I feel she was at a low point & weak which is why this affair started, the problem I have is I’ve been cheated on in my past & cheating/cheaters no matter what the circumstance I believe there’s always a way out rather than falling into bed with someone else & to play a part in breaking up another family, when my end goal is to start a family & envisioned that with this girl, it just feels different & I don’t know if I’m overreacting or just now scared to have my heart on the line knowing what my partner is capable of.

You have to make a judgement call. If you are uncomfortable with her being near this guy you have to either put up with it and trust her or leave because otherwise it will just eat you up. Alternatively remain open to conversation and talk to her about it. If you don't knock your concerns on the head the mistrust and jealousy, misplaced or otherwise will eat you up and damage your relationship. Judge everyone as an individuals. People in horrible situations do desperate things and look for escapism and coping strategies. It sounds like she had a horrible time with her last BF and this MM gave her a small escape from it. Don't necessarily judge her badly for it, it sounds like she is already judging herself badly for it.

[pepperbird2]

This is just my own opinion, but I am a big believer in the idea that people who you who they are, if you're willing to see it.
This woman sounds less than honest. She knowingly stayed involved with a married man, she hides things from you ( flowers) and was perfectly fine using a lie to try and cover her behind.
Is this typical for her in other areas, or was this unique to this one past relationship?

 

 

[d0nnivain]

I'm not excusing what she did but I can understand how she got there. 

She was in this awful relationship for 5 years with a bad guy who emotionally manipulated her by threatening suicide.  She was emotionally vulnerable from that roller coaster ride from hell.   All of which happened in her early 20s, a period of time when few people make great decisions. 

During that mixed up period, there was a nice guy at work.  He made her feel special & she didn't ask the right Qs.  She also did not do the right thing.  She cheated on her rotten BF.  She should have just broken up. 

Anyway, the guy at work was a like a ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak existence & she fell for him.  By the time she realized he was married, she was in deep.  Being young, lacking good judgment, & having the trainwreck of the BF to deal with she made more bad decisions.  They only broke up because they got caught.  Not because she did the right thing.  

You are right to be leery of the "anonymous" flowers.  You already know she's capable of cheating.  She cheated on the last BF & didn't seem to care about the work guy's marital status once she found out.  If I thought she had matured & learned from the mistakes she made in the past, I'd say if you trust her, give her a chance but since she didn't break things off with the MM because it was the right thing to do but only because they got caught & she hid all this bad stuff from you, I think you don't owe her the benefit of the doubt, especially because your picker is off, having been with cheaters before.  I wouldn't be comfortable with her continuing to work with the MM.  Continue dating her at your own peril.  

[BourneWicked]

If you two are going to stay together, she needs a new job. This is the only way. Otherwise, prepare yourself to walk. 

Basically she needs to make a decision.

Coming from someone who did the same thing she did. We messaged all day, every day. Used to call and email outside of work, until we got caught. The idea of romance is so huge, its just this fantasy of complete understanding with someone that you have the same sort of day to day things going on... it will continue, and in 5 years, then 10 years, you will wonder why it never stopped.

She'll probably hide it, make out like it's nothing, and then be with him when the opportunity presents. If you're okay with that, continue as you are. If you're not... tell her and that you believe she needs to take a new job or it will continue. If she says it wont continue - what has she done to truly stop it? If you're not ok with her continuing a workplace romance indefinitely, prepare to move on. 

Best of luck to you. 

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, BourneWicked said:

If you two are going to stay together, she needs a new job.

Not only because he is her “ex.” But also because he is in HR, he is in a position of authority to her. That would make me very uncomfortable...

[WELLINGTON14]

Thanks for the replies honestly I haven’t seen anything or heard anything to make me believe something would happen with this guy, she said the thought of him makes her feel sick & says she is unworthy of love because of her past the remorse is there, the reason I’m still in this relationship is because I love her & she hasn’t done anything to me to doubt that or think she’d do me wrong.

unfortunately she was attracted enough to this guy at one point whether she was weak or not, still has some sort of contact sees him, emails likely due to his HR role, so there is still a level of some conversation which has made him feel confident enough to send those flowers, the first time she said she didn’t care who they’re from because she’s only interested in me, the flowers on Valentine’s she just didn’t want me to kick off & actually chucked the flowers in the bin, claims she would’ve told me she just panickedX she asked me what I wanted to do in terms of her contacting him and confronting him & I said no leave it because I don’t want you talking to him & that’s giving him a reaction, but on reflection I don’t know if I should have used that as an opportunity to shoot him down once and for all, she says he hasn’t contacted her about the flowers or I’m any other capacity than work, but my mind has a tendency to think worst case scenario & her just being able to see this guy & communicate daily doesn’t sit comfortably even if I do trust her.

I just feel like I’m in a bad situation because when I question these things she gets defensive and upset as she doesn’t want to keep going over her past and regrets it all, but at the same time I don’t feel I’m getting the answers I need to be fully comfortable & I don’t want to ruin what is a good relationship by looking like I don’t trust her, asking her to change job especially in the situation we’re in as well isn’t the most reasonable request but I can’t lie it would definitely put my mind at ease once and for all.

[FMW]

At the very least she should be making it clear with the guy that what they had is over.  For some reason he still thinks he has a chance (otherwise he wouldn't have sent the flowers).  Maybe it's just his ego, but maybe it's because she hasn't been clear with him.  But then again, him being in HR might be the reason why she hasn't been more firm about it, maybe worrying about her job.  As has been noted by others, that's the most compelling reason she should look for another job.    

[Marc878]

She’s just a girlfriend. No matter what she has the capability of low morals.

Repeats happen.  Why stay in this and take a chance?

[Stupidkupid]

I've been an OW and briefly a WS.

We all make crappy decisions sometimes.

However, it sounds like she doesn't quite deserve the judgement that I did and I wasn't in a great place.

Sounds to me like she was miserable and afraid, that the MM gave her something she felt she was not getting. I'm not saying she did the right thing, it is easy for us to sit behind our screens and say she should have left but you yourself suggest her BF at the time eas abusive.

Its very dangerous and utterly terrifying for women the leave abusive relationships. In fact, at the time of leaving and just after, women are most at risk of being seriously assaulted or murdered.

I'm not condoning her choices but I can see why they happened so have a proper talk with her. I would definitely not be happy about any continued contact with MM though.

Its up to you what you do but I feel gentle hobesty can't hurt, and see how you feel from there?

[Lotsgoingon]

Don't dismiss your misgivings. Consider them seriously.

Ultimately I would decide this based on how my body reacts. If I feel overwhelmingly reassured that she's a good person, I would stay with her. I wouldn't think my way there--the feeling that I'm safe with this person and that this person is virtuous needs to be visceral.

And it's OK to change your mind. 

But don't try to fake it--as in pretend you feel fine when you don't. Much better to tell her of your discomfort. Then she will know she needs to reassure you if she wants. If she doesn't or can't, then that's your exit signal. 

 

 

 

[mark clemson]

Your red flags and dealbreakers are your red flags and dealbreakers. Everyone has them and it's not a shock for "former OM/OW" to be on someone's dealbreaker list.

The fact that she has done this before indicates she has the potential to do it again. It's also true though, that any partner could potentially do it. Most people will say they're against cheating, etc. But guess what - lots of people do it anyhow.

So if you strongly feel she's sincerely not likely to do it again due to guilt, having a bad experience, etc, she might actually be a better bet than someone who (perhaps naively) believes that "I'd never do that" but hasn't actually been through it and decided they don't like it.

Overall, I'm not sure I put much stock in what people claim they would/wouldn't do hypothetically OR in self-flagellation after the fact.

Which essentially brings it to being a toss up.

Which in turns brings it back to first sentence above. You'll have to decide whether this is a dealbreaker.

[glows]

I'm all for new beginnings but the flowers and her ongoing nervousness around this coworker or HR manager are unnerving and wouldn't sit well with me.

Whomever the person in her past (ex-lover, ex-boyfriend etc) should know that she has moved on. Instead of her being embarrassed to show you the details of the tag on the flowers, her reaction might have been one of upset if she had a stalker (unwanted attention from someone). 

I do think some people are conditioned towards specific situations and maybe she didn't spend enough time single to reflect on her actions before she met you. Relationships take work. Shouldn't you both be interested in your future together and making plans and enjoying each others' company? Instead all of this is going on..

Edited April 14, 2021 by glows

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

I don’t feel I’m getting the answers I need to be fully comfortable

What does she need to say to make you feel comfortable? 

Edited April 14, 2021 by BaileyB

[Beentheretoooften]

I’m curious. How long was her affair? When did it end?  How long was she single before you got together?  Keep in mind that women AP’s, especially single women Ap’s generally have a harder time getting over affair endings.  She may still be clinging to hope.  She experienced the affair high that she does not get from you, so maybe she’s leaving that 1% chance of hope open. 

[MsJayne]

I'd be more worried about the flowers than about the affair.  MM's who go looking for affairs usually lie about their marital circumstances, so she's probably telling the truth about that, and her relationship history points to her being quite easily manipulated and controlled, so I'd take her at her word as to how and why it started. But the flowers? I'd be foaming at the mouth and would want an explanation regardless of who they're from. Whoever sends them is under the impression they're appreciated, and the fact that she first up lied about them indicates she's covering for the sender - she gas-lighted you, (gaslit? 🤔),  and if it was the MM, she still is gas-lighting you. She sounds like she lacks integrity, is selfish, and immature. Find out which florist sends the flowers and get a female friend to ring them and ask who's sending them. Or just accept that you'll never really be able to trust her, (because it does sound like she's quite full of it), and cut your losses before you spend ten years being manipulated by her. 

[WELLINGTON14]

Well she says the guys numbers blocked & hasn’t spoken to him since the affair so over 2 years now & we’ve been together 1 before the flowers cropped up, they still have some sort of contact through email at work I assume as he is in HR so I’d imagine she would have to talk to him at some point, the guy is still married & looks asif his partner has taken him back & then out of the blue these flowers turn up not once but twice anonymously but we believe having had a conversation it could only be one culprit, My girlfriend asked me what I wanted her to do in terms of finding out & like I said I didn’t want her contacting him at all so opted to leave it because I didn’t want to give him a reaction or self satisfaction of a response, the only problem with that is he either takes the hint she doesn’t care or it happens again & that’s sort of looming over us because she hasn’t opened communication to say don’t do that! I just find it strange how after a year he’s built up the courage to try it on again or maybe something is going on for him to send the flowers in the first place unless he’s just testing for a reaction.

I have his number from his works website & I honestly feel like confronting him but I know it’s wrong & going behind my partners back but something in me just wants to tell this scumbag to move on & if not let his wife know he’s up to his old tricks again for my own piece of mind, but I know that sounds insane & makes me look insecure, when I’m actually a very confident person & don’t really believe anything is going off from my girlfriends side so don’t want to undermine her if she is being genuine with me, a real catch 22 tbh.

Edited April 15, 2021 by WELLINGTON14

[NYAG]

7 minutes ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

Well she says the guys numbers blocked & hasn’t spoken to him since the affair so over 2 years now & we’ve been together 1 before the flowers cropped up, they still have some sort of contact through email at work I assume as he is in HR so I’d imagine she would have to talk to him at some point, the guy is still married & looks asif his partner has taken him back & then out of the blue these flowers turn up not once but twice anonymously but we believe having had a conversation it could only be one culprit, My girlfriend asked me what I wanted her to do in terms of finding out & like I said I didn’t want her contacting him at all so opted to leave it because I didn’t want to give him a reaction or self satisfaction of a response, the only problem with that is he either takes the hint she doesn’t care or it happens again & that’s sort of looming over us because she hasn’t opened communication to say don’t do that! I just find it strange how after a year he’s built up the courage to try it on again or maybe something is going on for him to send the flowers in the first place unless he’s just testing for a reaction.

I have his number from his works website & I honestly feel like confronting him but I know it’s wrong & going behind my partners back but something in me just wants to tell this scumbag to move on & if not let his wife know he’s up to his old tricks again for my own piece of mind, but I know that sounds insane & makes me look insecure, when I’m actually a very confident person & don’t really believe anything is going off from my girlfriends side so don’t want to undermine her if she is being genuine with me, a real catch 22 tbh.

I would contact him. Tell him to back off.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

out of the blue these flowers turn up not once but twice anonymously but we believe having had a conversation it could only be one culprit, 

This is what jumped out at me.  Based on the affair the guy at work is the most likely culprit but there is no evidence that he's the only possibility.  You really don't know if she's being overly flirty with somebody else.  Her conduct raises my suspicion levels. 

Do not take it upon yourself to contact him.  You may be her BF but he is in a position to fire her at work.  If you try to fight this battle for her, I wouldn't be surprised if she got fired.  To have you intervene makes her look incompetent.  If she has reason to believe he's still carrying a torch for her she needs to shut it down, not you.    If you want to help, work with her to polish her resume & get a new job.  Getting her away from him is better than confronting him.  If she balks at looking for a new job, then you may have a problem on your hands.  

[pepperbird2]

2 hours ago, NYAG said:

I would contact him. Tell him to back off.

I wouldn't.
His behaviour is no business of the OP's. Better to recommend to this lady that she send a "no contact" letter to this guy, saying that she no longer wishes to hear from him, and if she does, she will go tot he police.
If she balks, that's very telling.

[glows]

4 hours ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

Well she says the guys numbers blocked & hasn’t spoken to him since the affair so over 2 years now & we’ve been together 1 before the flowers cropped up, they still have some sort of contact through email at work I assume as he is in HR so I’d imagine she would have to talk to him at some point, the guy is still married & looks asif his partner has taken him back & then out of the blue these flowers turn up not once but twice anonymously but we believe having had a conversation it could only be one culprit, My girlfriend asked me what I wanted her to do in terms of finding out & like I said I didn’t want her contacting him at all so opted to leave it because I didn’t want to give him a reaction or self satisfaction of a response, the only problem with that is he either takes the hint she doesn’t care or it happens again & that’s sort of looming over us because she hasn’t opened communication to say don’t do that! I just find it strange how after a year he’s built up the courage to try it on again or maybe something is going on for him to send the flowers in the first place unless he’s just testing for a reaction.

I have his number from his works website & I honestly feel like confronting him but I know it’s wrong & going behind my partners back but something in me just wants to tell this scumbag to move on & if not let his wife know he’s up to his old tricks again for my own piece of mind, but I know that sounds insane & makes me look insecure, when I’m actually a very confident person & don’t really believe anything is going off from my girlfriends side so don’t want to undermine her if she is being genuine with me, a real catch 22 tbh.

Not a good idea. This early (one year in?) into your relationship you're both creating a dynamic that will start to set in the next few years should you continue to be together. This is your girlfriend's issue, not yours, so I'd resist the urge in trying to fix it. You may be fixing her and her problems the rest of your lives together. Does this seem appealing to you?

I don't know why she would ask you about you wanted to do. I'd be very careful being around someone who unwittingly needs help dealing with the slightest of issues. The flowers are a problem and she can handle it if she wants to. Instead she's dragging you into her past issues and suggesting that you may have an answer on what to do with them. There is no confidence at all about her. She may be disturbed and unsettled but she should know what to do. 

I'd suggest that her lack of confidence and insecurity is contagious.

There's likely not much to do except to observe whether this woman is the right woman for you. Don't look too far ahead or around you and avoid what's right under your nose. If she's not the right fit or someone you see with, this relationship might not last. There's no reason to look too far or to squash outside influences. 

 

[WELLINGTON14]

Yeah so I just completely bit the bullet my own peace of mind and tying up loose ends I had to do what I had to do, I rung the guy & I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone cower so much, admitted to sending the flowers & did it as a friend, he said she’s not had any contact with him but he did it anyway so a complete disrespect for another relationship & unprofessionalism finding her address from work & sending her flowers anonymously, I called him out saying it’s bullshit she’s made it clear 2 years ago when she cut contact leave her alone & you’ve admitted you knew she had a new boyfriend and on Valentine’s you’ve decided to send her flowers and try it on, the whole wanting to be friends is an ulterior motive & he didn’t have an explanation just that he agreed to cut the s***, I said ask yourself if your wife knew you’d done this what would her reaction be & if she’d not already lost all trust in you what would she think now & if I hear your name or see any sort of message that isn’t work related and you don’t take this advice I’ll have no choice but to let her know & the workplace that a HR manager can’t control himself, I know a lot of you will think I’m crazy but I got what I needed to done & for me I have a closure & also that my girlfriend was telling the truth.

I rung her after to tell her what I’d done & she actually wasn’t too mad, she said she was just disappointed we couldn’t have spoke about it together as a team & that I’d gone behind her back understandably not saying I am right to do what I did, but if that’s what I wanted to do she wouldn’t have had a problem because ultimately she knows she hasn’t welcomed this or entertained him & this was confirmed, but unfortunately I don’t think we would’ve got to that without an argument or it being heated & it was a spur of the moment decision I just did because I didn’t see a way I was going to get the answers I needed fast.

This phone call was about 10 minutes and was none threatening I just made my points and just said stop, didn’t do it to intimidate but I know some of you will be thinking ive gone abit over board unfortunately I’m not perfect & this was the best way of dealing with it for me thanks.

 

Edited April 15, 2021 by WELLINGTON14

[d0nnivain]

40 minutes ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

this was the best way of dealing with it for me thanks.

I'm glad you are at peace with your choice. 

If my BF did that he'd be out on his a$$ so fast.  You completely undercut her as an adult.  If she wasn't handling her affairs (literally & figuratively) to your liking, that was reason to dump her but to interfere in her work like that my blood would be boiling.  

[WELLINGTON14]

34 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm glad you are at peace with your choice. 

If my BF did that he'd be out on his a$$ so fast.  You completely undercut her as an adult.  If she wasn't handling her affairs (literally & figuratively) to your liking, that was reason to dump her but to interfere in her work like that my blood would be boiling.  

I completely get your POV I took all responses on board but ultimately I know myself, my relationship & I love this girl so all sense has sort of gone out the window, I feel awful for not trusting her but also I didn’t think it was right to ask her to change her job with all the friends she has there & it being close to home, something she’s really built her way up in, yes she made a mistake and got involved with a co -worker before we met & yes it was his actions not hers that caused this uncertainty, therefore I confronted him in my head to put this all to rest and not have flowers or other contact later down the line, but I completely agree that I undermined her & should've spoke to her about dealing with this herself, I actually am very disappointed and have crossed a line for my peace of mind & selfishness but at the detriment of my girlfriends feelings & trust, that I can’t undo I don’t expect sympathy I just got inside my head with all the worst case scenarios & just didn’t think about how stupid that decision was till after 😕

[Stupidkupid]

4 hours ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

I completely get your POV I took all responses on board but ultimately I know myself, my relationship & I love this girl so all sense has sort of gone out the window, I feel awful for not trusting her but also I didn’t think it was right to ask her to change her job with all the friends she has there & it being close to home, something she’s really built her way up in, yes she made a mistake and got involved with a co -worker before we met & yes it was his actions not hers that caused this uncertainty, therefore I confronted him in my head to put this all to rest and not have flowers or other contact later down the line, but I completely agree that I undermined her & should've spoke to her about dealing with this herself, I actually am very disappointed and have crossed a line for my peace of mind & selfishness but at the detriment of my girlfriends feelings & trust, that I can’t undo I don’t expect sympathy I just got inside my head with all the worst case scenarios & just didn’t think about how stupid that decision was till after 😕

Not a good excuse for what was essentially controlling behaviour.