Sleea Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 So I’ve been dating a guy for 6 months. I say “dating” because he didn’t want to “commit” too early. In every other aspect though we were a couple. Neither of us dated anyone else, we spent every weekend together and a night during the week. We had contact all day everyday. The only issue was the commitment. Last weekend I made a stupid mistake and went to an ex’s house for a party. He found out and went mad, and ended it straight away. He said he wants to be single and what we are doing is unhealthy. Until that point he’d led me to believe we were on the right path, and that we would eventually end up in an official relationship. I’m absolutely gutted. We got so close and I feel like I’ve lost someone I now realise I really loved. Am I wasting my time thinking he might come back? Or should I reach out? I haven’t heard anything for a week now and it’s killing me..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 I don't see simply going to an ex's house for a party (presumably with lots of other people there) as a "stupid mistake". Did you hook up with your ex or someone else there? If not, again, I don't get just going to a party as a huge problem. Certainly not something to immediately end a relationship over. I also don't get why he would say "what we are doing is unhealthy". What is unhealthy about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleea Posted April 16, 2021 Author Share Posted April 16, 2021 I think the fact that I had not told him where I was going and that he didn’t know I even had contact with this guy.....I hadn’t spoken to him for years and he randomly messaged me. I don’t know why I did it I wouldn’t like it if he did. the unhealthy aspect I think he means because he doesn’t want to commit but at the same time doesn’t want me to date other people...... Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 If he's not ready/willing to make a commitment, he shouldn't expect for you to notify him of where you're going and who you will be with (as long as you're not having sex, making out, etc. since you had agreed to be exclusive). He doesn't have to like it, but immediately breaking up over it seems extreme. I agree with him about the unhealthy part as it relates to what's best for you - it's unhealthy for you to invest more time with someone who won't commit but is this reactive at the thought of you having contact with an ex. I hope you don't reach out to him. If he contacts you and wants to try again AND make some kind of commitment to you, then maybe give him a chance. But otherwise, you really are better off moving on and finding someone who is emotionally stable and knows what they want. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleea Posted April 16, 2021 Author Share Posted April 16, 2021 Thank you......I am going to try and stay strong and not reach out to him. It’s just so difficult because I genuinely felt like things were really good between us. We had such a good connection and he said things and did things which I don’t believe he could have done if he didn’t have feelings for. I just don’t understand how someone can end something so abruptly 😞 Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 Anything going on with the ex? How much time did you spend with him at the party? How did the new guy find out and what was he told and by whom? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 The fact that he was able to end things so abruptly shows that he wanted to end it anyway, he wasn't that into you, and this was the perfect excuse to end it that he was looking for. From everything else you said, about how he didn't want to commit, that he was hesitant to let it be an "official relationship" shows that he wasn't that into you from the start. 6 months is more than enough time to make it an "official relationship". YES you are wasting your time if you think he'll come back. Focus on moving forward and getting over this. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 1 hour ago, Sleea said: I say “dating” because he didn’t want to “commit” too early. This is a scam run by a person who knows he won't be around long-term. 1 hour ago, Sleea said: In every other aspect though we were a couple. You either are or aren't. No in-betweens. 1 hour ago, Sleea said: He found out How did he find out? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 2 hours ago, Sleea said: So I’ve been dating a guy for 6 months. I say “dating” because he didn’t want to “commit” too early. In every other aspect though we were a couple. Neither of us dated anyone else, we spent every weekend together and a night during the week. We had contact all day everyday. The only issue was the commitment. Last weekend I made a stupid mistake and went to an ex’s house for a party. He found out and went mad, and ended it straight away. He said he wants to be single and what we are doing is unhealthy. Until that point he’d led me to believe we were on the right path, and that we would eventually end up in an official relationship. I’m absolutely gutted. We got so close and I feel like I’ve lost someone I now realise I really loved. Am I wasting my time thinking he might come back? Or should I reach out? I haven’t heard anything for a week now and it’s killing me..... I wouldn't wait. Let this guy go. There are too many issues and it doesn't sound like he values or appreciates you in the way you want to be valued. If you're interested in a relationship, there should be some sort of understanding between the both of you that it's a relationship. Even if there is an aversion to labels or either of you is more free-spirited, that understanding should still be solid. He wouldn't have reacted so rashly or without hearing you out. Frankly, it sounds more like he has a guilty conscience knowing that he can't give you what you want and you were in contact with someone in your past who did. Don't make his issues your issues. Just walk away. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleea Posted April 16, 2021 Author Share Posted April 16, 2021 1 hour ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: This is a scam run by a person who knows he won't be around long-term. You either are or aren't. No in-betweens. How did he find out? Long story but someone grabbed me and tried forcing themselves on me at the bbq and obviously when I spoke to him afterwards I was very upset and ended up telling him. Not that it was a secret but it just didn’t sound good I suppose Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sleea Posted April 16, 2021 Author Share Posted April 16, 2021 1 hour ago, trident_2020 said: Anything going on with the ex? How much time did you spend with him at the party? How did the new guy find out and what was he told and by whom? Nothing going on. But he wanted to know how we got back in contact and I had to admit he’d contacted me and wanted to meet up. I did it with no intentions of anything happening but probably should have stayed clear because I knew what he was after. I did it because of my own insecurities due to the lack of commitment Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 24 minutes ago, Sleea said: Long story but someone grabbed me and tried forcing themselves on me at the bbq and obviously when I spoke to him afterwards I was very upset and ended up telling him. Not that it was a secret but it just didn’t sound good I suppose This is awful. Please avoid these people. Total lack of respect and care for you. It would be wise to lose the contacts with your ex or any of his friends or associations. This is for your own physical and mental health. Don't be afraid to ditch both of them. Totally unacceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 Honestly, I seriously doubt he'll come back. Going to the ex's was probably 'the final straw' in a relationship he had doubts about. Even if he wants to get back together you should probably move on - the guy just wasn't committed or 'fully in'. I'm sorry. Most guys would consider it a 'flagrant foul' to go to an ex's by the way - but I do agree he may have been looking for an excuse and was already halfway out the door. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 4 hours ago, Sleea said: The only issue was the commitment. Last weekend I made a stupid mistake and went to an ex’s house for a party. He found out and went mad, and ended it straight away. He said he wants to be single and what we are doing is unhealthy. Sorry thus happened. Sounds like way too many issues for 6 mos. How did he "find out" you went to this party? You may have dodged a bullet considering he was not committed and dropped you like a hot rock. Curious why you went to your exbf's place? How long ago did you two break up? Do you want him back or the recent guy? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 5 hours ago, Sleea said: The only issue was the commitment. But this is the defining issue. I think he was not intending to ever commit to you, and saw this as his perfect window of opportunity to end it and not feel like the bad guy. This end was coming, one way or another. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 If he's not interested in committing, he's not coming back. He was looking for an excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 8 hours ago, Sleea said: We had contact all day everyday. The only issue was the commitment. Last weekend I made a stupid mistake and went to an ex’s house for a party. He found out and went mad, and ended it straight away. He said he wants to be single and what we are doing is unhealthy. Until that point he’d led me to believe we were on the right path, and that we would eventually end up in an official relationship. 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: You may have dodged a bullet considering he was not committed and dropped you like a hot rock. ^^ my thoughts exactly, and I think I'd skip the may. Better this ended sooner rather than later. Forming a normal relationship is not "unhealthy" except to people who don't actually want to be in one (although it does sound like perhaps it was moving a bit too fast). 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted April 17, 2021 Share Posted April 17, 2021 9 hours ago, Sleea said: Last weekend I made a stupid mistake and went to an ex’s house for a party. You admit it was a stupid mistake. It looks like you crossed his boundaries. IMO he did the right thing. Dating is to find out if he/she is a match as in personalities, morals, values etc. You were not. If he lowers his boundaries this time and allows you to party with the ex, what will he have to lower them for for the next time you contact an ex? Maybe he has high boundaries and no woman will be able to meet them? That will be his loss but it will also be his loss if he has none and gets abused by poor behavior from a SO. You were not in a committed R, you had every right to go to the party and he had every right to dump you for it. Sometimes life is not fair. 6 hours ago, Sleea said: Long story but someone grabbed me and tried forcing themselves on me at the bbq and obviously when I spoke to him afterwards I was very upset and ended up telling him. Not that it was a secret but it just didn’t sound good I suppose Ya think? No matter what I say about this quote I will get a friendly reminder... It speaks heaps for it's self!!! 6 hours ago, Sleea said: I did it with no intentions of anything happening but probably should have stayed clear because I knew what he was after. I did it because of my own insecurities due to the lack of commitment So, because you didn't have commitment with BF you had insecurities and went out parting with an ex that has shown clear intensions and got grabbed and "Forcing themselves" by someone else there.... Yep, with reasoning like that I think the BF missed the bullet... This is the reason people date!!!! PS: It always hurts more being dumped... That's just the way it works. This is IMO, it is not meant to be an attack on anyone or any gender, all comments backed up by quotes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted April 17, 2021 Share Posted April 17, 2021 8 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: 9 hours ago, Sleea said: I say “dating” because he didn’t want to “commit” too early. This is a scam run by a person who knows he won't be around long-term. 9 hours ago, Sleea said: In every other aspect though we were a couple. You either are or aren't. No in-betweens. So when do you commit to someone? Date #1 as "you either are or aren't. No in-betweens"? Women are the gate keepers of sex, men are the gate keepers of commitment. Get use to it, we have had to. It's well in his rights to not make it a committed R, the very same it is well within her rights to not have sex with him. Way back in the "Dark Ages" it was encouraged to not give up one until you got the other. Times have changed and you can do as you wish, but that does not mean you are going to get what you wish... Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted April 17, 2021 Share Posted April 17, 2021 11 hours ago, Caauug said: you had insecurities and went out parting with an ex that has shown clear intensions and got grabbed and "Forcing themselves" by someone else there.... Yep, with reasoning like that I think the BF missed the bullet... ^^This. Exactly what I was thinking. If I was this guy I'd be like.. um this girl has got some serious drama or else she just goes to crazy BBQ's but I'm out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ctwatlanta Posted April 19, 2021 Share Posted April 19, 2021 On 4/16/2021 at 11:06 AM, Sleea said: "So I’ve been dating a guy for 6 months. I say “dating” because he didn’t want to “commit” too early." That's the first big red flag I noticed. After 6 months you're either in a relationship or not. You saw each other constantly, but he didn't want to "commit" too early? That makes no sense to me at all. As a guy I'm trying to read the tea leaves here and it sounds to me that he wanted his cake and eat it too. Of course he loved you coming over and spending all that time with you, but the moment you did something he deemed unforgivable he just immediately ends it?!?! I hate to say it, but I think he was just waiting for an excuse to end it. Unfortunately, a ton of pathetic immature people do that type of garbage. They string the other person along never "committing" but giving just enough attention to keep that person in line...and then they wait for an excuse to end it. After all, you weren't "committed", right? That's what he'll say to justify it. That said, I think you should have told him exactly what you were doing and that your ex was going to be there. Men have fragile ego's and if you had told him upfront he would have felt 100X better because he would have known that you cared enough to let him know...or better yet you should have asked him if he would have an issue with you going. In the end, I don't think you did anything malicious or wrong. It might have not been a good idea to go to a house party where an ex was without telling this guy you're with, but if you were in a strong relationship he'd not have done what he did so abruptly. Trust me, I know this will be hard (as I'm going thru this too) but delete his number and all his social media contact info, his texts, pictures, etc. Then promise yourself that you'll not contact him for 24 hours. Then at the end of 24 hours promise yourself that you'll not contact him for 48 hours....and then 72 hours. Stay busy but do not contact him! Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted April 21, 2021 Share Posted April 21, 2021 On 4/17/2021 at 1:45 PM, trident_2020 said: ^^This. Exactly what I was thinking. If I was this guy I'd be like.. um this girl has got some serious drama or else she just goes to crazy BBQ's but I'm out. This seems like a strange interpretation to me. The girl has done nothing wrong in going to a BBQ. She was not in a committed relationship with her boyfriend, therefore he cannot complain about where she goes. The fact that she was assaulted by some guy while she was there is, again, not her fault. Drunk guys do sometimes do this kind of thing. It doesn't make it right and it certainly doesn't mean she is responsible. I'm completely baffled that you think she is to blame for a random guy assaulting her. Link to post Share on other sites
Alfano Posted April 21, 2021 Share Posted April 21, 2021 2 hours ago, spiderowl said: The fact that she was assaulted by some guy while she was there is, again, not her fault. Drunk guys do sometimes do this kind of thing. It doesn't make it right and it certainly doesn't mean she is responsible. I'm completely baffled that you think she is to blame for a random guy assaulting her. You don't know the details. Not excusing assault but sometimes women put themselves in situations where it's much more likely to happen. It's like saying a guy walks through a known bad, crime ridden neighborhood in the middle of the night wearing flashy gold jewelery and holding a wad of cash in his hand and he gets mugged and people say it's not his fault I'm baffled why someone would blame him for a random guy assaulting him. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted April 21, 2021 Share Posted April 21, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Alfano said: You don't know the details. Not excusing assault but sometimes women put themselves in situations where it's much more likely to happen. It's like saying a guy walks through a known bad, crime ridden neighborhood in the middle of the night wearing flashy gold jewelery and holding a wad of cash in his hand and he gets mugged and people say it's not his fault I'm baffled why someone would blame him for a random guy assaulting him. I am not sure why you are assuming that going to a BBQ was an unwise move for the OP? She was assaulted. A random guy forced himself on her. We don't know the details, but if she is telling the truth then she has done nothing wrong. All she appears to have done is to go out somewhere without her non-committal boyfriend. It is the random guy who should be explaining his behaviour. Edited April 21, 2021 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
Alfano Posted April 21, 2021 Share Posted April 21, 2021 10 minutes ago, spiderowl said: I am not sure why you are assuming that going to a BBQ was an unwise move for the OP? She was assaulted. A random guy forced himself on her. We don't know the details, but if she is telling the truth then she has done nothing wrong. Exactly right the details are unknown. She could have voluntarily gotten drunk, or high on some drug, sent out some sort of sexual message to the guy, took a walk behind the house where they were alone and he took advantage of her vulnerable state that she placed herself in. You never know. Link to post Share on other sites
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