Learn from my mistakes

[Alexsash]

First time poster  so 👋👋

As the title suggests here it goes also typing on mobile so formatting will be off 

I'm 37 male people say I'm attractive never really had issue getting sex or what i wanted in life. I was married at 27 three years later we had amazing little boy. I started a new senior role at major multi national company. As time passed, I noticed a woman with beautiful brown hair olive skin hazel eyes constantly looking at me. I was running late to a meeting waiting for a lift and she approached me and said hey not sure if you noticed I'm not laughing you I'm just smiling. I paid not attention to her and said no problem I'm.runnung late I need to go. 

The company started renovating our offices and we all.moved.to a common area. I used to get in early she approached again and said hey can I sit next to.you ( this is where my life is turned upside down) I said sure take a seat. 

For the next 2 months we sat next to eachother talked laughed she was married. Christmas was approaching and she was going on holidays with her husband. I get a call a couple days later saying i'm back I wanted to come back early to see you  I'm.out the front of the office come outside I'm in the car waiting. We drove to park she looks at me and say please kiss me so I did that's when it hit me the kiss incredible we started a full blown affair we were deeply in love we had a fake wedding ceremony with cake ffs her sister worked at the company I would have lunch with both of them.

 

The sex was full of chemistry passion intensity. She would book hotels using her credit card not caring if she got caught she once told me she wished her husband would die so we could be together.  A year she was pregnant with her husband and I was devastated so I cut her off completely got a new job and left the company she wrote me letters on how I hurt her and how she doesn't want to hate me anymore truth be told I couldn't see her pregnant with someone else's child and not be mine. 

In the end I left my wife I lost everything my home money and more. I've been single for a year now been on a ton dates had a couple.of.mini relationships and no one compairs to her my life is in ruins . We did speak about 3 months ago she stalks my instagram linkedin even my Spotify account she's listening to the same music

 

im here dreaming of the day that will never come I need to move on and trying so hard while  she's at home playing happy families and moved on with her life 

Point of the story is adultery is not worth the heartbreak it's all fun and games at the beginning but it always ends in tears.

 

Thanks for reading 

 

[pepperbird2]

Genlty,

the ones who were hurt the most by this aren't you and your OW. It's your spouses, kids, etc.

[NYAG]

3 hours ago, Alexsash said:

First time poster  so 👋👋

As the title suggests here it goes also typing on mobile so formatting will be off 

I'm 37 male people say I'm attractive never really had issue getting sex or what i wanted in life. I was married at 27 three years later we had amazing little boy. I started a new senior role at major multi national company. As time passed, I noticed a woman with beautiful brown hair olive skin hazel eyes constantly looking at me. I was running late to a meeting waiting for a lift and she approached me and said hey not sure if you noticed I'm not laughing you I'm just smiling. I paid not attention to her and said no problem I'm.runnung late I need to go. 

The company started renovating our offices and we all.moved.to a common area. I used to get in early she approached again and said hey can I sit next to.you ( this is where my life is turned upside down) I said sure take a seat. 

For the next 2 months we sat next to eachother talked laughed she was married. Christmas was approaching and she was going on holidays with her husband. I get a call a couple days later saying i'm back I wanted to come back early to see you  I'm.out the front of the office come outside I'm in the car waiting. We drove to park she looks at me and say please kiss me so I did that's when it hit me the kiss incredible we started a full blown affair we were deeply in love we had a fake wedding ceremony with cake ffs her sister worked at the company I would have lunch with both of them.

 

The sex was full of chemistry passion intensity. She would book hotels using her credit card not caring if she got caught she once told me she wished her husband would die so we could be together.  A year she was pregnant with her husband and I was devastated so I cut her off completely got a new job and left the company she wrote me letters on how I hurt her and how she doesn't want to hate me anymore truth be told I couldn't see her pregnant with someone else's child and not be mine. 

In the end I left my wife I lost everything my home money and more. I've been single for a year now been on a ton dates had a couple.of.mini relationships and no one compairs to her my life is in ruins . We did speak about 3 months ago she stalks my instagram linkedin even my Spotify account she's listening to the same music

 

im here dreaming of the day that will never come I need to move on and trying so hard while  she's at home playing happy families and moved on with her life 

Point of the story is adultery is not worth the heartbreak it's all fun and games at the beginning but it always ends in tears.

 

Thanks for reading 

 

Of course, a situation is a situation, and when you're in the middle of it, it's easy to make bad choices. Hindsight is beautiful but in the moment things happen. It sounds like she got her hooks into you and decided she was going to win, and you were blinded by her attention. Normally it's the other way round and it's the MM blinding the OW, so this is an interesting take. Thank you for sharing.

[Stupidkupid]

6 hours ago, Alexsash said:

...she once told me she wished her husband would die so we could be together.  A year she was pregnant with her husband and I was devastated so I cut her off completely got a new job and left the company she wrote me letters on how I hurt her and how she doesn't want to hate me anymore truth be told I couldn't see her pregnant with someone else's child and not be mine. 

In the end I left my wife I lost everything my home money and more. I've been single for a year now been on a ton dates had a couple.of.mini relationships and no one compairs to her my life is in ruins . We did speak about 3 months ago she stalks my instagram linkedin even my Spotify account she's listening to the same music

 

im here dreaming of the day that will never come I need to move on and trying so hard while  she's at home playing happy families and moved on with her life 

Point of the story is adultery is not worth the heartbreak it's all fun and games at the beginning but it always ends in tears.

 

Thanks for reading 

 

Bit in bold didn't put you off?

I was an OW and I kind of wish he'd said this to me as it would have really turned me around much sooner than I did!

In respect of what you lost, thing to remember (and it's tough) but your wife or ex wife feels she lost much more, potentially her trust in men completely on top of everything else. I'm not judging you, as I said above, I didn't exactly behave like model partner or human... and it's quite easy to feel discarded and, to an extend, that's understandable. But you said your wife and life was... really special with a special little boy. I can't get my head around your decision.

I see you were both married in this, to other people, so you need to get some therapy or something and find a way (as difficult as it is) to stop caring if she is looking at your social media. In fact, block her. You're clearly hurt and this isn't helping.

 

[glows]

It's time to cut off contact with this woman completely if you're truly looking forward to moving on. 

[Snakesalive]

4 hours ago, NYAG said:

In the end I left my wife I l

I’m sorry for your hurt -there are no winners in affairs just survivors as you’ve found out. Is there any way back for you and your wife -did you feel the marriage was good before the affair? 

[Alexsash]

9 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

Genlty,

the ones who were hurt the most by this aren't you and your OW. It's your spouses, kids, etc.

Completely agree!!! My boy  now 6 and I  have a amazing relationship his my boy my little mate I truly love my son . I apologised for leaving he looked at me said I love you dad we are partners forever. I see him almost every day I wanted to make sure nothing changed except only I didn't sleep in the same house. I lost my father to an accident when I was my sons age and know the pain. So far so good my son has adjusted his smart funny intelligent cheeky he know is mum and dad love him

[Alexsash]

6 hours ago, Stupidkupid said:

Bit in bold didn't put you off?

I was an OW and I kind of wish he'd said this to me as it would have really turned me around much sooner than I did!

In respect of what you lost, thing to remember (and it's tough) but your wife or ex wife feels she lost much more, potentially her trust in men completely on top of everything else. I'm not judging you, as I said above, I didn't exactly behave like model partner or human... and it's quite easy to feel discarded and, to an extend, that's understandable. But you said your wife and life was... really special with a special little boy. I can't get my head around your decision.

I see you were both married in this, to other people, so you need to get some therapy or something and find a way (as difficult as it is) to stop caring if she is looking at your social media. In fact, block her. You're clearly hurt and this isn't helping.

 

Not at all I found it endearing. During our affair we shared alot about our personal lives. She would send me photos ect and added me on FB . Looking at her husband his 35 but looked like 47 overweight losing hair bad skin. Your real how do I say just common basic guy. Then I look at my self I'm 6.1 dark features  black hair hazel eyes dimples I train and was amature body builder I'm more intelligent I'm obsessed with looking good I get botox love to dress very well ect he doesn't compare to me.. I know the last statement make me looks superficial and vain but not meant to all I'm saying is we polar opposites. 

 

to me she is beautiful why would she be someone like him last time we had sex she cried and said  I just want to wake up next to every morning I want to take care of you.

 

My ex wife an I never really go along we didn't love eachother it was marriage of convenience we are good it's taken a year but she's moved on I had no issues leaving her I still don't feel any loss or grief. 

[Alexsash]

6 hours ago, glows said:

It's time to cut off contact with this woman completely if you're truly looking forward to moving on. 

I did and still trying she added me on linkedin a few weeks ago. I was actually seeing another women I had instagram on public for a short period because I entered in a competition. I had tagged the women I was seeing and they way the instagram algorithm works people who searched for you would come up as recommended friend. The women i was seeing said to why does this chick keep coming up on my recommended feed I was shocked it was her. 

Last time we spoke i got the sense her life was boring she doesn't go anywhere or do anything she has newborn. Where as I have had a new lease of life freedom that I haven't experienced since i was in my teens and early 20's.  

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Alexsash said:

I did and still trying she added me on linkedin a few weeks ago. I was actually seeing another women I had instagram on public for a short period because I entered in a competition. I had tagged the women I was seeing and they way the instagram algorithm works people who searched for you would come up as recommended friend. The women i was seeing said to why does this chick keep coming up on my recommended feed I was shocked it was her. 

Last time we spoke i got the sense her life was boring she doesn't go anywhere or do anything she has newborn. Where as I have had a new lease of life freedom that I haven't experienced since i was in my teens and early 20's.  

She is worse than a bad rash. Block, delete, whatever you have to do she needs to stay out of your life if you are interested in moving on. You have to believe you deserve better than this. Instagram competitions are no excuse. 

[mark clemson]

47 minutes ago, Alexsash said:

 Then I look at my self I'm 6.1 dark features  black hair hazel eyes dimples I train and was amature body builder I'm more intelligent I'm obsessed with looking good I get botox love to dress very well ect he doesn't compare to me.. I know the last statement make me looks superficial and vain but not meant to all I'm saying is we polar opposites. 

to me she is beautiful why would she be someone like him last time we had sex she cried and said  I just want to wake up next to every morning I want to take care of yo

It's useless to compare yourself to others. Right now she wants a father for her son, so that will keep her put almost certainly.

However, if you are good looking and also have a decent job and good social skills you should have little trouble moving on once you stop pining over her. No one compares to her only because affairs are "exciting" and perhaps you developed limerence for her. It's actually not particularly reasonable to compare a normal, healthy relationship to a "push/pull" dysfunctional one, because the 2nd type "plays tricks on" your brain chemistry, similar to what is sometimes called "hot/cold emotional manipulation".

It might be easier said than done right now, but suggest you be glad you're a man who'd unlikely to have much trouble with women, get over her/recognize and come to grips with why this isn't going to change as soon as is reasonably possible, and get on with the business of finding a really good woman to have a normal relationship with.

You can't always get what you want. It's really that simple.

[Lotsgoingon]

The potential lesson here goes much deeper than "don't have an affair." I mean, I'm ok with that lesson. But dude, you want to go a step before the step: what was going on in your life such that you were so hungry for this affair? And why prevented you from noticing her interest and throwing up a wall? 

The crucial steps in avoiding the affair are quite early on. By the time you're kissing, you're very late in the game. The game starts as soon as you guys started sitting together frequently at work. You have to MONITOR those conversations, you have to run an energy check (checking for the level of flirtation) and to withhold, go a bit cold, throw up some distance, not show up for some lunches and so on. That's where you lost the game. 

I would say then the question you want to ask yourself to truly learn something from this experience is what blocked you from avoiding lunch everyday? How did you get sucked into that? Meeting with someone everyday is a disaster when you pick up even a HINT of flirting energy from another person. Disaster to eat with them everyday. Disaster to laugh with them everyday. Disaster to smile at them everyday. Disaster to get into an expectation that you should talk everyday. 

And of course disaster to allow her in a car with you. Utter disaster. Only allow if flirtation energy is  at zero. 

Now what I'm sharing is hard. And unfortunately many folks only learn this through the pain of an affair and a blowup. But any time you're feeling REALLY flirtatiously good with someone who is not your spouse, alarm bells need to be going off. 

Just today I had a weekly meeting with a colleague (a woman) who I am close to. We laugh, we tell jokes, share funny stories and it's completely NOT flirtatious. I get a friend high of talking to her, nothing more. (The friend high is pretty dang good.) We hug in person very platonically ... at the end of a meeting ... she talks about her husband and what's going on with him. I talk about women I'm pursuing or dating history. What I'm saying is that what you got into was WAY more intense--and you have to catch that. 

Not meant as hostile criticism. 

[Alexsash]

18 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

It's useless to compare yourself to others. Right now she wants a father for her son, so that will keep her put almost certainly.

However, if you are good looking and also have a decent job and good social skills you should have little trouble moving on once you stop pining over her. No one compares to her only because affairs are "exciting" and perhaps you developed limerence for her. It's actually not particularly reasonable to compare a normal, healthy relationship to a "push/pull" dysfunctional one, because the 2nd type "plays tricks on" your brain chemistry, similar to what is sometimes called "hot/cold emotional manipulation".

It might be easier said than done right now, but suggest you be glad you're a man who'd unlikely to have much trouble with women, get over her/recognize and come to grips with why this isn't going to change as soon as is reasonably possible, and get on with the business of finding a really good woman to have a normal relationship with.

You can't always get what you want. It's really that simple.

Sound advice there Mark. I would like nothing more then to move on. In hindsight i was seeing really cool women a couple of months ago which I didn't really pay much attention to and let it fall by the way side. 

I need to stop overthinking our conversations and meanings behind them. I feel my intuition is telling me she needs saving and our previous conversations suggest she's not happy and I was right all along. That doesn't do me any good knowing what I suspected  was actually true. There is huge resemblance between my old marriage and hers that give me false hope they will end up divorcing is this delusion? YES, I need to stop checking in and making sure she's OK because it's determental to me. 

 

[Alexsash]

35 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The potential lesson here goes much deeper than "don't have an affair." I mean, I'm ok with that lesson. But dude, you want to go a step before the step: what was going on in your life such that you were so hungry for this affair? And why prevented you from noticing her interest and throwing up a wall? 

The crucial steps in avoiding the affair are quite early on. By the time you're kissing, you're very late in the game. The game starts as soon as you guys started sitting together frequently at work. You have to MONITOR those conversations, you have to run an energy check (checking for the level of flirtation) and to withhold, go a bit cold, throw up some distance, not show up for some lunches and so on. That's where you lost the game. 

I would say then the question you want to ask yourself to truly learn something from this experience is what blocked you from avoiding lunch everyday? How did you get sucked into that? Meeting with someone everyday is a disaster when you pick up even a HINT of flirting energy from another person. Disaster to eat with them everyday. Disaster to laugh with them everyday. Disaster to smile at them everyday. Disaster to get into an expectation that you should talk everyday. 

And of course disaster to allow her in a car with you. Utter disaster. Only allow if flirtation energy is  at zero. 

Now what I'm sharing is hard. And unfortunately many folks only learn this through the pain of an affair and a blowup. But any time you're feeling REALLY flirtatiously good with someone who is not your spouse, alarm bells need to be going off. 

Just today I had a weekly meeting with a colleague (a woman) who I am close to. We laugh, we tell jokes, share funny stories and it's completely NOT flirtatious. I get a friend high of talking to her, nothing more. (The friend high is pretty dang good.) We hug in person very platonically ... at the end of a meeting ... she talks about her husband and what's going on with him. I talk about women I'm pursuing or dating history. What I'm saying is that what you got into was WAY more intense--and you have to catch that. 

Not meant as hostile criticism. 

No offence taken whatsoever and you're right..

My marriage was full of arguments disrespect I felt like i was a walking bank account zero affection no regard for one another it was toxic. I hated sleeping in the same bed as her I hated having sex with her and once my son was born she moved out of the bedroom and slept in another room. So of course there were factors why I cheated I felt unappreciated. I would cook for myself iron my shirts ect with no help.from her it's what am I'm doing now and I'm single. My exwife is a entitled brat 

My AP was the opposite she loved me took care of me she was beautiful. I would've done anything for her and vice versa we would talk message for all day every  day.

[MsJayne]

If she was so in love with you she wouldn't have gone ahead and got pregnant to her husband. She loved the adulation and the fantasy of pretend perfect love, and still does, but if hubby's wealthy she'll be there 'til the money runs out. That would be why she wished death on him, divorce would mean a loss of lifestyle or material possessions. The idea of you pining away for her gives her a huge kick, as does cuckolding the unfortunate man married to her.  You have had an encounter with a narcissist, and it has trashed your life. []

Edited April 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic

[Alexsash]

15 hours ago, MsJayne said:

If she was so in love with you she wouldn't have gone ahead and got pregnant to her husband. She loved the adulation and the fantasy of pretend perfect love, and still does, but if hubby's wealthy she'll be there 'til the money runs out. That would be why she wished death on him, divorce would mean a loss of lifestyle or material possessions. The idea of you pining away for her gives her a huge kick, as does cuckolding the unfortunate man married to her.  You have had an encounter with a narcissist, and it has trashed your life. []

I have a friend who's a psychologist and said the same thing to me only yesterday. I grew up without a father and it always my sister and mum my mother is gentle soul never did anything to hurt anyone in her life I had a view of women be that similarl to my mother gentle weak vulnerable and need protecting and I was always there to protect. But come out of all this with a different view and realised some women are manipulating,cunning and viscous and happy to destroy your life. This goes for my former AP you're right I certainly had those rose coloured glasses on. There was a stage I hoped her husband would find out I wanted her to feel the hurt I had felt 

Edited April 16, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quoted post

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, Alexsash said:

my mother is gentle soul never did anything to hurt anyone in her life I had a view of women be that similar to my mother gentle weak vulnerable and need protecting and I was always there to protect. But come out of all this with a different view and realised some women are manipulating,cunning and viscous and happy to destroy your life. 

🤨

So this is highly problematic.   On one hand you view women as less than competent and unable to care for themselves.   And on the other hand you judge a woman for doing much the same as you did - destroy someone's life due to an affair.  

Rather than chat to a friend who's a psychologist, how about you get your own one and get your head sorted out?  

 

[Alexsash]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

🤨

So this is highly problematic.   On one hand you view women as less than competent and unable to care for themselves.   And on the other hand you judge a woman for doing much the same as you did - destroy someone's life due to an affair.  

Rather than chat to a friend who's a psychologist, how about you get your own one and get your head sorted out?  

 

I don't judge. It was a view that I had as part of growing that I needed to protect and provide as I've done since I was 15 because I looked after my family financially and emotionally always thought that was my responsibility. What we talking here is exAP and manipulation don't get me it takes 2 to tango and I'm no saint in any of this. Understanding she was capable of manipulation which she has I've never really experienced that in my life 

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, Alexsash said:

What we talking here is exAP and manipulation don't get me it takes 2 to tango and I'm no saint in any of this.

That's because you were wide open to manipulation. As @basil67 says, you perceive women as requiring a protector and provider, and maybe you could chat to someone about that, because it's an old-fashioned unconscious sexist attitude that many men have, that women are helpless and must be financially and/or emotionally propped up.  If that's what you think women are, that's the kind of woman you'll attract. And I don't mean that disrespectfully or to imply that you're some raging sexist, it's just ingrained beliefs that drive well intentioned, but none-the-less sexist, attitudes.

[basil67]

Ok, perhaps judge was the wrong word.  But frankly - you grew up too soon.  And as a child, you are the one who should haver been protected and as such your view is warped.  Bringing this to the present day, stating that your mother needed protecting is one thing, but taking the view that women (in general) are incompetent is problematic.

That said, I'm confused about who you're calling manipulative etc.  Is it the ex wife or the affair partner?  

 

 

Edited April 16, 2021 by basil67

[Alexsash]

39 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

That's because you were wide open to manipulation. As @basil67 says, you perceive women as requiring a protector and provider, and maybe you could chat to someone about that, because it's an old-fashioned unconscious sexist attitude that many men have, that women are helpless and must be financially and/or emotionally propped up.  If that's what you think women are, that's the kind of woman you'll attract. And I don't mean that disrespectfully or to imply that you're some raging sexist, it's just ingrained beliefs that drive well intentioned, but none-the-less sexist, attitudes.

I was born in southern Europe before migrating. It's just something thats ingrained in boys/men. You are the provider that's it you need make sure the family has roof over their heads and food on the table. This is the culture I was brought up in my male family members treat their wives like servants they treat them like s*** cheat on them have kids with other women while still being married.  Divorce/separation is not an option. 

You're correct I was starved of affected ,connection, understanding you name it. Then she came along and gave me everything I wanted and therefore open to manipulation. I have removed her from social media blocked her ect .. I really want to move on. I hope she's gets exposed one day her husband doesn't deserve this neither did my ex wife. All I can do is keep going I know I will never cheat again hope the universe forgives me and karma appreciates the suffering I've gone through and gives me break..... 

[Alexsash]

48 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ok, perhaps judge was the wrong word.  But frankly - you grew up too soon.  And as a child, you are the one who should haver been protected and as such your view is warped.  Bringing this to the present day, stating that your mother needed protecting is one thing, but taking the view that women (in general) are incompetent is problematic.

That said, I'm confused about who you're calling manipulative etc.  Is it the ex wife or the affair partner?  

 

 

ExAP as being manipulative but again I took advantage of a lot of her as well .. we would.meet at the gym in the mornings I would see her husband drop her off and after we finished training we would have sex in changing rooms before work. She would get jealous if I had sex with my then wife and I asked her not to have sex with her husband. It's really a strange situation we were cheating but didn't want us to cheat on eachother. 

[glows]

I get it. Both of you were loyal to each other even though you had other relationships. Are you divorced or separated? Move forwards. There's life after all this. There are women who will want to date you (that don't need saving and are also fully available). Maybe it's worth pursuing this in therapy if you're reaching out to fixers or people who need fixing or are interpreted to need help in some way from you. You'll continue to be used that way. Ironically you are trying to help them but it becomes a twisted mess when they take advantage of you.

[Alexsash]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I get it. Both of you were loyal to each other even though you had other relationships. Are you divorced or separated? Move forwards. There's life after all this. There are women who will want to date you (that don't need saving and are also fully available). Maybe it's worth pursuing this in therapy if you're reaching out to fixers or people who need fixing or are interpreted to need help in some way from you. You'll continue to be used that way. Ironically you are trying to help them but it becomes a twisted mess when they take advantage of you.

I will thank you for the advice.  I'm exhausted hopefully I'll find who will accept me for who I am and love me they I want to be loved I have a lot love to give hopefully next time it will be with the right person 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/15/2021 at 5:54 AM, Alexsash said:

First time poster  so 👋👋

 In the end I left my wife I lost everything my home money and more. I've been single for a year now 

Excellent you have a good co-parenting relationship with your (ex?) wife.

You seem to have good insight.

Your post is a great cautionary tale for readers who think thier affairs are going to end in happily ever after.

Of course it's never a happy ending for anyone involved and sadly causes huge irreparable collateral damage.