Just found out he's married. Update: I relapsed

[EleanorRigby2000]

I stumbled upon this forum when I was looking for advice or encouragement for strength.  Honestly, I don't know what I want to hear (read) or need to hear (read).  I'll refer to this guy as Bob.  
 

Bob and I met ten years ago at work. He still works at that company.  I left a few years ago.   He had an on-again, off-again GF.  He and I became really close friends and would share a lot with each other.  Bob would tell me when he and GF were on a break, usually breaks occurred because they verbally fought a lot.  He would say she becomes volatile and would ask him to leave her house if he did something she didn't like.  Basically, from his comments, she sounded verbally and emotionally abusive.  I would always be there when he was hurting.  I would listen, console, etc.  About 4-5 years into my friendship with Bob, he and I discovered feelings had developed between us.  I don't know if he ever loved me, but I fell in love with him.  While he never said he loved me, he always told me how much he cared about me. He and I started spending a lot of time together.  Then one day, he told me he and GF were getting back together.  I asked if he could see himself marrying her.  He said he didn't think so, but she was really after him about getting married.  Since he was back with her, I had no contact with him for almost a year.  In 2018, he reached out randomly and wanted to see how I was.  I inquired about GF, and he told me he moved in with her.  At that point, I asked him to leave me alone for good.  

 

Last fall, he reached out again.  He said he still thinks of me and misses me.  He never mentioned the GF.  I didn't ask because I made it clear that as long as he was with her, I didn't want him contacting me. When he reached out, it was like he truly wanted to try the friendship thing again.  I decided to try to be friends at a distance.  We would touch base once or twice a month via phone/text.  Earlier this year, we started communicating more.  Our communication was strong, we would talk about our families, finances, and just about anything and everything personal (or so it seemed).  Next thing I knew, all the feelings I worked hard to overcome came flooding back.  It the led to us sexting and talking about old times when we would see each other.  One day, during a conversation he made a comment about something "spouse" did.  I thought that was an autocorrect and he actually meant the name of one of his employees.  Plus, I've never heard anyone refer to their husband or wife as "spouse."  This past week, we were texting for hours each day.  Then, he made a comment about somewhere "they" went.  I came out and asked him if he was married (thinking about him using spouse and now saying they).  He said he is.  He married the GF whom he used to always complain to me about.  He suddenly started apologizing telling me he thought I knew, and he's sorry he never told me.  

Since he told me he is married, he has continued to tell me how much he respects me and is so thankful for my friendship.  He even said he is more comfortable talking to me and has shared more with me than he has with any other woman.   He comes across as someone who is afraid of losing my friendship because of the connection we have.  Yesterday, he text and told me "spouse went to dinner so he finally had a night alone."  He said he rarely gets evenings alone, so he was going to do things he wants and just chill. I don't know why he told me that, but I replied telling him to have a nice evening that I was busy.  

I have been so emotionally confused since learning of his marriage.  I love him and care about him.  I also have to care about my own well-being too, and I am hurt.  My heart wants to try to maintain a friendship because we are so close and communicate so well.  My head is telling me a friendship won't work because, while we were able to talk about so many things, he never shared that he married her.  My heart is saying he doesn't love her, so I should be patient.  My head is saying that is crap and if he cannot be honest with his "spouse" or even himself about his own feelings, then why would I want to be with him if he and "spouse" didn't work out.  
 

I hate this.  I hate that he married her.  I hate that he opened up so freely to me about personal stuff (except marriage). Yet, my heart yearns for him and loves him.  

Edited October 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged with new thread

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I think you need to sever ties as you are on a slippery slope to a full blown affair. Perhaps it’s already an emotional affair - sounds like it. I presume his wife is unaware of the communication between you two. Also you clearly still have feelings and staying in touch like this will only disrupt your dating life or a relationship you have currently.
 

Sorry for your struggle but you will be happier once you are free from this emotional turmoil.

[EleanorRigby2000]

it is emotional for me. I don't know what he considers it.  You're right that I need to sever ties.  
 

I assume his wife doesn't know.  He told me she got volatile once because he didn't stop at the bakery when she hinted she wanted something sweet.  I cannot imagine how she would react if she knew about us.  Although, there is always the chance that she knows and as long as he's married to her and does what she wants, she may not care (unlikely but I guess anything is possible). I did make a comment about people knowing we talk (after he said he was married), and he said he doesn't care who knows that we talk.  I have a feeling he told his coworkers (who are my former coworkers) because I received a text last night from one of them asking how I was doing.  I had not heard from that person in a year.   

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

This past week, we were texting for hours each day.   he told me he is married, he has continued to tell me how much he respects me and is so thankful for my friendship. 

Sorry this is happening. Were you ever dating or just friends?  Were you ever at his home? Why you two sexting but not dating?

Have you had a relationship/BF in all this time?

Unfortunately he isn't a good friend. It would be best to put this behind you and move forward. You need to delete and block him from All your social media and messaging apps..

Get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single local men.

It would be a good idea to explore why you wasted 10 years on this with your therapist.

Edited April 17, 2021 by Wiseman2

[EleanorRigby2000]

@Wiseman2 I have not had a relationship since he and I stopped talking the first time.  I decided I needed to take time for me.  When I felt I was ready to date again, covid hit and everything locked down.  I didn't even try to date.  A couple of months ago, I joined two dating sites.  I connected with some great guys, but three different men ghosted me and one man told me I'm not hot enough. I have been thinking back, and I let my guard down with Bob right after the online dating guy told me I'm not hot enough.  The more I was ghosted or rejected on the dating sites, the longer I would talk to Bob.  I realize I was wanting to feel wanted and needed, and Bob did that.  Although, he doesn't know I have been on dating sites.  
 

We briefly secretly dated in 2015 when we worked together when he had broken up with his GF (now spouse). From meeting him in 2011 until 2015, I dated a few different men.  He would always ask if they were treating me right, how the relationship was going, and things like that.  

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

My heart wants to try to maintain a friendship because we are so close and communicate so well.

Do friends lie to each other?

He’s not a friend. If he was, he wouldn’t have disrespected you by lying to you about his marital status. 

The fact of the matter, he comes around when it’s convenient for him because he wants something from you. But, what are you getting in return? Heartache? It seems to me that this “friendship” is very one sided. And, the truth is... and I’m sorry to be blunt, if he wanted to be with you, he could have made that happen. He was not married when you met, he was actually single for a time, and he STILL chose another woman. It doesn’t matter if you are a “better” women - doesn’t matter how she treats him - the only thing that matters is that he chose her and he put a ring on her finger. 

And as such, you can’t be friends. You can’t be friends with a man when you clearly want more. That’s just painful, are you prepared to listen to him complain about his “spouse” - the woman he chose when he could have chosen you? I wouldn’t. 

I also wouldn’t stay friends with a man who didn’t respect me enough to be honest and respect my boundaries. You ended it because it was the healthy thing to do for yourself. He could have respected that, but he didn’t. Instead, he did what was best for HIM and now he has got you tied up in knots again... If he was truly a friend, he would not have done this to you. It’s very unfair. It’s selfish. It’s unkind. 

Edited April 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

5 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

My head is saying that is crap and if he cannot be honest with his "spouse" or even himself about his own feelings, then why would I want to be with him if he and "spouse" didn't work out.  

Listen to your head.

If he's not being honest with his spouse, why do you think he's being honest with you?

This is just a guy who enjoys the extra attention and he's using you for that. He alludes to his wife as coming up short so you'll feel sorry for him. It's called a pity play.

Stick to the facts: when you first were talking, they were just dating, then they moved in together, then he married her. Do you really think this conveys disinterest in her on his part? Did someone hold a gun to his head every second of every day forcing him to advance his life with her as his partner? Not likely.

He chose her. He chose to get closer to her, to live with her, to marry her, to make a lifetime commitment to her. He could've chose you to do these things with, but he chose her. Let that sink in. He is not her victim. 

He has spun a story for you to garner your affection and sympathy, the same way he spins the story for her as being a loving and devoted husband (while keeping you hovering on the back burner).

Just get away from this guy. He's a total creep.

[spiderowl]

He likes the attention of being in a 'secret' relationship with you.  He is married and is going behind his wife's back already.  What does that say about the guy?  

He hooks you in when he's bored or his girlfriend/wife is out or has lost interest in him.  You are a way of passing time for him.  He could have dropped his girlfriend and pursued you instead but he didn't, he married her.

While you didn't ask him outright if he was married, until you got a few hints (the spouse comment), he deliberately omitted to mention that fact too.  You could have asked him before but didn't.  Perhaps you didn't really want to know.

The guy is using you.  Despite all his gushing about you being his friend and how much he misses you, he's just trying to retain you in an emotional/fun/sexting affair with him.  He is the kind of guy who probably boasts to his friends that he's having fun on the side.  He knows how to make you feel wanted and needed.  He is not your friend.

You need to detach from him properly for your own sake, if you are going to be drawn into his games.  All the time you are texting him and thinking about him, you are not open to meeting others.  Emotionally, you will stay stuck on him until you get yourself out of this sinkhole.  You deserve so much better than a guy playing with your feelings.  You deserve someone who is really there for you and does not quietly marry someone else while keeping you hanging on.

[EleanorRigby2000]

30 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Listen to your head.

If he's not being honest with his spouse, why do you think he's being honest with you?

This is just a guy who enjoys the extra attention and he's using you for that. He alludes to his wife as coming up short so you'll feel sorry for him. It's called a pity play.

Stick to the facts: when you first were talking, they were just dating, then they moved in together, then he married her. Do you really think this conveys disinterest in her on his part? Did someone hold a gun to his head every second of every day forcing him to advance his life with her as his partner? Not likely.

He chose her. He chose to get closer to her, to live with her, to marry her, to make a lifetime commitment to her. He could've chose you to do these things with, but he chose her. Let that sink in. He is not her victim. 

He has spun a story for you to garner your affection and sympathy, the same way he spins the story for her as being a loving and devoted husband (while keeping you hovering on the back burner).

Just get away from this guy. He's a total creep.

One thing I didn't mention earlier.  He was married when he met GF/Spouse.  He met her at work too.  However, she quit before I went to work there, so I have no clue who she is.  It's a messy story full of drama.  From what I see and now think, he absolutely hates to be alone.  His wife refused to take him back.  He didn't want a divorce.  GF/spouse told him she would leave him if he didn't file for divorce. His divorce took years before it was finalized. 
 

As I've been thinking about this all weekend, and these responses have helped, perhaps he has kept me as a back-up because he's not sure how this marriage will work out, and he needs to be needed/wanted and cannot be alone.  I see your point and agree, he's not her victim.  He's a victim of his selfish desires and codependency.  

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

He was married when he met GF/Spouse.  He met her at work too.

It’s not just that he hates to be alone. 

One woman isn’t enough. He may be in one relationship, but there is a pattern here of a man who needs more... 

Continuing the pattern, if he ever leaves his girlfriend to be with you... if you move up the ladder, than means there will be a vacancy. 

Best to leave this man be. 

[Wiseman2]

He's not a quality person with integrity. He lies and cheats and women are just a game to guys like this.

Over the years he's done a lot of subtle damage to you, if you think he's your friend.

Delete and block him. That's the only way to feel better and move forward.

[Luna66star]

This man is being disloyal to wife, wanting his cake and eating it too.  He should not be maintaining a close, secret relationship with you.  It's downright sleazy and shows you he is a weak man.

You are there on the side to make him feel better when things get rough at home.  He married her and that is a lifetime commitment.  You will be pining over this guy and not getting what you want from him.  Instead he will give you crumbs.  

Is this the way you want to spend your days?  Waiting by the phone, in anticipation of maybe he has 10 minutes of his day to chat?

Please move on immediately from this situation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[mark clemson]

20 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

  I decided to try to be friends at a distance.  We would touch base once or twice a month via phone/text.  Earlier this year, we started communicating more.  Our communication was strong, we would talk about our families, finances, and just about anything and everything personal (or so it seemed).

I find it odd (almost hard to believe) that you talked about your families and his wife did not come up. I also find it odd that you guys were texting for hours each day and his wife never noticed this. I guess she's out doing her own thing quite a lot or he has gobs of free time at work?

Anyhow, if that really happened, then yes, he's been deceiving you deliberately. For your part, you seemed to be in "dont ask, don't tell" mode if this really never came up at all and you just rode with the assumption he was single.

So, giving all this the benefit of a doubt, I'd say that yes, you let yourself develop feelings for him and yes, those above are right that what's best for you is to bite the bullet.

For all the bashing of this guy above, apparently there must be something to him as he was married, his OW married him despite knowing he was a cheater and now you're in love with him as well, despite knowing he was a cheater from the first time around. So clearly he has some sort of "romantic talent" or other attractive qualities. Perhaps it's all just being good at manipulating people, dunno.

[Stupidkupid]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I find it odd (almost hard to believe) that you talked about your families and his wife did not come up. I also find it odd that you guys were texting for hours each day and his wife never noticed this. I guess she's out doing her own thing quite a lot or he has gobs of free time at work?

 

When i was having an affair MM ans i texted constantly. Literally hundreds of thousands of messages over the course of the affair. She definitely noticed. He just lied to her face. And BS or OW/OM we tend to believe what we need to even if rationally its not right.

Thats probably the case here.

But who knows.

[EleanorRigby2000]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I find it odd (almost hard to believe) that you talked about your families and his wife did not come up. I also find it odd that you guys were texting for hours each day and his wife never noticed this. I guess she's out doing her own thing quite a lot or he has gobs of free time at work?

Anyhow, if that really happened, then yes, he's been deceiving you deliberately. For your part, you seemed to be in "dont ask, don't tell" mode if this really never came up at all and you just rode with the assumption he was single.

So, giving all this the benefit of a doubt, I'd say that yes, you let yourself develop feelings for him and yes, those above are right that what's best for you is to bite the bullet.

For all the bashing of this guy above, apparently there must be something to him as he was married, his OW married him despite knowing he was a cheater and now you're in love with him as well, despite knowing he was a cheater from the first time around. So clearly he has some sort of "romantic talent" or other attractive qualities. Perhaps it's all just being good at manipulating people, dunno.

 

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I find it odd (almost hard to believe) that you talked about your families and his wife did not come up. I also find it odd that you guys were texting for hours each day and his wife never noticed this. I guess she's out doing her own thing quite a lot or he has gobs of free time at work?

I don't even know when he got married.  He never answered that question.  I didn't ask again because, to me, it doesn't matter when now that I know he is.  
 

We really talked about families, and he never mentioned her.  He mentioned how he couldn't go to his daughter's for Christmas because she had Covid.  Not once has he said "we" couldn't do something or "we" spent the holidays where ever.  It was always "I" or "me" when he would talk about places he would go and things he would do.  I know all about his dad and kids and the latest with them.  No, when we reconnected and when we talked about families, I didn't ask if the GF was still in the picture.  I assumed he would tell me because right before I went no contact, I told him I didn't want to hear from him as long as he was in a relationship with her.  

I have thought about sending him a long email telling me how I have struggled ever since I found out he was married and explain how I now feel because of his actions.  I haven't sent and email because every time I get ready to write it, I wonder if he would really care or if it would just give him another angle to play me.  Last time, I sent a text and he kept telling me he's sorry he hurt me and he never wants to hurt me because he values my friendship so much.  When he would message last fall and some of this year, he would tell me how he's thankful I am still his friend because he doesn't have many and doesn't make friends easily.  He said he doesn't have any guy friends and outside of work, I'm his only friend.  
 

I don't think his wife knows he texts me because he does it during the work day.  His position has always allowed him a lot of free time.  My position has been slow lately, so I've been able to reply.  
 

It is so much easier to understand and see what's happening when others bluntly put it in writing.  It forces me to step back and really think about him and his actions instead of allowing my heart to guide me. 
 

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

We really talked about families, and he never mentioned her.  He mentioned how he couldn't go to his daughter's for Christmas because she had Covid.  Not once has he said "we" couldn't do something or "we" spent the holidays where ever.  It was always "I" or "me" when he would talk about places he would go and things he would do.

I don't think his wife knows he texts me because he does it during the work day.  His position has always allowed him a lot of free time.

Fair enough.

Clearly, not mentioning his wife until very late in the game was a deliberate and significant omission.

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Fair enough.

Clearly, not mentioning his wife until very late in the game was a deliberate and significant omission.

And he continues to minimize, and dehumanize, by calling her “spouse.” 

I don’t know about you OP, but I find that disturbing. Who does that?

[EleanorRigby2000]

9 hours ago, BaileyB said:

And he continues to minimize, and dehumanize, by calling her “spouse.” 

I don’t know about you OP, but I find that disturbing. Who does that?

I found that odd that he referred to her as "spouse."  I don't know if he's afraid to use her name thinking I could find her, which I have zero intention of doing.  I have heard men refer to their wives as "wife" in situations like "I need to check with the wife before I buy the new truck" or "the wife and I are going away for the weekend." I have never heard a man refer to their wife as "spouse."  To me, it sounds so emotionless.  
 

I guess things are all great with "spouse" today because I didn't get a text or email.  I have t initiated any communication since we started talking again, and I won't.  After reading the responses and comments here, if/when he does contact me again I plan to ignore him. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 4/17/2021 at 10:02 PM, EleanorRigby2000 said:

One thing I didn't mention earlier.  He was married when he met GF/Spouse.  He met her at work too.  However, she quit before I went to work there, so I have no clue who she is.  It's a messy story full of drama.  From what I see and now think, he absolutely hates to be alone.  His wife refused to take him back.  He didn't want a divorce.  GF/spouse told him she would leave him if he didn't file for divorce. His divorce took years before it was finalized. 
 

As I've been thinking about this all weekend, and these responses have helped, perhaps he has kept me as a back-up because he's not sure how this marriage will work out, and he needs to be needed/wanted and cannot be alone.  I see your point and agree, he's not her victim.  He's a victim of his selfish desires and codependency.  

 

Everything you posted here just adds to the evidence that the guy is a creep. He's not a victim of anything. He's not helpless. You need to see that. He knows what he's doing. 

He CHOOSES selfishness. He knows he's selfish. He just doesn't care. It's not codependency either. If it were, he'd be more selfLESS. I dare say that you are projecting your own codependency onto him as if it were his quality rather than yours.

Being self-sacrificing to the point of putting another above your own well-being is codependent. Ponder who fits that role in your case.

[EleanorRigby2000]

1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I dare say that you are projecting your own codependency onto him as if it were his quality rather than yours.

Being self-sacrificing to the point of putting another above your own well-being is codependent. Ponder who fits that role in your case.

From your definition of codependency, neither of us fit that role.  Not sure if you have read all of my posts in this thread.  If not, here's a quick recap:  I fell in love with him in the past, he went back to his GF and moved in with her, I asked him to never contact me again especially if he is not single, he contacted me last fall, never mentioned a SO, always spoke as if he were solo, we started increasing our communication, and late last week I learned he was married.  
 

The whole basis of this post is because I found out he is married, and I have already fallen back in love with him.  I was feeling so many different emotions, I came and posted here.  

[HadMeOverABarrel]

21 minutes ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

From your definition of codependency, neither of us fit that role.  Not sure if you have read all of my posts in this thread.  If not, here's a quick recap:  I fell in love with him in the past, he went back to his GF and moved in with her, I asked him to never contact me again especially if he is not single, he contacted me last fall, never mentioned a SO, always spoke as if he were solo, we started increasing our communication, and late last week I learned he was married.  
 

The whole basis of this post is because I found out he is married, and I have already fallen back in love with him.  I was feeling so many different emotions, I came and posted here.  

I did read your whole thread before responding. I have also lived your story.

Hindsight is 20/20 as they say, and that is the vantage point from which I am viewing your situation and offering you my thoughts. 

It will be difficult for you to see what I do right now because you are in the thick of emotions with it all. I get it. Free yourself. Some day I believe you will agree this man is a creep. For your sake, I hope that day comes sooner than later.

[RebeccaR]

11 hours ago, EleanorRigby2000 said:

After reading the responses and comments here, if/when he does contact me again I plan to ignore him. 

He will definitely contact you again. Ignoring him isn’t a plan. Ignore him for how long? If you truly want nothing to do with him again, block him. The only reason for not going NC is if you are holding out false hope.

 Look, this guy is a serial cheater and deliberately deceived you about his marriage because he knew you would reject him because of it. Unlike some other cases where ghosting feels inappropriate, you have a real reason to ghost him and go NC. But if you plan to read his messages and simply not reply, I respectfully suggest that you won’t be able to resist getting back into contact.

[Minnie Moo]

@EleanorRigby2000

Everyone’s advice above is spot on. 
Delete and block this guy. Don’t give him the benefit of an explanation or telling him how you feel/how he makes you feel. He doesn’t deserve it.  Lying by omission about being married speaks volumes about his intent and his integrity. He is happy to mislead you if you don’t actually ask the questions he won’t volunteer information which can help you make an informed choice.  
My ex MM didn’t tell me he was married when we first met - just said he had a kid. 
Nearly a year down the line I had a strange inclination that his wife was pregnant. I asked. He managed to convince me I was crazy for asking. Several months after that I only found out through her FB profile update.  His response ‘I just didn’t tell you’ 

some of the lines your ‘friend’ is telling you about not having many friends, not having people to talk to, you’re the person he talks to the most and shares the most with etc etc are very similar to what I was told whenever I tried to pull away. 
He also referred to his wife as ‘She’ and never by her name. It annoyed him when I corrected him on it and used her name. 
 

You’ve already been hurt by this guy before. He’s already proven how selfish, unreliable and inconsiderate he is as a partner. Why would you want him in your life?  He’ll only prove the same thing over again.  
 

You’ve been strong before and walked away from him. For your own sanity, self worth and respect please do the same again. Leave no door open for him to try reel you back in. You deserve better than being someone’s back up plan/second choice/bit on the side/pseudo counsellor/secret ‘friend’  

Best wishes  

 

[vla1120]

Like Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." 

He cheated on his previous wife with his now wife and he's having an emotional affair with you right now - hoping it turns physical, I'm sure. This man is NOT a "friend." Block him and move on to someone who deserves you, who will treat you with respect. 

[EleanorRigby2000]

Thank you all so much for your replies.  I have an iPhone and it shows "blocked messages" if you have blocked someone, and they call and leave a message.  Yesterday, I noticed a Blocked Message.  It was him.  He wanted to know how I was doing and mentioned how he was just thinking about and wanting to check on me since we are friends.  I deleted the voicemail.