Mismatch in Sex Drive?

[ekaterina]

Hello,

When I have sex with my husband, he ejaculates in 5 mins. But he has no desire to have sex. He is just 29 yo. No drugs, no alcohol, no stress, but still 1-2 times in a month is more than enough for him, when daily sex is a MUST for me. We got married just 3 months ago, and never had frequent sex before marriage. Our lives were pretty busy and we managed to stay together exactly 1-2 times a month so I would never see it coming.

He gets boner every time I kiss or touch him, but he stops me. I do not want to force him to do anything or stress him so I just sit and wait. But I really don’t like the way I feel, "restricted". He says that he prefers to hug me, watch movies together, take a walk and that’s totally ok but once or twice a month is not normal for a 24 yo girl who is fallen in love so mad and want to share all the feelings and emotions even in sex.

Another thing, before, all the partners I had were amazed with my body and sex skills. So it’s kind of advantage for me that somehow was making me feel confident. But now when I cannot be sexually active with him, i feel really weird. Imagine, being the best chief in the world and someone not letting you cook for him.

I do not want to end marriage because besides sex, I feel really good with him. 

Is there any solution? Shall he visit a doctor? But he maybe he won’t see the need of a doctor, he feels it’s absolutely normal. But still, please give me advice.

[Keridan]

Have you asked him directly? Has he given a reason?

The fact that he gets an erection and stops you actually makes me think that he is shy about something. Maybe insecure. Maybe it's about finishing quickly or maybe he doesn't understand your needs.

You need to know more about what's bothering him to fix it.

[ekaterina]

1 hour ago, Keridan said:

Have you asked him directly? Has he given a reason?

The fact that he gets an erection and stops you actually makes me think that he is shy about something. Maybe insecure. Maybe it's about finishing quickly or maybe he doesn't understand your needs.

You need to know more about what's bothering him to fix it.

Yes, I've tried to talk to him several times, until he accused me for stressing him, so I stopped asking and offering something in the bedroom.

He strongly believes that sex is not a priority and prefers cuddles and hugs instead. Most of the times does not let me kiss him even a bit passionately because "it makes him horny". I am not pretty sure about the shy thing. He told me he don’t want just f*** and get pleasure that he want to enjoy time with me hugging. But when we have sex, its 5 mins rough one and then He directly goes to sleep.

I am really confused, In the beginning I thought that he was stress because of a new environment, it was our first time living with another person, so Its totally legible. Then it was "I am tired" phase. But now, that we really get along pretty well to each other (living), he finished his project and has a lot of free time. Still he tells me he is tired. But I am the really tired one right now. Working overtimes, 60-70 hours a week, doing finances and accounting, going back to home and doing most of household chores. But still in the end of the day I would love to share my passion to my husband.

So I do not really understand the arguments. Would you think its testosterone thing? in the first week we had sex 2-3 times a day, but now twice a month. I am confused 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ekaterina said:

. We got married just 3 months ago, and never had frequent sex before marriage.

Is this an arranged marriage? Why did you marry someone this sexually incompatible?

You've been married 12 weeks. Talk to an attorney about getting an annulment.

Unfortunately it seems like there's another woman (or man) behind the scenes.

Edited April 15, 2021 by Wiseman2

[ekaterina]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this an arranged marriage? Why did you marry someone this sexually incompatible?

You've been married 12 weeks. Talk to an attorney about getting an annulment.

Unfortunately it seems like there's another woman (or man) behind the scenes.

I am living in a country, where nonmarital sexual activities are not accepted for the society + I do have very traditional and strict parents + our lives were really busy. So we managed to stay together just 1-2 times a month together. I would never see it coming. 

I know his colleagues, his friends, We spend most of our times together so I have no clue about third person in a relationship.

[ekaterina]

Is there a chance that he is asexual?

[ExpatInItaly]

How long did you date before you got married?

[ekaterina]

32 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How long did you date before you got married?

around 6 months

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, ekaterina said:

around 6 months

So you only had 6-12 dates before you got married, then?

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, ekaterina said:

Shall he visit a doctor? But he maybe he won’t see the need of a doctor, he feels it’s absolutely normal.

It’s not a performance issue. 

He has a low sex drive. That is normal for many people. 

Unless there is a medical reason for his low sex drive (ie. depression as one example), I don’t know that a physician will help. 

Unfortunately, you are not sexually compatible. It sounds like that, to you, makes you not compatible, period. 

You may find yourself with a decision to make. This is who he is - you can’t really expect him to change who he is long term. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, ekaterina said:

Yes, I've tried to talk to him several times, until he accused me for stressing him, so I stopped asking and offering something in the bedroom.

He strongly believes that sex is not a priority and prefers cuddles and hugs instead. Most of the times does not let me kiss him even a bit passionately because "it makes him horny". I am not pretty sure about the shy thing. He told me he don’t want just f*** and get pleasure that he want to enjoy time with me hugging. But when we have sex, its 5 mins rough one and then He directly goes to sleep.

I am really confused, 

The way he shuts you down in the conversation or accuses (?) you of stressing him and gives mixed messages about getting horny but preferring hugs and cuddles is contradictory. What's the matter with just ***cking anyway? I say this sensing he has some prejudice against it or mental block. He may not want to offend you about something else also related to your bodies or the way you both do certain things. 

When you talk about this with him I would not mention sex or how many times you are not getting it. I'd talk more about the belief that sex is a form of bonding (if you see it that way) and sharing intimately with your partner. Let him know what you enjoy - more foreplay or time with each other etc. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ekaterina said:

Most of the times does not let me kiss him even a bit passionately because "it makes him horny". when we have sex, its 5 mins rough one and then He directly goes to sleep.

He's not asexual nor suffering from low libido. He's just a bad lover.

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, he gets a boner every time you kiss or touch him, but then he STOPS?! 

Well dang.

I don't think this is a medical issue. Seems more likely that he has some deeper psychological blocks or fears about sex.  You OUGHT to take this problem seriously because really it could get to the very emotional heart of your relationship. 

So you got two issues and you want to frame them precisely to figure out what to do.

Sex frequency is one issue.

But the other issue seems bigger and more confusing. Getting aroused and then shutting himself down. And then ejaculating in five minutes and being unaware of how unsatisfying that is for a partner--and frankly for himself. (He's missing out on the wonder of extended, connected sex with a love partner. So forget exploring with this guy--that ain't gonna happen). And he doesn't really make you feel good about your body or your sexuality. 

Sex frequency isn't necessarily sign of deep trouble--you can negotiate this. But other issues are serious, to me, because the problem is distance and inability to really connect with you. I say you need to be really curious as you go through the rest of this year with your marriage. Be really curious about his emotional makeup. This distance possibly shows up in other areas of the relationship.

Be really really curious. Listen carefully and observe him. Off the top of my head (and I'm sorry to say this) to me he's acting like someone who has abuse issues, maybe sexual abuse issues, that throw him emotionally out of balance. So he's going through the motions with sex and doing the bare minimum to "look" like he's "normal." But in reality, he's deeply uncomfortable with sex. And there is some reason behind that. That's not just some random thing. There have to have been some other signs of his discomfort with sex even before marriage. Let yourself think and call up the past. 

You don't have to resolve this now, but don't pretend this is not a serious issue. It is--because of his emotional distance, not because of sex frequency or infrequency. In other words, this is NOT a mismatch in sex drive, it seems to me. It's deeper than that. Keep your eyes open during this first year. 

 

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, ekaterina said:

I do not want to end marriage because besides sex, I feel really good with him. 

Is there any solution? Shall he visit a doctor? But he maybe he won’t see the need of a doctor, he feels it’s absolutely normal. But still, please give me advice.

I agree with others that you're essentially sexually incompatible.

You could TRY to sensitively bring this up and "work on him" gradually to see if he can change some things to better please you.

You could consider  a sex therapist if he is willing to do that. I'd suggest considering that if the above doesn't work.

Don't say "it's bad," say "I'd like more of X", etc and/or make occasional suggestions. Try to be extremely "diplomatic" as the notion he's not performing well might make things even worse.

I'd say there's a 50/50 chance of being able to improve this (gradually) with subtle and sensitive but concerted effort. That may be worth trying given the limited alternatives (particularly in your country it sounds like).

[Caauug]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Wow, he gets a boner every time you kiss or touch him, but then he STOPS?! 

I agree, nothing wrong physically. I also agree there are two problems, frequency and duration. As frequency is only a couple of times a month, that could effect duration? Or is his duration bothering him mentally so he's backing off on frequency? Go with the first one but don't push him making it the second one, unless it is already there. IMO duration will improve when frequency improves.

Frequency: religious, cultural, or some strange thing he idea he was taught as a kid? Psychological damage at some point.

13 hours ago, ekaterina said:

in the first week we had sex 2-3 times a day, but now twice a month.

Maybe that psychological damage happened in more recent times. Why would his view on frequency change? Unless he was shamed because of duration? How is his self esteem? How does he view himself as a man? 

He may need to seek professional counselling, sooner than later....

[Lotsgoingon]

Definitely these behaviors suggest some serious psychological (likely sexual) trauma on his part or some deep shame about sex. 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/15/2021 at 4:29 AM, ekaterina said:

 I have sex with my husband, he ejaculates in 5 mins. But he has no desire to have sex. He is just 29 yo.  We got married just 3 months ago

 It's unclear . Could you clarify if this is the same man?: 

 

[ekaterina]

On 4/16/2021 at 9:35 PM, Wiseman2 said:

 It's unclear . Could you clarify if this is the same man?: 

 

No, This post is about my friend who asked me to write for her.

[Fletch Lives]

I would say that's a deal breaker. That's what annulment and divorce is for.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ekaterina said:

No, This post is about my friend who asked me to write for her.

To clarify, which topic is for the friend?

[pepperbird2]

Not sure if this will help or not, but I hope it does.

It sounds to me like there are some issues at play you may not be aware of. I would offer to take him out for dinner to a quiet eatery ( unless you live where covid is keeping places closed) and talk through all this. Get his input.

It's possible he is asexual. My older daughter is, (she's 23) and asexual doesn't mean you have no sexual reaction. After all, arousal is merely a physical reaction that really means very little. She was never abused, never molested or sexually assaulted. She loves romance and all that, but sex? No.

Another thought-is it possible he keeps the frequency so low because he is embarrassed he's finished so quickly?

You'll never know unless you talk it out with him. The reason I suggested a public place to do so is it will help to keep the conversation from getting out of hand. If he is happy with the way he is and sees no issues, you may have some tough choices to make. If he is, please don't advise him to see a doctor or therapist on his own. He's not "broken". Couples therapy may be useful and help you both find a way to make your marriage work that satisfies both of you.

Better to figure all this out before more time goes by.