Meeting people for sexual release during LD marriage

[Happiesttogether]

I have been married for 5 years, in an effort to build a future for our child I took a job in another country, it was also a dream of mine to work for this company. He supports me in every way and agreed to be the sole care taker of our child, meaning he is busy 24/7 with our toddler.  We have no date on when we will see each other again(covid restrictions) so it’s difficult to work towards something which is unclear. We both have a healthy sex drive which means we crave the physical connection intensely. We decided to get tinder to just meet people to talk to.... first we agreed it’s just for companionship nothing more, due to the fact that I don’t have any restrictions to bringing someone home and he does because of our child living with him. Problem is: I have been meeting guys for the sole purposes of fulfilling a release. Just for the sex. As many of you know those lines get blurred I had the first guy catch feelings after defining the “release relationship”  and the second doesn’t but i enjoy his company, And I don’t entirely enjoy being treated like a piece. i just want the company the hanging out the going out with someone..... to be honest at this point it could be totally without sex and I’d be fine. Our friends in the respective  countries are all single or lead very different lifestyles. I’m stuck and extremely lonely all I want is to be with him again he is my soulmate I know this, but this loneliness is killing me confusing me and having me act in ways I don’t recognize.... is this normal? And how healthy is this “release” thing

Edited April 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarified title, language.

[S2B]

You are on a slippery slope. Does your husband understand you’ve had sex with other men?

why not go home and you both work full time and get care for the child? Two incomes and together is better than one income and a divorce.

your interactions with the other men are likely to lead to full relationships when it involves sex. These are not friendships.

buy a vibrator. Join groups of people for interactions that are appropriate in larger group settings.

you seem to need a professional to help with a healthy boundary... and what a safe sex drive looks like.

I hope you’re protecting yourself from std’s and pregnancy.

[Wiseman2]

Well you decided to open the relationship and now you're experiencing what a mess that becomes.

It's unfair to use people as sex toys because you chose an  impossible marital situation.

Get divorced. You're almost there anyway.

 

[d0nnivain]

You should have bought a toy not gotten a tinder app.  

[glows]

9 hours ago, Happiesttogether said:

I have been married for 5 years, in an effort to build a future for our child I took a job in another country, it was also a dream of mine to work for this company. He supports me in every way and agreed to be the sole care taker of our child, meaning he is busy 24/7 with our toddler.  We have no date on when we will see each other again(covid restrictions) so it’s difficult to work towards something which is unclear. We both have a healthy sex drive which means we crave the physical connection intensely. We decided to get tinder to just meet people to talk to.... first we agreed it’s just for companionship nothing more, due to the fact that I don’t have any restrictions to bringing someone home and he does because of our child living with him. Problem is: I have been meeting guys for the sole purposes of fulfilling a release. Just for the sex. As many of you know those lines get blurred I had the first guy catch feelings after defining the “release relationship”  and the second doesn’t but i enjoy his company, And I don’t entirely enjoy being treated like a piece. i just want the company the hanging out the going out with someone..... to be honest at this point it could be totally without sex and I’d be fine. Our friends in the respective  countries are all single or lead very different lifestyles. I’m stuck and extremely lonely all I want is to be with him again he is my soulmate I know this, but this loneliness is killing me confusing me and having me act in ways I don’t recognize.... is this normal? And how healthy is this “release” thing

This sounds unbelievably painful. Is there no way for both of you to live in the same country? And what about later down the line after establishing yourself at this company? Do they have an office in your original country so that you can be with your family again?

If both of you are seeing other people, the only issue is the ongoing loneliness. I'd suggest letting go of these unfulfilling relationships on the side and companionships if they're not giving you what you seek. I hope you realize it is perfectly ok to go out and cultivate new experiences on your own, without the need for a date or a partner. I had to deal with that loneliness after separation/divorce and get really comfortable with myself, my thoughts and being on my own after living with someone in a marriage. You, on the other hand, still share all those dreams with your husband and the idea of growing old with him and raising your child together.

Why not take a breather and collect yourself. Think about things for a few days and talk with your husband about re-considering seeing others in your marriage. 

 

[Happiesttogether]

In honesty not at this moment we are looking at a minimum of a year so perhaps till early next year when we can travel out to see each other. It’s painful on level which hit me at different stages because I will be missing my sons 4th birthday and anniversaries. Work and visa issues make it impossible to leave or for me to go back. He is not seeing anyone, I am, but as I mentioned it’s unfulfilling as I only want him.  frustration gets the best of me I have a history of having no emotional attachment to sex, it’s almost as if my entire heart is there with them and I’m just here physically.  
 

I will take that breather and recollect myself  this interaction with this one guy is purely sitting on the couch and chatting because covid and working from home means I’m literally alone 24/7 not even a puppy( my apartment doesn’t allow it) time zones mean they are asleep while I’m awake but I stay up and schedule chats with my guys religiously 

[glows]

12 minutes ago, Happiesttogether said:

In honesty not at this moment we are looking at a minimum of a year so perhaps till early next year when we can travel out to see each other. It’s painful on level which hit me at different stages because I will be missing my sons 4th birthday and anniversaries. Work and visa issues make it impossible to leave or for me to go back. He is not seeing anyone, I am, but as I mentioned it’s unfulfilling as I only want him.  frustration gets the best of me I have a history of having no emotional attachment to sex, it’s almost as if my entire heart is there with them and I’m just here physically.  
 

I will take that breather and recollect myself  this interaction with this one guy is purely sitting on the couch and chatting because covid and working from home means I’m literally alone 24/7 not even a puppy( my apartment doesn’t allow it) time zones mean they are asleep while I’m awake but I stay up and schedule chats with my guys religiously 

I do relate but in a different way. Do take that breather. Journal, write, go out for walks. I knew for a time that latching onto anyone wouldn't bring me any peace. It's a bandaid for a third degree burn. You're in love with your husband and your family back home but craving interaction with others. Find comfort in the fact that you do have a family back home and people you can go home to if this job doesn't work out. I'd rethink what this job means to you, make it a means to an end and achieve what you need to achieve but have a bigger picture planned for yourself and your family. 

Right now you have the idea that the addition of people or things will help take that loneliness away. The reality is that the loneliness is not something anyone can help you with. Take a time out. It may feel like you're drowning at first but you'll learn to swim and even flourish later on if you give yourself the chance. 

 

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, Happiesttogether said:

We decided to get tinder to just meet people to talk to....

Because that’s the reason why people join tinder... to find someone with whom they can talk.

 

11 hours ago, Happiesttogether said:

And how healthy is this “release” thing

 

11 hours ago, Happiesttogether said:

I’m stuck and extremely lonely all I want is to be with him again he is my soulmate

I would say not very healthy at all. It doesn’t seem to be meeting your needs.

I too would have bought a sex toy and/or had some phone sex with my husband.

Unfortunately, what seemed like a simple solution at the time has now created more problems... I will never understand how some people think that the answer to a problem in a relationship is to invite more people to join. It seems to me that you have taken an already complicated situation and made it more complicated. 

As much as you have said this is about sexual release, it’s not. No strings attached sex does not even begin to heal loneliness. 

Being long distance puts significant stress on a relationship. Honestly, if I wanted to keep my marriage I would be looking for opportunities to move home. It’s not possible to have it all. I can’t actually imagine being away from my child for that long! Of course, when you move home you then have to deal with so many things and that and may well be a more challenging than solving the problem with geography. 

Edited April 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[Happiesttogether]

4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You should have bought a toy not gotten a tinder app.  

Have about 4, they have lost their effect 

[S2B]

So you’re alone - and lonely... 

when I am in that position I get busy with art projects - I journal to learn more about how to be happy on my own...without depending on anyone else to provide that for me.

artistic outlet can help a bunch. 
 

im sure if your husband really knew what you were doing with other men the marriage would be in more trouble.

how honest have you been with your husband?

[Happiesttogether]

He knows not names or anything just the action

[ShyViolet]

You should have quit this job and gone home.

[Happiesttogether]

even if I quit there are no flights and no entry visa allowed for me to go back or them to come here

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Happiesttogether said:

even if I quit there are no flights and no entry visa allowed for me to go back or them to come here

That’s sad. 

Unfortunately, you had poor timing to go and work abroad. Who could have known. There are many people in the same situation. 

I would still be trying to get home as soon as possible. It is the best solution, it would be the only solution for me. 

Edited April 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[MsJayne]

Perhaps speak to a mental health professional about self control, boundaries, respect for partners, respect for the marital contract, and, most of all, consideration for the future of a child who should be much more important than achieving orgasms with strangers. Sorry if that sounds judgy, but there's a healthy sex drive, and an unhealthy sex drive, and I think you have them confused and are making excuses for it. 

[S2B]

Why can’t your husband also work? 
if he brought in money - you could go back home and work there - even if it’s less money.

 

[Mrin]

Two thoughts:

1. There are some really good remote toys when you two can control each other's devices. I know...  Not the same thing but better than a non-connected device. 

2. Open relationships are hella complicated and fraught with danger. That being said, they can also be really awesome - from what I hear. However, what you guys have done to date is basically blundered into this situation with very little forethought or communication and zero support. I'm not blaming you - lots of couples are struggling with the realities of this unusual situation we found ourselves in. All I'm saying is that if you go this route - and given your sex drive and the realities around your situation you will probably continue to have these "release" meetups - you should really do this with a great deal more information and guidance than what you are doing right now. My guess is that if you continue on like you are now, you won't have a marriage to reunite when this is all over. 

So... My recommendation would be to seek guidance elsewhere about how to successfully navigate this sort of thing. LS has a few members are you into long term open relationships but my guess is that there are whole other communities out there on the internet focused on navigating situations like this. I don't know them off the top of my head but recommend looking for them and participating. 

Best of luck!

Mrin

[chillii]

You say h is your soul mate yet you seek company and physical of other men ahh , that doesn't even come close to fitting soul mate. Sorry but l'd divorce you yesterday. We all get lonely and have to go without sometimes, so what , you turn to ea other not other people , in any real thing it just makes reuniting all the sweeter .

Edited April 20, 2021 by chillii

[chillii]

ps , why did  you even get married and have a child if it was all just gonna be about you let alone leave your family and child and move to the other side of the country.

[HappilyMarried]

I think you have put yourself in a terrible situation @Happiesttogetherby your choices. It looks like your husband is able to save himself for you only. Has he met anyone and had sex? You said he knows, but does he know that you have been with multiple guys and by reading your OP I think you have been with them a number of times. If so do you let him know every time you meet these guys and have sex? Also, you try and say that you would be happy with just meeting these guys and talking and hanging out together correct? I don't think that is true. Why? If that is all you truly wanted, that is all that would happen. You have to be bringing these guys back to your place and having sex, going to theirs, or at a hotel. Be honest with us on here you are wanting to have sex with these guys, quit acting like you don't. If you really did not you would not. I can't understand when you say he is your true "Soulmate" but you can go out and have sex with multiple guys while your husband who seems to be staying faithful and carrying for your child and raising it by himself. All the while you are going around acting like you are single and living it up. Do you not have any guilt? I feel sorry for your husband.

If I am wrong and he has had sex with other women as well (but I think if he had you would have said that) then I guess there is no problem looks like you are having a open marriage. I would guess your husband is not happy with your choices deep down. It also based on you OP that it was agreed to go on Tinder just to meet people to talk and nothing else. One last question did you change it to start seeing people? Did you just do it first then tell him? I am sorry to sound so harsh but it just seems like to me that you wanted this from the start. I also think that you knew and planned to do more than just talk to people online and used this plan to justify it in your mind that you were getting your husband's permission, and knew what you wanted the whole time. I just think that you are treating your so called "Soulmate" pretty S****y. I think you should call your husband and say you don't what to do this to your marriage any longer or just file for divorce and continue to live your life the way you want. Best of luck!

[HappilyMarried]

Any updates @Happiesttogether? Have you shared any more information with your husband? You said he knew action but nothing else. Have you told him even how many times you have cheated on him? Hopefully you have come to your senses and most travel restrictions world wide except India have been eased or lifted maybe you have been able to go back home and hopefully repair your marriage or if you still can not get back to your family hopefully you have stopped your adultery.

On 4/15/2021 at 1:59 AM, Happiesttogether said:

I just want the company the hanging out the going out with someone.....to be honest at this point it could be totally without sex and I’d be fine

If this statement from your OP is true why can't you have a female friend to just share if you are so lonely.

Also, in your OP you said "We decided to get tinder to just meet people to talk to.... first we agreed it’s just for companionship nothing more." You told someone above that he only knew the action not any names or what you are doing with these men. So my question is are you saying he thinks you are just going our with some men for dinner, drinks, and companionship? Looking forward and hoping you will come back and answer some of these questions.

[Calmandfocused]

You know it’s best to work for the company of your dreams BEFORE you marry and have children. 
 

Im struggling to wrap my head around how or why you would leave your infant child for a job. How you would prioritise your hopes and dreams over your infant child!!! 
 

You sound like a very selfish person and I’m struggling to empathise with you. 
 

Realise that I’m holding back from saying what I really think due to mods. 
 

However I will say that I think your husband and child deserve better. You should carry on pleasing yourself as clearly you will anyway,