How to Balance Work/Chores With Us Both Working Now

[LovelySong22]

Hello everyone,

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half.  He moved a long way from his home and family for us to be together so he also had to give up his job.  The job he worked before is impossible to find out here (small town, not much work in general) so had been looking for something else but with little luck.

So for about a year I worked part time then jumped at the chance to work full time.  Since I was exhausted quite often due to dealing with the covid situation at work my husband did about 80% (basically all the laundry, dishes, floors) of the household chores.  I helped with general cleaning and organizing as well as cooking though.

Well now he found a job but it’s rather exhausting outdoor work.  He’s been telling me he wants me to help with household chores more due to that, but he still works half as many days as I do and doesn’t seem to understand that my work place is always hot and fast paced. My coworkers barely do anything to the point I cry while doing cleanup some nights.  I also have chronic migraines as well as other health conditions.

I’m just trying to figure out what’s a good balance and if I’m being unreasonable still expecting him to do 60-70% of the chores on his 3-4 days off rather than me doing them on my two days.  

[basil67]

Writing as a mother who has many friends who work part time while their husbands work full time.....we all do more chores than our husbands do for the simple reason that we have more time at home.   As for your husband working a hard outdoor job, I understand that he may be too tired to do much after a full day, but on a day when he's not working, it shouldn't kill him to do a bit of domestic work.  

So yeah, your expectations are absolutely in line with what I see going on around me in families where one works part time.  

Edited April 14, 2021 by basil67

[Happy Lemming]

Have you thought about a "Chore Wheel" or "Chore Wheel App"??

[BaileyB]

Yes, that seems like a reasonable expectation to me.

[Lotsgoingon]

Have a blunt conversation about this. Avoiding this doesn't work and only makes things worse. Be kind to both of you as you both may be tired and maybe you guys aren't chore obsessives. So think about some reasonable expectations for both of you. 

[LovelySong22]

Thanks for everyone’s comments!  Well to update we were both feeling a bit resentful of each other (me towards him for not trying harder to get a job/go back to school, him towards me since I expected him to do most of the chores since he was home all the time) but his workplace worked it all out by giving him far more hours than either of us expected.  We now work pretty close to the same hours so I don’t feel anywhere near as frustrated doing more work around the house as I did.

[Crazelnut]

Wait a minute! You work roughly the same hours, but you do more of the housework? And you're okay with that?!?!  I'm flabbergasted. 

[Els]

On 4/15/2021 at 8:34 AM, LovelySong22 said:

He moved a long way from his home and family for us to be together so he also had to give up his job.  The job he worked before is impossible to find out here

I think this factor adds quite a bit of complexity to the situation, so it's not quite as cut-and-dry as a couple who started off in the same location, whereby no career sacrifice was required. While in a normal situation it's certainly reasonable to have the expectations that you do of him, in this situation it's a bit tricky.

Imagine if you quit your job, left your home and family just to be with him, and the only job you could find was hard labour (maybe a cleaner for a hotel) that involved much more physical work than your cushy job that you left behind. Would you be happy if he expected you to do 60-70% of the housework, even if you worked fewer hours than him?

A couple of different options I can think of:

• You both seemed to be doing financially okay on just your paycheck. Would you be happier with him quitting his job and doing 100% of the housework so you don't have to?
• Otherwise, what about hiring a cleaner instead with the extra cash he brings in from his job?
• If neither of the above works, what about you moving with him to a place where he CAN get a job within his field of expertise that isn't brutally exhausting, with the expectation that he should then contribute 50% of the housework while working full-time?