End of relationship

[Sapphire1]

Hi. I am looking for people's advice and experiences when reflecting on my personal experience.

I was in a 3-year relationship with a woman. At the start of the relationship, I told her I wanted to go back to college to study as a doctor. She told me she wanted a family and children (which I wanted too) in 3-4 years. We had made plans revolving around both our wants and needs.

I decided to take a year out before I went back to study, to save up for college and for moving in together. We had moved in together at the start of last year, when the pandemic hit, in to her brother's apartment, as they moved somewhere else and we were paying rent equally. She loves travelling, but our planned trips had to be cancelled and she was unhappy with this.

In September of last year, I went back to college and study had taken up a huge amount of my time. I went walking, cycling and having time off on a Saturday with her to watch a movie.  We would eat dinner while watching TV everyday. We were also worried about money and I was working over Christmas too. I could tell she was tired with the way things were going, but I always thought it was because of COVID.

I have exams coming up in May this year and so, in March I think, I set more time out for study. I also felt I would ask her on weekends if she wanted to go walking, or if she wanted to come out with my friends. She would say no, because she was fatigued after working. She would walk to work, so everyday after she finished, I would walk to her and we would walk back home together.

However, in March this year, she told me she wanted to break up because of the "little things," like how I wouldn't do things with her on weekends, or how she felt she was doing a lot of the housework. She felt that she had told me these things in December and it was her ultimatum

I was devastated, but I also agreed with her and validated what she was saying, because I knew I was getting so absorbed in study.

I apologized and said I never meant to hurt her and that I would change the things she said were wrong for myself, because they had gone overboard. She also said she was at fault because she never communicated to me her feelings up to that point.

I asked her if there was a chance of us getting back together and she said she had hope for us, but she couldn't quantify the chance and she doesn't know if or when and it may be weeks. She asked me to move out that week, so I left and starting bringing stuff to my parents house.

The break-up was amicable and both of us were never angry at each other, just upset. She said she needed space and I respected her wish, although on the first 2 weeks she would call me once a day at night.

I eventually told her she should only call me if she felt like calling me and we agreed on extending the breaks between calls. However, last weekend her plans with friends were cancelled because of weather and she needed help with a project. She called me, out of loneliness, to help her out and called again the next day, too.

At this point, I was getting quite upset because I felt our conversations were so distant around our feelings and these calls were reopening wounds, I was in constant limbo.

I feel like I need to give her space so she can heal and finally understand how she is feeling about us. It's nearly been 4 weeks now and I want to tell her on our next conversation that she shouldn't contact me until she is ready to meet up, as it is too upsetting and I want to give her time.

I don't want to let her go and I want to wait for her. I've changed so many aspects of my life for myself and it has become routine,  but I do worry that, while absence makes the heart grow fonder, giving her more than a month will mean she no longer wants to reconnect while I'm still waiting for her.

She is such a sensitive person and I do worry that the hurt she feels will take an immeasurable time to heal.

Have you gotten back with a partner after space? How long was the space? Was the relationship stronger or just different? If someone wants space, is it likely they will do it again?

Edited April 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Spacing, Some Grammar

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately you were incompatible with goals and timelines from the start.

She wants living together, marriage, kids etc and you want to eventually get into medical school.

This may be a blessing in disguise. You were just holding each other back.

If you make it into medical school, you'll want to be single anyway.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

You two were never on the same page & she didn't talk to you about what was going on.  Nothing you did or didn't do seems all that bad to me & she probably would have been OK with it had she been more into you. Let her go. NC will help you.  

I only broke up & got back together with somebody 2x.  The first time we had a year or so apart.  It was super casual, 5-6 dates the 1st time.  Then we dated for about 6 months the 2nd time but it was never meant to be.  The second time we'd been together for almost 2 years when he dumped me.  I begged & pleaded, did everything wrong.  We got back together.  It lasted about 1 month & was awful.  It was a hollow shell of what our relationship had been; there was no trust.  We walked on egg shells.  I don't recommend it. 

You two are at different life stages & this was not meant to be.  You tried.  It didn't work.  Your focus has to be school for the next 10 years:  college, med school, residency, 1st year of practice.  You don't need he distractions.  

[Sapphire1]

49 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately you were incompatible with goals and timelines from the start.

She wants living together, marriage, kids etc and you want to eventually get into medical school.

This may be a blessing in disguise. You were just holding each other back.

If you make it into medical school, you'll want to be single anyway.

 

 

Hi. Thanks for your reply. I meant to say I am already in medical school.

[Sapphire1]

22 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You two were never on the same page & she didn't talk to you about what was going on.  Nothing you did or didn't do seems all that bad to me & she probably would have been OK with it had she been more into you. Let her go. NC will help you.  

I only broke up & got back together with somebody 2x.  The first time we had a year or so apart.  It was super casual, 5-6 dates the 1st time.  Then we dated for about 6 months the 2nd time but it was never meant to be.  The second time we'd been together for almost 2 years when he dumped me.  I begged & pleaded, did everything wrong.  We got back together.  It lasted about 1 month & was awful.  It was a hollow shell of what our relationship had been; there was no trust.  We walked on egg shells.  I don't recommend it. 

You two are at different life stages & this was not meant to be.  You tried.  It didn't work.  Your focus has to be school for the next 10 years:  college, med school, residency, 1st year of practice.  You don't need he distractions.  

Thank you for sharing your experience. We had talked about our future goals so many times and agreed by when our goals had to be met by. She was not entirely happy with it at the very beginning as she wanted some goals early but in the end we both came to agreement and she hasn't brought it up in a while. I took a year to work and save to meet those goals when I could've started medical school a year earlier. She never mentioned our long terms goals at the break up. It was the little things that were wrong when she spoke and that's why I thought this space would allow us to evaluate and fix those things and she mentioned she needed to make changes to herself too. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. From the sounds of it, getting back with your partner hasn't worked for you at all. Do you think if it is fixable things, that getting back would work?

Edited April 14, 2021 by Sapphire1

[d0nnivain]

3 minutes ago, Sapphire1 said:

 Do you think if it is fixable things, that getting back would work?

No. If it's fixable, you fix it before the break up.  Once you break up it's over. 

You are in medical school. Think of it this way:  when do you treat the patient's disease -- before or after they are dead?  

Edited April 14, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Sapphire1]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

No. If it's fixable, you fix it before the break up.  Once you break up it's over. 

You are in medical school. Think of it this way:  when do you treat the patient's disease -- before or after they are dead?  

I understand but if 2 people can change and are willing to work for the relationship, it can become stronger. You may say how do you know she won't do this again to you? Well I feel I will have this doubt in any relationship after this regardless of who it is.

[d0nnivain]

Do what to you again?  Bail?  

This woman is on a vastly different time table from you.  She tried a relationship with you & it didn't work to her satisfaction. You can't unilaterally change that.  

She wants to heal from you so she can move forward with a different man.  She knows your potential but has chosen to move in another direction.  

Let her go.  NC will help you heal.  

[glows]

Not to say that it's not possible, OP, and you are in the thick of things. Heartache, sadness and all that pain is still there along with the shock and denial that the three-year relationship just ended. I think you both should give yourselves some time to adjust. Give it a few months and see where you're both at later on. 

Things will be clarified in awhile. I do not recommend jumping back into any relationship so quickly after a break up (new or old). Both of you are only bouncing like yo-yos and reacting to fear, loss, withdrawal. 

Realistically, both of you aren't a good match. You have only just started med school and she can't get onboard with it or has issues already. That tells you something about how urgent her timeline is or how seriously she feels about her life, goals, whether she wants a family or to get married. 

Don't make any sudden or rash decisions right now because something major has happened - you both broke up. Get used to that fact and then see later on down the line whether you both are more on the same page. 

It also takes time to let go emotionally even though someone knows it's over. She could already be way ahead of you processing that you are dust and just the past. Emotionally, it's a different story so give yourselves both more time to let this sink in.

[CommanderCody799]

No contact. Its the only way

[Sapphire1]

Thanks for all the replies. Yes, I think my emotions are taking over and I can't see the relationship truly for what it was. I'm going to go NC and reflect and evaluate the relationship and I will keep you updated it.

Edited April 14, 2021 by Sapphire1

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Sapphire1 said:

Hi. Thanks for your reply. I meant to say I am already in medical school.

Excellent. breakups hurt but in the long run you'll see that your freedom to do what you need to do right now is important.

As a physician you'll need a special type of confident independent woman. When you get into internship, residency, fellowship etc and are working insane hours clingy women won't work for your situation.

[MsJayne]

No woman who is truly in love is going to break up with a man because he has ambitions. On the contrary,  she would support and encourage him all the way.  We all like to feel that our relationships are special, like the two of us are carved in stone, but that's not reality.  Perhaps be grateful that she does care enough to have your interests at heart, enough to be honest and enough to have not tried to trap you into a family situation before you were ready. Over the next few years you're going to meet a lot of smokin' hot medical trainees, and if I was you I'd be keeping my single status.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what happened.  I can't see that you did anything terribly wrong but maybe you ignored her needs for help in the house.

I cannot see this working as she has asked you to move out.  You do not have to talk with her if you find it upsetting, though I appreciate you are only doing so because you want to get back together with her.

She is not showing signs of wanting you back, from what you say, just talking when she is lonely or has a problem.

I would assume you are split up and decide what you want to do about moving on.  If you need the calls to stop, then tell her.  I don't think waiting around will do you any good in this situation.  If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you.  Sorry.

[Highndry]

A man should never wait around for a woman. Ever. A woman who loves and respects a man would never risk losing him. In this case she's pushing you away, yet using you for emotional support until she feels comfortable with the new one. Kick her to the curb for good and find somebody more deserving of your time.